[nikkic]

Hi, first time poster, have read a lot of your stories and I can relate to so many. I just need you to hold my hand. Boyfriend of 5 years is a cocaine addict. I’ve just ended things between us as I can’t take anymore.

When I met him , 5 years ago I had no idea he had a problem. Was a rocky relationship, he’d often not show up, very argumentative, I had to walk on egg shells around him at times. I thought the big problem was his friends, not many worked , werent in relationships, and seemed the bad influence.

When he was with me and my 2 children, he would , mostly, be kind, funny, loving, I just loved him and so did my kids.

Last September he went missing for 3 days, I was worried sick. He eventually showed and phoned me in tears saying he had to tell me the truth and that he needed help. That evening he hit me with the bombshell , he had a cocaine addiction. I was numb but promised to support him through his recovery . In a way, at this point, I thought ok well at least I know the problem now and can help you.

This last 13 months have been so hard. At first he said he didn’t need to go to any therapy as he was strong enough to do it mentally and by watching self help videos. Within weeks he was going missing again. But I stayed with him. Roll onto February, it was his 40th and he’d been ok for 6 ish weeks as far as I’m aware, then twice in 1 week he relapses. I couldn’t take anymore so he moved out. His family blamed me , none of them knew and his friends, well they hate me as the are drug users too.

I lasted about 5 weeks without him, I missed him so much, I’ve literally never loved anyone like him, so I messaged him , within a week he had moved back in, with boundaries this time, therapy and no seeing the friends, he agreed.

I’ve lived with that fear, that gut wrenching anxiety fear that you can’t escape, but to be fair he was amazing for the first 11 weeks. He got drunk at weekends , quite heavily actually. But didn’t leave or go missing ,just felt shit the next day.

He relapsed 26th September. I knew it was coming. I could feel it. He’d started mentioning the friends again, drinking a lot more at weekends , you just know. Distant, on phone more, just not with you if that makes sense. He was gone all weekend. Messaged late Sunday begging me not to finish things, told me how much he loves me , said he knew it was a mistake and he didn’t want it to set us back. I felt broken, but told him to come home.

Tuesday just gone, I get a text from him saying he was at this friends and he’d be 30 mins ish. This friend was one he had told me he used to take coke with. I knew straight away he wasn’t coming home. I messaged pleading with him to come home and that this wasn’t a good idea, he replied saying now leaving . He didn’t.

My eldest came to me as heard me crying and said mum has he gone again then my youngest came through , hugged me tightly and said mum I hate seeing you cry , he’s not worth it. I just sunk. For me, for them. Why.

I heard from him Wednesday. He knew it was over as in September I said I can mentally on,y do this once more and I have to stick with that. He slept on the streets Wednesday and Thursday night. No one would take him in. He had told his parents back in March by this point as I said I would never take the blame for his addiction again, they wouldn’t take him in either.

He picked up all his belongings last night, got a lift from his oldest friend , also a drug taker, and he’s now moved into his flat with him.

We have messaged this morning, I can’t quite block him.

I feel like I’ve thrown him to the lions. He had/has way more chance of getting off it here with me than there . But I know I can’t keep going through that emptying feeling and neither can my kids. Never again. I’ve told him he has to fight this on his own, I’m here as a friend , but ultimately I can’t be so involved as it’s changed me. And I need me again, my kids need mum again. That’s so much more to say but I’m crying to much. I know I’ve rambled on. I’m just stuck. Scared for him. Scared for me . I’m just empty. But I can’t take more lies or disrespect. What do I do. Am I right staying in contact or do I find strength for somewhere and run for my life. Will he actually ever stop taking . Am I holding onto false hope. I’m just so sad .

[jem]

I really feel for you, but honestly, stay strong for your children and don’t give way. Maybe at some point he’ll get clean but you cannot gamble your family’s happiness on that. I hope you can move on and find someone that makes you happy.

