[feelinglost46]

I’m feeling lost and I have nobody I can talk to in person about any of this. Especially not anybody that will understand.

I’ve been with my fiance for almost five years. September 29th will be five years. We met playing hockey, a sport we both love. And he has helped me so much to get better at it (I was a noob when we met and he grew up playing and is really good lol).

When we started dating a long time ago, he was honest with me from the get go. He had been to prison for possession and was on parole. He had a history of prescription drug use after his time serving in Afghanistan. When we started dating, he had been clean for almost a year. He also has two children, but not by me and they live with their mothers out of state.

Fast forward a year into our relationship, he proposed. I said yes. A little while later he relapsed… And I think the trigger was his son leaving to go home after spending the summer here with us. Only it’s evolved into cocaine use. He started going to a state methadone center to get help after I found out he relapsed. He didn’t tell me because he was ashamed, and I discovered it after I realized I was missing a decent sum of money from savings. At that point, I told him point blank that I will not marry him if he can’t prove to me he cannot remain sober. I don’t want that to be my future. I told him he would have five years of my life to prove that he can be worth my future.

Well, it’ll be five years in a month. And he hasn’t been able to prove it. He has been unemployed for almost two years now, constantly in and out of random jobs but never anything consistent. He still goes to the methadone clinic and his dosage hasn’t gone down. And when he misses a day because he doesn’t wake up to his alarm, he goes right back to using because he can’t stand being methadone sick. Well, I can’t stand being his alarm clock and worrying if he makes it there before they close while I’m at work. I am so tired of him asking for money. I work two jobs to keep us afloat. I’m an engineer so I make pretty good money, and on top of that I work a 16 hour part time job… And yet somehow, I still have no savings. I still find myself struggling. Add to that his multiple tickets and accidents driving… Just a general crap shoot.

I told him last night that I do not believe we can be together. That he needs to figure out how to be happy without me, and he has to choose to get clean on his own and be stable and support himself… I can’t continue this way and be his safety blanket any longer. Maybe in the future we can start over if we haven’t already moved on.

He’s not taking it well. He hasn’t been sleeping, and the only solace I have is knowing he will not hurt or kill himself because he has a five month old puppy that depends on him.

The biggest problem is that he has nowhere to go. No family to help him because they’re done with him and they’re all out of state. No friends here that aren’t of a bad sort.

He has one true friend that he has done some jobs for on and off, another disabled veteran that he really clicks and connects with. But he lives on the opposite side of the state. There’s a job he needs my fiance for in three months out there, and it’ll be a 6 month job. I guess I’m just at the point where I think I’ll let him stay here with me until that point and in the mean time hopefully figure out how to move out there.

I own my home, in my name only. So obviously I can’t be the one that leaves. But I am not heartless, ESPECIALLY when it comes to animals. I can’t just kick him and the puppy out to the curb.

I’m just worried because it’s already so fucking hard to think that we’re over and I am the one that made the decision. I love him so much, the real him. If I let him stay it’s going to be the toughest three months of my life resisting the urge to return to our normal.

I feel so lost. Sorry for the incredibly long winded post. I barely even scratched the surface. ????

Edit:

I also want to say that I have a pretty healthy life outside of my relationship. I play hockey and it’s a great stress reliever. I love it so much. And I work out 3 to 4 times a week too. So I am focusing on me and trying to be happy myself. So at least there’s that.

Another huge thing for me is that I love travelling. But can’t do it with him because of the methadone limitations, and because of money issues. He also can’t get a passport because he owes child support money still and I heard that bars you from getting a passport.

That’s a huge thing to me. I love travel.

[lindyloo]

Hi, I’ve been reading your post. I think you’ve been very brave and strong in making your decision to break from your partner.

Youve given hin 5 years to turn his life around and he’s not done anything to help himself get out of this vicious circle he’s in….and stopping you from getting on in life.

These addictions are so cruel and they affect everyone in their path. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to change yet. He’s got to want to do it himself.

We’ve had problems with our son who has alcohol and drug addictions. He has his own place but the only time we see him is when he has no money for food, cigarettes petrol. He’s my son and I love him but I hate the choices he’s making and the way he uses us to get what he needs. He’s holding down a good job, but blows his wages within a week or ten days and its been that way for ages. Its exhausting as he’s so predictable.

I really sympathise with your situation, you look after yourself and move on when you’re able to ,it doesn’t look like hes going to change any time soon. I wish you the very best take all the advice and support that’s available. Lx

[feelinglost46]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Lindyloo. It’s refreshing to hear someone validate my decision because I keep flip flopping from thinking I’m doing the best for me and the flip side, I’m running away and giving up.

I’m sorry to hear about your son. Addiction is such an evil monster. 🙁 I hope he has an eye opening event that can push him to recovery, just as I hope the same happens for my now ex.

With my now ex, his mother and I would constantly take the brunt of his mood swings, anger, guilt tripping, etc. It’s just so hard to deal with.

As an update…

I officially took off my engagement ring yesterday, but he isn’t ready to take it back. To my knowledge, he hasn’t left and went on a binge to drown his sorrow, and I’m a little proud of him for that. He is constantly saying he knows he fucked up the only good thing in his life, and that I will move on and find someone better because that’s what I deserve since he doesn’t believe he can get through this.

It’s hard. I know deep down a lot of what he says is to try and get me to take him back. It’s so so hard to stay the course. I feel so heart broken.

I’ve told one of my friends who knew I was having issues. He’s out of state and what not but one of my best friends. I feel like I should tell more people because they can hold me accountable but I also don’t want to deal with questions or I told you so (the last from my family especially). Do you think it’s wrong of me to put that off?

[lindyloo]

Hi feeling lost

I hope you’re well and coping okay.

I just noticed that you asked a question at end of text.

My family, ie elderly parents and brother and sisters aren’t aware of my son’s addictions. They know I have anxiety and stress, but i haven’t told them that my son causes most of it.

I have 2 very close friends who I have confided in , and I feel better when I share my concerns with them. I don’t like burdening them too much though , it can get a bit heavy.

My elderly parents couldn’t handle it, my sisters would want to march round and stick up for me – bless them. Ignorance is bliss sometimes!

I hope that you are in a happier place now, life is too short. I’m trying to meditate a bit and trying to find happiness in simple things.

Take care of you. Lx

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