[upwardspiral]

So hear we go..big deep sigh

My partners cocaine and drug use has completely spiraled out of control. Now its really taking its toll on family members and relationship. I am completely broken.

This is a long term relationship 10 years plus. I am living with my in-laws. My other half liked to have a drink and smoked weed. But was in control of himself. He worked very hard long hours and was well respected because he was so good. He was confident to go alone in his business venture. He wanted me to leave my other lower paid job and join his company. Which I did as I wanted to help him too. Things were good. He would do anything to help anyone out, if they was in financial trouble he would be the person to help them etc. He had workers for him and to be honest was far too generous with their wage packets! Way way above the normal wage amount. Apart from the odd drinking incident when he wasn’t very nice, he was apologetic for his behaviour, always keen to make it up. He was a confident person who had people in fits of laughter with his jokes banter.

Business took abit of a hit financially, which was added stress on him. But he was still getting work elsewhere. I guess he was what he classed himself as the ‘occasional’ use of cocaine at this point. Of course I was not happy with this. Hoping to myself this was a silly phase and he would come to his senses.

He had an accident which prevented him from doing his physical job for a few months with surgery, hospital apps etc I think this made his cocaine use worse.

I can always tell when he has been bang on it, mannerisms etc. But it started with withdrawing himself and being awake til it was nearly morning. To be honest I was so frustrated that he kept me awake nearly every night with ‘checking’ every single bloody noise or needing a cigarette etc. I was so sleep deprived and I did vent my frustration saying how ridiculous he was.

I remember one day I saw an article in the magazine about a man who lost it all due to his cocaine habit… I showed him and he laughed and cockily said that would never happen to him…

He went away with his Dad to help him out with his business. He phoned me after a few drinks he told me that he had told his Dad everything. It was like an instant weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought finally he might actually start tackling the problem.

Sadly things carried on how they are. As he is very good convincing us and himself that he can sort this himself. He just needs to be kept busy, and he can manage it.

Work with the other place, dried up, I think someone told the boss what he was doing. So he was given a job at his Dads place. Off site work etc. It pays very well but not as much as he had been used to.

Word started to get around about his cocaine use, the people that we used to speak to or go out with basically shunned us some of them took it upon themselves to try and help him, but they have also given up at the first hurdle I don’t blame them .We used to actively go out together with other couples for dinner / bbq’s etc, but this has all stopped. Which means part of my social life has been cut too thanks to his use. They all know I don’t use. So it kind of hurts that I have been treated the same too.

I have done nights away etc to help him escape. I have paid them so he didn’t feel pressured to pay etc. One event was still near to home, he was that much in a bad mood because he didn’t have any cocaine. Around the event I could tell he was frustrated, he wanted to rush about and go to the hotel. On the way to the hotel he reduced me to tears about what a horrible selfish person etc used to all the name calling etc, I get used to the vile name calling. He knew he pushed me to the point I was completely broken… he was then bit sorry for his outburst.

He said he would be ok if he sorts himself out. He then left me by myself at this hotel for a good hour or so, he was all happy and that I should just forget what just happened. Me being me of course I did and looked forward to the evening, wow I was in for a massive disappointment! Lets just say I sat there by myself most of the night because he needed to have a cigarette or go to the toilet etc constantly.

After being by myself for 30 mins at one point, I thought I see what he was up to, he was outside with no cigarette in sight just sat on his phone. To be honest I was so angry at this point and so disappointed. He really did ruin the whole thing by his selfish behaviour. I told him he had really upset me, I did get yet another pathetic apology. That is just one event, there has been a handful of episodes.

Problem is when he doesn’t have any cocaine in his system he turns to drink… he is a horrible vile monster! Awful verbal abuse I have suffered but when I have tackled him when he is sober I get from him they are just words

He is draining monies like you wouldn’t believe. Even though I have taken a wage hit working for his family I still save something aside to keep things running. Pets we have, car, bills etc

He got into debt with something… rather than saying sorry can you help me out. He acted like it was his god given right to drain my monies to get him out of the debt!

