How to feel about it?

This is something I spend a huge amount of time wondering about and which has caused friction in my family. To be honest, I go back and forth at different times. In my case, the addict in my family abuses coke as well as alcohol. I know with drugs they can completely change brain synapses and hormones, so it is much harder for them to make sound judgements. And surely no rational person would ‘choose’ to live in filth, have no money, be isolated and live in constant fear of dealers. But then sometimes I think maybe he chooses that because it’s easier than dealing with the responsibilities of a ‘normal’ adult life with thousands of decisions and interactions each day. I get frustrated as my parents are definitely in the ‘illness’ camp, and I feel they are absolving him of responsibility, and I also see this in how they’ve treated him generally (he is the youngest child, got away with more etc).

I think it’s normal for you to feel conflicted about this. Sometimes I feel blind rage at what he’s doing to himself and my family and I think he’s irresponsible. Sometimes I feel desperate sadness and it seems obvious it’s an illness. What I struggle with is working in a healthcare setting where there are people who are terminally physically ill – literally nothing can be done for them. Whereas addiction can be treatable, plenty of people go on to recover so why can’t they start making better decisions?

Sorry, quite rambly! It feels like a lot tonight

Absolutely. Before my brother got ill I was firmly in the ‘addiction is an illness’, compassionate camp. But seeing their behaviour up close can test that theory, especially when they’re treating elderly relatives terribly for example. Having therapy has helped me feel less guilty about these thoughts, and that it’s ok to be angry and frustrated with addicted relatives.

I suppose with physical illnesses, people still have to stick to treatments, and to want to get better. I have clinical depression (not helped by my brother, sigh), but I’ve got better at managing it with self help, meds and therapy. I feel that I’ve taken responsibility for my illness, and it can still get really bad, but I put effort in. I get frustrated with my brother having the option of getting help but not taking it up. Even if it’s just going through the motions of logging into an online meeting and trying the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach.

So useful to hear from someone else feeling the same way

Hi ya, I feel I’ve been where you are. I felt like I tried every avenue to try and support my drinking husband…shouting, monitoring, soothing…. I lost myself. I didnt start to acknowledge this wasn’t the path. I went to Al anon which was the first time I admitted it was out of my control. I have a daughter and sadly clutched onto the idea we could be a happy family. I’ve not got tonnes of things right but detaching helped my sanity. Still I clutch at a hope but my relationship has fallen apart, since I’ve tried not to manage the situation. I’ve not the answers you want but would encourage a support group to guide you to whats normal and whats not. Just don’t lose yourself to something you cant control. I hope for your family you find a future you want.

You are not alone in asking those questions. Living and loving anyone who has an addiction is incredibly difficult and puts you on a never ending emotional roller coaster. So the answer of how to react is all of the above. I know from sad experience with my partner who is an alcoholic in total denial.

As to it being an illness or choice I am currently in the camp of it being a choice. People don’t choose to be ill, i know as I watched my mum succumb to cancer and she would have given anything to have not had that awful disease. However, if you make life choices such as smoke, drink or do drugs knowing that they will impact your physical and mental health then that is your choice to make, and also your choice to stop and get help before the consequences become irreversible.

It comes down to the addict taking personal responsibility for their actions and asking for help. If they choose to do neither then no one else can help them.

The only person you can help is yourself. You have to focus on you and not their addiction. It’s hard to do, however it empowers you and breaks the cycle of enabling / codependecy which ultimately helps them.

Remember, if they fall don’t pick them up. They have to suffer the consequences of their actions to make them want to change.

Gg

How do I post a question

hi HOLKAT I’m totally with you on this and i think its the way addiction gets you . I find is so frustrating and get so angry when i hear how much our family member wants to stop drinking himself into and early grave but refuses to fully engage with the professional help and support that’s being offered too him . I get so angry when he sits at my house in tears asking for help and then lies about taking it any further than a telephone call and then excuse after excuse not to reengage with them on a regular basis . It feels like he is choosing alcohol over reason every time , i said too him a few weeks ago if hitting your hand with a big hammer hurts stop doing it , but then i remember he is an addict it is an illness .

The problem comes in the support or the enablement its hard to stop doing that under the guise that its an illness and they need help , the enablement has to stop because it is an illness not increase , the help has to come from them wanting it , and im not sure my family member is ready . My concern is where will he be and how far will he fall before he is ready ??? if at all

Hi Holcat,

Thank you for posting and I’m glad that you don’t feel so alone now you have found this forum.

If you would like more support you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity set up to support the family members around those with addictions. we know how difficult it is to cope. If you get in touch one of our family Friends would talk with you. they are good listeners and would understand what you are going through. Talking with one of them might help you to answer some of your questions and make sense of how you are feeling. the Family Friend would also be able to let you know what other support we could offer.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Good luck with everything.

