[pamela1993]

Hi all.

So, this is the first time I’ve done something like this but reading peoples comments I feel as if I’m reading my own story.

10 years ago me and my husband used to do a small amount of coke on a weekend. I remember us both thinking ‘wow it’s every weekend we need to stop’. We didn’t. Fast forward and we are parents of three who since lockdown have used probably every other day. Not in the daytime to start. Just an evening when kids in bed and mixed with alcohol. To me, having an alcoholic mum, I felt doing it made me clearer than if I was drunk so I justified my use as an escape but better than being drunk and falling everywhere. Now every other night has even extended. The night doesn’t end. We started not sleeping at all and then just trying to act normal. Just about getting away with it. Then two nights. And most recently we’ve done three. I’m scared in every single way about my control. Both of us are. Doesn’t matter how horrendous we feel afterwards, we do it again. We both plant the seed of thought to each other and we know what we’re doing. I’ve been so scared to reach out to anyone because the assumption is my children aren’t being looked after. Up until now I have been able to hide and seek ok but I also know they are seeing things that don’t make sense. I am scared for them. But we can’t stop. I have tried therapists but I often feel as if they don’t understand at all. Suggest diaries and ‘really trying’. They miss the point. I AM SO ASHAMED. I believe I continue because it’s easier than facing the reality of how crap I am. I want to know if anyone has found a service that really helps. Becaise I see no way out:

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