If I don’t say yes I get told I am a selfish you know what. I would be much more understanding if lost job etc.. He still takes a good wage home every week. So he burns his money on toxic rubbish basically. He sometimes contribute to some things…

One night he didn’t have money for cocaine he woke up after drinking heavily he screamed and shouted at me what a selfish b____ I am, he needed money now otherwise he will be in trouble. In a horrible mess I was I drove him to the ATM and drawn out the monies he needed. I sat in the car whilst he ‘met’ someone. I just cried and cried wishing I would wake up from this nightmare. I said shall I ring one of my family members I tell them what I am up to now? Once again because he got his own way he was sorry for what he done and said…

I have tried ringing for help, one of these addiction places etc and to be honest I just feels scripted like you can do this or he needs to do that… I guess what I mean I was hoping to speak to someone who understands the situation completely.

I even thought going down private counselling route at my cost for him to get the help… she was lovely she said you have had enough but he needs to make the call himself if he was serious about it. I put the number his way, offered to be there when he want to make the call. Always an excuse why he can’t and he then just says he can do it himself. But pointed out numerous times if he can why does he carry on doing it.

He doesn’t take care of himself personally hygiene wise. I have tried the oh I will pay for haircuts etc, I just get scolded for getting on at him.

People are commenting about his serious drop in weight. My family members have noticed and tried speaking to him. They think its work related stress, they don’t know the truth… I felt kind of angry because they was saying I shouldn’t take things for granted as he is working hard to provide. Oh boy really I did want to blurt out the truth but somehow kept my composure.

His Dad is at a loss a swell. He has tried small talks with him. But nothing changes. Other family members know and all pinning on me to sort him out… but I physically can’t anymore, I am exhausted and broken myself now. But other family members are really stressed about it all.

Then I suddenly changed, and for once thought really hard about myself, but he went away for a couple nights. It sounds bad for saying this but for the first time in ages it felt like I could breathe again, because I wasn’t worried what an addict was up to, or treading on eggshells to see what sort of mood he was going to be in. For the first time he could be someone else’s problem rather than mine.

The house atmosphere was completely happy and calm. No tension or anger in sight!

When he did come back I could smell the drink on his breath, I will be honest I wasn’t happy open arms to greet him. I just was put off by the alcoholic breath and he did start to get into a rage about my reaction, but really what does he expect? As he was ‘ill’ when he was away and I think I was supposed to feel sorry for him?

I just feel after that trip away I have put my barriers up to him more.

I have tried the getting angry, getting sad, worried about his health & delivering ultimatums etc. Nothing works

I can’t find the right time to talk at him at all anymore. He’s in a bad mood when he wakes up (so thats out of the question). He works in the day and then avoids me all evening and rocks in at 11 most nights. Always an excuse why he can’t be around like something needs doing etc etc he likes to keep reminding me that I need to support and respect him.

I had started to look online for people in similar situations. One story was honestly like if I had wrote it. It scared the living daylights out of me

But anytime I talk he always takes it the wrong way with me? Like if he says I think we should have this… I say oh what about this instead.. I am then portrayed as the bad cop for having an opinion?

Apparently its my fault he doesn’t take care of himself, I said stop blaming it on me, do it for yourself for once!

He lives in the past with what he has done well with. Like look at all what I have done for you etc. Its great and I appreciate everything he has done, hence why I am so upset because he was one of the most loveliest persons you could of met.

But I don’t appreciate what he is doing at the moment. I said to him he can just go and have a load of drink or do cocaine for him to ‘forget’ his problems. I don’t drink nor do drugs and I can’t switch off from whats happened!

He sometimes sleeps in the other room, as he knows I know when he is on it.

But now its taking its toll on me hard, I am not sleeping or eating well at all. My mind is whirring, its jumbled I don’t know what is right or wrong anymore.

My stomach knots up from stress and worry. I cry on most days now, tears can just trickle down my face even just thought of processing everything.

He gets upset because I can’t simply hug him now and forget the awful stuff that has happened?

He somehow always manages to deflect the real issue and blames everything on me. He said why do you blame everything on my use?

I don’t argue about it anymore with him, I have tried to talk to him about it on numerous occasions, but he just gets angry about it. So sometimes I just sit and be quiet but even that is wrong as I am told then I am not making an effort. I completely doted on him, he was my best friend, I ceased all contact with my friends etc to focus on our relationship.

I really don’t know what the hell to do anymore I am so lost and feel isolated.

So have I done enough for him?

[deedee]

Reading your post I though I could have written it as that’s exactly what I’ve been through. My boyfriends is getting better stopped drinking as it a massive trigger. It’s still going to be a long road to recovery. You have done enough in fact you have done too much. He went start to stop until he admits to himself he has a problem and wants the help. The only advice I can give is try to look after yourself

[danman83]

Sorry to hear all this. Im in the same situation as your husband but im using once every 3 or 4 weeks. Sometimes longer.

