[cazd]

I won’t tell the long story, but I need to know how I can make my 39 year old son who is recovery stop making me give him my money. just say no, everyone says but I can’t deal with the constant nagging and emotional blackmail. Every day he says it’s the last payment to people he owes money to. He’s been in Supported Housing but until recently he’s not done a drug test because he was still using- I only just found this out.

I have given him everything and so have my family. I have debts because of him. It sounds simple – just refuse- but he goes on and on and on till I give him my last penny and more.

How have others dealt with this?

[icarus-trust]

Hi Caz,

Sorry to read your post. What you are going through is really tough and difficult to deal with on your own. If you would like some support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support to people dealing with addiction in their family. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with, if you get in touch, which may help you to know how to deal with everything and move forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[debc]

Hi CazD,

Welcome to the Forum.

Your words really hit home and I remember the constant going on and on, they don’t stop unless we give in, and I like you used to give in all the time, but it’s not the right thing to do as I have learnt.

I think my Son (30) is playing at Recovery at the moment, he lives at home with me, he has a job which he earns good money from, so I don’t have to give him any now. My only thought about the money is why does he keep asking for money now? Is he still using? My guess is that the money is for this.

I think you have to be cruel to be kind, turn your phone off when he is on a rant, and I know this will be hard to do, but you have to start thinking of yourself.

Read the Theresa thread on here, there are lots of Mums, mostly with Sons who are addicts, it hopefully will help.

Keep in touch on here, take care.

Dx

[cazd]

My son is in recovery, in Supported Housing after I made him leave home. i had to run away myself and lock him out for a month to make him leave. He was using till recently, he told his Support Worker as much when she wanted to test him. He knows now that if he continues using he will lose his housing. He lives too near to me. Every day when he phones or calls in I ask him if he’s going to be asking for money. He says no. then as he’s about to leave he says there is. today it was because he’s not been paying his rent. I want it all to stop, but don’t know who can make him stop. it’s driving me crazy, and makingmme really worried about money.

[lizzie1210]

You need to maintain boundaries. Speak to someone for support if that helps. I’ve seen a counsellor due to my brother and she’s made me better at being able to say no to him. I used to get the requests for money and really worry about him and what would happen if I didn’t give him money – would he get in trouble with his dealer, etc etc, but honestly, now I know that this is not my problem. I don’t need to speak to him to see why he needs the money and listen to his sob stories. The way he is living is not normal and not acceptable and I feel that getting wrapped up in the drama of it helps legitimise the lifestyle. You need to do whatever it takes to build the strength to refuse. You cannot get into debt over this, it simply isn’t on. There are choices he could be making to get support to deal with cravings and if he is choosing not to do this then it is his problem not yours. Sorry if I sound harsh, I’ve been having this discussion with a relative and I’m sick of them getting away with treating us like cash machines

[Author]

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