[Ch9123]

Hello, I really need advise. My partner and I have been together 4 years, he has always used cocaine over the past 3 months it has become a problem, he disappeared for days which he is prone to doing, this time it was while I had a planned operation and he was meant to take care of the children. I decided to move out with the kids as I’d had enough and wanted him to prove to me he was able to stop taking coke. Unfortunately things went the opposite way and I found out on christmas day he’s now on crack, he promised it was just a mistake and had just been a 2 week binge, but that was a lie. He’s been using every day, I went round yesterday and he was behaving completely erratic talking to himself. I spoke to him today and he was using again, he’s promised its the last time and he’ll be able to stop it no problem but I really don’t think that’s possible. Can someone just stop taking crack after binging on it for 3 weeks? Or is he a complete addict now, I really have no idea what to do. I’d only planned to leave temporarily woth the kids to give him a fright, I didn’t expect him to turn to crack!!

[BLena]

Hi there,

I noticed your post as your man has gone missing for days in the past and taking crack. I have been trying to get lots of info about crack online so can pass on what I understand. What I’m not clear about is the disappearance for days. Most are suggesting their partner goes overnight only and then comes home.

My man, is I suggest older, approaching 60 yrs, the same as myself. He has been taking for years, maybe 15 years, and it started recreationally at weekends. It seems he treated the coke as a party drug and would be on a high with his girl friend who introduced him. He believed he could take it and bragged to her that he could then just give it up, but that did not happen. It seems that he has continued and been able to function for years- picking up women after taking coke at weekends, and then working hard in the week on contract, so could fund his habit easily.

I met him 9 months ago, and he admitted his addiction to crack about 3 months in. He would be uncontactable for days and I would be torn apart. I would shower him with love and support in texts and that has helped him, because the blame and anger is already happening in their own head. When he confessed his addiction, I had already vowed to stick with him, as I thought he was having depressive episodes. He would say that he was in bed with back pains and had wheat allergies which knocked him out. He would be sweating and his sleep patterns bizarre. Of course this is all part of the after effects of taking crack. The erratic talking you mention is another give away. Mine can talk and talk anyway for hours but last time he spent hours after crack talking about this guy he had met who he thought about going into business with as a dealer. I sat, listened and tears rolled down my cheeks at the horror of him considering this.

He would go to a crack house  in London and get out ASAP to get back home the same night. The crack house, he says was disgusting and he can’t understand why he would be around such people. There is noise and chaos and madness and he just says nothing and watches, doesn’t take contacts or bring any drugs back home. He stopped going there when he lost his credit card there. The days or weeks he wouldn’t get in touch with me was he says due to the shame and disgust and days sleeping it off. He switches off his phone and breaks arrangements with everyone, even doesn’t turn up for work for days.

Now he goes to a Crack house in Reading, the town which has become the main drug centre of the south east. His habit takes him there right now every month, staying 4 nights, and I don’t get it. What the hell is he doing for that time ? I’m sorry to suggest this and maybe it has crossed your mind but I am plagued with him sleeping with someone else. He hates being in the cold, and these places can’t be comfortable or warm to be just sitting there. He has denied having sex, but does have big problems with addictions and temptations and crack and coke is known to increase the urge to have sex. I have my own place but we decided for me to spend more time at his from last November, as the regular eating of meals together and my discipline of early nights and needing to get up early for work, no drinking alcohol/smoking and my outdoor healthy lifestyle has helped him to get a better routine and aids his recovery time.

But, it hasn’t stopped him. When I go for a run or return home for an odd night he sneaks a cigarette and then starts drinking. He has the resolve not to drink or smoke for 3 weeks after his crack binge, and at the same time is disinterested in sex. Then all these urges take off again in the 4th week and right now he’s gone again. You see mixing drink and coke seems a lethal combination, increasing the health risks of a cardiac arrest. It does though increase the high from the crack.
He says he has not been coming back home because of me being there, and so this time I’ve refused to come over. I told him that unless he phoned or texted me on Sunday, I would not come and sit at his and worry and wait for days. I am at my home but he still has stayed away for 4 nights.
When I turn up in a few days there is only shame, but I have never received aggression, blaming me or denial that he is not an addict and that he needs to listed to me and do better. He wants affection from me and is willing to engage in programs to help stop the addiction. But, this is short lived as he thinks it is something he can tackle, that it is not a physical addiction but a weak mind, that he gives in to the voice telling him to go for his fix.