I am doing my best to stop. I hate the stuff and when its wearing off and the downer kicks in i just cant take it anymore.

Going back to your question.. course you have done enough! It sounds like he has no intentions of stopping. I wish my gf helped like you are. I dont know the inns and outs.. but if its making you ill and cry so much.. you need to really start thinking of your self.

It sounds like hes using each day.. is he? How much is spending a week?

Is he out in the pub till 11 each night or working?

Plus he wont ever stop unless he really wants to.

[upwardspiral]

Thank you guys for replying. Danman83 your comment made me cry, it really hit home. I have been told by a few people I am too nice… I really do try and see the good in people I love. but again sheer guilt and disappointment that I can’t fix him. Just so frustrating that I am constantly being told by him that I am not doing enough to support.. how can I branch and help him if he choses to hide from me? Yes uses everyday, odd minor day he won’t. The most he has gone is a week, but that was replaced with drink which was even worse unpredictable behaviour.. I don’t know what is street value is but few hundred quid would be gone in 3-4 days.

We have an outbuilding, and he is doing bits and bobs but I know that’s his hiding place to do it…

One time he came back from being off it for a few days, things were going ok, he said to pop in for a drink with me ( I rarely drink and happy to have coffee etc) and we met with friends (they are sensible and know what the situation is) I had to pop back to home to sort things out and left him with them. Few hours later sadly he drank way too much and it was the trigger. He went and got some cocaine and bingo the vicious circle is back. Our friends was concerned about his erratic negative behaviour that afternoon. They even phoned up the next day to check if he was ok. We spoke about it and I said what upset you? He said nothing as such but drink was the factor.

I have even thought about a week away somewhere, but concerns are the mood swings, or when we get back he will go straight back to it. I think breaks away would only be a temporary fix. If we as a family had thousands to put him through rehab we would. I even mentioned in the past about moving out to help (when it wasn’t as bad as it is now) … but that’s now on the back burner as he wouldn’t be finically dependable. Sadly mine wouldn’t be able to cover it all.

Danman83 can I ask you this, I don’t mind about people having a relapse in a few weeks or months time… but how do I know if he is really trying to stop? Like I don’t know if I am being fobbed off. I have even suggested about signing him up for the gym to give him a new focus… but met with yeah it’s a good idea… but nothing, I guess his self esteem is rock bottom.

[danman83]

Well.. ive done loads of research how to stop. And had 8 councilling sessions. You basically have to turn your life around.. i bought a safe for my phone to be locked away at the weekends. I ask my gf to take it off me and lock it away but she doesnt.

You need to do new hobbies.. delete dealers numbers.. delete social media.. dont drink any alcohol what so ever this is a main trigger to get coke. I also have took up reading and read true life addiction stories. I listen to podcast.. the alan charles show is a good one. He was a coke addict for 24 years and is now 11 year clean. Im reading his book now its great!.

I listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube and podcast. Plus i listen to russell brand as he had a drug addiction.

My gf laughed at me the other day when i said its a disease. She doesnt really help. Not like you have. I feel embarrased talking about it to anyone and feel like ive got no one to go to really. My mum knows and has helped a bit. But..

[danman83]

Also watch louise clarke on you tube her videos on crack cocaine part 123.. shes an expert and will help you how to beat coke and she teachers things i never knew. I think you should watch it to..

So this basically is what i do to stop..you can hold it in front of me now and id say no way! Get it away from me.. but sometimes when friday comes every 3 or 4 week. I go weak and i hate it..

Your hubby seems to be worse but we are still addicts. He really needs to admit this if he wants to quit. Its ok saying.. yes thats a good idea.. but he isnt really doing it.

Sit him down and ask him now. What does he want to really do regarding coke. Then set him some deadlines.

[upwardspiral]

Yes I think we all need to stand firm together as a family and when no mean no that’s it. He basically throws a massive tantrum and it’s a horrid outburst so he can obtain what he wants.. mainly money.

Like he’s not here at the moment.. just been told now he needs to sort things out for work… this is what it’s like everyday for me at the moment. Sat here by myself. I do take myself out here and there, but I know specially with my family they know something is up and I am trying hard to keep face. I know they would be horrified what he has done and what he has put people through. I don’t want them to give him a hard time etc.

