[tiredandtested]

Hi guys,

I’m hoping someone can help! This may be a long one, so please be patient… I’ve been holding a lot in!

Hubby and I have been together for 20years, he’s been a high functioning alcoholic for the first 17 years,we’ve got 2 children (16&19). Those years were filled with his drinking, mostly openly but often in secret (well, so he thought. I was an expert in knowing even before he’d opened his mouth). Every second of my days were filled with worrying what lay ahead, how to hide it from the kids, how to appease him until he had sobered up, then how to argue my case so he could see just how we were all being damaged. This list goes on… But the whole time it was always my complaining about his drinking that was making our lives a misery. If I just didn’t nag then everything would be ok.

Fast forward to the time we spent in couples counselling, and in a one to one session she validated my suffering and that felt like the green light I needed to say Enough was Enough. She said we wouldn’t not be able to seek couples counselling until his drinking was under control. So, eventually he read Allan Carr’s book, and simply gave up… Literally just stopped.

He was very clear that he didn’t want to say he would NEVER drink again, because the pressure would be touch. He had a couple of telephone counselling sessions but didn’t feel the need for anymore, and now the rest, as they say, is history.

BUT… and here is the problem… I am struggling to heal from all the trauma and chaos of my entire adult life. The last 3 years have been amazing, all I ever wished for… In theory. He doesn’t drink, I no longer dread coming home from work, or start worrying from September onwards about how the Christmas period would go. I struggle with anxiety, something I have desperately tried to take responsibility for ever since the pandemic, as I knew I wasn’t safe in my own head. I have come so far, and am so proud of my achievements but I am now filled with resentment about the lack of acknowledgement and accountability from my husband. He sees my mental health as MY problem and he is watches as I try a thousand different therapies, meditations etc to help myself .. but he NEVER considers that actually, HE played a huge part in this.

I recently started Al-Anon meetings, at first I didn’t tell him I went because it felt like a massive betrayal, I’m so proud of him and grateful that it’s over. But I told him in the end, and all he said was “ok”. Not even asked me why I felt I needed it. It’s like those 17years never happened. I’m silently wondering if I’ve gone insane and imagined the whole thing!!

I have brought up the idea of going back to couple counselling as I don’t want the responsibility of handling this on my own and worrying about how to word it all properly so as he doesn’t feel like he’s being attacked. But he just thinks we can “sort it” ourselves. But he has no comprehension of the impact it has had.

Please someone tell me I’m not losing my mind?!?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far xx

[janet111]

Hi Iv just read your story hope your ok have you spoken to your doctor? It’s not nice when they don’t admit the damage there drinking does to us seems like there’s always the denial there you take care x

[janet111]

Btw your not losing your mind x

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