[notmyrealname]

Hi,

It’s my first post after reading and commenting on so many other peoples posts.

My husband is a cocaine addict, I think he uses it most days. I also know he has taken MDMA.

We’ve been together over 10 years but it’s only the last couple of years I found out his problem or the extent of it, I knew he had done it at parties but in the week he went back to normal so I thought it was none of my business to worry about. However the last couple of years he had suddenly started getting in to large amounts of debt, there were all different excuses and I found out he owed grands to local dealers. He paid a load off and vowed to change but then I was shocked to find out he had drove one of them round in the dealers car to pay off some of his debt.

We have had so many arguments and fall outs over their, he always gets upset and insists he wants to change but that it’s too hard. He refuses to get professional help as he says he will lose his job and also is worried it could affect our children. Does anyone know if this is the case? If he was honest and did the responsible thing of asking for professional help would that then put the kids and his job at risk? Or is that an excuse?I don’t have any experience in this so if anyone could advise who knows would be helpful.

The other thing he says he has tried hard to cut down but for me I can’t feel very positive as i don’t think he should be doing it at all and have said I can’t live this way.he says he doesn’t want to be without me and that he’s trying his best. I know it is hard and that addiction is not simple but what can I do? If I don’t go on about it then he sees that as a ticket that he’s getting away with it.

[notmyrealname]

Ha sorry just seen how long my post went on, not likely I will get a response to that rambling on.

[arm1]

Hi,

Im so sorry u are going though that.

So with what I read . It sounds like he is given u excuses. He can’t quit on his own. He will need to go to detox and go through a sober house or program to help him. About his job I don’t know if he will loss it or they might support him with it. U can ask any place where he gets help from, if it would effect his job or his job might support him.

He will continue to use if he doesn’t get help. Your kids will be fine if he asks for help. If he continues to get high then that will put ur kids and u at ricks. He is only going to get wore from here on. Just think about what’s good for u and ur kids. If u need to leave then do so. He will get help when he is ready and it looks like he is not ready to get help. He only tells u that. So u can get off his back. If u have somewhere to go then do so or ask him to leave. Thats what I will do.

I had to section my Boyfriend after I found out he was smoking crack for 3 days in a hotel room . He tried to get back into my house after his money was gone. I had do it because he was telling me, if I didn’t let him in, he was going to kill himself. So I called the police. Cocaine makes them come down hard.

They get very depressed and moody and aggressive. At lest he did. He had to see I was serious about him getting help and That I was not going to support him if he was getting high. He got help after and now he is in a sober house. He is not the father of my kids so it didn’t affect them.

But u have to be ready to let him go. And start to do what’s good for u and ur kids.

He has to hit rock bottom as they say.

I m Hope everything works out for u. Its hard begin with someone who is an addict. Good luck!

[notmyrealname]

Hi thanks for replying, i only normally comment on other peoples so when I started typing my own it’s gone on quite long so thank you for having the patience to read through and I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through. How are you now? How long has it been? And have you managed to start building you life again?

The problem I have is that I have been through the him having the wild nights out not hotels but friend house parties and the staying out all night and he stopped doing that so he thought he’s doing great and I do appreciate the work he put in there but he thinks I’m being ungrateful to think that’s not enough. The thing to me is with him having such an addictive personality there’s no such thing as doing just a bit here and there because once he’s back in those circles he doesn’t have any control at all.

It breaks my heart because we have had good times where I think he wasn’t doing it all but then I think this is the second time where it’s gone on for a couple of years only the first time I didn’t know about the cocaine so I didn’t understand all the odd behaviour. Now that I know I have tried to be helpful and understanding but im just so angry that he will work so hard and then give all his wages to someone else at the end of the month. I’m angry that he can’t see he’s being taken advantage of.

I spoke to one of his parents about it as they have known he has issues already with him smoking cannabis as a teenager. The only thing was they were making it out to be much worse than an alcoholic in the family and this really annoyed me because addiction is the problem not the particular substance and so I won’t discuss it with them any further. I think this is one of the highest frustrations how society views drug addicts because if someone’s an alcoholic it’s just a bit of fun got out of hand whereas drug addicts are looked down on and with it being illegal it’s hard to talk to people about it.

To be honest I was trying to go with the support and see what we can do rather than leave but I have came close so I can’t say how it will go eventually. He came to a point of deleting and blocking users, dealer which meant he had no friends at all. He was doing well BUT a lot of people that work with him are on it, lots of our neighbours sell it and take it. so basically after lots of hard work he will cave after so many temptations .

