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Hi
Come here for some help and advice as I don’t know what to do.
My husband drinks heavily when at home – he’s always drank and can sometimes go periods without drink – doesn’t drink at work etc just at home / on time off.
By heavily I mean at least 8 cans of lager in an evening
Doesn’t touch spirits
I have expressed several times my worry over long term drinking etc and he says he knows but he will calm down for a week then ramp up again.
He’s recently begun hiding his drinking and if I confront him he lies.
On Saturday morning for example he got home after a night shift and went to bed – I went out with kids
When I’ve returned the three cans that were in the fridge were gone and absolutely no sign of the cans and washed up his glass
Yesterday morning he did the same
So last night I hid the remaining six cans and moved them later this afternoon to somewhere he could see them.
Ive then gone for a walk with the kids. Gone about 40 mins.
When I get back three cans have completely disappeared. Completely disappeared.
When confronted he says “I drank them this morning” I said where did you get them from?
There by the table
No you didn’t
Ok they were in the shed
Again no they weren’t
He then says I don’t know where they’ve gone then but I’ve only had one:
He now knows I know he’s lying and hiding.
He’s gone out and won’t be back til late.
I don’t know what to do as I can’t keep going round and round in circles
Last year he had issues with cocaine – which have been rectified (obvs always a worry but been 10 months now without) – so I never tackled him on drinking as it was almost one battle at a time.
But it’s getting out of hand
I can’t stand the deceit and the worry and I don’t want to lose him to the drink
Help! I really need some support and advice and understanding
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Hi there, I get you, and am in a similar situation here. My husband and I are talking about his problem drinking and he is seeking help but its so slow coming.
He says he hides it because he doesn’t want the confrontation and he drinks for a variety of reasons.. stress, avoidance, pleasure. I have come here for support too as I finally think I need help to cope with the stress it causes me.
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I found talking when he has been drinking always ends in arguments too. It’s not recommended from what I’ve read. I find it very difficult not to confront him at the time though it triggers high anxiety in me and I can’t bare it.
. I wish I could wait until he was not drinking but he denies it then so I try to confront gently and head on even though I’m screaming inside.
It’s not been a great week here, we had a really big row, because he was trying not to hide it from me and told me more truth than I could actually handle, He got angry and so did I, and he was sober at the time I think.
A big step for him but it almost broke us. He had a better day yesterday though I feel very vulnerable and trapped by his behaviour and because financially we are totally dependent on him.
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Hi Legospin. How are things?
We have had a few rocky days.
He was trying really hard to get help with a local service but they failed to get back to him when they said they would. He rang and rang for support and a plan they are supposed to be writing for him. He cut his alcohol by half and for a week he was a really different guy . I could see he was much happier. But then stress came and he couldn’t handle it and came home drunk. I’m so annoyed at the lack of support especially when it was so difficult for him to reach out too. His dr said she was going to call him too and hasn’t. I can’t be angry with him but I’m annoyed that he got drunk just before coming home and sat at the dinner table with me and the kids.
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Don’t buy it for him as you will become his next excuse and an enabler. If you want him to stop then buying it is sending the wrong message.
He needs to get help though and he needs to be able to take responsibility and decide what exactly is important to him. Is the drink more important than anything else? Thank you ? Than the kids? Than your family life?
For my husband I think his work and me and the children being financially dependent were the only things that was slightly more important. ( but he was starting to drink during the day too and whilst working so that too was becoming less important) I confronted him everyday I saw him drunk. Told him it wasn’t appropriate and that he would have to make a decision as I had to protect myself and the children. He could see how anxious it was making me and he went to the dr for support. I did too and my dr gave me anti depressants for my anxiety they didn’t give my husband anything though, but sent him for physical checks and to a substance abuse service for assessment.
His dr won’t give him anti depressants until he stops drinking.
I think when they are actually drinking every day though it becomes the only good thing that they have in their lives. That’s what my husband says. He says he hasn’t got anything else that’s fun or that soothes/numbs his stress. He definitely is depressed. Life is very stressful and he has lost sight of fun days or even just feeling happy. The drink clouds everything though and is a depressant too so it became like a dark hole he couldn’t climb out of.
Something has changed here though. My husband did get some help from this local service. ( not much) but talking to me and his dr and the little help , even though the service is unreliable, seemed to be helping him see a better future. It’s been really hard. If I and then children were not so dependent I think I might have walked away a few times but for some reason ( love/hope) I managed to dig deep and I’m still here.
Do you have other support other than here? . Maybe in January if he can manage without it then it will be a good month for talking? Encourage him to talk to his dr. And for him to see the benefits? Give him some time to get through the first few horrible days /a week with no drink then try to find all the positives.
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