[nikkic]

Thank you for replying. Yes you are right. I shouldn’t wait for him to make the decisions he needs too. It’s so much calmer/ peaceful at home without him. That says a lot. I wish I had the money to put him in rehab , but I don’t. It’s such a waste of a good person. Cocaine is life destroying. Not just for the user either. I know in time I will stop thinking of him so much but at the moment he’s in my thoughts constantly. X

[danman83]

Hiya nikki, I hope your OK,

I’m over a month clean now from coke and I’ve been using for 12 year. I used once every few week, or just weekends or sometimes once a month. Your still an addict BTW if you use once a month.

I’ve tried everything to quit, hypnosis, councilling, self help vids ect.. But after a bad relapse on boxing day I finally joined cocaine anonymous, I got a sponsor and worked the steps and I got my best clean time of 4 months, then 3 months, a few little blips and now I’m on just over a month.

My gf kicked me out in May, and now I’ve just got a new flat, I said summat nasty things off my head and I deserved it. I hate what it has done to me. I hate the stuff. It’s like a devil on your shoulder telling u that you will be OK.,, just one bag, have it quik then go home. Which you know is not the case.

For your ex to quit this is my opinion and most, he needs to admit he has a problem and want the help. Get to a CA meeting either in person or online on zoom and get a sponsor. And work the steps. People think it’s all about god and its not its any higher power we want. Mines mother nature and god, a bit like law of attraction.

I pray every morning and night. I meditate each day. You have to lead an honest life, things like no lying even little ones, no dropping litter, be kind, be nice and loving. If you do these things I can honestly say your life gets better and good things start coming your way.

Also in ca we take each others numbers and you ring people each day just to talk. It’s scary at 1st but I’ve made so many good friends.

Also the main thing is he needs a new way of life, this is a must, he can’t drink alcohol no matter what, this is a main trigger for coke and classed as a relapse weather he is an alcoholic or not, no other drugs if any kind. He needs cut every one off who uses! If his mum used cut her off! That’s how much it matters. Get a new phone number.

Avoid all triggers, pubs, bbqs, party’s, places of use, places were picked drugs up. But most of all he needs to want this for himself.

The biggest side effect of coke is the comedown when it’s wearing off, that’s why he was crying to you admitting everything he had run out and hit his rock bottom. This causes suicide and depression for days. I’ve known about 5 close people who have committed suicide from coke. It uses all your dopamine up in your brain and you hit a bit state of depression.

My suggestion is if he wants to stop, ask his mum can he go back if he goes to CA Each day on zoom or face to face meetings, and prove that he is working the programme and not go out ect.. Because at his mates he will get worse

Also this is not your fault 1 bit. We do it to ourselves, but what you learn in CA from the alcoholics annoymous book, is that certain people have allergys to coke and beer, we’re say you can have 1 drink and go home it effect other people different. Some doctors have said its from child hood trauma ect..

But you have done the right thing, he needs to do it for himself now, like me I’m on my own in my new 2 bed flat, and I’m scared ill use but if I keep working the programme I’ll be OK. You need to go out with friends and think of you. There’s no harm in checking on him ect. If he gives you abuse and blames you. I wouldn’t bother speaking to him. But thats up to. Ive got as much as I can in for now. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything

[helptoheal]

Danman83

Can I please talk to you directly how do i do this? I have seen a few of your posts. I am desperate ALOT of what you have said is exactly like my situation. My husband has been cheating with escorts and I am really hurt I need some guidance and help understanding his addiction.

Thank you ???? Skye

[westy081]

Hey hope ur ok my partner of 30 years is an addict an was cheating on me with an escort girl for 5 months , he’s still with her so I’m guessing she’s taking Coke as well , it’s like we never existed in his life he has no contact with any of us , it’s so hard especially when u love someone so much but drugs r coming first !