With him trying to get away with doing a tiny bit each day we then dont really have the come downs to deal with. Personally I think he should be on some medication. Lots of people have asked if he has ADHD.

[arm1]

Hi

How are u doing? How is ur husband doing?

Im not doing so great. I just dropped him off at the sober house. He has been sober for 2 months and a week today. He kept telling me, if he doesn’t come home he was leaving. Now Im trying to call him and he is not picking up. Im going crazy because Im scared he might relapse. They put in the hard work but the drug is stronger then them. I think my boyfriend is relapsing right now or he is meeting up with an other woman. My mind is going crazy.

No-one understands why we stick around. I don’t even know way I pick up the phone when he calls. I love him but after this I think Im done. My family doesn’t even know about this hole thing. He won’t tell his family that he was smoking crack and even if he did they won’t help him. They don’t want anything to do with him. Thats way I feel stuck with him and the need to help him. In the end I can’t help him if he doesn’t help himself.

There is no point in getting mad or anger. It will only make u sick. I think I lost hope after today. When they are addicts and are not ready to get help, no-one stands in there way. He might be a good man, when he is sober, I know mine is. But the addiction will change them and the way they think. I know it’s hard but ur going to have to let it go or let him go.

it’s only heart break.. they won’t change for anyone but themself.

There is nothing more u can do. And getting angry won’t help u. Go get ur nails done or go for a walk and take care of yourself. Start to think if this is the life u want because I been with mine for nine years. It started with alcohol and then cocaine and now smocking crack. It’s a pattern and it won’t change until he wants to change for himself. Its coming down to, if I am willing to expect his addiction or walk away.

Medication might help but my boyfriend abuses his medication so he can get high. It’s always something with them. I am thinking really hard right now because my life will always be like this, always anger, stressed out and wondering when he will start to use or abuse his medication. I hope everything goes good with u.

Its hard

[notmyrealname]

Hi, yes with mine it was cannabis at first . Then now Cocaine, mdma occasionally and also drinking more alcohol than ever.

Yes I am making sure to take care of myself too thanks.

Yes your exactly right the feelings I get of stress and anxiety are not only if he’s done it but if he hasn’t then I am constantly worrying when it’s going to be and just wishing and hoping he can last a bit longer each time without doing it. That’s right you just wish that you could have a normal life. I know everyone has their own worries and nobody’s life is perfect but I live a clean life and try my best don’t do things to harm or effect anyone else and I find all this upsetting and also embarrassing. I get a lot of stress worrying if anyone I know ever saw him picking this stuff up or taking it as nobody would understand and they would think I’m in on it when I am so against it.

[notmyrealname]

Hi I wondered how you are doing now?

[esta]

You can spend potentially decades in this cycle of misery.

People make choices and they have consequences

You can’t change someone else Or there choices

[notmyrealname]

Well I’ve already done over a decade so I don’t think it’s easy to walk away.

It has made him lying and manipulative yes.

It’s really stressful because he doesn’t choose the drugs every time he has had some moments this year of being so strong but there are a lot of people around our areas and his workplace who constantly manage to get to him and think it’s a big joke taking coke. Almost all of them don’t have anything to lose or have already lost it so they don’t think it’s any harm and think they’re all having a fun time. He struggles to keep away from these people and he doesn’t now how to fill his time doing normal things that isnt with another coke addict. He doesn’t know a single other person than me that doesn’t take coke.

[icarus-trust]

Hi ,

So sorry to read how your husband’s cocaine addiction is affecting you.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. We offer support to people who are dealing with the impact of addiction in their family. If you contact us one of our Family Friends would talk with you and maybe help you to answer some of your questions.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[esta]

Coke is certainly not a joke

Coke can imprison the addict and their loved ones emotionally and financially

It’s basically how much you are willing to take and give away

And if you think you can see a future then stay but after ten years with no change yet you have to expect that it won’t ?

If you are prepared to spend another ten years waiting for change that is your choice to make

My husband was a chronic coke user/addict and so were ALL his friends

I do not use coke and NONE of my friends are addicts

My husband tried to get me to use lots of times but I couldn’t see the fun or the point

He lied everyday and I genuinely thought he was telling the truth but it was just manipulation

That’s why I left

I couldn’t stand the disappearing/ turning off phone/begging forgiveness

The endless cycle of picking up the pieces

I didn’t want to hand my wages to a dealer

I didn’t have any compulsion to use coke or hang round with people off their faces

He used for 20 years and it came before, our marriage our children our home

He would spend every penny he had on drugs and had not one bit of remorse that I stood in line at the food bank whilst he smoked £200 to £400

