[groundhogdayagain]

I have been with my partner for two years he is a warm loving funny intelligent man. Most of the time. When we got together it was on the understanding that he gave up heroin pills and alcohol. He tried hard but ended up using drugs less and alcohol more. He overdosed and it has been very traumatic. Violence, loneliness, fear then it looked like I was going to die his organs were giving up and his mum paid for him to go into treatment. Whilst he was away I found that he had been messaging somebody else and was gutted by it. I agreed to work through it as he was now clean and in his right mind but the first day out of rehab he went and used heroin again. He got help straight after from those that had been helping him in the rehab and has been attending meetings. I am still petrified though. Im scared that he is going to relapse and all the chaos and danger that goes with it. Im also scared everytime he raises his voice, does something I dont understand. Of other women. Im also struggling with still being lonely. I know its early days but I feel although he is now clean nothing has changed for me, I still get no help support and little loving time. I completely understand his recovery is number one priority but I still feel like his carer and not his girlfriend. I am exhausted I have 6 children, 4 with my ex one with him and a foster daughter. He has never been near or around them whilst using but it has been exhausting keeping everything normal for everybody when I feel anything but normal. Am I just selfish? I feel it but I just dont know if too much has happened between us. Will this fear ever go?

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