Hi. I am new to this forum. My 29 year old son is a drug addict. I also don’t know how to treat. I have given him the mum wings treatment but believe this is not the right thing now as it hasn’t worked. The crisis team and mental health team kept saying I was only enabling him. He has psychosis which is a heartbreaking thing to see. I have made the huge decision to stop enabling him and let him hit rock bottom. Don’t know where that rock bottom is going to be but, will be there when he falls. Drugs or alchohol start as a choice. It makes them ill so it’s a mixture of both. Yes, they still have choices and help but can only overcome if they want to. As loved ones, we will beat ourselves up and blame ourselves. Cry endlessly and forget our own happiness.

Bea58, sorry to hear about your son. I’m experiencing similar with my brother who is around the same age as your son. He also has psychosis with his cocaine and alcohol abuse, also under the crisis team. Here if you want to talk – it is unbearably hard coping with seeing them go through both hideous conditions

I can really identify with how you are feeling as I am having the same internal debate. My husband has just relapsed after around 3 weeks off alcohol. He has once again been lying to me and hiding his drinking from me. I had a good chat with my best friend about it who is very upset about the impact his decisions are having on me and she feels very strongly that he is choosing to drink and therefore choosing to upset me. I know that if the roles were reversed I would be saying the same thing to her.

However the research I am doing clearly points to the illness making these decisions and that my husband is simply not capable of making good choices when he is so addicted. I know that he is a wonderful person and he is more miserable than anyone about the situation. I just don’t know if I am making excuses for him when I should be holding him accountable.

NaNs what you have described is exactly the dilemma I feel that I am in. My husband has just lost his job due to drinking. He waited 6 weeks before telling me. He has finally admitted he has a problem and told the children. He says he is stopping and hasn’t had a drink for 2 days. But now I feel stuck. I want him to be proactive in getting help as I know he won’t get through this on his own but I don’t know how much I should push. He’s already getting annoyed and saying that I’m nagging 🙁

I do believe it is an illness, some people have an addictive trait. My husband comes from a family who all suffer from some kind of addiction, mostly alcohol. I don’t have that trait. I enjoy a drink and can stop and have a cup of tea. I used to get so angry at my husbands drinking. Now l am angry because of the way he talks to me. Hopi k pick picks spoiling for a row. He was criticizing my driving so much one day that l pulled up so hard that l nearly put him through the windscreen. That’s what’s ares me is my anger and l am not usually that way. I want to enjoy every day not have this heavy cloud hanging over me.

Hi Holkat,

I think what you’re feeling is completely natural and that addiction and choice are actually so intertwined you don’t know where one ends and the other begins.

On bad days I think it’s obviously a choice to put the drug in your system, no one forces them to, they weren’t born needing it and lived a life pre addiction where they existed without it.

But then on other days I think nobody in their right mind would chose to be an addict and how awful it must be to have a compulsion you can’t control. Something that makes you into a shadow of the person you used to be, causes you to lose so many things and jeopardises relationships.

I suppose the nature of addiction is it creeps up on a person, what can go from recreational or social use of alcohol or drugs can slowly become a coping mechanism and a crutch. What once was a choice becomes a necessity and the fear of losing that crutch is greater than the fear of losing jobs, their home, friends and family.

But then ultimately they have to chose to fight their addiction with all the treatment options there are available. People can recover from addiction, whereas sadly people with some physical illnesses don’t have the option of treatment and recovery.

Essentially I’m just as confused about this conundrum as you! Make sure you take some time out for yourself though, self care is important x

Gosh I could have written your last post myself.

My partner has always liked a drink, but never got drunk. He had a breakdown and the anti depressants increase alcohol in his system.

August 2019, he started drinking shorts. Rum and then vodka. A small amount and he gets drunk. I feel guilty for not making him come off them. I knew what they’d do as he was on them years back and alcohol didn’t mix back them.

I just kept saying he should make the right choice. Not sure he was in the right headspace at all to do so.

A year on, he’s agreed to rehab. It’s been a lot of sweet talking and encouragement, but he’s agreed and wants it. Hasn’t stopped him drinking. I know it’s an illness. The addiction sets in….but, I still believe there’s an element of choice. He says he drinks outta habit. Sunday’s for example, he doesn’t always drink cos he knows he has work Monday. Thousands have people have stopped drinking, so there is an element of choice I do think.

Maybe that makes me feel better cos it breaks my heart to think of it as an illness.

Rehab will be months and months off, if he does get a place.

Since last year, he was furloughed five months which spiralled his drinking, and then he’s had times he’s been sent home from work. Now he’s had a gross misconduct.

I feel numb now. Hatred at times. I used to search for bottles and cover, but not now. It’s on him.

