[dxb]

I don’t know where to start. Tonight I have called the Police when my husband refused to leave our home. This evening, His behaviour went from ‘normal’ to , within an hour hallucinating/ talking gibberish/ falling asleep whilst standing up /seeing things and being generally ‘off his face’ . He denied that he had taken any substances , other than one bottle of beer ,and just slurred that he is ‘ tired’. However , he has , previously taken ‘Xanax’ – which I discovered three months ago as a result of his increasingly erratic behaviour, mood swings and several occasions of him causing chaos and ruining family events . He has been speaking to drug counsellor and insists he is sorry and will

Never use ‘ substances’ in our home again . I had been clear about the ‘ boundaries’ I have set and that if he was ‘ under the influence ‘ in our home again that he could not stay here.I hqd told him that his behaviour frightens me and I cannot go on walking on eggshells , constantly fearing the nights and days when he is stumbling around, breaking things, losing things, argumentative and paranoid.

Tonight he denied having taken anything – despite falling around all over the place, being confused and disoriented and obsessively searching around in the dark For his phone – when all along it was in his hand – and becoming argumentative when I said that he had his phone and suggested he go to bed . He stumbled forward whilst looking for the imaginary phone and accidentally head butted me – causing quite a bruise and ‘egg’ on my head where his head hit mine. I said ‘enough is enoug’and said he had To go to bed right away , or leave our home as Iwas frightened of what he might do next in his stupor. I collected his essentials in a bag and told him to cal a cab and take his stuff – as I said Iwill not talk about any of this with him until he sobered up. When he refused to leave, I called the police – as he was crashing around our home and refusing to either go to bed or leave. I just wanted the police to insist he leaves and go to a hotel to sober up. However , he was denying there is a problem, arguing with the police, the officers saw my swollen head and The police arrested him. They have taken him into custody . I don’t know how our marriage has come to this. I just want the man I married back again ( we have been together 15 years) . He said he was getting help and promised he was not taking anything – but his behaviour has been so erratic. Every 10 days or so we seem to have some drama or other When his behaviour seems to be like Jekyll and Hyde. I feel so guilty as I fear he has serious mental health problems related to events in his adolescent years – and he said he has been ‘ self medicating’ to escape these emotions. I don’t want to abandon him,he has no one else in the world he can turn to. But I have given him so many second chances – and said I cannot live with this behaviour / alcohol or substance use any more – it is making me feel as though I am going insane – and I am so exhausted – I cannot see how I can carry on loving and supporting him if this awful behaviour keeps cropping up every 1-2 weeks.

Sorry to ramble. Feel sick. It’s 02:50hrs and he is in a police cell – and probably has no recollection of what has happened or why he is there. He can never remember these episodes. I just want my lovely husband back – but I fear the reality is that he only exists alongside this unrecognisable monster. I feel so so very sad. I’m not looking for answers, just helps to type it all out – needed to ‘ offload’ I guess. Can’t tell my friends and family the true facts of what has happened tonight as they are so very supportive of me but I think they are baffled as to why I stay with him. I know on here I can just say what happened without being judged – as everyone on this forum knows how heartbreaking , confusing and soul destroying this can be . X

[cathsp]

Dxb

We have heard you and are listening.

Our thoughts are with you

[dxb]

Thank You . This helps so much xx

[quilty]

“I cannot see how I can carry on loving and supporting him if this awful behaviour keeps cropping up every 1-2 weeks.”

I don’t think you get to choose that. You love him or you don’t. Its a very tough one because although I have no experience of what you’re going through my job puts me in contact with a lot of people in similar situations. The one thing they all have in common is they couldn’t just stop loving someone because of this alone, and believe me they do try and make themselves.

I truly wish you nothing but the best and I hope you and your husband get the help you deserve.

[dxb]

Thankyou for your reply – it has really helped . Today I have ‘ swung’ between making myself be ‘ strong and resilient’ and then sobbing my heart out as I have spent the past 15 years caring for and loving my husband, no matter what he has done, I have never ‘ judged’ but have always promised him ‘ if you have a problem, we will deal with it together’ . He has no friends or family left and no one else to turn to. I hate the thought of him feeling I’ve rejected and abandoned him and made him homeless – it’s not what I would ever want or choose to do. I just wish so much that drugs had never entered our lives , changed my husband’s behaviour and his priorities beyond recognition from Those of the man I fell in love with, destroys trust and ruined our marriage .

