[mikeyb]

I’ve never really fit in, I’ve always felt different, a drifter who floats from one temporary friend or group to the other, I’ve always struggled socially, nerves, low self esteem, no real confidence or self belief, I don’t truly know why, maybe it was my upbringing which of course was troubled or maybe I would have been like I am regardless, I have no memory, no organisational skills, and despite being what I myself judge to be good with the written word I struggle to express myself verbally in almost every social situation.

my inability to concentrate and organise myself properly has had a knock on effect throughout my entire life, I have struggled to keep jobs, friends, partners, contact with my own daughter, all of which just serves to keep my negative self image even more negative. Drugs gave me a new lease of life, they temporarily made me confident and chatty and they made me forget my flaws and struggle to find peace, so I fell in with crowds where drug use was the theme, we all loved and laughed and forgot together, fake friends of course and fake happiness which eventually became real sadness as after years of doing this on and off I at some point realised that I had become unable to live a life that didn’t involve drugs.

I realised that drugs had in fact taken years away where I could have possibly been finding my place in the world, they had taken people away they had taken a part of me away and I suddenly hated them. I found love and the drugs for a short time took a back seat, yet as time went on they always found a way back into my life, and the woman I had fallen in love with had no time for them, I betrayed her trust time and time again, relapsing when things were going so well, she stuck by my side, her love for me strong but I watched as I slowly pushed her away whilst hating myself for every relapse.

with her help and guidance I landed a great job with good pay and I also went to college to train as an electrician, she gave me two children who I loved dearly yet despite having every reason to stay away from drugs I still relapsed, letting them at times effect my job, my college, my relationship, I wanted desperately to be free from my addiction yet a part of me kept making the same mistake, by now the temporary confidence and happiness drugs once gave me had gone, i was getting high but feeling empty, feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, yet I still kept making the same mistake, how do i change when I’m too scatty to keep an appointment for councilling, how do i change when a part of me is so hell bent on destroying myself, so without morals, so selfish that it justifies betraying a women who loves me and sticks by my side, I want to love her back I want to see my children grow up, I want to find my place in the world, I want to feel at peace with myself. I so desperately want help before it’s too late, before I end up lonely without my amazing partner and family, before I end up dead.. I’m 34 i should have a long life ahead of me, I should be able to live without this addiction, I wish drugs didn’t exist, I wish I had never said yes, i wish I had listened when people said say no to drugs but that’s not cool at the time is it, it’s not fun, it’s not the social acceptance I longed for or the confidence I wanted, so I made a mistake, I said yes all those years ago and I’ve battled ever since, it’s easy to justify it by saying it’s ok I’m not a heroin addict or a crack head but cocaine is every bit as bad, all drugs are, and when they grip you they never truly let go, please if you’re reading this be confident enough and strong enough to say no, it will probably save your life, we get one life and life is for finding joy in beautiful people, beautiful places and amazing experiences , drugs make you feel good for a few nights but they make you feel empty and lost and full of regret for the rest of your life.. they take away your ability to feel joy or experience the beautiful moments in life, life’s a gift every moment should be treasured, not wasted away while you watch addiction take away your soul. If one person reads this and decides upon a life without drugs then fantastic, because they really aren’t worth it, they take away everything good and leave only bad xx

[danman83]

I couldnt of said it better pal. I wish i never touched coke. I relapsed after 2month last weekend. But im on the mend again now. My gf has stuck by me. But doesnt support me as much as i think she should. Ive had it in the house on my own, and the downers on this stuff is horrible. I never want touch the stuff again. But if i drink alcohol. Thats it for me. Im on the phone for it

[b8988]

Thank you so much for writing this, it is very touching. I’m the wife of a cocaine addict, I like your partner chose to stay with him and try and support him but it’s a long battle and I’m not sure he can win, if I’m honest, but I appreciate this post to educate others.

[louise1974]

That’s an amazing piece of writing and very true. Thanks for that I can think of many people who would benefit from reading that. Lou

[hox]

I’m the wife of a cocaine ‘user’

It helps me reading your explanations for using. I can fully understand why. I can then try and understand ‘husbands’ behaviour toward me and let him push me away totally.

Thanks for explaining about the enjoying life. Cocaine has taken away enjoyment in our lives he honestly doesn’t seem to understand the word now.

[debbie]

im the mother of a user what can i do to help i dont understand any thing about this i dont know what to do to help

[laura86]

I am alsothe wife of a cocaine addict. I have recently split up from my husband, because of Cocaine. Everything you have written about is nearly the same as my husband describes. My husband is currently on a 12 step programme and doing really, just got to his 30 day sobriety. Fingers crossed he continues on the same path. But I have to be realistic, I know he will relapse at some point. But I will deal with that, when or if it happens. Thank you for sharing this post. It will help a lot of people including myself.

[lou1321]

Hi Mikeyb, I read your post a few days ago and it is so powerful that it drew me back again today. I am the mother of a cocaine addict and he like yourself is a wonderful human being but the cocaine turns people into something they are not.

I feel very strongly that more should be done with our youth whilst they are at school to show them the negative effects this has. Have you ever thought about talking to youngsters? because your passion shines through this message.

I have the utmost respect for all of you that try to battle your addictions, no matter what they are. Be true and honest and love yourself for who you are, hopefully one day you will feel love and happiness again without it being artificially induced.

Take care xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Mikeyb

Thanks for sharing so powerfully how you feel about drugs.

I hope you have the support which you deserve.

Take care and good luck.

[alanc]

Hi Mikeyb

I’ve just read your post and I will admit I was emotionally moved. The description of your life and your characteristics are identical to my son. He is only 16 but is addicted to cannabis. From your feeling of social unacceptance to the betrayal of loved ones. This was a very powerful piece of writing and you deserve total respect for being so open. I only wish my son had your courage to face up to his mistakes and realise what he is doing to himself. I thought about making I’m read your post but he only cares about himself and feels he is doing nothing wrong so it would not resonate with him. Hopefully one day it will.

[dnanon]

Hi Mike, I found your words so true and honest. I really hope that you can get yourself into a programme of rehabilitation so that you can live the rest of your life drug free. I know it will be hard as you seemed to have been taking cocaine for a long time, but, it will really all be worth it. Read the posts from Danman as he has got a lot of useful advice. My son is 32 and cocaine has ruined his relationships with his partners, children and our family. It’s not too late for you to start saying No and change your life. I wish you all the best.

[mikeyb]

I’m far from perfect, I make far too many mistakes, I don’t look after myself, I’m massively overweight, and super unfit,

on top of that I’ve got an addiction that I have to fight almost every day, I’ve got insecurities and anxiety that makes everyday harder than it should be,

I’m smart enough to understand the selfish nature of my ridiculous obsession with my own weaknesses and minor problems and I’m fully aware that there are people in far, far worse situations than myself who are strong enough and have the self respect and love for life, to continue and do a far better job than I do at living and appreciating life properly,,

That creates an even lower opinion of myself in my own mind, it reinforces the negative thought patterns that have developed over the years, the lack of self worth I feel,,

I’ve abused my body, my mind, and my soul and I really feel like the damage has started to become real, I never believed that I would really suffer with mental health issues, anxiety or depression but the warnings were real, the threat was real and now the shitty life altering effects are very real, I can feel myself slipping towards the end one bad choice at a time, I had so much potential, I had the intelligence and ability to do so much better. Society needs to fight against the social decay that is drugs and alcohol, too many lives are being stolen.

[Author]

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