I feel like I’m losing out on my life. I wanted kids and it’s not happening. Not fully cos of his drinking, but partly that. I worry like you, that if I left, how he would cope. I don’t think it would stun him into stopping. It would do the opposite and he would drink more and give up.

I recently read up on codependency. I am definately a lot of that and it sounds like you are too. I am now practicing detachment which in turn should help stop the codependency. A friend recently gave me advice that she got from a counceller…..you cannot change another person, only yourself. I know for sure l am my husbands crutch and safety net. I think he feared a seizure on Monday so has not had a drink since then. I did not ask. I am no longer going to ask if he’s taken his pills etc and l must not falter because as soon as l do and he feels better in will come a case of beer, highest alcohol content he can get. It happens every time. I am actually an expat so not on lockdown. I am doing a trip on my own this month meeting up with other ladies from my home town so he can get on with it. I just hope he remembers to let the dog out.

Hey there, I’m now 101 days clean from cocaine after 11 years of using. I hated the stuff in the end and it’s still early days now. I decided to join cocaine anonymous 101 days ago and I’ve been clean ever since.

Now going back to your question.. Is it a disease or not. Its a hard one this. I’m sure it been proven it is. My gf always tells me just say no to it. She does. But it’s not as simple as this.

In AA and CA and in the book, there is bits in it we’re we addicts have an allergy to drugs and drink. This never made sence to me until recently. But for example, my gf will have a drink, she will stop about midnight, she’s had coke in the past, will probably have 1 tiny bit. I have met lots of people who are the same. Now me.. I’d be drinking untill 6am or until its gone, I’d be getting taxis to late shops to buy it if ran out. I would of bought 4 bags of coke, literally be crying when it’s ran out and suicidal. This is were the allergy comes in, where us addicts react different to drugs and alcohol were as others don’t. We have an allergic reaction and it send us off the rails. If you watch a really bad addict and watch him deteriorate slowly over the years. It is like an illness and we can make it better, through meetings and not taking these substances.

I guess there are 2 sides to everything and it is up for debate. My gf hates it when I tell her it’s a disease and she goes mad lol.

I’m not trying to convert you into believing it is, the allergy explanation has me believing it is, but that’s my opinion.

Then I’ve seen a video we’re a guy says, if you have a heroin addict who has heroin in his hand, and you have a gun to his head, and you say.. If u take the heroin I will shoot you dead.. He’s not going to use. So we do have a choice.

You can’t do that with heart disease ect..

So it’s a tricky one.

If you really want to quit, you will try anything, I tried everything, I’d come up with plans in the week how to do it. I bought 2 safes to put my phone and car keys in, delete dealers nums, hypnotherapy. I could go on all day. But there is the devil on my shoulder also working away around these.

You don’t sound awful at all. Us addicts put are partners through way to much crap. And we need to put ourselfs in there positions as well. Some guys go missing for 4 days when I’ve read post on here. Imagine the stress it puts on partners. Why the hell should you stick around weather it’s an illness or not.

This is my opinion, if the addict is not prepared to admit he has a problem or she. And is not willing to try and get help, why should the partner stick around and ruin your life aswell. I guess it’s each to there own, and when u love some one you just want to do the best for them and want them to be better, it’s hard I understand.

So whats he like now? Does he drink alot? Is he trying to quit? Has he joined aa?

I think it’s good when partners stick around during bad times like these. Because we have to think would we do it if it was the other way round, and you shouldnt give up on people. So please don’t think suggesting to move on lol.

If you watch dr gabor I think his name is on you tube. He’s done loads of studies and addictions are from a childhood trauma. This is why on one of the steps off AA, step 4 is resentments. I had a lot towards my dad as he was scary with his temper and emotional abuse. Sorry if I have already said this I’ve spoke to so many people on here I forget lol. And we need to move on from these resentments. My sponsor said its like having hot coal in your hand. You need to let go or its gonna keep hurting you.

Another step is step 8 I think is were we make amends to people we have harmed. It’s like a cleansing working these steps and frees us from self pity and resentment.

I don’t know the full ins and outs. But it doesn’t seem that much, a lot of people have a few cans after work and a glass of wine. My mum n dad have done it for years and they are just normal average people. A lot of signs were it is bad is hiding beer around the house, shakes ect.. He’s not on spirits is he? So the unit intake is not to bad. He might be going for a walk then having a drink because he don’t want to upset you. And just fancys a beer. But then doing this is sneaking off to have a drink because u need one. But I don’t want to be making assumptions here. Only you can judge this.

I understand why your doing it, and you want to knock it on the head now before it’s too late. Just keep and eye on him and have a quiet chat. See if he will cut it down to a few cans on sat maybe. But this is entirely up to you. Just go with what u think is best.

