[lc100]

So my husband left me last summer, his only reason was that he just wasn’t happy, but if I’m honest it was news to me and seemed to come out of no where! We’d had previous issues but I thought these were resolved and we had not long moved into our “dream house”.

The seperation was tough, and there were points I was very worried about him as he just seemed down and looked “grubby” I thought maybe he was suffering with depression and voiced this to him. He seemed to pick himself up a bit and just before Christmas told me that he wanted us to work on things and appreciated me so much more now.

Things had mostly been going well. We had a few hiccups but overall it seemed better (he did not move back in but it was like we were dating again) on a number of occasions, he told me he didn’t deserve me and wasn’t worthy of me and every time I’d reassure him he was. He kept telling me that he wanted to be a better person for me and our children and I believed he was working on doing that until a month ago when he ended things again and I’ve since found out that he has started dating a girl 12yrs younger than him.

Now cocaine has caused issues in our marriage on a handful of occasions over the last few years, up until the first time (when he came home in a state after knocking someone out) I had no idea he even used it. He swore to me it was a one off and he wouldn’t do it again, and has sworn the same thing on the handful of other occasions that have arisen and I’ve let him convince me that these were isolated incidents. I’m now finding out through mutual friends that it is much more than that and he is binging on it everytime he goes out at least which is every other weekend. Apparently he’s been doing this the last couple of years.

We have children together and I’m worried about it impacting them if the habit becomes even more regular. I honestly don’t recognise the man he is anymore, he is selfish and doesn’t even seem concerned for his children’s feelings regarding our split. When he isn’t with the kids he seems to just be constantly partying and chasing this 18-20s lifestyle.

I’m starting to wonder if the long term coke use has had an affect on his mental state and whether that’s the reason our marriage broke down – he lacked happiness with his family when he wasn’t on a cocaine high. He tried to be better and give it up, realised he couldn’t and that’s where all the feelings of worthlessness came from before he just gave up completely?

I’m not really sure what my question is, I just needed to get everything off my chest, though if anyone has any answers regarding long term effects of cocaine on mental health I’d be interested to hear them.

Thanks

[danman83]

Hey there. Ive been doing coke on and off 8 9 years now. Im having it roughly once a month give or take. I hate the stuff and im doing my best to quit..

But regarding to you question.. my cousin who is 36 has had a stroke.. his cousin has… all caused from coke. Coming down off coke.. it makes you depressed and suicidal.. the is to do with dopamine in the brain if you know what that is? For days you can feel depressed. Then weekend comes and its a vicious circle again. I know a few people that have committed suicide from cocaine. Its a high for 20 minutes and the rest is down hill. Its also not good for your heart and anxiety and paranoia.

[lc100]

He seems to be less depressed when I see him now compared to where he was pre Christmas, maybe he’s already reached a point where it is more frequent or maybe I’m just not seeing the downs on the few times a week we see each other because of the kids.

It’s good you are trying to quit and I wish you the best on your journey, hopefully you have a good support network to help you through

[lc100]

P

[danman83]

Thanks

[georgia26]

It absolutely does have an affect on your mental state – people commit suicide like Dan said, my other half when he does it, has attempted to take his own life.. it is absolutely horrendous stuff.

It completely changes people – they dont care whats on the line, the coke comes before kids, marriages ANYTHING.

its hard to accept but when it grabs hold of you like it has your husband, the person may as well be dead really as they arent the same anymore. It sounds harsh but it would be easier for someone to die i think because they are gone and not there physically.

[lc100]

As far as I know, he’s never been suicidal from it, but I guess I only know what I’ve been told by him or others and he hid it from me for years (and is still downplaying it now).

But there has definitely been changes in him, he’s become more and more selfish over the years and less interested in socialising together and began going out every single weekend (I thought just drinking at time) despite the arguments it caused and the number of times I told him it upset me because I felt like he was constantly putting friends above me and the kids, now I suspect it was actually coke and the friends he was with were just part of that but not actually what it was about.

I told him last night that I think he has a problem, he pulled a funny face as if I was mad but he didn’t actually try and deny it.

We’ve been living apart now for almost a year although only “not been together” this last month when he started seeing a younger girl he works with (I’m pretty sure she also does it or is at least far more ok with it than I am).