I know I have to ‘ get real’ but I just want my husband and our marriage back to how they were in the happy years before this nightmare began. I just sob and sob when I think of how I dreamt of how it would be – dreams for the future/ our retirement etc etc and how this is never going to happen now.

Thankyou x

[kklost]

Your last paragraph about dreaming of the future and your retirement hit me so hard. I think of this time with my husband and now wonder what the future holds/if we will have a future.

I hope that your husband sees sense soon. Can they even do that?

I’m on day two of knowing. I feel sick and pray I won’t be having to make the choices you have described.

How do you keep going? I feel like I can’t.

[cathsp]

It’s a difficult question with multiple layers. I workEd with a worker and we did CRAFT together.

It helpEd both, me and my son. It was individual tailored made sessions. It was educational and aimed at helping me whilst educating both of us.

I know I cant wait around changing my life to enable him.

We All need to be supported to continue our self care and life whilst caring for someone who needs care and help.

It’s stressful for sure and they may never give up their addictive behaviour.

Keep reaching out. Keep posting keep believing.

There is a silent army of people on this site that will support you and walk some of the way with YOU and ME

Take care

[kklost]

Thank you. I will keep talking and I will keep learning.

I’m on day 3 of being in the know. It has been such a shock

[dxb]

I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are also going through this shock and disbelief. I am just keeping going ‘ day – by day’ and even ‘hour- by -hour’ . I am very lucky that I have good family who love me ( all of whom would happily see my Husband locked up and throw away the key however!) . I do not know how I ‘feel’ right now. I am so used to ‘sorting everything out’ and being the ‘ sensible’ one in our marriage that I feel so very guilty that me husband is in ‘ air bnb’ and seems to be struggling to come to terms with how serious this problem has become. I recognise that for the past few days my home feels calm, safe and like a ‘ sanctuary’. Last night I had my parents over for tea ( socially distanced in the back garden – thank goodness for the early summer at least!) which is the first time I’ve been able to have family or friends over, without being on edge , for 2 years or more. And I actually slept well last night for the first time in a while!! I can honestly see how much I’ve been ‘ on edge’ all the time at home for longer than I can remember. Whilst, as I say I feel so desperately sad for my husband and the mess he is now in, it is honestly such a relief to feel safe from the tension and risk of ‘ intoxicated behaviuor’. He is telling me how terribly sorry he is and that he is determined to change and I really want to support him, if I can, to sort himself out, but I have a knot in my stomach when I think of how far there is to go for us to rebuild our marriage, I feel drained and exhausted and know I am just not strong enough right now to manage anything other than ‘ keeping going’ and getting stronger in myself. Deep down I feel so guilty as I have good support , and a secure job, a home, and the motivation to rebuild a happy life. But I guess I don’t want to abandon my husband to a life of addiction and misery, but I know I cannot be around it any more. He has got to sort himself out. If he wants to and if he can. I can’t do it any more. I don’t know how to sort out the practicalities of future living arrangements, finances etc- I don’t know where to start as we have been together for 15 years. I don’t know how to strike the balance between being reasonable and fair ( to him) / being harsh and doing what’s ‘ best for me’/ and acting as his ‘rescuer’. ….. not sure if that makes any sense at all…… just a bit confused as this is Unchartered territory I suppose. I have tried to call a helpline today and will continue to seek some professional/ practical advice and suggestions from someone with experience In these matters. When I spoke to my husbands drug counsellor after the recent ‘ incident’ I accepted the offer to be referred to a ‘ family support’ service – and I have heard from them today ( and I rambled on and on to the person who called me – She was very patient and took my details down – and said a support worker will be in touch. I think I always talk too much when I am nervous and I also guess I like to sound as though I’m ‘ in control’ of matters – so I probably sounded like I had been ‘ on something myself’.Note to self – must try to remember when just to stop talking!! 🙂 ) . I hope if I can speak to the support worker ( without babbling like a fool!) it might help me to navigate A way forward/ explore ‘ options’ as well as ‘pros and cons’ ……. as I imagine everyone on this forum knows that this is so very hard and confusing. Thank you again for listening. Please everyone take care and stay safe. I will be watching out for your updates. Thankyou all for sharing your own experiences and advice. I will do the same as it helps me so much to write it all down and I hope to pass on any useful ‘ tips’ as I find what works for me X

[kklost]

Thanks for your reply!

How many chances have you given him? This seems to be playing on my mind so much.

How long has he been in air bnb? Good for you being that strong to kick him out!!! Well done!!

Must be so nice to breath and have family around and enjoy yourself. Good for you.

Hats off to you!

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