With you Danman83 sounds like you are doing great work and it seems you really are trying to conquer it. Feel a tad jealous, hopefully your girlfriend will start to realise how well you are doing. Sometimes it takes time for trust to build back up again.

I don’t want to throw abuse or insults at him as I don’t want him to feel what’s the point anymore etc. But everytime we try and talk calmly, it ends up heated as he takes it the wrong way and makes it all my fault! I don’t like shouting and always try and talk. He goes in with all guns blazing which I then react to… then I back down.

He even said what harm is it doing anyone with him doing it! I think REALLY? His bad temper doesn’t just stop with me, it’s anyone really takes the brunt of it.

Once he did admit he couldn’t believe I was still standing by his side… his friends have basically gone and given up on him.

I really do believe in trying in everything and not walking away… but boy it’s been really testing me these last couple of months. I did get somewhere to grow veg etc hoping that would be a way of him escaping… but not really interested. I gave him bits to do to help take his mind of it. He’s done that and basically not interested anymore. I have tried a few times now oh did you want to see how the plants are doing etc… I get the response of not really no.

I will def have to watch these videos, anything that can help him and me understand. As I said to him before I would come along and get the help with him as it would make me understand things so much better…

It’s strange as not knowing a situation of an addict before, I would of been like throw him out selfish you know what.. but actually going through it’s not as easy as that!

Even for me it took a lot of courage to ring or to even message on here. So I can understand his fears of actually admitting to someone.. hence why I said I would help him make the phone call I.e together, offering support so he didn’t feel worried.

Once he gave me his bank card… but he screams and shouts I have to give it back to him.

I don’t smoke or do drugs, rarely I drink. But if it meant I had to give up drink to help him I would!

If you ever need support aswell from the other persons view I will try and help. Thank you so much so far for replies it means a lot

[danman83]

Can i ask how old is he? And do you have kids?

I can tell your really trying.. but it seems to have took over his life. Your going to get nowere if he isnt willing to put 100 % into quitting. He will lapse. But its apart of recovery.

If i spend 60 quid on it. Im thinking all the next day about i could of bought my kids some clothes and i feel so guilty. Even tho my kids have everything. I just feel guilty.

Maybe tell him the money he is wasting why dont you save for a cruise or something. Something different and good to look.foward to..

And thanks for the help.

[upwardspiral]

Early 30s, I did touch on the money wasting side of things. I said we could of saved a deposit for something… it’s I know I’m sorry. No children involved.

Danman83 what are realistic goals? I am not so sure..If I said let’s tackle this tomorrow and that’s it is that unreasonable? We have done let’s start in two weeks time etc, it always end flat..

He seems to be so money orientated, he isn’t happy unless he has money… he mentioned about needing money… but as I have said to him you need a healthier mind. I can’t see him making good decisions when his head is not in the right place?

I did again bring up about the doctors the other day, he said to me no you can just help me. I said no you can’t rely on me to fix this, I am broken as it is myself. He replied no you are fine I said no I am not. We didn’t argue it was a calm convo.

[hox]

UpwardSpiral you need to take care of yourself. It is hard when you love your oh and only want to help. Problem is they really don’t think it is a problem. It is a problem for us not them. He needs to want help himself. No amount of talking, arguing or reasoning will make any difference whats so ever. You are wasting your time and effort.

They are never in the right place when snorting cocaine. Bad decisions with work and money something they would never have done before the dreaded stuff behind abused.

Probably take a step back, look after yourself a bit more and see what happens. Don’t give him money to enable him. It is his choice to take it at the end of the day and his choice to stop it.

I may sound harsh but I really don’t want it to come over that way. I only want the best for you both without cocaine ruining your lives.

[hox]

Daman really does deserve someone to support him. We only wish our husbands and boyfriends wanted the help like he does. He is a rarity though. We are always here to support him virtually but its not the same as anyone being there in body like a very close friend or gf.

[danman83]

Thank you hox.. how is it all going with your ex/partner.. is he still the same? Thanks for being helpful.:)

[hox]

‘Husband’ is still n prison, he was on remand and was sentenced to over four years on friday. He got a lesser sentence because of good character, own business and ‘married but a sensitive issue’. This is the only thing that has stopped his drinking and sniffing. How can I say this, that he’s in a better place. You know the history. But financially he’s left me in a mess.