I’m kind of just accepting that that is who he is now, he won’t get help if he can’t see he has a problem but I’m just so worried something will happen to him and how that will affect our children.

Is your husband trying to get help?

[lc100]

I asked my “husband” to take leave over the holidays to help with childcare. Previously I’ve usually covered this all myself, taking unpaid leave if needed as I’ve been able to rely on his wage bit being as we are now seperated I cannot afford to do this – I explained this to him at the start of our separation.

Anyway he got quite nasty, can’t understand why he should have to do it when I told him I wasn’t sure why it was an issue asking him to take time to spend with and care for his children, he told me I was poisonous and that I am feeding the kids sh*t about him and turning them against him (in actual fact I am doing the complete opposite).

I’ve read on other posts about addicts becoming angry/aggressive so I’m just wondering what people’s experiences of that are, is the nastiness and lack of care and empathy yet another effect of cocaine, does it affect them even when it’s been a few days/weeks/months since they have last taken anything? Or is it a possible indicator that he had taken more recently in which case I fear the problem is already getting worse (despite him yet again telling me he doesn’t do it that often). I’m already apprehensive about the kids being in his care and I certainly don’t want them around him if this is progressing from social to more regular use!

Also keen to know of any articles others have read about the effects of cocaine on emotions as struggling to find much on it. And what classes someone as an addict/occasional user/social user – when is it a problem!!?

Sorry for another long post, just still trying to get my head round a lot of things!

[georgia26]

Hi IC100

cocaine honestly makes people so selfish, if hes being nasty hes probably on it or on a come down. literally it makes them not care about anything, that comes first.

thats a huge tell tell in my eyes, the personality changes, he will be using.

An addict isnt just someone who takes it daily, if you take cocaine weekly, youre an addict. When it starts affecting your life/relationships its a problem.

i wish i could give you more positive advice but honestly, he will be saying hes stopped using but he wouldnt have. I would purchase some drug tests from amazon – they work and that will give you facts.

if youve taken cocaine say 2 months ago you wouldnt be acting that way, as it would be out your system – when theyre selfish and nasty usually its still in the system.

i even read that if you take cocaine say once a month (and you cant not) and you wanted to give up – youre an addict.. dont be fooled by the whole oh youre only an addict if you do it everyday, thats so not true. My bf is an addict and he went 6 months without it and relapsed

i would suggest you do some research and get clued up on it, google emotional stages of cocaine relapse as all the signs are there.

sorry but it doesnt sound like “social use” to me, the way hes acted and the things hes doing screams addict to me – and theyre brilliant liars, so he will manipulate and lie so you think he isnt.

its horrendous to accept – but honestly i would say you need to do drug tests when taking the children – i wouldnt also want someone to be on it whilst looking after my children.

you can buy them on amazon btw x

[lc100]

Thanks, I’ll have a look on Amazon!

I’ll also look into the emotional stages. I’ve been trying to read up on everything as much as possible but sometimes I feel like I’m hitting a wall a bit with it.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt for such a long time and let him convince me that it was a rarity when it’s come up in the past, partly because I’ve never taken it myself or been around people who do so I’ve never fully understood it. When he’s gone out week after week in the past I just thought he was being selfish putting his mates and drinking ahead of the kids, but now looking into it more and looking back on everything he ticks so many boxes:

He has frequent episodes of headaches

Sinus problems

Has had a few angry/nasty outbursts

Gone through periods where he says he’s not worthy of me, doesn’t deserve everything I do for him

Left because he was unhappy but has never been able to explain why

Its just so frustrating not being able to get all that through to him to get him to want to get help.

Our relationship is done now, with everything he has put me through I’m not sure I will ever be able to forget, but I just want him to get better for the kids sake, the impact him leaving is having on them is horrific and he just doesn’t seem to care.

Thanks again for your advice, and just for replying in general x

[georgia26]

I know, its so draining as well isnt it reading up on it? it consumes your life.. it leaves me baffled and i just dont get it.

