[trainer28]

I am on holiday with my husband who is in recovery. He is prescribed methadone and has pregabalin for pain. He also gave up alcohol last year as part of ‘getting clean’ and has done really well. We are on holiday with his family and our children and he is struggling. He really wants to drink. His family don’t understand he gravity of all this.

I’m scared and anxious because I know how dangerous it could be but if I mention anything he is completely defensive.

[tinks]

What a horrible situation for you to be in I suggest you google some educational videos on line about drug addiction & rehabilitation & how it works for his family to watch so they finally get an understanding I hope you’re okay ????

[trainer28]

I could try that, thanks for your reply. It feels very lonely. I had a bit more of a response from his brother last night which is good, it opens up the chance for a conversation without feeling like I’m putting a downer of everyone’s holiday!

[lemonysnicket]

It is really difficult and not a good sign if he is defensive. Not drinking however has to be a fundamental plank of all round sobriety. Everyone around him has to be made to understand this. You can only do so much however, it really is up to him to come clean with his family and friends and explain that he cannot and must not drink.

If he can’t do that, then if I were you, I might be inclined to think about my own position and whether you can continue to support him in his recovery or whether you should leave. I say this from experience – my own husband refused to countenance the idea of not drinking alcohol until recently, by which time the damage to our relationship was more or less done.

Good luck and I hope your holiday is restful and enjoyable.

[trainer28]

Thank you for your advice, I’m sorry to hear about your relationship, are you still with your husband?

There has definitely been damage done to ours over the last few years and I have wanted to leave but he’s made massive changes over the last 6 months so I’m holding on for a bit longer.

He has done what you said with his friends, they all know that he drinks coffee or juice when they meet up so that’s really helped him keep a bit of a social life but even though his family know he doesn’t drink, they’re not the type to discuss things openly, everything is always such a secret which makes this harder for him.

I’m trying to keep him busy and we’re drinking a lot of hot drinks! Fingers crossed it will be ok, it has been easier today.

Thanks again for your honest advice

[lemonysnicket]

Hi again Trainer28 I’ve had a rough few years. My husband had been using on and off without me knowing (Cocaine in his case). I can’t say how much – he had originally confessed in 2013 but wouldn’t let me tell family, wouldn’t give up drinking, wouldn’t let me take control of his money. I should have left then. But he had a quiet few years or so I thought, until relapsing in 2017. Since then he has had a good 12-18 months, not drinking and going to meetings and he has been focused on recovery better than ever before, but he’s hidden massive debts which have recently come to light and I can’t carry on, I’ve got to protect myself and my children. I just can’t trust him.

In hindsight, there needs to be total surrender. The addict needs to be on their knees begging for help. They properly need to be at rock bottom before change is possible. If there’s any suspicion that they are not, then walk. I wish I had known how bad things could get at the start of the journey I’ve been on.

[trainer28]

The thing is my husband did give up drinking without being told to, he just decided it would be for the best because he had started a drug treatment. We were at the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and he knew he was the worst he’d ever been.

He pulled it back and attends meetings and seems to want to carry on. It’s the replacement therapy he’s on plus the painkiller for his back which sometimes make him appear high which is hard to handle, it’s painful seeing him like that but he doesn’t understand that.

I hope things are better for you now and in the future, it really is an awful position that he’s put you in and I can empathise with the pain, frustration and sadness that comes with it .

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