One thing ruled his head – drugs

he would tell me I was the love of his life

He couldn’t live without me

He would kill himself if I left him

This was the last time he would use

I am going to sort myself out

He hated the crap and would never touch it again

Now he is on a psych ward still begging for coke off the doctors

The staff all thought I used because of association that made me feel so embarrassed and was just another validation that I has made the Right decision. I don’t want me or my children tarnished with any association to drugs and I don’t want them growing up tainted or thinking it’s normal or okay

So no coke is not funny it’s a very dangerous game to play

It destroys everything

[notmyrealname]

Thanks for sharing some of your story. It sounds like your partner hit the rock bottom they always talk about then. How long has he been in a psych ward and he isn’t feeling any better and no less of an impulse? You must be relieved he’s locked somewhere safe after everything you been through.

Well it’s very hard to think clearly because he hasn’t been getting in too much debt this year he has a good job which he manages to hold down because almost all of the staff take coke so he doesn’t stand out. So he can afford to put enough to the house we aren’t in any financial difficulty everything gets paid. Before when it got bad I did have to go a food donation one time and when he realised this there was a big turn around and he cut down completely he hadn’t realised it had got so bad. But now I feel like it’s been creeping up little by little. They are all so foolish to think a little bit won’t hurt.

He stopped the wild nights out but even so he can get away with doing little bits at work. He thinks this doesn’t affect anyone else but I don’t want to spend my evenings with someone who isn’t really there.

[notmyrealname]

Bit of good news update. Partners been trying really hard but the impulse doesn’t go away for long. He’s actually been to see medical professional who has made some recommendations and they are hoping to prescribe him some legal medication for the anxiety and stress at the bottom of the issues. Feels like a bit of hope finally

[esta]

My ex is still on the psych ward he asks continually for crack or a small wrap of heroin to smoke to take the edge off

It’s who he became – who he was

A crackhead

Sounds horrible but it was part of his life for 20 years that’s a massive thing to leave behind

It rewires the brain

This was a man who had his own company a family and once a very bright future

But if he was released the first thing he would do is score

It’s taken a long year of grieving to reach a point where he no longer controls my emotions

Having him out of my life is the best thing that ever happened to me

He lied

He manipulated

He cheated (multiple times)

He almost destroyed me

This was the man who told me I was the love of his life

You need distance and time to be free of them and move on

[esta]

It’s a fight you will not win

The drugs will win every time

You will destroy yourself trying to save them and realise you are wasting your time and life on someone who is playing multiple games to keep their addiction alive

Be strong and look after yourself x

[westy081]

Ur stories r so helpful an making us understand it all better ! Thanku xx

[mammyessex]

It’s horrendous how many people are suffering the devastation of coke , it’s robbed me of the life I’ve knew for 24 years , it’s robbed my children of a normal family life and a secure financial one , it’s the devil , even if they do indeed recover I think the lies the betrayal are just too hard to forgive and forget in a shadow of the person I used to be and I’ve never took a drug in my life , it seeps into every aspect of your life like the filthy poison it is

[mammyessex]

It’s horrendous how many people are suffering the devastation of coke , it’s robbed me of the life I’ve knew for 24 years , it’s robbed my children of a normal family life and a secure financial one , it’s the devil , even if they do indeed recover I think the lies the betrayal are just too hard to forgive and forget im a shadow of the person I used to be and I’ve never took a drug in my life , it seeps into every aspect of your life like the filthy poison it is

[notmyrealname]

Yes it’s a filthy poison, my whole neighbourhood seems to be poisoned by this disgusting substance. I seem to be the only person round here who is opposed to it. Loads of people who don’t have a real job driving in flash cars paid for by other peoples wages, really so sad it’s awful. I don’t know why nothing gets done.

You’re right I’m not the same, my life’s not the same, but I have been working on it, working on myself. I’m starting to be financially self sufficient which is a big step to make my life better. Worries over money have really affected my mental health so I’m feeling positive about this going ahead. However I do feel like it’s completely destroyed my trust in people and caused me massive anxiety issues. I struggle to sleep and often lay awake til all hours worrying about what a mess he’s got in to and feeling guilty that this is the father I’ve give my kids, and I also have nightmares often. Then it’s a bad cycle of waking up tired, being run down and struggling generally. To then be wide awake anxious again that night.

