[vixem]

Hi, I’m writing this as I have finally excepted that I can not help my partner with his drink problem. However, what I do now is a mystery. We have a small child and I’m the sole earner. So if I leave I would have to give up my job, my house and take my daughter out of a wonderful primary school. I just dont know where to start, but he won’t go because I pay for everything and he hides in his bedroom drinking. He looks after our daughter when I work early mornings and late nights. But I am in a permanent panic incasev. He has one of his days and I’m not there.

[dragonella]

Hiya, my son is in exactly the same position as you, except it’s the mum who’s the alcoholic and my grandson is only two years old. Social services have been involved but they are useless as their view is that the little boy has one sensible non-alcoholic parent.

My son has no idea what he will go home to each day, and like you he is trapped because he’s the sole earner and couldn’t manage as a single parent. I really wish she could see that she risks losing everything and I am now getting completely sick of her chaotic behaviour, and beginning to think by helping her out I am simply enabling her.

[vixem]

Hi Dragonella, it helps to not feel alone. Your poor son is going through hell trying to keep the ship afloat. The support you are giving him is probably giving him the strength to keep going. I really hope he finds a way to make things work for himself and his son. Small steps each day. I wish my family were closer and knew what was going on. They are 100 miles away and I’m completely alone always an excuse to not attend social gatherings. He has made sure my friends stay away. Work is my only respite knowing my daughter is at nursery but at 3.15 the panic begins again.

[dragonella]

Hi well now you know you’re not alone too! It’s so hard, I have no idea what I can do, but I actually sold my house and moved to be near them to try and help out.

I don’t want to interfere. I think I’m already viewed as someone who has found out her guilty secret. She ruins everything, even her own sons birthday, anything we try and do.

I am close enough that sometimes my son and grandson just come to me and stay overnight because he can’t stand it. And then he has to go to work.

I look after the little boy one day a week but I have no idea what she does on that day. It is supposed to be so she can go to alcohol support but I think she went once.

I think things need to come to a head.

This weekend it was my youngest sons 18th birthday. Of course it was alcohol free. But she managed to find the bottle of rum we had in the house and secretly drank it (we found the bottle after) and did the usual drama and storming off thing.

Spoiling my other sons birthday!! I am now pretty cross with her!!! Xx

[vixem]

I am not surprised. We never go anywhere anymore. Darenth risk what he will do. Today he has just screamed at me because I went to the chemist to collect my daughters prescription and he was going to do it?? I am so drained it seems my only option is going to be to walk away from. Everything, leave everything behind and go to my mums with my tail between my legs.

[dragonella]

Hi Vixem,

Don’t be ashamed. If you have to leave because of this situation it’s him that should be ashamed. You are doing the best you can for your daughter, she has to come first. Are social services involved?

I’m afraid after the events on Sunday, I have advised my son and partner that I will not be taking care of my grandson one day a week, as I am too upset about her spoiling my other son’s party. And I can ill afford a full day unpaid.

Apparently that has caused a massive storm, and he did manage to throw her out one night. Though I’m now feeling as if it’s me who causing trouble! Yes it is trouble, but I have just said I am not enabling the situation to carry on any longer by helping them, as she is not getting the help she is offered. All is quiet today, I do know my son had to take the day off yesterday, but they are keeping me on a need to know basis! And really I am here to support them but I do have another son at home who has just had two years off school due to ill health! So I am pulled in all directions xx

[vixem]

You have to commit yourself to your family and by not enabling her behaviour you are doing that along with caring for your other son. Unfortunately doing the right thing usually hurts. Socially services are not involved I requested a voluntary visit however, again as one fully functioning parent is there, there was nothing they could help with at that time.

I am going to email primary schools near my mum today and have been put on the transfer list at work. So I am slowly seeing a chance to escape. I just dread the debt that will follow as he will loose the house but will build up a massive rent arrears in the process.

[disneycalm]

Hi Vixem,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a similar situation, with my partner refusing to see his drinking as a problem. While he doesn’t wake up and require a drink right away, he doesn’t see any problem is staying up all night drinking.

Like you, I’m the only person earning in the house, and the benefits he does get, he ends up spending on booze. He finds anything a reason to ‘celebrate’ with a drink, or to ‘drown his sorrows’. It’s so tiring, isn’t it?

[vixem]

Thats exactly my situation. Its exhausting. The lighter side of me says he would celebrate the opening of a banana. His 2 children from his previous relationship are visiting today. Absolutely dreading it as there will either be celebrations because all went well or he will drown his sorrows if they argue. I just wish they could see what they are doing to themselves and to their families.

[disneycalm]

My other half is the exact same – he put in a job application, he celebrated, and then he was invited to do another part of the job, and he celebrated. I try and say something to him, and I get told that I am nagging and I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I hope it all goes well with your visitors today and you get through it alright.

[dragonella]

You would think social services would be interested, but they aren’t! My son is the responsible parent, but who knows what’s going on while he’s at work. They have been involved on and off but just say they need to sort it out themselves. He can’t give up work as they already down to the bare bones financially and I can’t see her ever working.

My grandson is only 2 and is beginning to pick up on the situation. I feel quite helpless really as I know I don’t have a say, though social services know I have moved nearby and think it’s another reason they aren’t interested.

Good luck for today. And if you decide to move then this is an ideal time with school. I’m sure your mum would welcome you and your daughter with open arms xx

[vixem]

Thank you Dragonella. I know she would and she would be furious if she knew what I had been going through alone. I know I really need to do it in the next 6 weeks so my daughter can start reception as if nothing had happened.

Could your son not look into seeing if he could get help with childcare through one of the government schemes. I know it isn’t easy and when money is so tight it seems impossible. I understand that social services have to prioritise cases. But do feel they could support both my and your family more. The last thing I want for both of us is for the children to be taken into care. But surely there must be a way they can help to ensure that care doesn’t become an option. I know we have to sort it out ourselves but when the person is in denial how can one person get through to them.

[vixem]

Hi Disneycalm Im always nagging too and again I have no idea what I am talking about. To be honest today has gone reasonably well. There was no arguments and I have come home from work to a relatively sober man. It still doesn’t take away the panic it causes me while I am at work wondering what I will come home to. How has your day been? Sorry posted to wrong placex

[Author]

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