[poppy20]

Hi everyone,

I posted a little while ago about my husband who is a cocaine addict. I found out in march, he got clean , he relapsed I may for a few weeks and has supposedly been clean since. He was also made redundant in June.
I understand addiction is an illness, but I have been left completely heart broken. We have two small children and it’s not the first time we have had problems. I feel like I have now reached a cross road in my life as to whether to stay or leave. I am not seeing a lot of the old behaviours, however he continues to sleep most of the day and can be up at night, he doesn’t offer much support at home and hasn’t been a brilliant daddy. We have had to use most of his redundancy money to pay off his debts leaving us with only my income. He has made loose attempts at finding a job however in two weeks time we have no real way to pay the bills. I am planning to go and live with my parents and he knows this. I feel although he may now be clean, our marriage has broken down, i cannot and will not trust him again and will spend the rest of my life worrying about if and when my life will be destroyed again.  His relationship with my family has also broken down as they have seen how broken I have been. He isn’t really accessing and groups/counselling as says he chats regularly on forums and feels he is doing ok.  He is asking for time and another chance as he wants to be a family,  but i just don’t think I can do it and I feel so so guilty. He feels he is being punished for being unwell. ????

[lyndsypam123]

hi , I saw your post there , I can’t even begin to imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you & your family, but especially you.. your clearly at breaking point and your not sure if things can ever go back to the way they were .. can you talk to your local drugs rehabilitation clinic ? Or substance misuse services at all ? I know it’s not you with the addiction but they helped my wife when I was at my lowest points .. even if it’s just a shoulder to ease some of the load off ? I wasn’t addicted to cocaine but had a serious medication addiction , over 10 years and also used cocaine and speed over the years. How is he funding  his habit now ? In no expert but if you need to chat I’m here. I’m a female and almost lost my wife to it , including my own life.. you have to make your decision to leave etc , for the sake of your children , and of course yourself. This isn’t your fault , you sound like you’ve been an amazing support and strength to your husband .. but you have to think about no 1 you & the kids no matter what. There’s only so much you can do , or put up with , we all have a breaking point. Thinking of you , lyndsy x

[poppy20]

Hi Lynsey,

Thank you for replying. It’s lovely to hear both you and your wife made it through and you’re doing well!

Unless he had a stash of money somewhere, which is I guess is possible,  I don’t think he can fund anything at the moment. He can’t get any more loans due to his credit rating and has no income. He also still owes his dealer money, which really worries me as they know where we live and I don’t want them rocking up.

When our eldest was 8 weeks old ( she’s nearly 5 now) we separated briefly as he was going out drinking, staying out until 6am, probably taking drugs and had been accused of being unfaithful. I forgave and we rebuilt,  and now this, ???? I am unsure how much one person can take.

I just want happiness, stability and security for me and my children and he isn’t providing that at the moment. I very much care for him and want him to be well. Myself and my family have tried to support him the best we can, I have sought advice but whatever I try to do to help has little impact without him also wanting to help himself.  He has no other family, we are all he has. He makes me feel like I am abandoning him, that I should want to work to keep our family together, when he in fact  is doing very little from his side. I have  more or less looked after our children single handed-lie  for the last few years.

Most of our bills are in my name, meaning if they can’t be paid it will be my future that is affected, my ability to get a mortgage moving forward etc.

Its so tough because I do care, I don’t want to abandon him,  but I want to look after myself ????

[purpleheart]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Poppy ,</p>
this was also my experience. I have two small children aged 4 and 6. My husband always dabbled in it seems when he was younger ( only realised how much once it was too late ). Dec 2020 I found out he had been gambling , using 1-3 grams a day of coke and was sinking his business and our finances fast . He promised me for 18 months he was stopping doing it , he went to a rehab assessment once but never returned and then he began disappearing for days at a time (4/5) using in hotels spending money to stay away and just hold himself up this went on for about 9 months – whilst I tried to hold my job down and floundered running the house and bringing up the children . When he did return he would sleep all day and stopped going to work ( his own business too which was frightening as he was the bread winner Also). He stopped showing interest in our children , me everything that he once loved and enjoyed he lied and swerved to do what he was doing . Fast forward to Aug 22, I had to call it a day – for the sake of my kids,  I reached a really dark place and knew I’d done all to help him . I felt too like I had abandoned him and sometimes the guilt washes over me intermittently , but I had to think of myself and our children .

We sold the family home and I left with our kids.
more then a year later – within our 4 walls me and the children are now content and happy . But my now ex husband still hasn’t hit rock bottom yet . He’s in so much money trouble , sleeps still all day , but the lies and manipulation and volatile behaviour towards me is really bad – worse than ever before . I’ve tried to steer a safe relationship for him to see the children( I know how much he worshipped them before he started this path )  but he’s recently started to not care and use when he’s due to have them, tests positive and then turns aggressive  so I have to keep them away and  breaking their hearts at the time but I have to safeguard them .
Only you can decide poppy – but bottom line –  it’s self preservation. Whatever you decide isn’t going to be easy , maybe one day he will admit he has a problem and sort it out . But for the sake of your sanity and children’s happiness please think carefully . Sending hugs and strength – cause it’s the merry go round of hell . Lots of love x

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