[lemonysnicket]

Hello all I am posting for the first time but addiction has been an issue in my family for six years. I discovered by husband was struggling with coke addiction in late 2012. I think he had been using for up to 2 years at that point and he told me he owed about 2k. He had recently stopped though with hindsight his sobriety was not going to last as he had no support, wasn’t attending meetings or undergoing any therapy. One visit to the GP who was useless. Life was pretty stable. There was the odd worry and niggle on my part – finding baggies now and then which he claimed were old, odd occasions when he wasn’t where he said he would be, late night visits to the shop, but these were few and far between. Fast forward to summer 2017 and I caught him in the act. He admitted that he had used on an off since I found out about his habit in 2012. I was devastated but I supported him, he started to see a counsellor at the GP and attend NA meetings. I had to tell my teen daughters they were so upset, but even more upset at the prospect of us breaking up. He stopped drinking completely and attends NA still, not every week but at least twice a month. Late 2017 I discovered he had 20k in credit card debt which he had hidden but he insisted he was now dealing with his debts. Today I’ve found out he owes HMRC a very large amount of unpaid VAT and corporation tax (he’s self employed). I think despite all of his good work, I can’t go on. It is the lying I can’t deal with. After a year and a half of recovery this seems like a massive step backwards and I don’t think I can cope with the stress. I would be interested in hearing from others whose trust has been breached in this way. It just feels as if I’ve been deceived and that it would not be safe to stay although I think (hope!) that I cannot be liable for any of the debt and should be able to leave with at least half the equity in my home. I am not looking forward to this but I think I have to think of the financial security myself and my children now despite still loving him and wanting to support him.

[danman83]

Hey lemony.. hope your ok.. im going through a coke problem. Im 6.5 week clean. Ive always afforded what i got. But sounds like your hubby is in a lot of debt.

Its not nice your daughters finding out. Another reason why i had to to stop.Im ashamed of what ive done.

What ever you decide to do. I think you need to do it for yourself. I mean would 1 last chance would work with him?

[lemonysnicket]

6.5 weeks clean is a good start. With the right support you will be ok.

I think that at this stage, putting myself first, I’ve got to detach practically ie financially and that means divorce, selling the house etc. I’ve also got to try to detach emotionally – I have supported him for so long but I can’t carry on.

It will be hard for us all. Giving him another chance means leaving myself and my kids vulnerable in lots of ways but I won’t be forgiven if we lose what financial security we have.

[louise1974]

I’m in your position chic my partners habit (coke) has landed I am in a lot of debt also with the HMRC credit cards personal loans and basically just debt everywhere, he’s probably going to have the bailiffs round soon, not that there’s much in his house to take now. He doesn’t go out, just takes it in the house with his housemate which I find very bizarre. He’s lost a marriage and jobs because of it also and the lies are continuous. You’re right it’s the cheating, deception and lies that do your head in.

I agree with the previous post, one last chance won’t make a scrap of difference he’s obviously not ready to give it up, more drastic action is required however you have to live with that and if one last chance gives you more peace do it, but don’t hold your breath chic, good luck Lou x

[lemonysnicket]

I don’t think my husband is using now, that is the sad part. He’s been clean for 18 months I think, and not drinking for around 12 months. This is all about the past catching up on him and the fact that he’s had opportunities since he’s been clean to tell the truth about the financial trouble he is in and he has not done, I suspect because he knew I would leave.

I am not going to get peace whether I stay or go – but practically, sensibly, I’ve got to go now and hope he can sort himself out with the help of his family because I don’t think I’ve got the strength to help him as well as help myself.

[louise1974]

Sorry that should have said he’s landed himself in a lot of debt – predictive texting!

[georgia26]

Hi LemonySnicket,

Do you know for sure he has been clean for 18months? a lot of the time they lie and manipulate and the addiction and drug abuse continues behind your back, they are great liars. You cant just switch it off and not have a drug addiction – once its got you you seriously need to invest on getting out of it or it gets you and consumes your life and everything in it.. have a read through some of these threads, they do help a lot and help you realise what addiction can cause and how it changes people..

