[mjdoubleu]

Hi Everyone

I have never posted anything in my life before but I am reaching out as I am struggling to cope with my wife’s addiction to Cocaine.

So here is my story. Well the basics at least.

I found out that my wife had a problem nearly 2 years ago.

To be completely honest I used to indulge myself but only for recreational use with my wife. No excuses.

I realised that it was becoming to frequent and not just at the weekends as so many people do nowadays.

So I decided to stop myself and told my wife that I wasn’t going to partake anymore as I didn’t want to encourage her further.

Since I did that our relationship began to break down. Slowly at first then becoming more obvious over time.

I have been with my wife for 22 years (Married for 14) and have always had an amazing relationship together.

We have run a small business for 12 years which has been successful up until recently. I run the business and my wife does admin and accounts.

I have always trusted my wife with our finances both with our home affairs and with the business, however I recently discovered that she has spent nearly 100K over the past 18 months.

Approx 70K from our personal accounts (Including loans and credit cards that I was not aware of) and over 30K from the business.

Going back you could see the gradual increase in spending as her habit became more intense. Daily cash withdrawals increasing as the weeks went by.

I was oblivious as I have never had to check my finances. Daft that that sounds now.

When I found out and confronted her about it she told me she was addicted to Cocaine.

Shortly after this she left the family home leaving me with our two beautiful girls and a tonne of debt to contend with. She has been sofa surfing since for the past 2 months at various friends houses (Most of which I do not know) and has continued to use up until 9 days ago.

I have tried so very hard to help her. I have told her that I can forgive the addiction and money that has been spent and that all I want to do is help her through this dark time.

She has now returned to the family home 4 days ago and is seeking help from a local CA group. I did go with her to one meeting to get an insight into what is going on and it did help me a little.

But the problem is that she is often out of the house and half the time I do not know who she is with or what she is doing.

I know that I have to trust her and I want to be there for her as I love my wife so very much.

However I am constantly worrying. Not just for my wife’s well being but of the financial consequences of her actions. I dread the postman coming every day as I often find out about new debts that I wasn’t aware of.

I don’t sleep anymore. And have constant nightmares.

I am sure that I am not the first or the last person to have to go through this, but I am reaching out to anyone that has experienced this and am asking for any advice or guidance that can help me help her.

Thank you in advance.

[gardenfence]

Hi MJDoubleU

Firstly it’s a lot you are having to manage and juggle, your family, your finances, your marriage and the addictions so don’t be hard on yourself for finding the enormity of this overwhelming. You’ve started to face this head on.

Secondly, Well done for finding this space and sharing.

I can only offer you my limited perspective on a few things. Your girls need you now and their home. They are no doubt looking at you as their dad for a magic wand which none of us have. can you find practical solutions so you can control the finances as that may give you a sense of your own control in providing security for your girls.

As a husband who loves his wife you want her to get help, which she has started to do, but it’s such early stages at the moment that it’s not something you can predict will or won’t work. Maybe you need to concentrate on you too, put your own oxygen mask on so you can help yourself think more clearly so you can find other steps to move forward with this.

Have you spoken to your girls, I’m not sure if they’re of that age, to see if having their mum home just now is right for them? As I said safeguard your childrens wellbeing and your own as that will allow you to be a better space to support your wife.

I am sorry to hear you and your girls are going through such an enormous thing. Maybe others wiser than me will reply and offer better guidance.

Best wishes

[mjdoubleu]

Hi Gardenfence

Thank you so very much for your reply. It is so very much appreciated. It makes me feel so much better knowing that someone is listening.

To be completely honest with you I haven’t. Clue what to do. Or what I am doing.

I have been doing absolutely everything for months now. And My girls are my absolute priority.

One is 17 and sees all and one is only 7. Innocent and confused about her Mum coming and going.

My wife is here but isn’t at the same time.

She sleeps most of the day which is fine as I know she is safe and hopefully healing.

So much has happened. To much to fully explain. Aside the Coke and money which I can forgive there is also the possibility of another guy. Which is the one thing that I really struggle with and most likely cannot get over. Only time will really tell on that one.

I feel absolutely exhausted fence. Mentally and physically. Constantly thinking about what may or may not have happened. We used to have a comfortable life with no worries. But now I barely manage to pay the bills.

I cannot work a full day as I have to do the morning and afternoon school runs. K no or to mention the school holidays.

My life has literally been turned our lives upside down.

