[cyninak]

Tonight my daughter who is 25 assaulted me and she was arrested.

She has been a meth addict for, she says two years, I say six.

The last time she lived with me she was 19. All the signs were there. Gone for days at a time, sleeping it off for days when she did make it home. She was irritable, irrational, and unable to cope with any emotion, frustration or boundaries. I gave her an ultimatum. Either go to school or get a job, these are the house rules. She contacted her father in Washington and he sent her a ticket. In less than four days she was texting me about coming home. I said no. For all the obvious reasons.

A week later, having talked a guy into buying her a plane tix, she shows up at my door.

We talked about her plans. Everything she said she had in place, like a place to live had fallen through. Long story short, I told her that she couldn’t stay with me. And I took her to the person’s house that had bought her ticket and dropped her off. I truly believed with all my heart at that time, it would be a wake up call. My daughter has been homeless since then.

The times that she has had a place to live is only because a very bad person is exploiting her. I am sure my daughter has had people abuse her in every way imaginable.

I have taken her in after she was assaulted many times over the last two years.

Two years ago she was setup by the DEA on a drug buy. Apparently, they only wanted her to continue drug dealing, only for them. Even the experience of being surrounded in Wal-Mart parking lot by 5 black SUV’s, plucked from your vehicle, slammed into the asphalt while in possession of an ounce of meth still wasn’t enough.

If course, her father and I were having none of it being very concerned about her safety, and she was scared enough to listen and told them no. But mostly, only because if this bizzare street code she lives by. They have yet to charge her.

Six months prior to this, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was still in treatment. I was given a lot of time off from work. Mostly, unpaid, and some donated by one of the partners of the firm.

It created resentment from their long-term employee of 35 years. Mostly, because I was unable to do both of our jobs. She has a very progressive leave package and she was unable to use it during my illness. Cutting to the chase – though I am very private person they did become aware of my daughter’s legal issue. Needless to say I no longer have that job. One year later I am still unemployed. It had become a very unhealthy, hostile environment for me and I was flat out of coping skills.

Two months ago, the guy my daughter had been staying with on and off since her return from her dad’s, assaulted her again. Circumstances were in my favor this time, daughter had signed into the ER but left without being seen and I was able to call the police for a safety check and by God’s grace knew where she was staying at that moment. He was arrested and charged with felony assault. My daughter would not cooperate and the charges were eventually dropped.

The nightmare is forever etched on the back of my eyelids. I absolutely would rather do anything other than close my eyes.

The drugs have taken my beautiful girl and ravaged her mind, body and soul. She has very little hair. Her face is scarred and always weeping with infection. She has very bizarre behavior. I have attempted to talk with her about making changes, about rehab. She is very defensive. And not long into any conversation I just stop because there is the realization that she is incapable of rational thought or judgement.

And because I knew if I pushed too hard she was capable of assaulting me. The irony is that we didn’t argue over rehab. It was over absolutely nothing. A little misunderstanding.

I am numb. And angry. And done. But I know it won’t last. I don’t want hope anymore. I want my life back. But I can’t have it. Not ever again. No matter how hard I’ve tried I just can’t cut her off. It’s this raging rollercoaster. I am so broken, I cant stand being around people. I’ve completely isolated myself. I trust no one. I feel like I am abandoning her. I never knew I could be so patient, so quiet, so much waiting for some event that will finally be the catalyst for change.

Sometimes, I’ve thought, I’m ashamed to say, that it would be easier if she had died. Because she dies every minute, of every day for me, over and over and over again. It’s like being caught in the macabre horror story that just repeats over and over and over again.

What makes an addict seek sobriety? If not homlessness, hunger, cold, living in your car, cancer, jail, your hair, your face, sexual saftey, your family … then what?

Hope is dead … but no, I know it’s just hiding because I had my daughter arrested today.

But hope is killing me … literally 🙁

[cmxx]

Dear Cyninac,

It sounds like this very hard situation is taking a considerable toll on you. You should seek support for yourself. If you are in crisis or suicidal and need someone to talk to call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK.

Best wishes,

Clara

[icarus-trust]

Hi Cyninac,

I’m so sorry to read your heartbreaking post. What an awful time you are having. Please contact us at The Icarus Trust as we could offer you some support.

We are a charity that helps people who are having to deal with the impact of a family member’s addiction. If you get in touch you could talk with one of our experienced trained people. Talking with someone who understands how you are feeling might be a help. This is a free service.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you.

[georgia26]

praying for you… xxxxx

[Author]

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