I would do what is best for you and your children most definitely. As its sad but

It is so sad, as addiction is a disease after all.. but sometimes you have to be selfish and think of yourself. Sounds like he is not in a good place, to have that amount of debt, his addiction must have been really bad.

It will be hard but in the end of it, youll be stronger – a lot of us have loved and lost the person we fell in love with. It completely changes people eventually and sometimes you have to walk away.

Youve come to the right place though, we all talk and support eachother on here.. it helps me a lot. And its people who are addicted and people who are loved ones of addicts so the advice is great.

xxx

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you Georgia, you are right I don’t know for certain that he’s been clean for the last 18 months. Cocaine use is difficult to spot if the use is steady and not excessive. There are signs though that he has been clean – no sniffing for one. Anyway, the damage is done. I just hope he can avoid relapsing, and take responsibility for this mess. In the meantime I’m looking for a lawyer and starting proceedings., and hoping that he can look after himself with the help of his family for the sake of our lovely kids.

[georgia26]

oh gosh, bless you, sending you lots of love..

all will be ok in the end, stay strong x

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you x

[lou1321]

Hi LemonySnicket

Only you can tell if you are doing the right thing, I have a son who is a cocaine addict and that is a whole other story! but my ex-husband is a gambling addict. Addiction is the same whatever, My ex and I were together for nearly 30 years and I always thought he gambled but I was made to feel that it was in my head, the lies, deception and manipulation is incredible. He only ever admitted it one time which is when I searched and found evidence so he couldn’t deny it… We have had to sell houses, and my parents bailed him out, he also took out loans and cards in my name. After this we had a good couple of years where I think he had got it under control but then the money started disappearing and court demands started to arrive and HMRC and VAT and cards and loans… He swore blind it was not down to gambling but something snapped, I had to safeguard what was left in equity and give my 4 children a stable environment to live in. I left him and for the next 2 years I tried to help, gave him numbers and meetings, said I would support him but he told me he didn’t need it as he didn’t gamble anymore… I am now divorced, I got 49% of what was left in equity and my ex had 51% which included his debts being paid off, he lived in a flat with no mortgage and I bought a house with the help of my parents and mortgaged up to my eyeballs to house the 4 children, My ex declared bankruptcy 2 years ago after having sold his flat and gambling the proceeds but he is still adamant he does not have a problem! It took me about 3 years to see that I had done the right thing by leaving, the guilt I felt for breking up my family was huge but he is till an addict and still in denial. What people don’t see is that you are heartbroken too. I am fine now and stand by my decision. So Lemony Snicket, listen to your gut and do what is right by you and your children, only you can make that decision … Good luck and stay strong xxx

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you rlg21. I have to act and both my brain and gut are saying the same. I’ve got lots of good advice today, both here and in the real world. A trusted friend has spoken to a solicitor friend of hers for me and I’ve got a list of tasks for tomorrow including changing the beneficiary of my pension and even my parents’ wills (and his) to help avoid any money going to him. I’m calling StepChange tomorrow, and a divorce solicitor who another friend has recommended.

My husband hasn’t even found out about the court summons yet. He works away during the week and is back tomorrow afternoon.

I’m not looking forward to telling him. I hope he understands that I love him and support his recovery, we all do, but that he has to sort out this mess himself if he even thinks we can have any chance of any sort of future together. I don’t think he’s in denial, or using, but I do think that he is not following the 12 step programme and focusing enough on his recovery or all of this would be known to me long ago.

[lou1321]

Hi LemonySnicket

You sound determined and that’s good. Having wonderful friends who you can call upon is a god send. I do so very much hope that your husband embraces this and wakes up to what he is losing. I wish you all the luck in the word x

[lemonysnicket]

Thank you so much Lou. I’ve had a busy few days. Seen and instructed a solicitor today. I thought it would be hard, but my mind is clear on what I have to do. I am so sad to be upending our lives but it’s not my actions that have brought us here.

Husband now knows everything. He admits he knew this was coming as HMRC warned him, Makes me feel worse because he still kept it from me. He was properly burying his head in the sand. He thought he would end up in prison. He’s gradually understanding the consequences now and that I mean what I say. It is so sad. I too hope it’s a fresh start for him although it’s too late for us xx

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