Perhaps you are right that my wife should not be here right now. I know exactly what you are saying. Because even know she is here I feel more alone now than I did when she wasn’t here. Does that sound stupid?

She does nothing to help me. Nothing for the girls. When she’s awake She just sits there looking sorry for herself. Vague and emotionless. Which I get as she is on the biggest come down of her life.

I do get it. That filthy Shite takes over your life and you think your invincible, but when reality hits home. And your either out of money or nearly dead then reality hits hard.

It also destroys people, families, friends and everything that means something to you.

The lies. OMG the lies that she has told. One after the other. But as my grandad used to say. You have to have a good memory to be a good liar. And she doesn’t.

I’m taking one day at a time. As I know she is as well.

I don’t expect to have a relationship with her like we used to. But at least I will know that I have done everything I can to help her.

Thank you GF. Please keep in touch.

[gardenfence]

Afternoon MJDU

You’ve got a lot going on, so ever apologise for doing the best you can to keep things together.

I understand your views on cocaine it is a sneaky thing. Until you see first hand the effect it has on someone and then the tentacles it weaves out, it’s hard to explain to anyone else. It’s also how the person in front of you changes and they cannot see the changes you see. What I do know is the impact of it on innocent people’s emotions, which is what it sounds you are carrying not only for yourself, but your wife and your children too.

If you can piecemeal the things out you can try to do that. It might make things seem achievable.

Finances – speak to the experts on this. There’s some amazing charities that can give you sound financial advice and possibly some legal direction on how to protect your finances.

Do you have access to a local drug service so you can speak to them about what you can do to safeguard you and your children’s well-being?

A counsellor is invaluable. I’ve used them on the odd occasion and as someone impartial to my world they gave some sound perspectives and observations on what was going on, and how my own behaviour could be adjusted to put me back in control of me and my life. I wonder if your GP might be able to point you in the direction of one.

It is natural you are thinking of your wife however she is an adult who has made her own adult choices. Granted the drugs have changed her for now, however you too are an adult and you can make adult choices for you, that will also be in the best interests of your children.

Your wife is on her current path until she wishes to change it. You can put yourself on your path too. It’s not easy because you are grieving for the wife and marriage as was, whilst still dealing with the now of what it is.

Any small step you can take to get control back for you and your family will help you take another step.

It’s an awful, painful thing to see someone you love suffering yet don’t underestimate how that will impact on you. Be kind to yourself you sound like a very caring man who only has love for his family.

[mjdoubleu]

Hi Gardenfence

Thank you again for coming back to me.

Yes you are 100% right about your last comment. Family means everything to me.

I was Brought up by my grandparents and so have that outlook on life. Trust, honesty, hard work but most importantly family.

Unfortunately neither of them are around anymore and that was part of the problem.

We have had the worst run of luck since my wife’s father passed nearly 4 years ago. You have never met two people more alike. They were even born in the same day.

Since then it has been one thing after another constantly. Then mix COVID into the mix and boom.

My wife has admitted that she started taking to cope with everyday life and it got out of control. As things so easily do.

I do understand addiction very well as I smoked cannabis for 30 years. And only stopped 8 months ago when things were getting out of hand and I wanted to have clarity and not have my judgement clouded in any way.

My financial situation is a precarious one but I have that in check. I have spoken to our IFA and I intend on taking out some equity from the house to pay everything off and free my find of the stress. It’ll set me back 5 years but I will be totally worth it.

Counselling is definitely something I will consider should my head state worsen. But I am coping at the moment and have family and friends that are supporting me as well as helping out with my 7 year old occasionally which is great. I am very lucky in that respect.

It is the future that scares me. Not knowing what’s going to happen. I am trying so very hard to understand how my wife is feeling and not overwhelm her with doubt, questions or anything that could drive her from her path to recovery. As when I have asked questions in the past she runs away, which is her defence mechanism.

Your right I am an adult and I am making adult decisions especially when it comes to my girls welfare. I do everything for them and to be honest it’s the only thing that really keeps me going at the moment.

I continue to run the business, but single handed and my work days are short due to the school run.

I sometimes wish I could just push a switch and make my feeling for her go away. After everything she has done you would think that would be easy. But it’s not. I love her but I don’t recognise or understand her anymore.

Although I do realise that this is due to her addiction. She does nothing to help out when she is at home and makes more mess than the children do. I am constantly cleaning up behind her.

