[matthew1]

I guess I’m here for strength. I have lost alot in the last 6 weeks. My partner, our 5th anniversary was the 28th of last month.

I initially lost my children due to addiction and which resulted in the police and social services being involved. But they have come home now. For 6 years after there mother left I had them 4 days a week. Now it’s 50/50. I feel I’m being pushed around a little. But I don’t mind them being with there mother 50% of the time if that is what they want.

But I think it can be structured better than the 3 times a week pick ups and drop offs.

My dad was my super hero all my life. So cool. So kind. But I saw a different side to him recently. I scared him and he scared me. And now we don’t talk. I still have issues with trusting him. It’s ironic as he was trying to help me i think.

I had never been arrested before. On the 7th of June I was arrested 3 days consecutively. The 3rd day I was sectioned. I was out of the hospital by the Thursday. I was not craving drugs I felt ok just confused about the last night with the police. I do not want to kill myself. I want to be happy.

Although I have my children back and that’s what we all wanted, I have realised I have lost them in a different way. I don’t want to lose them they are my world. But they can’t see it. It’s breaking my heart. I’m breaking there hearts and mine.

I need to stay free of drugs. And I want to come here and be a part of this forum.

I am in essex.

I have my own company that’s not going well. Mounting debts. And I think I will lose my licence due to testing positive for cocaine. But I have still not had a court date.

There are many things that lead me to use cocaine. The strain on my relationship. The fun. But it wasn’t fun. I was paranoid and jealous and became intensely focused on whatever in thought about. Normally negative things.

Right now I’m focusing on positive things. And I have changed my life a huge amount. I have alot of good things around me now. Yet cocaine is never far. And I have met a few people I wish I hadn’t recently.

I know this is longish. So I apologise. I have so much more to say.

Matthew.

[matthew1]

I just want whoever reads this. That is the first time i have genuinely acknowledged I am a cocaine Addict.

I keep upsetting myself. Thinking how did this happen? How? I refuse to let this be at me. You know I’ve never beaten cigarette’s. But you know what, they haven’t had the impact on the people I love like cocaine has. I think my daughter is lost. I don’t know I’m confused. This sounds odd but in the same way my ex would just switch on me in a moment. Now my daughter is doing it. I couldn’t bare it when my ex would do it it left me confused upset angry. But you know what, with my daughter it’s magnified. I have said to her, please you know what I have been through you know I’m trying to cope. And she says she’s trying. But you know what she has every right to not like me or make things harder for me. I didn’t mean to but I didn’t just do this to me, I did this to them also. It’s hurting me so much. I feel lost without my children’s love. I’ve put them through this for a year, slowly getting worse.

On a different note a more positive note. After I left hospital. Found out my ex was sleeping with anoth man within a week, the house empty with no children, no dad the super hero to talk to every day. I at that time didn’t want cocaine. I was not craving it for the first time past 4 or 5 days. I won’t go into all the details of those 3 days. But I still get flash backs. But I was ok for the first few days. And then i hit a real low. There was only so much positivity I could have when everything was gone. My four super special people that made every day were gone. 50% of them still are gone. And 25% of them are gone for good. I say that but i feel im losing my daughter now. It’s a horrendous affliction we allow to oush upon ourselves and others.

Nobody made me take it. But circumstances and my partner and her new friend certainly helped open that door. But it boils down to one thing as my ex always told me. NOBODY FORCED IT UP YOUR NOSE.

But back tithe positive part. I have met artists. Kind caring people. And I do things now where I didn’t. Well I do positive things now. I completed my first piece of epoxy artwork. It’s no van Gogh, but it’s a start.

I am so sorry for all of this, that’s to those I love. How? Why?

[stillhopeful2019]

Hey I just want to say keep it up, sounds like you’re on the right path. You dont need coke, i used to tell my husband all the time. The fact you are not craving it hopefully shows you are stronger than that shit drug. Stay positive and focused for your kids. Best wishes.

[danman83]

Hi mat im same as you. Im lapsing every 4 week. I hate the stuff… ive learned quite abit how to.cope with it and ways to stop. But like you said its everywere. You seem to have your head screwed on and i can relate to you. Do.you want to swap nums to support each other?

[lostallcontrol]

Danman i would love to swap details

[danman83]

A

[bays]

Hi Matt and hi everyone

Ive seen the other side. I’m the wife and soon to be ex-wife and who has full responsibility of a 9 year old, a big house, two dogs and a full time job.

He is now off cocaine, but he put me and my son at risk 100s of times over the years. He even spent £40k on the stuff.

You can get there. I did pay for private rehab, but he said that AA and NA was what really helped him change his life around.

He has changed as a person and he is still aggressive by nature and still sends me vile messages but I guess he is hurting that our 9 year old no longer wants a relationship with him.

You can turn your life around if you are willing to do it. You need to throw yourself into your recovery and start a whole new chapter in your life and that includes new friends, family and new surroundings.

I wish you the best of luck

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