[blueskies]

Hello

I understand (and feel) every word that you have written as I am in exactly the same situation with my dad. He has been drinking for as long as I can remember. Red wine is also his poison of choice. Minimum two bottles a day. Sometimes he can hold it together but any slight setback in life and he downward spirals. This has been really bad now for over 20 years and I have tried everything but he won’t get help despite, at times, calling and pleading with me and I rush through but then he backtracks and starts to lie that he is eating and he is fine etc etc.

Lockdown has hit him really hard and he has basically become a recluse. As you did, I suggested meeting him on 22 July for a drink in a nice bar just to get him out of the house as I hadn’t seen him since March. He tried to back out at the last minute but I insisted as I was already on the train. He had aged terribly and clearly wasn’t taking care of himself. I tried to make conversation but then he just started crying and couldn’t stop. He said that this is not a life, it is an existence and he can’t see a future. I asked him to contact his gp but I know he won’t.

It is so painful watching someone basically drink themselves to death, a slow painful death, and be unable to do anything if they won’t agree to get help. I am sad and also so angry.

I’m so sorry that I can’t offer advice but just wanted to let you know that every word you wrote resonnated with me and I am sending you much love.

[regdavmab]

Hi both

Hope you’re doing ok.

My partner has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him. A functioning alcoholic but no one really said anything because it was ‘normal’ for him. I obviously enabled without even realising. It was just a regular part of his life. But an expensive part. And the drink turned into something to ‘chill him out’. Over a month ago he became extremely ill. His tolerance reduced to nothing which was shocking as usually you couldn’t even tell he’d had a drink. So to be honest it’s bizarre and strange how he’s all of a sudden become so unwell. Maybe it was just his body saying enough is enough. He couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t go to the toilet, had a fever, stomach pains, hand spasms, couldn’t speak and so on. I was terrified. Managed to force him to the hospital. They discharged him the next day and said to carry on drinking but decrease gradually and wait for the alcohol service to get in touch. Useless. A week later I swear he almost died and when I contacted the GP at my wits end he said actually he shouldn’t have been discharged and told to drink as he is high risk of liver failure. The stress was unbelievable, I don’t know how I’ve been coping. I had no choice but to get him into private rehab because in his poisoned delirious state he refused hospital again saying they wouldn’t help him and just send him away. If I hadn’t got him in (borrowed money) I don’t know if he’d have been here. He will be out next week and will have done two weeks. He is detoxed and sounds much better, he’s eating and walking around a lot, showering etc., which is the main thing. But I dropped some bits off two days ago and was horrified to discover his skin and eyes had turned completely yellow. I hid my shock and upset for his sake. I have been told repeatedly he’s in the best place as of course stopping drinking is the first step. Over the last year his drinking increased up to a litre of vodka a day. He’s only 41. He has an urgent liver scan when he gets out and I am sick with worry. I don’t know what that will reveal and I don’t want to. Please get in touch with your local alcohol service (GP referral). They may be able to provide an inpatient detox where it is taken out of your hands and they also help with safe decreasing. My partner unfortunately only got help when he was at death’s door and like I said who knows what the outcome will be of the scan. He may not have got any help if I hadn’t have found the money which doesn’t bear thinking about. I’ve already tried to get some things in place for afterwards like an AA sponsor, alcohol service appointment where they will provide craving meds, obviously the scan (over a month wait even for urgent ones but we luckily got a cancellation), and a general GP appointment. I’m also going to contact the local carers service as the worry I’m experiencing is overwhelming, I can’t sleep or eat. Please know you aren’t alone. There is comfort and advice out there. If you let me know your area I’d be happy to source some info for you. This is all new to me as well. It isn’t acceptable for us to just be ok with it and put up with the anguish and worry and heartache. Now when I look back I realise before this happened it wasn’t alright, there were things in our relationship and his life that were being affected by alcohol. I understand how you must feel when the GP say they can’t help if the person isn’t willing. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. No matter what I said to my partner about how he urgently needed care he said no one would help and I just had to watch him fading away. When I explained what rehab would do he agreed but who can afford private rehab! It’s going to take me a long time to pay the money back. I obviously know that this is just the start, rehab is the easy part. Please keep reaching out, it does help.

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