She has a new group of friends that she spends all of her time with. I don’t know any of them and they get her full attention.

We have hardly seen her for the past 3 days and stayed out last night.

Although I am sure that she has not been taking anything. Or at least that is what I am hoping.

She has told me that being at home is a reminder of what she has done and the pain she has caused to us all.

I sort of understand what she means but surely home is the best place to start the healing process.

ReBuilding her relationship with her children and then myself sounds like the best course of action to me however she is very mindful of her appearance and mind state around the girls as depression is a major factor at the moment.

My main worry at the is that at some point soon a switch will go off in my head, I will stop caring about her and concentrate of myself and my girls.

Most of my close friends told me ages ago to let her get on with it, and many other things I won’t say. So why am I still trying to help her Gardenfence? Am I stupid, A mug, A cash cow.

It hurts so very much to think that she is using me.

[gardenfence]

Morning MJDU

You sound as if you are already starting to get things in place for you and your girls. The IFA, your friends and family are being supportive and that’s a good thing to know you’ve got that network around you. They obviously have your back.

Your feelings towards your wife won’t switch off over night. You can’t beat yourself up over that, as it’s a natural part of the grieving process. You are grieving. You also love and care for her and we want to fix the pain for those we care about. They have to do it themselves though. My experience of being with someone who took cocaine was they lost empathy towards to me. They couldn’t recognise when they hurt me, it was about how they felt. Unfortunately anything they perceive as being a negative can make them feel it’s a negative comment or thought directed at them. Until your wife recognises and addresses the root cause of her pain, she’ll mask it by using other things that damage her and her family.

You are not a mug, nor stupid nor a cash cow. You are someone who loves his wife and wants to help her.

No one can predict the future, it’s easy to say don’t think about it because we can’t see into a magic ball, but I know that is easier said than done.

I’m reading A Path through the Jungle by Prof Steve Peters. It tells you how the brain works, and how our thoughts can sabotage our own sense of reasoning. It’s really easy to understand and a relatable read. It’s helped me massively understand why I act and react in the way I do. Even if you get the book and never read it, it you can use it to stop a table wobbling.

You sound as if you’ve done more to get things back on track than you give yourself credit for. You are doing a great job, and remember to take care of you too.

[mjdoubleu]

Good afternoon Gardenfence

Thank you once again for replying. It’s such a comforting feeling that a complete stranger would take the time to talk to me about this.

I didn’t know that you have experienced this first hand and to be honest I didn’t want to ask. But from what you have said to me I now see why you understand what I am going through so clearly.

I’m not much of a reader. I am more of a hands on guy. I like to fix things and I’m very good at it usually. However I will be ordering A Path through the jungle that you are reading as like that table I had a wobble of my own yesterday and I do think that it would be useful to my mindset. Especially since you have recommended it.

I try very hard not to think the worst but from what has happened it is difficult not to.

My wife went to CA last night and feels better today than she has done for a long time. She even smiled and had a few laughs with me earlier which to me was absolute bliss.

She has met up with a few girls over the past couple of weeks and really bonded with them. She talks about them a lot and sometimes gets upset as she speaks as she then thinks about what they have gone through and relates to her own experiences.

I believe that she has now turned onto the right path and I am hopeful that in time she will be herself again which is all I have ever wanted. Regardless of whether we make it as a couple I will know in my heart that she is happy and healthy. For my children sake as well as my now.

I am going to stop beating myself up over this now and think positive thoughts. I am looking into joining a local sailing club as that is something I have always wanted to do and later on get the girls involved.

I’m eating regular now. Taking long walks with the dog and spending quality time with my girls. Work isn’t as important to me anymore (One thing I have learnt from all this) as it diverted my attention from what is really important. My Family.

I hope you have a great weekend Gardenfence.

All the best.

[gardenfence]

Wow MJDU what a move forward you’ve made. It’s great to hear you’re investing in you, and the positive outcomes they are going to give you. Walking is amazing it’s the thing that has been a constant in my life and it’s certainly a great way to think and sometimes use as a means to switch off too. Your dog must be loving you with this time of being out and about.

It’s good to see you’ve got a form of realism about your relationship with your wife, and you as a person in your own right and your family as you all need to get through this too.