He wouldnt do that when off of the coke – it honestly just makes them selfish, no empathy, it completely changes them , when they’re on that road honestly not even your children will come first – if he is on the stuff, youll soon know as he will end up hitting rock bottom.

oh sinus issues is a huge sign too and the angry outbursts – it really ruins your mental health. Ive cried my heart out and begged before, put everything on the line and STILL he would choose the drugs and for me that was hard to swallow.. but now hes not on it hes the loveliest person – it baffles me.

bless you – its hard when children are involved, the thing is, even if you did get back together the chances of him relapsing going back to this is quite likely.

It is hard i agree – i was the same i have never been addicted to anything.. so i didnt understand, it is a disease though.. i dont think he can control what hes doing – he probably doesnt want to hurt you and one day he will hugely regret this im sure.

he will have to hit rock bottom to get help – as at the moment hes probably just chasing the buzz but it wont end well.

good luck to you … feel free to msg anytime – i completely understand and im sorry youre going through this, its sh*t! xx

[lc100]

I feel like it’s completely consumed my life the last few weeks.

Looking back over the last 2 year’s of our relationship, he started going out “drinking” more frequently, usually with the same groups of people and it was only a couple of months after that he left the first time saying he didn’t love me anymore. He came back after a week and things were ok for a few months and then he started prioritising going out with friends again, baring in mind it was rare he ever took me anywhere!

He left again last summer and since then the majority of his weekends where he hasn’t seen the kids have been spent out “drinking” he’s been away 6 times in the last year (all lads benders) and has no interest in taking his kids on holiday or offering any money for me to.

It was only a few weeks ago that a mutual friend mentioned his Snapchat sniff sessions and I feel like everything is now clicking into place.

There’s been a few occasions in the past where I’ve found out he’s done it (various reasons) but every time he’s told me it’s a one off and I’ve stupidly believed him!

At Christmas he said he appreciated me so much more and wanted us to give things a go, he wanted to be better for me and the kids. And although he never mentioned the coke (And it never crossed my mind) I think what he meant was that he knew he needed to cut down/out that and I think in the last 6 months he’s realised he can’t give up that part of his life and so has ended up ending things again and straight into a relationship with a (far) younger girl who I’m pretty sure also does it or at least knows he does as they socialise in the same circle at work.

His behaviour since then is just horrible, he’s started arguments, accused me of turning the kids against him and even when I’ve told him the impact him leaving is having on his kids and how it’s made them feel like he doesn’t care as he never makes up missed time with them, he still does nothing more!!

I just don’t know how to get through to him, and even though I’m not sure we could ever be together again, it breaks my heart seeing him like this, slowly destroying his relationship with the kids.

Sorry to ramble, sometimes it just helps to write it all down and get it off your chest!!

[georgia26]

yeah i think hes probably been a ‘secret addict’ for a long time – it takes a while for it to show.. i think he knows hes an addict and he probably did try at Christmas time – but obviously he relapsed again.

all these relationships hes making with friends/girls – they will fade and he will regret this one day.

gosh – the sniffing on social media etc, im shocked. He has hidden behind your naivety – which is not your fault at all btw, i was so naive for ages – i wanted to believe too.. i still half am at the moment, i mean my partner has promised again – given up things that associate him with coke but i wont get my hopes up as i do then it all comes crashing down.

definite cocaine use – the whole being selfish, choosing that before your kids – it’ll be cocaine benders… it baffles me how people can be like that.

keep looking after yourself mentally and your children.. youre doing great xx

[lc100]

Snapchat is the only social media we’ve never had each other on, I’ve never really gotten into it and he’d have easily been able to hide it from me on there anyway.

Just makes me sick that one minute he’s posting snaps of him doing lines in an open bar on holiday and the next week he’s posting snaps at the cinema with his kids!? Not sure what image it is he’s trying to portray, it’s like glamourising his party lifestyle then trying to be dad of the year!!?

He is so incredibly selfish and just such a nasty person right now. Tells me I’m filling the kids head with rubbish and then tells them that if he came back mummy and daddy would just argue all the time, which we didn’t often so I don’t know why he’d say it.

Just struggling to get my head round it all. He’s a completely different person, and not a very nice one and him blaming me for our kids anger towards him really gets me.

This helps though! Glad I’ve found support somewhere!

[rani123]

I don’t know what to say

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