[upwardspiral]

Thanks Hox, I need to hear the truth. But it suddenly dawned on me I am not getting any younger would I be happy with the same situation in a years time? The answer is no. Its now I am feeling it, its taking a toll on me. I am finding it hard putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine. I am thinking about it non stop. Its the unpredictable behaviour from sort of being happy to obnoxious vile person, its making me feel sick. I thought that sort of stuff happens when you are younger! I knew things were going to be tough but I never knew it was ever going to get as bad as this. He has had the perfect childhood, had whatever he wanted. I would of dreamed to have what he has had as a kid.

But when you are being told that I am not supportive enough or I am the reason he is in that position I am believing it. I always try and remember the good in what he has done, but he rarely credits me for helping him. When its more remembering the negatives because there has been no positives lately its really hard…..

Before when we have been out for a meal in the evening (been a long time since we have) , its rush rush because he thinks everyone is looking at him… but I have assured him no one is.

I can’t believe what a full blown problem it is in the UK, I know some people have that attitude why help someone when they brought it on themselves. If someone has had some bad luck, it only takes one sniff one drink and it starts to break the mechanisms in their mind.

[hox]

It is awful when you are being told it’s your fault they are using and not being supportive enough. It is not your fault, you didn’t make him and you are there supporting him now. But don’t wait for any credit, just know that you are doing all you can.

Hiding the truth from folk and putting a smile on your face just makes you anxious. Treading on egg shells too wondering what abuse is going to come your way. It is the cocaine talking though, not the nice bf he was before.

You are right, just a bit of bad luck, start drinking more often then join in with your friends that take all the time. It is mind altering. Going from a loving, wonderful husband in my case to an absolute arsehole.

But it is everywhere. You can’t go out without it being shoved under your nose. No one chooses the shit life that comes after the recreational use of this drug because that’s what it is seen as, recreational and is not addictive. If only they knew the consequences of some of our lives afterward.

[danman83]

In realsitic goals i mean as in.. if hes lapsing each week.. for 2 weeks on a calender on each day he needs to write a task he can do to focus on and that be his goal in stead of coke. Say gym 5 days aweek. Walk the dog each day, decorate, save x amount of money to take you somewere nice for standing by him.. any thing really thats going to keep him occupied. Or read a book. Ive took up reading and i never ever read books lol.

He needs to not plan too far ahead. When he wakes up he needs to say to him self. He just needs to stay soba/clean for today and thats it.. just baby steps.

Did you not see it on sky news the other day? How the uk has a big cocaine addiction problem. The numbers were frightning.. but i can go in any pub and everyone is doing it! You would be suprised who is..

My sons friends who have just left school all sell it on snapchat! Pictures of coke and how much.. its crazy! But he doesnt really hang around with them?

[danman83]

Dont take this the wrong way plz.. but are you sure you really want to be with him as you have no ties.. and the abuse hes given you. Im no saint and i cant say nothing. But if its making you ill and upset and the amount hes spending. You could do better.

[danman83]

Bloody hell.. what did he do? Its ok if you cant say.. hows the kids took it?

Your right least he might totally stop now. But u know what them places are like for drugs. Hopefully he keeps his head down.and i bet he only does a year.

[hox]

Got in with the wrong crowd I’m afraid, drug wise. I’m lucky in a way we have no kids. I am a bit worried as you say you can get anything inside, there are so many corrupt folk in responsible positions. My eyes have been opened wide.

[upwardspiral]

Gee Hox sounds like you really are having a rough ride 🙁 We live in a small town just funny that I know what some people are up to, but they don’t know that I know.

I guess their occasional use of it it’s not a problem to them…. but my god if they knew the destruction that can possibly happen…

When I used to hear about drug dealers getting done, I didn’t really pay any attention. Now when I hear they have been punished I think good thank god, it might just spare one family of heartache. Shame addicts can’t see the lavish lifestyles they are giving to these dealers. There was one is the news recently he had the best designer clothes, top of the range car, 30k watch on his wrist and a place overseas… do you think he spares a thought of his potential actions? No.. does he care no.

So glad he has now lost everything and I hope he has a crap time behind bars.

I will again have to find the right moment and speak to him about things, getting a plan in place, or he tells me what he thinks will help him get out of this horrible hole.

Thanks to you guys replying and putting things into perspective. It really is helping out no end. Someone was trying to dig today to find out more about my situation… she doesn’t quite get it? She said well if they choose drugs they are choosing to die… I said it’s not as easy as that as it’s a disease, I got a frowned expression.