Even though my relationship with someone as a friend and then as a partner was for about 4 years, I can now look back and see how cocaine was creating (unbeknowingly at the time) different paths for us. However, I learnt so much about it (cocaine), my handling of a relationship when it was in the mix and how my reactions maybe didn’t add favourably to the whole thing. Yet I can, as you can, will always know that you’ve come from a place of love and care because you’ve seen the impact it has on those that take it and those around it who are trying to understand it. It is though about us wanting to ensure the other person can come through it well and happy too.

The sailing sounds great. I don’t think you’ll have time to read the book as you’ll be too busy splicing the main brace. Good for you.

[mjdoubleu]

Good afternoon Gardenfence

Once again thank you for responding.

I hope you are well. How are you doing today?

I have just got back home from walking the dog after spending most of the day invoicing and submitting quotes. Yawn.

It is a great way to switch off. I love being outside, more than I have ever before in my life. It clears my mind and diverts me from the now.

Things are calm at home at the moment and My Wife improves daily. Although she does spend a lot of time with the new friends she made whilst she was away from us.

I don’t really understand the attraction to them and have not attempted to stop her as I don’t want to upset the cart.

Although only this morning she said that she was going to start pulling away from them. Which was music to my ears.

I did say that that it was her decision to make and I didn’t want her to resent me later for doing it. We will have to see how that pans out.

The good news is that she is still attending CA, although last nights session resulted in a negative one. We talked when she came home about it and I reassured her that not every session would be a positive one and that even know she felt negative there were probably some positive things that came from it. Although she probably didn’t see it at the time. Her head was down when she came home but was back up before I went up to bed.

She continues to stay part of a small group of women that are all supporting each other and I am always encouraging her to be there for each other. It’s amazing to see how enthusiastic she is. There is Such a difference in her and a positive one at that.

She cooked us all a roast dinner for the first time in over 6 months last night before going to CA. I couldn’t stop looking at her the whole time. It was blissful. And the best dinner I have had in a very long time.

The sailing club is fully booked up until end of October but I am still keen on joining as I have always loved being on the water.

I have been paddle boarding and canoeing for years with the kids which I have always felt to be extremely good for my soul and brings us all together.

I have now started reading ‘A Path through the Jungle’ and have already found it extremely helpful.

Although I do keep having to go back over a few things as I go to get a better understanding of it. At first I found it complicated but as I progress through it falls into place and I sometimes laugh because It’s all so true.

I just wish I had read it years ago.

Every days a school day for me now.

All the best.

[scousecharlie]

100k on cocaine ? And you didn’t know ? I’d go back to the accounts as

It’s easy to blame a drug for money of that amount gone ?

[mjdoubleu]

Evening Scousecharlie.

Believe me I know. If you could see my wife now you would see where it has gone.

But To be completely honest I never checked the accounts as I was always working and took it for granted that it was there.

A fool and his money are soon parted as they say.

But it’ll never happen again.

All the best.

[scousecharlie]

Hey MJ join the club over a decade ago now I had 5 credit cards numerous store cards payday loans I mean anything that my ex could get credit on she did so trust me I know, luckily I retrieved it back through courts but just goes to show… can you only trust yourself- yes the answer is and no 1 else unfortunately

[mjdoubleu]

Hi SC.

My god. It’s a night mare isn’t it?

I continuously worry that there are things that I don’t yet know about and am struggling to keep up with the payments on what I am aware of. Loans and numerous Credit cards. My wife was involved with 4 different loan sharks at one point but she has paid them off. Which I count my blessings for as they are the the worst type of people to deal with. Aside HMRC.

My only saving Grace is that I have equity in the house which I will be using part of to pay everything off.

I just cannot handle the worry or the stress.

It’ll put me back a few years but my god it’ll be worth it.

I do struggle with trust and pretty much everyone apart from my close family. It does that to you.

The crazy thing is that this goes on far to much. But I have only found this out since it’s happened to me.

Hang in there SC. Your not alone.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Hi SC.

My god. It’s a night mare isn’t it?

I continuously worry that there are things that I don’t yet know about and am struggling to keep up with the payments on what I am aware of. Loans and numerous Credit cards. My wife was involved with 4 different loan sharks at one point but she has paid them off. Which I count my blessings for as they are the the worst type of people to deal with. Aside HMRC.

My only saving Grace is that I have equity in the house which I will be using part of to pay everything off.

I just cannot handle the worry or the stress.

It’ll put me back a few years but my god it’ll be worth it.

I do struggle with trust and pretty much everyone apart from my close family. It does that to you.

The crazy thing is that this goes on far to much. But I have only found this out since it’s happened to me.

