[winnie]

Found out in the spring, after partner was unable to contribute the usual money to the household bills since September as he was in debt, that he has a cocaine problem. We’ve been separated since January due to lying, debt issues, his foul temper, borrowing money and building up more debt. He led me to believe he had a gambling problem at first but finally confessed.

We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids under 10. The problem seems to have developed over two years and be escalating with money now going missing, fraud, theft. He’s so far got away with these things due to family covering, deciding not to press charges. Initially I thought he had depression as I’d noticed the foul moods and lack of energy in the daytime at weekends.

The family home is in both our names, and I’ve been living there with the kids since January but he occasionally (when he’s coming down I think) announces that it is his house and moving back in, whether I like it or not. He then probably gets some more coke and goes back to reasonable and is all apologetic.

He tried to defraud his mother of some money from a payday loan company and signed her up as a guarantor. Luckily she found this and stopped it. She told him this by text when we were on a weekend away, the weekend just gone. He basically didn’t get up on the Sunday and then refused to go home, saying how down and suicidal he felt. He wanted me to leave him there but there’s no way I’m leaving him in a vulnerable state miles from home. In the end I bribed him with money to get him to come (Stupid me). Had not a care in the world that the kids would not have time to settle in before school the next day.

Also been trying to get him to go to cocaine anonymous meeting which he agreed to but we got there and the venue wasn’t open. Later on his come down he was telling me he wasn’t going to any meeting to keep anyone else happy, he wants to die but doesn’t have the courage to end things. Think its worse sometimes getting hope of getting him better and then the hopes are dashed. Me and his mother have tried encouraging hobbies, days out, weekends away but nothing seems to work.

His mood has been sour all week with him telling me he is going to be living back at home yesterday. I ignored this. He’s been living very close by with his parents. His Mum messaged me yesterday evening to say that he had hurled a plate of food down the stairs at her so me and kids would probably have to come and stay with her. I got there and he was locked in his room. Suggested he go to ours and get some space but he was going mad about his Mum, swearing, awful language. He then smashes things in the room opened the door and pretended to pee on the floor. I called the police who came and arrested him at our home by the time they had arrived and spoken to us.

Drugs weren’t mentioned to the police. It felt bad to ‘dob’ him in but I’ve been wondering for a while if a shock might help make him realise this is serious. I also kept emphasising his mental state to the police and whether he could be assessed. I don’t want him to lose his job though as it is the one thing that he likes, which he would do if the drugs were known about. He messaged me in the early hours of this morning telling me a pack of lies about how the police have told him he can live in the family home, and wasn’t sorry at all about what he did. I’ve told him that the police said that they could make an order there and then to ban him from the family home for 30 days but I said I’d see how it goes…but no he’s not seeing that I’ve chosen to give him a chance. He’s refusing to acknowledge that the cocaine is causing the problems and instead seems to chose to blame me or his mother (the ones that are trying to help him). He sees himself as the hard done one and me and his mother are now the enemies for trying to stop him from having his lovely drug.

I feel like my real, funny, genuine, kind and conscientious partner is gone and we’re left with a selfish, obsessed vampire/zombie who only has thoughts for his next hit. I worry for my kids. They’re now reliant on my income only and day to day care as he is in massive debt, cocaine is expensive and he’s just unreliable and lazy with domestic life. Its so cruel that the rest of his family have to suffer due to the addiction. I need a plan to deal with it all and stay sane. Wondering at the moment whether it is best to run somewhere he won’t find us or stay and watch the inevitable car crash while involving police when its necessary:( If I go then have no job or home which I have worked hard for though. I also don’t want to make him my enemy for my kids sake, and as we occasionally see the real, old him who I’m very fond of.

We think we found his dealer on facebook due to some comments my partner had made…appears to be a family man, two kids. Its so wrong that my family can suffer to keep his on foreign holidays. Makes me sick to my stomach. really interested in hearing how families with an addicted parent have coped. Going to a local support group soon

[cally1001]

Hi Winnie

So sorry to hear your story.

So similar to mine, we didn’t have kids thank god so I don’t know how you cope.

Not going into any details as it’s all been said before if you read my messages but my ONLY advice is to run, run as far away as you can.

People may say that’s not right and you should make your own decisions etc but believe me from the heart the coke has won.

My divorce came through in June and I am so happy as I have no financial ties now; the man has spent in total 58k since December I kid you not

I had a wonderful caring kind husband but when it got to the point he was on the couch and his nose literally coming out in a tissue and he thought I was the devil in his psychosis I realised he was gone.

I don’t like to talk too much on here as it’s hard when you are going through things but if you want I can send my number and we can have a chat.

It’s a very cruel drug and I would not wish it on my enemy.

It gets better but it takes time a long time somprepare yourself I won’t sugar coat it.xx

[lc100]

So sorry to read what you and your children are going through.

My husband (seperated) has a cocaine problem, I don’t feel like it’s quite at the stage your husbands is, but I can certainly relate to losing the person you fell in love with and having them replaced by a selfish zombie that only seems to care about themself.

My husband cannot see that he has a problem, and I think that in itself will only make the problem worse, I confronted him on it a few days ago for him to pull a face as if I had grown an extra head although he didn’t actually deny it.

I didn’t really get a choice in how to deal with my situation, my husband chose to leave as he wasn’t happy though he has never been able to tell me why he wasn’t happy. Prior to him leaving I’d been aware that on a handful of occasions over the space of a couple of years he’d taken coke, whenever I confronted him he always played it down and it is only since the separation from other people that I am finding out how much more regular that was (it fits in with the fact a lot of our arguments centred round him going out “binge drinking” at times every weekend and never coming home after/being zombie like when he did). I thought he had depression at one point, though I suspect that was more likely a change in mood as an aftermath. I recently found out that he has started seeing someone else and I’m certain that she is far more accepting (if not also participating) of his habit. I don’t think he left me for her, he left me to enable his lifestyle as I won’t do that, specially with children involved.

It’s heart breaking seeing/worrying about the effect this will have on the kids having to grow up with this a part of their lives but all you can do is focus on you and them.

Like I said, I didn’t have a choice as such, but ultimately I would always have chosen what is best for my children and unfortunately right now it is not a life with their dad. It will get easier, stay strong, focus on you and your children and keep giving them the very best you can, ultimately you will be better off and happier and it will be true happiness and not a fake happiness from a toxic source xx

[Author]

Posts