[hopeful]

Hi,

I’m new to this forum and would love any advice. I’ve recently met and fallen in love with a wonderful man. We now live together and life is fantastic – we both enjoy each other and are families and I see a solid and loving future with him. The one catch is he is addicted to coke. He was honest pretty much from the get go, although not the extent. In the past month he had a relapse and it followed by ten days of arguments, deceit and self loathing. I tried approaching from different angles, angry, caring, distant but none seemed to be right. After a lovely holiday with family he is in a much better place, back to the man I know and love but a quick drink at the pub triggered him and he took some. He wants so bad to stop but is not quite ready to seek help. Ive resolved to be patient – he has been more open and honest since his relapse about when he is struggling or when he has done it, but knows that I have a limit. Does anyone have any advice on the best ways to support him and encourage help? Thanks so much

[danman83]

Hope your ok.. im in the same situation as your partner. 1st he really does need want to quit.

Alcohol is a no no.. when addicted to coke. Its the main trigger to get it.

If he wants to stop he needs to not drink at all tbh. How often is he having and using?

You dont always have to get help. But if he is not. He needs to change his daily routine around and change his life around. Take up a new set of hobbies. And implement them in his life. Its hard, and ive lapsed this weekend. I feel broken again. But i just have to get back on track.

I cant stand the stuff, and wish i never even set my eyes on it. Ive been reading books on addiction and listening to stories. That helps me alot. Feel free to ask me out

[hopeful]

Thanks so much for your message and I’m sorry you’re struggling.

I think he does want to get help, but I think he’s scared to dive right in and face it… which is understandable.

He doesn’t actually drink too much, we’ve been avoiding quite a bit and it’s seemed to have been working. Like I said in the last post, it was the pub that was the trigger. When he’s at home and having a glass of wine he’s ok. I agree with changing the routine up. I’m trying to get him into a new hobby but we’ve had a few holidays recently and so think he wants to focus on getting back into work first. Before he met me he said (when we started talking about it more) that he was doing it nearly everyday and you can imagine the amount he spent. Now he has been relapsing (small amounts) every 2-3 weeks.

Another trigger I’ve noticed is that if I’m not there. Tonight I have dinner with friends and he called me to let me know he’s struggling today. I asked him if he wanted me to go home instead but he said no. I did think in the back of my head that this might happen, but I also need to not let him become dependant on me – for both him and me – I need my independence and life. I do think it’s a good sign that he called and volunteered that information, he wants to be honest about it because I’ve asked him to.

I’m glad that you’ve found a way to help – I stopped drinking for a year a couple of years ago and found that reading other’s stories etc helped me a lot. I think my boyfriend is the opposite – he wouldn’t want to delve in fear that it would just all consume him if that makes sense?

How are you feeling now?

[danman83]

Ye im really good now thanks.. that regarding were you are out and hes saying hes struggling. 1 its really good hes telling you this. Just tell you be home soon and give him something to do to keep him self busy.. tell him tidy up or something and listen to some music.

When my gf is out i feel the same. I think its because were on our own and bored.

But coke will play so many games with you in trying to make you to buy it. Its like a devil and angel on your shoulder.

Personally i wouldnt drink at all.

And if he is lapsing every 2 or 3 week. He needs be aware of this and plan for it coming and do something to keep him busy.

Im listening to alan charles on podcast niw and ive bought his book.. walking out the other side.. he had a coke addiction for 24 years and is now 11 years clean. Tell him just listen to one or buy his book. And read a bit a day. They really help peoples recovery stories.

[hopeful]

So glad you’re doing better now. He ended up going to the pub while I was out for dinner last night and found someone who gave him a couple of lines.

This morning he has said that he’s open to help and that he’s really had enough of this. So I’m looking up a few options to take home to him on a one-pager… telephone counselling, local groups etc.

I know this is going to be a process and so don’t want to overwhelm (and he may possibly retract his want for help) but I feel positive if he has a couple of tools at least to think about…

I’m going to tell him about the book and the podcast also – will also read and listen myself!

Thanks!

[icarus-trust]

Hi Hopeful,

So sorry to read your post. You sound really really supportive to your boyfriend but Danman’s right he’s really got to want to get help before he will be able to.

However, if you would like support for yourself , The Icarus Trust, a charity supporting people dealing with the addiction of family members, provides experienced trained people, who would listen to you and understand. This might help you.

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you and your bofriend.

[danman83]

Honest they are great.. these stories of people…i mean they have really hit rock bottom… its just makes you aware do i really want to be like that.

[georgia26]

Honestly, you cant help or do anything, he must want to do it, until he wants to he absolutely wont change.