The crack is cheaper than coke as it is cut with sodium bicarbonate and smoked due to the lumps in it. Sometimes my man feels worse after a fix more than other times and maybe it’s being cut with fentanyl or mixed with something cheap and nasty. He has a rattly chest with the large of amount of smoking involved. He doesn’t have the awful sores or look disheveled but he is getting cramps in his arms and his face looks tired for a few weeks afterwards. He drinks and eats healthily, goes to the gym/sauna which helps and then licks himself up again with a positive and I can kick this habit attitude.

He hardly has any money most of the time and if he does, knows it is likely to be spent on drugs, so the risk is after pay day. He has so many ideas about getting himself ahead and plans to get more money. We have plans to venture off to see the world and have talked about getting some where to live together.

Is your husband addicted after 3 weeks of crack ? Well, it’s known to be more addictive than Cocaine, and seems he has swapped the Coke for the crack addiction.  I’ve read that some people can just keep it as an occasional use, but I’ve also read that once taken that’s it, you’re hooked. The 12 step programme seems good in some cases but if he is a free thinking individual with a resistance to indoctrination and a fear of being a controlling person (which has happened to some of my boyfriend’s friends and family on the 12 step), and doesn’t want to disclose a lot about his life to others, then the programme may not be for him.

People have stopped by swapping the drug for a healthy addiction like running a marathon and there are techniques like urge surfing and understanding triggers.

Im not sure if mine truly can give up. I think deep down he may embrace this mischievous, reckless side of him, and I believe it gives him an excuse to opt out of life for a while. I’ve told him that there is always a benefit from doing something and may be these are some of them. He can’t understand why he does it, when he is likely to kill himself or lose everything ….isn’t that a typical story though.

It seems that love and support can help your husband and this may get him to talk about it and open up too. Denial seems to be common and aggressiveness. I’m lucky not to have this from mine, but I do wonder if I am in some ways enabling his use. The benefit with him being away from me for days is that I’ve started to calm myself and have talked around things in my head for days, have got the anger and frustrations and upset out of my system. I’ve read about giving ultimatums and saying it’s me or the drugs but the drugs always win.

This time though, he will see a more demanding me……I will be pressing him on his fidelity. Is he not now coming home because I will instinctively know he has been with another woman ? Is the guilt and the avoidance of sex, the high sex drive after alcohol, the wanting to keep sex “vanilla” with me, his past of picking up woman and many of his previous girl friends being wrapped up in addictions all indicators of what I am fearing ?
This time I will be stating that the idea of moving in with me from his rented place is not a good idea right now and that getting somewhere together as well as traveling is a high risk for me. I am concerned that his debts will land on my doorstep, that he may be followed home, that I may be arrested with him, that he can not be the rock when things go wrong. He is not there, or reachable, not dependable, my trust is not there when he is off smoking his crack.

Yet, I love this guy and if it wasn’t for the drugs it would be perfect.  This though is the person he is.
Each time it happens I become that bit stronger and have started forming my plan B. Unlike, yourself, I don’t have ties to my man, except for emotional ones. I have to come to terms that this affectionate, fun, easy going guy who I thought could be with me for the rest of my time, can not give me the building blocks of a secure relationship and maybe that’s what really matters.

it seems that there is a very slim chance that our men can stop the crack and so if you’re staying with him think about a gradual withdrawal to protect your emotions and your family. It seems that there are so many of us that can’t seem to leave. Our partners are infact our drug, but like the addict, we have to keep faith that we can kick the addiction and maybe will have the strength to walk away for good.

 

 

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