[lost83]

I’ve never really posted on anything like this so here goes. I’m a mental health nurse so I do deal with drug users in a professional manner a lot but when it’s personal it’s different.

I first met my partner back in 1999 as teenagers, we dated for a bit, he went to prison and honestly I was a bit shitty and left him while he was in there. In my defence I was 15 and could see the path he was going down. Fast forward 21 years and we re connect. He told me he got clean and a job and things were going well. We started dating and the spark was still there. Then after a few months everything went wrong. He started stealing off me for crack money, cheating on me, disappearing for days, ringing me up telling me he was going to kill him self on his come downs and I found out he was using again. I found out all the bad things he’s done to his ex partners while on drugs and he landed himself in prison again. 6 months later he clean and like a different person with a thousand sorts and how it’s gunna be different. This man has children, past long term relationships and he’s never changed. His relies date is in less than two months and do I believe him and give him another chance? He’s always been in relationships with other drug user and I’m not but I still have the doubt of why am I any different to change for? Cause he’s said he’s changing for himself loads of times and he’s not not even for his kids. Over 20 years of crack abuse what do I do? Stand by him or am I being nieve?

[ronnieboyne]

Hi! I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through – being the partner of a drug addict is nothing short of hell on earth.

My honest advice to you from my own experience, is to run away from this man and never look back. I do believe, like many addicts that at the time he promised you he was going to change, he probably meant it. Sadly, the pull of the drug (I have heard that crack is probably one of the hardest to resist) will always come before you – the end result being that you will feel utterly used and second best to crack. I say this because my ex boyfriend of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic but the two go hand in hand along with any other drug including grass. He also stole from me and many times used the excuse that he took the money so he could buy enough gear to kill himself. He also cheated on me but that apparently was just a mistake and was my fault because I had kicked him out of my home.

As brutal as this sounds, for the most part addicts are narcissists devoid of any empathy towards the people who love and care for them. In fact, it is their loved ones that they abuse the most and whilst they are in active addiction, your feelings and mental health are of no concern to them whatsoever. Yes, you will see times when they appear to be remorseful and desperate to change but their actions never reflect their words. It is like being on a merry go round ride and if you don’t jump off you will ultimately be dragged down by the chaos. I was a happy person before I met my ex and stupidly I was arrogant enough to believe that my love and support would make him want to stop for good. It is so hard because you see glimpses of hope when the person they were meant to be surfaces but that becomes more and more fleeting and no amount of suffering they see you going through will make them stop. The lies, selfishness and lack of respect suck out your very soul and make you feel so worthless and unappreciated. Then you have the gaslighting to contend with and if you’re not careful you will actually start believing that it is all your fault that he uses that filth.

Do you want to waste anymore time on someone who is showing you with his actions that he has no intention of changing? Do you want to worry about where you are going to put your purse every time he comes to your home or what state he will be in when you see him? He may have got clean in prison but was that through choice? When he gets out he wont have bars to stop him hooking up with his dealer so do you want to take the risk of jumping back on that ride? What are you getting from this relationship other than constant worry and suspicion? In my honest opinion, when the trust has gone so has your relationship and if you continue like I did, your sanity and self-worth too! It is very hard and painful to let go but you CANNOT change them however much you show your love and support.

If you genuinely believe he has changed and you’re prepared to give it another go then my advice would be to take it very slowly indeed. If he is serious about staying off crack then he will need to have lined up some sort of support as in meetings and counselling etc. Getting the drugs out of their system is apparently not the hardest part it’s the mental pull that is a battle that stays with them for the rest of their lives – do you want your mental health to suffer as a result of being in a battle YOU are powerless to win? You will be putting your happiness and future entirely in the hands of someone unpredictable, unreliable and untested as to his sincerity about change. Why do you think that he could change for you if he couldn’t even get clean for his children?

It is possible that he really wants to change but actions speak so much louder than words. If you believe he is being sincere then my suggestion would be to keep a distance from him when he gets out and see how he gets on. You matter and so does your happiness … take a step back and imagine the kind of life you will have if you take him back. I no longer speak to my ex and as much as I miss the beautiful person that would sometimes surface and make me want to keep trying I am slowly becoming me again. Be brave but mostly be honest with yourself x

[lost83]

When he first went to prison I missed him like mad but now I feel my life is so much calmer. I’ve even cut his mum off a month ago cause she’s an alcoholic that leaves me abusive voice mails. We spoke the other day and he said he wanted to find his own place when he got out cause he felt building a bond up with his kids is the most important thing. The prison are helping him get accommodation and work and he himself said he wanted to self ref to a drug support service. He’s even got himself on some course on drug addiction education to understand himself more and with the hope to do more courses and help others. Then last night I was sorting through his stuff looking for his ID and I found my dead dads old mobile phone that he must have stole from me before he went it. I just thought why am I doing this, he’s said and done all this before when in prison cause others have told me so what makes me any different.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m sorry to read your story and see what you are going through with your partner’s addiction.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. We offer support to families dealing with drug addiction so if you would like some help for yourself and maybe your partner please get in touch.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[ronnieboyne]

Hi again 🙂

You have answered your own question and I totally relate to how you feel. You do miss them dreadfully initially and wonder whether you have made the right decision. But as you rightly said, when they are no longer turning your life upside down with their lies and utterly selfish behaviour you can actually appreciate a new calm existence. You have the opportunity to really see the mess you have allowed yourself to be dragged into and I’m sure now you realise that you deserve so much more from a partner.

Let him sort his own life out now and luckily he has help from the prison services to try and turn his life around. Funnily enough, I too cut my ex boyfriend’s mother out of my life whilst I was still with him. She knew some of the terrible things he was doing to me including kicking my front door in but would never address his appalling behaviour unless it affected her directly. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so well done you for cutting off a toxic mother who could only make your life even harder with her son.

Keep being strong – life is short so don’t waste anymore time with someone who even now in prison is thinking entirely about his future and not yours with him. It’s always me me me with addicts and they always play the victim in my experience. Deep down we always know when we are fighting a losing battle and he is not making you happy is he? This separation is giving you the chance to heal so my advice would be to not let him re-open your wounds.

I really hope that things work out for you whatever it is you decide to do x

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