[tazzer1997]

My 18 year old daughter has been in and out of a relationship with a drug addict for the last two years. She broke up with him after the first 8 months (my husband had to get her out of the boyfriend’s apartment as he would not let her leave). Two months later, he went into rehab (he said it was for him, but later admitted that he went for her). She began visiting him there without our knowledge and moved out of our house right before graduation, as we had found out about the relationship and a big argument ensued. My husband and I were quite close with her, so it was a very painful experience to see this happen, and she wouldn’t tell us where she was living.

She got an apartment and waited for him to complete his program. She had been accepted to university but declined in order to wait for him to complete his program. He got out in October and she helped him get back on his feet. He began drinking and smoking right after Christmas and things went downhill (money missing, lying, etc). She called us at the end of January and said that she had had enough. We helped her move home. Call me naive, but I thought that was the end of it. She began making plans to go back to school, but then the Pandemic hit. I found out that he has reached out to her, and has apologized and said that he now realized that she was the only one that supported him. She is now staying at his place, but told us she is with her friend in self isolation. I am terrified that she will get back together with him and go through this whole experience again. She is young and has her whole life ahead of her – I have tried to get her to see how his behaviour is destructive and holding her back, but she gets very defensive. I would really appreciate any advice as I really don’t want to be alienated again.

[jopdm123]

Hi Tazzer,

I am speaking from experience here. 10 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who was 13 years older than me. (I was the same age as your daughter now) He drank, took drugs etc. He was a lovely guy when sober but he abused me physically and mentally for years. He manipulated me and made me feel sorry for him. I left time and time again but always went back. I hid it from my parents and distanced myself from them despite them being my best friends and being extremely close. I know Dee down my parents knew, as I would turn back up on the door step with a broken nose and black eyes. I went through it for years before I finally build up the courage to say enough is enough, that was a few years later. She needs to find confidence in herself and it will come in her own time. I never listened to my parents and only left when I was ready. He would tell me ‘ I will kill myself if you leave’ that was hard as it made me stay. Later on When I left he did subsequently kill himself but that was his demons not me (his family blamed me of course). Give her time, reassure her you are there for her and be there to pick her up.

I know every situation is different.

[Author]

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