[devoncath]

I’ve been in a relationship for a fairly short while although we knew each other a little longer.

It has been one of those “wow, I can’t believe how fast I feel so comfortable around you in the best way” journeys. (That was quoting what he said a few times)

I’ve had the BEST time when we are together but I was never quite sure if he had a bit of fluff around when we weren’t together. We had a “No secrets” deal because we had gotten together previously and he disappeared into thin air when he was shocked by how quickly he had feelings for me. When we first met, neither of us was looking for a relationship, it kinda happened all by itself. He was waiting for his flat purchase to finalise at that time, so was still a little in limbo with building hid new life. So I get that.

When we got back in touch I took a lot of persuading to trust him not to do the same again. So we promised to be open about stuff and if either of us was freaked or bothered, we would share.

I told him I felt he was evasive at times and it made me feel he had something to hide – were there other women in his bed when I wasn’t. He reassured me many times he had no interest in other women.

Fast forward, we found ourselves spending 4 or 5 nights out of the week under the same roof. He came to lunch with my parents on Fathers Day at his suggestion. (His father sadly passed when he was 11)

We were good.

Except the “other women” actually turned out to be cocaine. To the extent that I got a call just over a week ago saying he couldn’t come anywhere near the town he lives in as he owed so much money his life was in danger.

I went into auto-pilot. Someone I cared about was in crisis and danger and I could help….. why wouldn’t I. I hid him for 3 days until his family raised money to pay the debt off. We had very open, honest talks during that time. He was of course withdrawing and incredibly scared. He was adamant he wanted rehab.

So, on the day it was paid off, I came home to an empty house as he had been able to return home and since then it’s been a roller coaster of him keeping me at arms length because he’s “Hurt me enough and can’t drag me through this horrific journey ahead” and then telling me he would do anything for one of my hugs. He rings me and sometimes chats and chats, then sometimes can’t face it and rings off before I can answer. Sometimes he messages a lot and sometimes hardly anything. He’s asked to see me quite a few times during the week but each time has cancelled because “I can’t hurt you again by disappearing, I must be ready”

I’ve done nothing but say it’s ok every time.

I’ve told him I’m always here, 24/7 and I will never let him down.

On Wednesday when he cancelled, I took a big casserole with loads of dumplings and left it on his doorstep because I know he won’t be looking after himself. He sent a huge thank you, followed an hour later by an “it was very, very good, thank you.”

I arranged a rehab appointment which he attended today and he also saw his GP today so he’s done amazingly well.

He’s also contacted his closest friends this week and told them about his addiction and that he’s taking steps to sort it

I’m so proud of him.

But at the same time I’m really hurt and struggling to cope with repeated cancelled attempts at seeing each other. I get it, and I don’t want to push him or force the issue. I know he is very fragile.

But so am I. What we went through last week was way, way, out of my normal lifestyle. He went through the process and went home and hunkered down, but I haven’t been able to talk to him about the whole episode since he’s been safe. Is that selfish of me?

I’m trying so hard not to put any pressure on, but when he’s so desperate for a hug but won’t allow us to meet because he’ll just “keep on hurting me” and I miss him. Terribly.

I don’t know how I should feel or how to cope with it.

I haven’t taken any time off work this week, but it’s been hard.

Tonight when u came out of work I had a flat tyre and that, THAT was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Coping mechanism broken!

I aim to try and attend local support sessions next week but am I being unfair in feeling so confused and hurt by all the cancelled arrangements?

I’ve read lots of stories here and you mostly all have a much longer history of these difficulties than me, so I feel a bit of a whinger. Lots of love, strength and respect to you all xx

[doctors-wife]

Cath,

What a lovely story of commitment and love in the most difficult of times. Sounds like this man doesn’t want to hurt you and recognises that he can’t not hurt you. he wants you but he doesn’t want to hurt you, so he hurts you by not seeing you. An addicts life is a mess and anti lit’s sorted out so will yours be.

Agree boundaries (? only texting/writing/messaging) whilst you seek medical/social/emotional support for yourself and he goes to rehab.

If you love him best thing you can do is look after yourself, give him some distance and wait. If you can.

Expect to be hurt, disappointed, confused and upset and an emotional basket case for a while – this is horrendous for you. However you are strong enough to seek help here and elsewhere so remember – you are not weak you are WORRIED and strong. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t hurt.

Give him time – Rehab for him and support for you and your future could be very different. But if he won’t rehab then walk away and save yourself my dear.

Look at the teenchallenge support – it has the highest success rates of any rehab programme. XX

[devoncath]

Thank you for your lovely reply. You’ve been really helpful with your insight and helping me know how to try to keep this going forward with some element of positivity.

The teenchallenge support. Is that still relevant if we are in our forties/50?

Thank you again. It is SUCH a relief to share this with someone who “gets it”.

Thank you for your time and message xx

[devoncath]

And yes, I do love him. I adore him. And I adore what we had.

And whilst I’m comfortable with that, I’m fairly sure he has been spooked by his and my feelings that grew quite fast really.

We are too good together to lose, I will do everything I can to save us and if being together turns out to not be available to me, (who knows what he may think of me/us when he’s clean, he has only known me when he’s been using – scary thought!) I will continue to support him if he will let me for as long as he allows me xx

[doctors-wife]

Hi,

Yes if you have a teen challenge support worker in your local area then they will be happy to meet with you and or him.

Remeber supporting him does not mean enabling him, so don’t give any money, allow drugs into your home or support anything other than his rehab, counselling and building him up.

You say you are fragile but actually you are strong – much more so than he is. Falling apart now and then is normal! so do something nice today with someone who will encourage you.

XX

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