[kaybp]

My Dad has a problem with drinking which is having a major affect on his body and we need help trying to reduce his alcohol intake.

He has been a drinker for as long as I’ve known him (4 years, he’s not my real dad, we are very good friends and I see him as my adopted dad).

He already has medical problems – had a stroke before I met him, is classed as blind as vision is so poor, on a range of medication.

His wife left him last year, while they were together and after she left he would meet friends most days in the pub for a few hours. He then broke his ankle badly before Christmas so couldn’t get out to meet them so much, then having lockdown he has been even more isolated (just me or his real daughter – who I class as my sister – popping round each day). He is definitely feeling lonely and possibly depressed.

At home he drinks 2 bottles of red wine a day plus a glass or two of whiskey. He doesn’t drink water or squash (he doesn’t like them).

He has lost 6 stone and is very thin now. He’s been collapsing at home, really low blood pressure, being sick, loss of memory, and more which GP has been looking into the cause but lockdown has meant its taken longer.

He’s not been eating, he was having 1 meal at day in the evening but we have found that he was actually going 4 or 5 days without eating (this was even with us buying him ready meals that he just needed to put in microwave).

On 19th July I met up with him and took him to the pub as he was desperate to see friends and I thought it would give his low mood a lift. Whilst there he was not right, very lethargic and even laying down on the sofa in the pub. I called my hubby to pick us up and we rushed him to hospital. On the way there he slumped over, stopped breathing. Hubby had to hit his chest very hard to restart heart and breathing. Dad doesn’t remember any of this.

At hospital they carried out thorough tests. They were unable to find anything MEDICALLY wrong and said that day plus issues he’s been having at home are down to alcohol.

Myself and my sister have been trying to get him to reduce alcohol and eat every day but no matter what we do it’s not working and we don’t know what more to do.

He agreed that he would eat every day and would go down to 1 bottle of wine and 1 bottle of low alcohol wine and also have at least 1 pint of squash (No whiskey).

The low alcohol wines we’ve tried are far too sweet, and he says make him sick.

So we’ve agreed to him having 1 bottle of wine and 1 small bottle of wine.

We have also been giving him a Complan drink each day which he is meant to have as well as a meal at night.

My sister went round yesterday and got him a meal out to put in the microwave. He told her he had eaten it.

When I went round today it was still in the fridge. I asked him why he hadn’t eaten it and he said he thought he had. He asked me not to tell sister but I obviously had to. She has told me he hasn’t eaten for a week, she’s been sorting food out for him to warm up, he tells her he’s eaten it then the next day one of us find it’s untouched.

We are really worried and don’t know what else we can do to help him. He says he wants to be around for us both and to see his grandchildren (mine and his daughters children) grow up. He agrees to reduce alcohol intake and eat every day, but he’s still not eating (and for all we know he’s going to shop on his electric scooter to get more wine and putting bottles in communal recycling bin).

We need help please.

[blueskies]

Hello

I understand (and feel) every word that you have written as I am in exactly the same situation with my dad. He has been drinking for as long as I can remember. Red wine is also his poison of choice. Minimum two bottles a day. Sometimes he can hold it together but any slight setback in life and he downward spirals. This has been really bad now for over 20 years and I have tried everything but he won’t get help despite, at times, calling and pleading with me and I rush through but then he backtracks and starts to lie that he is eating and he is fine etc etc.

Lockdown has hit him really hard and he has basically become a recluse. As you did, I suggested meeting him on 22 July for a drink in a nice bar just to get him out of the house as I hadn’t seen him since March. He tried to back out at the last minute but I insisted as I was already on the train. He had aged terribly and clearly wasn’t taking care of himself. I tried to make conversation but then he just started crying and couldn’t stop. He said that this is not a life, it is an existence and he can’t see a future. I asked him to contact his gp but I know he won’t.

It is so painful watching someone basically drink themselves to death, a slow painful death, and be unable to do anything if they won’t agree to get help. I am sad and also so angry.

I’m so sorry that I can’t offer advice but just wanted to let you know that every word you wrote resonnated with me and I am sending you much love.

[regdavmab]

Hi both

Hope you’re doing ok.

My partner has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him. A functioning alcoholic but no one really said anything because it was ‘normal’ for him. I obviously enabled without even realising. It was just a regular part of his life. But an expensive part. And the drink turned into something to ‘chill him out’. Over a month ago he became extremely ill. His tolerance reduced to nothing which was shocking as usually you couldn’t even tell he’d had a drink. So to be honest it’s bizarre and strange how he’s all of a sudden become so unwell. Maybe it was just his body saying enough is enough. He couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t go to the toilet, had a fever, stomach pains, hand spasms, couldn’t speak and so on. I was terrified. Managed to force him to the hospital. They discharged him the next day and said to carry on drinking but decrease gradually and wait for the alcohol service to get in touch. Useless. A week later I swear he almost died and when I contacted the GP at my wits end he said actually he shouldn’t have been discharged and told to drink as he is high risk of liver failure. The stress was unbelievable, I don’t know how I’ve been coping. I had no choice but to get him into private rehab because in his poisoned delirious state he refused hospital again saying they wouldn’t help him and just send him away. If I hadn’t got him in (borrowed money) I don’t know if he’d have been here. He will be out next week and will have done two weeks. He is detoxed and sounds much better, he’s eating and walking around a lot, showering etc., which is the main thing. But I dropped some bits off two days ago and was horrified to discover his skin and eyes had turned completely yellow. I hid my shock and upset for his sake. I have been told repeatedly he’s in the best place as of course stopping drinking is the first step. Over the last year his drinking increased up to a litre of vodka a day. He’s only 41. He has an urgent liver scan when he gets out and I am sick with worry. I don’t know what that will reveal and I don’t want to. Please get in touch with your local alcohol service (GP referral). They may be able to provide an inpatient detox where it is taken out of your hands and they also help with safe decreasing. My partner unfortunately only got help when he was at death’s door and like I said who knows what the outcome will be of the scan. He may not have got any help if I hadn’t have found the money which doesn’t bear thinking about. I’ve already tried to get some things in place for afterwards like an AA sponsor, alcohol service appointment where they will provide craving meds, obviously the scan (over a month wait even for urgent ones but we luckily got a cancellation), and a general GP appointment. I’m also going to contact the local carers service as the worry I’m experiencing is overwhelming, I can’t sleep or eat. Please know you aren’t alone. There is comfort and advice out there. If you let me know your area I’d be happy to source some info for you. This is all new to me as well. It isn’t acceptable for us to just be ok with it and put up with the anguish and worry and heartache. Now when I look back I realise before this happened it wasn’t alright, there were things in our relationship and his life that were being affected by alcohol. I understand how you must feel when the GP say they can’t help if the person isn’t willing. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. No matter what I said to my partner about how he urgently needed care he said no one would help and I just had to watch him fading away. When I explained what rehab would do he agreed but who can afford private rehab! It’s going to take me a long time to pay the money back. I obviously know that this is just the start, rehab is the easy part. Please keep reaching out, it does help.

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