[susie]

Hi, this is he first time I have used a blog so I may ramble. My ex is an alcoholic. We were together 22 years and have two grown up boys who live with me. He has been drinking for about 15 years. He never used to drink at all when we first got together. Over the years he has done many things to us all, mostlymental totrture. Although he has never physically hurt any of us that is just down to good luck. He has put a quiilt against the windows and set fire to it, outside the house in the middle of thecnight because i wouldn’t let him in. Luckily the smoke alarm woke us up. He has smashed every window in the house, he has used a machette to chop into the bannister trying to chop hte stairs down. He would barricade us out of the house for days on end and we would have to stay with friends and family until he ran out of money for beer. I have had injunctions gainst him which he has breached on numerous occasions ending up in jail. Just before Christmas he held me at knife point in my house for two hours, cutting thevphone line and saying he was going to kill himself and me. Our 22 year old son and some of his friends managed to get in and get me out we rang the police but he ran off before they came. He has lost eervything because of his drinking, his business has gone, he now lives in a run down Victorian flat on top of a shop with heroin addicts and drug dealers in the same block. His mum bought him.a van tontry to help him get on his feet and he has heroin addicts sitting in the back of it al day. I therefore presume he is now smoking heroin, though I have never witnessed it. The thing is he knows what buttons to press. He knows I am soft and when he is sober he is lovely, as many alcoholics are. He has a few sober days, begs me for help which i try to give, then he goes back on the ale. He is under threat of eviction because he won’t get sick notes or go to appointments with the dole. He then gets sanctioned, they don’t pay his rent. I cone along and try to sort it out, then off he goes again. It is just like a merrygoround. I went to see him two weeks ago after phone calls from him and his mum begging me to help because I am the only person he will listen to, I took him the doctors, contacted a charity to get him a support worker to help with his finances, he made all the right noises ubt now he is back drinking again. He never actually had an appointment with anyone because he locks himself in his flat for weeks on end speaking to no one just going out to get money, usually from his mum, then straight to offlicence. Then the service providers are tired of trying to contact him so they close his file. He has just phoned me again begging for help, crying, he is always threatening to kill himself. I really do not know what to do anymore. I am scared that one day he will kill me when he is really drunk and angry, I also feel sorry for him and worry that if he did kill himself would i be able to live with myself. Also though our sons dont have much to do with him (they are adults and make their own choices) I feel that they will blame me if he dies, either through drink or suicide. I think there are quite alot of people who would blame me. I know it is nit my fault but I feel really helpless and guilty bbecause.i Have just blocked his calls from my phone because i feel like my head will explode. I am like a swan walking around laughing everything off looking normal whilst paddling like mad under the water trying to stay sane. I also ahve the added worry of my mum who is an alcoholic. She has been in rehab, she has been an alcoholic for about 40 years, all through our childhood. She really cut down but is now back.on 3 litres of vodka Thursday to Monday. She has Tuesday and Wednesday off for some reason I don’t understand. She is getting really depressed and won’t go out the door. She will do the garden, cook and clean but won’t go out anywhere. my dad does all the shopping etc and he buys her vodka for her because he has had enough of trying to stop her. I dontvknowcwhat. iexpect to get from putting all this on here but I am fed up of feeling both afraid and guilty for both of them.

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