[lola84]

Good Afternoon

i would appreciate some help. My partner is a cocaine addict, he was an addict when i met him two years ago (recovering) and was open and honest from the beginning, i went to some groups with him but after a while he really hated going and was doing well and we stopped. We talk openly and i am totally in love with him and cannot imagine life without him. He had a brief relapse last summer when i went on holiday for a week and ended up not going to work and doing cocaine all day everyday, so we went back to square one and ever since i thought he had been doing so well. The past few months things have not made sense, working a little later, being sleepy or really hypo , no money etc and i found some lottery tickets and half a credit card in his jeans pocket yesterday and confronted him, he denied at first, then admitted he had done it once but i have since found six different wraps and other evidence. He has now said that he wants help and wants to stop and admits its become a problem again. i feel alone and scared due to not having any drug user friends or family to speak to or anyone who may be able to offer support or help so am here looking for answers or advice anything at all so i can support him but also myself right now. Thank you in advance

[danman83]

I guees least he has admitted it and wants help again. Im the same as your partner and i hate the stuff and i am doing my best to stop. No matter what though now because he is an addict or ex, he is never going to be ok really same with me. So when you went away he probably thought im ok i wont use and hes put himself in a situation were hes gone out with people who use. But i could be wrong.

When did he last use? What is he doing to stop

[lola84]

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it . The situation as I’ve been told is that he bumped into an old friend near his work back in January who deals and they chatted and then he found himself saying don’t suppose you have some now and it tumbled from there – he started just a one off then the following week got more and then by the time I found the wraps he was doing about £140 a week at work at home in the car and he says he stopped hiding the wraps in the hope I’d find them as just didn’t know how to tell me . He’s promised me he will go to groups and will follow the plan now but unfortunately with the world as it is the groups are not open He’s admitted it to his family and friends and everyone is checking in with him . This week has been us again he’s been thoughtful and caring a whole new person although there have been a few wobbles mainly with me seeing things that may or may not be there as clearly some trust has gone . It’s devastating and I can see he’s hurting that I have lost trust but I suppose it’s to be expected . Do you go to groups regularly ?

[char2020]

Drugs just turn them into such liars. My partner is a heroin addict. This is my first time reaching out. Is this what we want for our lives? We can’t save them.. should we save ourselves?

[lola84]

No drug is better than others and I find it hard understanding having never taken drugs but heroine does sound rather bad – we can’t save them no they have to do that . Is tour partner getting help ?

[char2020]

He is on the methadone Programme but relapses more often than being clean. The relapse starts with taking heroin one a week then twice and so on until he is in full addiction again. Takes weeks then to get stable again… stays clean for it a small while then the same crap again. He wont go to meetings as he says they aren’t for him. I’m after asking him to leave me because he knows it’s the right thing to do to give me a good life because he knows I don’t have the strength to leave him right now.

[icarus-trust]

Hello Lola,

Thank you for posting. I am so sorry about the situation you find yourself in with your partner and am sorry that you don’t have anyone around you that can give you support.

I work for The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people in the same situation as you, dealing with a partner’s addiction. We have people who are trained and very experienced, who would understand what you are going through. If you contact us, I can put you in touch with one of them who you could talk to. It may help you to feel that there is help and support for yourself and help you to know what to do next.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Wishing you all the best.

[lola84]

Thank you I have reached out and contacted them . Thank you

[frh92]

Hello Lola,

I completely understand where you are coming from. The father of my little boy is addicted to cocaine and constantly hides it from me. he has been an addict since he was 18 and is soon to turn 31 (even though we are not in a relationship we still live together pending the sale of our property) There would be times i would pick up his trousers and rolled up notes and straw would tumble out and it would break my heart. I felt like he was the love of my life and he was all i had, but that not true. it took me a long time to figure it out. I’m not saying to spilt with him but you need to also think of yourself. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. its so hard when people say that and i hated it, but its so true. We went to groups but it only made him worse as he thought that he was better than everyone else there and that he didn’t really have a problem. if your other half wants to go to the groups brilliant! And if it has worked previously then even better. Support him by talking to him about the group and the people he met there. Suggest to do something after the group that made you both happy before like going for a walk or a drive afterwards. there is something about a little road trip and talking in the car that helps as you are not directly looking at each other and can focus on the road ahead and you will soon see the words come out.

I was complicit in taking the drug with him for around the 6 out of 10 years we were together. he introduced me to it and it was fun at first but then it was every other day he was taking it, he would even do a line before work to get himself through the day. i was stuck in a rut and had the feeling of “well if you can’t beat them, join them” and that was the worse advise i could give to myself. Stop while you can and if you can, it wasn’t until i had our baby that it all stopped for me. i focused on the little life inside me and i didn’t want a child to grow up having any difficulties as i would only blame myself forever.

Everyone’s stories and situations are different, but self care and looking after yourself takes a back seat when living with someone with an addiction. Do something for yourself, take a long bath or re connect with a friend. I also found that writing everything down and keeping a journal helped me as i would write to myself and figure out that he has his own journey and so do it. sometimes they just don’t go in the same direction no matter how hard you try.

In my opinion the relationship can only work if he is willing to change. But firstly be that support and be therefore him if he wants to take the step.

I hope this has helped

[lola84]

Thank you for sharing this . Firstly it made my heart really sad as you are so right I know there is a possibility that he won’t change and that makes me so sad and worried as I genuinely have never felt more loved and cared for in the past few years being with him (sounds odd I know ) because apart from the relapses he’s my soulmate , I was married for years to someone who did not make me feel this way and I am so sad that there could be a chance that this won’t be the ‘one’ when I do want it to be . Having said that I know I will be fine after the heartache if he won’t stop and I am strong enough to leave if I have to , I won’t accept lying he knows that now and when I asked him to his face he didn’t lie which is my only consolation right now although in effect doing it for the past few months is indirectly lying anyway . The other thing that stood out of what you have said is the thinking he’s better than those at the group , this was why we stopped he kept telling me I’m not like them I am fine they are different – now I understand he was right they are different because they take it seriously and are doing something to get themselves better and this is what he needs to understand this time round it’s such a shame though that the groups are currently closed but he has promised he will go to them and we are reading through the literature and starting together on the first step in the programme and speaking it through each night . Thank you for your comment it’s really helped me

[lola84]

Oh my goodness I feel for you & do you think he will do the right thing and leave ? If not you are going to need to pull all your strength and leave him I believe in you that you can do it you need to put yourself first x

[char2020]

No I don’t think he will… he burned all bridges with his family over the drug so all he has is me. He has nowhere to go so he will be homeless.. which is why I think I can’t finally leave him, I will be more or less putting him on the streets…

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