Hang in there SC. Your not alone.

All the best.

[gardenfence]

Morning MJDU

I’m just seeing how things are with you and to pick up on the thread about the finances. Whilst my financial worries weren’t linked to the person I was with who took cocaine, they were linked to my ex husband it did set me back a lot. However, once I got the finances under my control it helped massively knowing I was able to deal with it directly. I’ve got a mortgage with what seems forever yet having the assurity that I have a roof over my head and my grown up

children have a roof whenever they need it is worth it.

Hope you and your family have managed to enjoy the outdoors.

The book is a big read, I can only read it in stages it does make a lot of sense though. Glad you’re getting something out of it.

All the best

GF

[mjdoubleu]

Good morning GF

Thank you for checking in.

It’s been a strange week for a change.

My wife was out for pretty much 48hrs and I ended up picking her up at 05.00 on Saturday morning. Drunk on Absynth.

She been home since and we went out for the first time together last night to the local pub for a game of pool and a few beers. First time in a very long time.

It ended up being a good night and she seems good today.

However she did admit to having some coke when she was out Friday night which really upset me as it has set her back 3 weeks.

Apparently she found it in her bag when she was drunk. But I know that’s a load of rubbish.

The girls she was out with are over 10 years younger than her, have no children and no real responsibilities. That worries me a lot.

But I have to let her make adult decisions like you said. Whether that are good or bad.

I have put my foot down though as the emotional roller coaster of it all was breaking me down and I’m not prepared to do that anymore. I was worried sick about her on Friday and felt sick because if it.

She didn’t go to CA on Friday night because she was out with her cronies. Great friends they are. They know the situation and if they were actual friends then surely they would have encouraged her to go. Not indulge her in alcohol and potential the crap that got her where she is. Madness!!

I have said that she needs to decide on whether she wants to remain part of this family or go about her business with those who don’t really care about her and would drop her if things went south.

It’s up to her now.

Yes the book is a big read. I have put it aside for a few days but will get back into it tomorrow. Like you said it’s a lot to take in. But worth the time.

I am glad that you have the security that you need and I can relate to how hard it is to get there. But as you say you have that roof over your head. Which is so very important.

I haven’t had much time to go out this week as I have been concentrating on work and getting some money in. But I intend on getting out more next weekend.

All the best.

MJ

[Anonymous]

I have story on my channel about all my addictions Cocaine was one of them subscribe and watch it. It will help m8 I’ve been through it message me if you want the link

[mjdoubleu]

Hi

Yes please send over the link and I will check it out.

Thank you

MJ

[Anonymous]

No problem here it is below

https://youtube.com/channel/UCvKqCZW_z6SWJ1ddOgN3ldg/

Subscribe Guys To My Own Addictions Podcast iy will Help Use If Yous Are Struggling

Message me when you Subscribe

[kasmum]

Dear mjdoubleu, It sadddens me greatly to hear your story and as a parent of a Ketamine addict, I totally hear and can resonate with you. I’m sorry you are going through this and totally understand how lack of sleep and anxiety and frustration and all the other emotions are hitting you like a tonne of bricks. Me too 🙁

Gardenfence, you have sound advice, I too thank you for the time you are taking to give advice, I will be listening myself to your kind words of wisdom and encouragement.

My son has ramped up thousands of pounds in debt, we are unsure to the exact extent as he too has lied over and over to us but deep down we know it’s huge. A friend shared a site that is helpful in organising debts out of control: https://www.stepchange.org/.  My husband and I are not in total agreement with handling this situation atm. so it’s in the air so to speak.

I would rather see the ugly real and big picture with all the hard horrible facts to help me come to terms with what our son is battling with including the amount of debt to try to also understand the financial situation fully. My husband says our son is not in the right frame of mind to deal with this yet and to focus the battle of the Ket addiction first.  I get what he is saying and know he’s right, however in my mind some of the Ketamine our son uses is to ‘get away from everything and not think about anything and take all the pain of everything away”. That to me says he’s worried financially and surely some of the weight of worry would be lifted if the finances were looked at in a helpful way. I don’t think our son will be truthful with it all. When he is ready I’m thinking of giving him the site, it is his problem, I do not want it as mine or ours! All this is just so tough! I hate what it’s doing to the whole family and the anger and the lies and the eggshells and the anxiety, the sleepless nights, the list is endless…

Wishing you all a good day ahead…small steps taken one bit at a time eh?

[Author]

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