God’s honest truth she’s not really supportive. I say I’m 3 months clean now, she just mumbles well done, 3 of her mates have put more effort in and said they are proud of me and that cheered me up. She’s been on coke with me a few times, but won’t have it now. Her friend has coke aswell and she is my trigger sometimes when she’s at mine, but she still invites her round knowing I will have coke with her. So she’s not that supportive. But then again she’s had enough. So I can’t blame her. I’ve told her none of her mates can come for a while now. She has to go theres. Lol.

Bloody hell I’m suprised he is not worse than this with his past. Such a shame losing him mum so early.

I’m no expert but this more or less likely makes him like this with drink. It’s the classic drink and forget about it all. But alcohol is a depressant and makes it worse.

I’ve seen people share were they have been sexual abused by there parents and they have had to forgive them. One woman, her own mum kept on locking her under the sink as a kid and was hitting her. And I’m talking for hours maybe longer. And she forgave her.

Each to there own though. But it is suppose to help us move on and not let them win if this makes sence. Being the better person. Because if we don’t it effects the addict and all the family around.

I just read a a book called the twins of auswich, about the concentration camp, and the German doctor who was called the angel of death. He tortured twins and had an obsession with them, doing all sorts of experiments on them. Anyway in the book, she goes back to the auswich camp and forgives this doctor mengele, because she needed to move on, and that some people are just ill and we need to pray for them. And she felt so much better when she did. I guess it just don’t have to work in recovery aswell.

But everyone is different some people just are beyond forgiveness.

You probably have tried it already but just sit down both of you and talk amicably about it and meet each other half way, and set some healthy boundarys. Tell him its making you ill and you want to work as a team and build for the future together.

Thanks for your lovely comments, I’ve been coming on here about 2 year now I think and talking to you and others on here helps me in my recovery so much. So thanks ❤️

It’s a bit strange how he just gets all defensive when you just ask him calmly. It’s probably because he was desperate for a drink.

It’s going to be a struggle with alcohol it’s everywhere. They say the biggest drug dealers are the government selling it. But joining a support group is a good idea and will help you and take some weight off your shoulders. Did he get the beer then from the supermarket?

Ive had a good weekend thanks. We went blackpool yesturday for my daughters 10th bday, she wanted to see the sunset over the beach, and it was great just being soba watching her face. ❤️

It’s a bit strange how he just gets all defensive when you just ask him calmly. It’s probably because he was desperate for a drink.

It’s going to be a struggle with alcohol it’s everywhere. They say the biggest drug dealers are the government selling it. But joining a support group is a good idea and will help you and take some weight off your shoulders. Did he get the beer then from the supermarket?

Ive had a good weekend thanks. We went blackpool yesturday for my daughters 10th bday, she wanted to see the sunset over the beach, and it was great just being soba watching her face. ❤️

It sounds like he wants to drink and he thinks your over the top, that’s just my opinion so I could be wrong.

The problem with someone who doesn’t want to quit, he won’t want to lean on you for comfort or to talk. If he did he would be doing everything possible and talking to you. My gf isn’t supportive like you come across. But I don’t know what he’s thinking if he really wants to stop or not.

Is he back now? Where does he go? Does he go a friends house?

I know what u mean back to square one. I’m dreading relapsing. Because this is the furthest I’ve got and to relapse i would be gutted.

Just go with your gut instinct if you think he is up to something that normally is right. Well sometimes. Or just have a civil convo whats he been up to and that.

Thanks for that, she had a lot of fun. I just hope it continues.

I know what you mean that you just want the best for him. But then it’s that old saying.. About taking a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink it. It’s mad how many people drink after work and don’t think they have a problem. Like a can or 2 after a bath at night and that. You do end up relying on it.

It’s natural to ponder things, we all do it and question things I wouldn’t worry about it. It just shows we care.

Your right it is like counselling haha. But it does work talking to others and venting your frustration or even helping others. I always say that one person can just say one thing and it can change your life. I’m probably going over the top here, but it’s true. That’s why I’ve always come on here, it helps me and if I can give some good advice, both see the benefits.

Thanks so much for that it means a lot ❤️x

I know what you mean that you just want the best for him. But then it’s that old saying.. About taking a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink it. It’s mad how many people drink after work and don’t think they have a problem. Like a can or 2 after a bath at night and that. You do end up relying on it.

It’s natural to ponder things, we all do it and question things I wouldn’t worry about it. It just shows we care.

Your right it is like counselling haha. But it does work talking to others and venting your frustration or even helping others. I always say that one person can just say one thing and it can change your life. I’m probably going over the top here, but it’s true. That’s why I’ve always come on here, it helps me and if I can give some good advice, both see the benefits.

Thanks so much for that it means a lot ❤️x