I was worried about branching out for help, specially after a couple of phone calls it was like a door being slammed in my face…

[hox]

Same in our village you can get it everywhere (cocaine in this instance) and In the next small town. When you go out most are using and don’t hide the fact. It’s the norm to them. Like you say they think I don’t know because I don’t use myself but my ‘husband’ has told me what his friends were up to (when he was in his once or twice max a year usage)

I would’t have understood before. Some friends of mine would’t I’m sure if they knew. But it does become like a disease not one that is caught or develops but one that is self inflicted through recreational use and to escape situations that life throws at us. Sometimes folk need an in-depth explanation because knowledge is good, it can happen to anyone.

[thelostone]

Hi Again Upward!

My God, I’ve just read your story. I feel so so sorry for you. You know my tale (partner on crack)… but even I can say he doesn’t give me the level of abuse or heartache you seem to be sufferingh. (we don’t live together (luckily). I am hoping that in the short space of time I’ve learn stuff, I can pass the following words to you:

* You are not alone. There are thousands of us suffering because of the use of a loved one. You can always come on here.

* My support worker told me one thing: “You are trying to apply rationality to an irrational situation, to an irrational person.” (how many times have we been staggered at the reaction of the user, the nonsense they talk/things they do). I don’t try to even argue with him anymore, or make sense of the bullshit he talks. It’s all drug-driven, so let it go. Stop trying to reason with the mad man in the asylum. When he is using, cut off. Walk away. Refuse to engage. You are worth more than to have a ghost for a partner. Be calm and firm. You are in control of your emotions so don’t surrend them to other people. Do not engage with him if he is abusive, swears, deflects responsibility to you, or wants money. If he cannot respect himself, he won’t respect you.. but you can respect yourself. Start now. x

* I’ve had 6 days without contact now. My God, as you wrote … I feel I can breathe. I have calmness in my head. No drama, no heartache. No lies.. I have suffered anxiety and anger issues due to his use.. but it stops here for me. I’m worth more.

* Users can/will make you feel worthless. They will blame YOU for their use, their weaknesses, their situation. Repeat one mantra to yourself. “NOT MY JOURNEY” We don’t put the crap in their hands or drag them to the dens to buy it. You are a good person trying to help someone in the grip of drugs. You are worth something. Be kind, but be kind to yourself first. Because when they are using, they won’t be kind to you. They won’t give a sh*t about you.

* Be firm. set yourself boundaries. DON’T (please please) enable him by paying him out of trouble in any way. If he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his use, he will continue to do it. Start protecting yourself, your finances and your sanity. Please.

* Set your own goals. If you set joint goals, trust me, you will be let down. I have learned to expect only disappointment from my boyfriend and so far, he hasn’t let me down. Until your chap admits to himself he has a problem and gets help, it won’t start the road to recovery. You are not trained for this, and you cannot pull him out of it. My boyfriend has been telling me for over a year now I am enough for him to stop smoking crack.. and then he uses. Then he apologises. Then he uses again.. then I am his saviour. It won’t end until he gets help for himself and admits his addiction.

Don’t lose your own sanity. Don’t lose your sense of self, and self worth. You can and will find the strength you need… and if you struggle, come talk to us. x

[danman83]

Hox im sure im getting you mixed up with some one else on here lol are you the one who sings? And did music with your hubby? Or is that some one else? Its because everyone has nicknames and i get lost lol

[hox]

Definitely someone else. We are both tone deaf lol. That’s made me smile.

[danman83]

Haha i honestly thought it was you. Nevermind lol

[georgia26]

take a step back and look after yourself, honestly, there is absolutely nothing you can do. You must not ask yourself if youve done enough, youve done plenty considering the way hes been acting.

Were all in a similar situation – when they are on coke they are so awful, it takes away their emotional part, its so horrendous.

unless he wants to stop and give up and REALLY wants to get help, go into rehab etc, it will only get worse and youll get dragged down with him.