I was in your position as well – its the worst thing ever isnt it, being angry, distance, nice – none of it works, the cocaine will come first, the thing is you need to do is not blame yourself and dont think youre not good enough because its not that at all.

Until he is serious about quitting, even him saying “hes open” to getting help, personally seems like he isnt 100% in it. I think that this will go on for some time, until he hits rock bottom and then he will put his hands up and beg for help, because thats what needs to happen.

The counselling/CA groups etc wont work, if hes not 100% invested.

He needs to stop drinking completely, as thats a huge trigger.

I went through this for months on end with my OH – it broke me down, until i felt mentally ill myself, i blamed myself for not being good enough.

honestly just dont be naive about it, its a disease after all and sometimes incurable (which sounds scary as hell) but apparently its incurable and just “managed” ive read so much up on it.

my OH does addiction counselling now which focuses on anxiety/addiciton – it is helping.

my true advice – if youve only just met, and you have no ties and hes not willing to invest in this – honestly walk away, i wish i had. This will go on and on and it spirals out of control, you end up losing everything (and actually the person changes completely) as thats number 1, before kids, work, YOU.

Seriously, it sounds negative – but read some threads on here – people not willing to stop and sort of want to, dont, it gets out of control and they get into debt and marriages break down.

youve absolutely come to the right place though – as we can all support you.

be strong – put yourself first <3 read up online, watch some YouTube stuff. Dont let his addiction consume your life though , because it will..

xxx Good luck

[georgia26]

my OH was crying broken before he really stopped and woke up, he went missing for 2 days and was found by paramedics on a bench suicidal – rock bottom for him that was and i truly think it takes something like that to wake people up from their addiction. Does your boyfriend suffer with depression/anxiety at all? usually its all linked.

[hopeful]

Hi Danman, Georgia,

I hope you’re both well. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to reply Georgia. I really really appreciate your post and I’ve taken everything on board.

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. After a pretty quick spiral he finally asked for support and help and has gone to rehab for 28 days.

He has been in for a week now and seems to be doing well. They let me see him on the weekend, thought it would be good for him. He seems really positive. He was honest and said that of course he had bad days / hours and that some of the sessions he didn’t necessarily find helpful. The biggest change I noticed was how communicative he was and also that he listened to me and seemed to really want to take everything I said seriously and consider it.

I met quite a few of his fellow peers which I’m really grateful for. He’s in a mixed group – alcoholics, cocaine users and others. He has quickly become a popular member of the house (he’s very charismatic) and seems to be thriving through helping others at the same time. He says he wants to connect with a sponsor when he’s out and start going to regular meetings, and also become sober.

He’s now allowed his phone in the evening which is also good. He got it back last night – it was interesting because he seemed to not really want to use it. He called me when he got it and sounded very happy.

Personally in the last week I’ve struggled since he’s been gone. I think the last six weeks have just taken its toll on me and I crashed. I was worried and concerned but hearing how well he’s doing has made me feel much better. I am aware though that I have been getting quite anxious still. I think a new issue has come up in my head around when he does come home. I still feel pretty fragile and can get quite emotional randomly – Im not quite my bubbly self and find it hard to do simple things as normal – which is definitely not like me. My appetite had decreased and I’m not doing my normal exercise or socialising. I guess a new fear is that he’s going to start this journey and leave me behind. Perhaps we ended up in a co-dependent relationship!

I understand that the most important thing is to focus on himself, and my main hope was that he just gets better. The logical thinker in me knows that I need to take care of myself and focus on what I like to do also, but the emotional / anxious part of me just can’t seem to shake my thoughts – which seem to repeat over and over. Of course I don’t want to put any pressure on him with this. I was honest when I saw him that I had struggled last week but was much better. I guess the fact that he didn’t seem to stay on the phone that long last night kind of made me feel a bit neglected and then worried that he will be having second thoughts….

Another offload for you!

I hope you are both doing well x

[georgia26]

Hey..

I am glad hes gone into rehab and finally accepted he needs help. Since my last piece of advice – my partner relapsed 3 times. I was absolutely devastated.

hes made some changes now, we will see.

I get what you mean, the anxiety changes you as a person but honestly it will subside, the best thing you can do is not live in a dream world like i did – thinking its all gonna be ok and it isnt gonna happen again, you need to accept and prepare yourself for relapses, as its going to happen.

do things you enjoy, go to the gym – get out and have YOU time, its so important.. honestly, youll make yourself ill.

I wish i could give you some better advice really, but i dont really get it myself – its just the worst thing ever to go through.

get out socialising and keep yourself busy

sending lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx

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