[nikkic]

I’m so glad YOU replied. Because getting advice from a person ina similar situation to him is helpful and meaningful. I’ve told him, begged him to get more help than he’s getting. He is though starting zoom meetings again this week. But when i mention a sponsor he says he doesn’t need one he just has to stay focused as he knows he doesnt want that life. But that hasn’t worked for 5 years. He started taking drugs at age 14. He’s now 40. I didn’t know any of this until I was emotionally invested in him and our future. What a naive idiot hey . I still see the biggest problem as his friends as they all take . But he calls them brothers and his family and if he needs to work on him being strong not removing them from his life. Also hasn’t worked so far for him. I know I’ve done the right thing for me and my children but it’s not right for him as , as I put in a previous post , I feel like I’ve thrown him to the lions. His parents won’t take him back. They are elderly, and one has heart problems and other dementia. They can’t handle the stress and worry but I do agree he would be best at theirs. Until he cuts all ties with old friends and gets own place I will be a distanced supportive friend. However hard that is. Thank you for replying. And well done for keeping going, you deserve a peaceful happy life as you are worth it X

[danman83]

He defo needs a sponsor, I had to drop mine last week because he relapsed after 250 days, and you know what the 1st thing I thought was.. I could go in another town for a night out and just have a drink and not coke. You need a sponsor to ring each today, if you have any problems like using ect.. And it really does work.

He says his mates are his brothers but they won’t be there when he’s 70 year old and ill. It does my head in when people call each other bro.

I’ve literally cut all my mates off and I still struggle. But it’s about limiting every which way possible to get coke.

You have not thrown him to the lions at all don’t beat your self up.

My ex kicked me out in May, I had 2 kids ect.. I could of gone my mums instead in went in to a shared accom. In a room room, shared bathroom n kitchen. I hated it. I think I used 2 or 3 times while in it in 6 month. Which the old me. Would of been on it each weekend being single. I felt like I deserved to be there and it was for me to get my self out. I’ve just got a 2 bed flat now and I’ve done my front room and bedroom up and it’s nice. So this is my goal to do the rest up now.

I needed this wake up call and so does he. He will genuinely just carry on the same at yours.

And thanks for that x

[lilgunner]

Dan, just reading this thread and you have helped me so much in the last year! Bloody hell that’s how long I’ve been using this forum!

Dan, I love how open and honest you are. You’re aware of your triggers and avoid them at all costs.

Hope the new flat is treating you well and you’re enjoying your own space.

NikkiC as hard as it is and your emotions are all over the place, you need to protect yourself.

Before my friend finally realised he needed rehab I was very cold towards him in the last several months. I had no interest in talking to him when he was high and I feel so much guilt myself as I would become verbally aggressive and call him a junkie and all the rest of it. I’m not proud of my reactions, but in all honesty I have never been in that position, loving someone and feeling as though I wasn’t enough to make him stop. Thing is, they have to want to do it for themselves, and from my experience don’t interact with him when he’s on drugs. If you know he’s not using or run out of drugs be kind with your words, but set clear boundaries.

[danman83]

Hey, good to hear from you, thank you for that, hope your doing well. Flats going great. Just started on the kids bedroom yesturday. Really enjoying decorating. Thank you

[nikkic]

Thank you for replying. It’s such a wave of emotions. It’s like my head is an emotional washing machine with fear, anxiety, hate, sadness, going round and round. I’m trying to message back when he does, but that causes me hate and comfort all mixed together. Doesn’t help that I didn’t hear from him all weekend then my eldest had a complete meltdown last night. It’s exhausting. I know I need to actually cut him off. Like what else does he actually have to do to me before I do that ? I’m mad at myself for still holding onto hope. Helps venting on here though. And am always grateful for replies.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Nikki,

So sorry to hear about your partner and how his drug habit is affecting you and your family. I’m glad you are finding this forum helpful but if you would like some other help please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people going through what you are dealing with -addiction in the family. One of our trained and experienced Family Friends would talk with you and let you know what other support there is available for yourself as well as your partner.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[thistim3]

Hi NikkiC: NarAnon helped me SO much when my husband finally told me that he was using cocaine all those years ago. I don’t know how I could have gotten through the years after without this group. So scary to learn that someone you love so much is addicted. He quit pretty much all on his own, but he’s never really been the same. Recently he has been suffering from paranoia – panic attacks. He has begun seeing a therapist, which hasn’t happened since he quit using more than 3 decades ago. These last few years we started talking about this time of our lives and he shared many things that I didn’t know before. I think this stirred it all up in him and he seems to be traumatized by his behavior during those years. I’ll never know everything, but the look on his face when he talks and/or is thinking about this is a look of horror and deep sadness.

[Author]

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