If he isnt wanting it and doing nothing, honestly, walk away.. that comes before anything, believe me – nothing you say or do will stop him, the pull is too much.

honestly i have done this ive threatened to leave. ive even left and packed my stuff, nothing at all makes them stop while they are mid addiction.

reading your posts, he doesnt want to stop, deep down he doesnt. Him saying you can help me etc its all just avoid tactics, honestly, been there..

he will need to hit ROCK BOTTOM honestly, as bad as it sounds, this will go on and on until something serious happens and he might wake up he might not, my other half did.. he was suicidal, went missing for days and got found passed out somewhere.. that was turning point for him, even then they relapse

there is no magical cure – they can only help themselves. Thankfully no kids are involved, DO NOT give him money honestly.

i would suggest going onto google and reading through addiction info , they give good advice on how to deal with loving an addict..

its so sad but honestly, the best thing you can do is be realistic and prepare yourself as it wont get better if he dont get help.

you will make yourself ill – i did, i was blaming myself, going over and over things in my head, wondering where it all went wrong.

you need to take care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxx take some time out, go for walks, go to the gym, remove yourself from this exhausting situation – we all know how you feel so do come on and chat if you need to xxxxxxxxxxxx

[rani123]

Omg I crnt believe what I am reading. Exactly what I’m going through maybe worse than you . My husband is a cocaine addict and drinks alcohol and smokes weed and takes viagras for errection. We have been trying for a baby two years now we both are in our 30’s . We have no children together but I have two kids from previous relationship . I have done everything in power for him to stop all this but some how all the blame will come back on me . He even tried to get me hooked on it. I have never in my life had alcohol or taken cocaine but he wanted me too see for myself why it’s soo difficult for him to stop .

He won’t admit he has a drug problem because every 3 days the most he will rattle for cocaine and he thinks that’s not an addiction it’s Just normal . He is very abusive when he crnt get his addiction, he will demand money from me even pawn in valuable items to get the money . Iv suffered emotion mental physical financial abuse . Seen it all the lies the secrets the guilt trips the manipulation the lot . Finally I have told him on your bike because I crnt take it no more ..

[upwardspiral]

scary when you start to read things etc its like a mirror. More and more people, friends and his family are finding out, I can’t protect or hide it now. An incident occurred the other day, what should of been a nice chilled out day for us just descended into major chaos. I think it was because he didn’t want to do it? So it was like he was trying to find the smallest thing for me to slip up so he could take his frustration out on me. Literally it was just advising him to watch out for something, and it was a full blown verbal attack. Going at high speed in a car and it was frightening, I got in such a state it felt like my mind kicked into some kind of adrenaline mode,It was the most awful feeling I have ever had. No one has ever reduced me to something like that. After we got back home, he was telling me I just needed to calm down, he dropped me off and he went off.

I was a wreck, uncontrollable crying. Again why have I been made to feel the bad person, why have I again tipped him over the edge

I have not been able to eat properly since it has happened, I feel my emotions are completely shut off and people are worrying over me. I feel guilty for talking about the situation but some people found out…. I am worrying and feeling guilty for opening up.

I did have a chat about the situation and it was almost I wasn’t being listened to? so frustrating. I can see why some people go out to the shops and never come back again……

[upwardspiral]

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[bays]

This sounds very harsh. But you need to leave him. You have done all you can. He won’t change unless he wants to.

Someone said those exact words to me 68 days ago and I was still in turmoil and didn’t know what to do.

Instead days after this guy said that I paid for him to have private rehab.

One week in and we separated- he blamed me for his cocaine use. He even admitted he did it on our wedding day 7 years ago, still blaming me.

Saying I was a nag, trying to control his drink. I didn’t even know he was taking cocaine until this year. He has been doing it for the past 11 years and only this year he became addicted to it taking £500 per day. He even tried to commit suicide a few times.

There were times when I would drive around at midnight looking for him. I reported him as a missing person twice. I tried to get him sectioned. Nothing worked and it went on for 5 months.

I questioned whether it really was me and was I that bad to live with?

I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and now I’m on anxiety tablets full time because my panic attacks were getting out of control.

Now he is a very small part of my life. He got out of rehab. Told me he wasn’t paying me a penny back of the £10,000

He took my car

He now refuses to pay child maintenance and half the bills.

He rarely asks about our 9 year child

He stays in different hotels each week and plays golf whenever he feels like it.

He definitely got a whole new life and I’m left picking up the broken heart of our son, caring for two dogs, the terrible mess he left our house in when he was trying to renovate it whilst he was high (he is a builder)

He has therapy four times a week including NA AA, counselling and aftercare from his private rehab centre, and me and our son, nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he isn’t dead and I think he isn’t using anymore,

But it shows who or what they can become.

If I could re-do it all again – I would

Have packed my bags the day he told me and I would never have had any contact with him ever again.

I wish you the beat of luck

But please put yourself first

He clearly has no intentions of changing

[Author]

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