[midlandginge]

Can anyone else relate or help?

My partner’s family (specifically his dad and uncle) have a culture of daily heavy drinking which came from their father, and likely his father too. Life for my partner’s family growing up revolved around pubs and for his dad, the pub & football was made a priority even at family occasions or during holidays.

Because this was made a normality by my partner’s grandfather, who drank himself to death drinking alone in his local, my partner and his siblings have found it difficult to raise the issue of their dad’s alcohol dependency and it be met with any sort of seriousness or willingness to change. He drinks several pints of lager every day after work (he finishes at 2pm), doesn’t eat enough food due to feeling full, has been getting more visibly drunk, and is normality for him not to remember long periods of the night before.

What should have made this an easier realisation (although incredibly upsetting) is that his brother has been hospitalised for the past year with liver failure from a serious drinking addiction – brought on by lager drinking in pubs – and despite being in and out of hospital, still continues to drink. It is the sad fact that my partner’s uncle is dying in front of his dad’s eyes, and he knows it.

This is the part I really struggle with: His dad is a warm and approachable person who openly admits he drinks too much, but often this ‘acceptance’ is enough and an excuse to then do nothing about it. Shockingly, he says that his brother’s addiction and illness makes him realise that although he has a problem, ‘at least he’s not that bad’. His girlfriend of around a year also drinks with him which I doubt helps.

After a family occasion last night (my partner’s cousin’s birthday, I wasn’t there), the uncle was – God forbid why – allowed one beer to celebrate his son’s birthday. My partner had to carry him to his sofa. He is likely very ill this morning. Meanwhile, his brother had 15-20 beers throughout the course of the afternoon/evening, and could see the state his brother was in after just one. If this is not enough as a wake-up call, what could be? My partner stresses to his dad that it should be, but it simply isn’t acted on. This is a lifestyle deeply ingrained in him.

My partner seems to want to just ‘vent’ these issues to me rather than talk or seek advice. He said that his uncle will likely die soon and his dad will probably follow. To hear this was heartbreaking. How do I try and stop this cycle until it’s too late? How can I try and get someone to accept that this isn’t just a social norm? How do I get my partner to seek advice without forcing it on him? Do I approach my partner’s siblings who also worry? I really would like to try and help rather than simply sit back and watch a man slowly kill himself with no intervention.

Thank you for any advice.

[huddle]

My heart goes out to you. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today I didn’t drink and I’m ok. I darent dwell too much on my past. I lost my kids for 4 years, lost jobs, money and self respect. My husband is a very heavy drinker and it breaks my heart watching him but you have to take care of you. Write your partner a letter explaining how his drinking makes you feel. You could ask him to seek help. Don’t enable him or buy him drink. He needs to READ how his choices are affecting you and his siblings but he won’t stop until he realises what he stands to lose. You must keep well yourself, find a hobby, go out with friends. Tell him you are there for him and you all love him but hate what the drink is doing to him. I wish you all the best.

[Author]

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