[fixingahole]

My husband has always been a big drinker and for the past few years I have worried about his drinking levels but six weeks ago it all came to a head. Basically he got caught out drunkenly making out with his best friend’s wife (they all run a bar together – very complicated). I then interrogated him and found out about other infidelities, including two one night stands with random women. He also confessed that on top of the drinking that I was aware of he had in fact for some time been drinking in the mornings. He had been waking in the night and having to have a drink to get back to sleep. When I thought he was leaving early to go to meetings, walk or exercise he was going to pubs before he got to work. As he owned a bar he could also drink all the way through work. He begged me to believe him that he only did these awful things when drunk and that he knew he was an alcoholic and needed to stop. I was devastated but worried for him and his health. We have two children and in all honesty the amount he was drinking was terrifying – I had no idea just how bad things had got. I felt like I had to focus everything on getting him well and then deal with the other stuff.

He has now been sober for a month which of course is amazing but I am left with this awful empty feeling. He blames all of his bad behaviour on alcohol. All of it. For him it seems so simple – the alcoholic him did all of this awful stuff that the sober him wouldn’t dream of doing. But I am so deeply hurt and I’m left with all this anger and I just don’t know where to direct it. It just feels so unfair that he gets to pass all responsibility for his actions into this other thing…..and then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I just don’t know how to accept that the alcoholic him was a different person….or whether I should accept that at all? I don’t know. I feel really confused. Like the life I thought I had was all an illusion. Wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this?

[notmyrealname]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds very similar to other addictions, my husband is like a completely different person when he takes cocaine or other drugs. He has done things I wouldn’t have thought he would do such as owe out all his wages, taking risks being on these substances while at work in a job he loves and he actually tried so hard to get this job but he would risk it because the addiction is so strong . It certainly is like another person but I guess that’s where he has to come to realisation that it isn’t another person- it is him who’s made those choice and if he wants to fix it I wouldn’t have thought it would be healthy to avoid the blame. I would think it would be hard to move past this if he genuinely thinks he doesn’t need to take any responsibility for his actions. Wishing you luck, will be thinking of you.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story. Sorry that things are difficult for you.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. We offer support to people like yourself who are dealing with addiction in the family. If you would like to speak with one of our experienced and trained people please get in touch. May be talking with one of them will help you to sort out how you feel.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[Author]

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