[margot]

Sorry to hear of your husband’s addiction. My husband is also an addict. A recovering addict with over 3 years clean of all substances including alcohol which is of course a drug. We went through many ups and downs and he was in denial. Without telling you the whole story, everything came to a head. He was going to lose me, after many chances. I stuck to my guns and he went to NA. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to stop. He went initially to appease me. He went for a long time but continued to drink which of course led bk to drugs. But eventually through working the programme, attending regular meetings and getting service in NA he finally managed to stay clean. I drug tested him at first. Now I don’t need to but could if I wanted. Trust is back. But I will say this. The programme of NA is for life, just one day at a time. Hope you can gey your husband to get some help. Stick to your guns with what you say and let him know what b is at stake…..Meant to say, we have two daughters xx

[notmyrealname]

Thanks Margot, I love to read of your husbands recovery. It is wonderful to hear a bit of hope and a happy outcome for someone.

There’s been many ups and downs for us, but just too much disappointment. I feel I’ve tried the tough love, the supportive, understanding, trying not to judge, saying what I think, any approach -nothing works for too long. He’s thought he hit rock bottom. He’s tried the zoom meetings, spoke to doctor, tried anti depressants. Really feel out of options. So Sad, as he’s been determined (so he says) a couple of times but it’s a constant battle isn’t it. Take a little bit of Comfort from the good efforts at times but it’s like a job rather than a partnership.

[westy081]

It’s terrible what we’re all going through ! I was with my partner 30 years an just found out 2 weeks before Xmas he was having an affair ( he worked away) he’s on crack cocaine bad he’s a shell of himself an yes he’s still with her , spent Xmas an all with her ! It’s like me an r grown up kids an 5 grandkids never existed in his life ! He’s now lost his job I just can’t believe or get my head round this has happened, never in a million years did I think he could do any of this on us ????

[mammyessex]

I’m so sorry I’m still in shock too I don’t even know how to begin to get on with my life ????

[westy081]

I’m so lucky and fortunate I work full time an can afford the mortgage , bills etc on my own ! Some of these stories would break ur heart xx

[westy081]

It’s terrible what we’re all going through ! I was with my partner 30 years an just found out 2 weeks before Xmas he was having an affair ( he worked away) he’s on crack cocaine bad he’s a shell of himself an yes he’s still with her , spent Xmas an all with her ! It’s like me an r grown up kids an 5 grandkids never existed in his life ! He’s now lost his job I just can’t believe or get my head round this has happened, never in a million years did I think he could do any of this on us ????

[notmyrealname]

They will always find someone else to hang around with who will justify what they are doing. whether it’s a friend or a new partner, they surround themselves with people who won’t ‘judge’ their substance use and will join in or just not get in the way.

[sadtimes]

Hi, I am going through a similar experience. My husband had been using cocaine for 2 years before I found out. Absolutely devastating . We were in debt and I couldn’t understand why he said everything was expensive ect … . Again like you I keep falling for the excuses. My world has crumbled . I hope you are ok and getting support as I feel very lonely as I am ashamed to tell my friends ect. Sending you my support x

[donthaveaclue]

There is a lot of shame in it. It feels as if it stains you too even though you’re not using.

My one was a cocaine user, then switched to crack and now a full blown daily user of it… the problem is not only do I feel I have to keep his secret but he can’t access the help he needs without outing himself as a crack addict… so it’s like a viscious cycle.

[notmyrealname]

Hi donthaveaclue, how would you know if they switched from cocaine to crack?what would the signs be? As there’s been times he looks even worse than usual with even crazier eyes, like more red and even more blank and I’ve felt he could be taking something else, but it’s not every time. Is there a chance someone could alternate or is it a case of once they move on to crack that’s the next thing?

[notmyrealname]

Mine has also got in to serious debt several times and always managed to spin a sob story to someone new to manage to borrow money to get out of it. I thought he was heavily drinking on nights out, a few years ago, he was out a lot. Turned out he was taking cocaine and the nights out were running into the hundreds. Then he stopped going out I was pleased as by then he had told me what money was going on. Only then he started taking it at work, it turned into an every day thing. I can’t believe his employer hasn’t done anything as there is a whole bunch of them taking it daily at work and you can tell from looking at them that they’re on something.

[mammyessex]

Horrendous isn’t it I’m absolutely sick of it all never dreamed of ever dealing with this x huge hugs x

[notmyrealname]

Exactly, people say I wouldn’t stand for it. What does that even mean. It’s not like we went out and met them in this way. They’re already in then we find out they’re doing it. What are we supposed to do. I really don’t know what to do. I never dreamed I would live anything like this. But it wasn’t our choice and it’s really hard to get out of. Even if you leave you can’t get free of them if you had a home together, kids or other ties.

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