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Hi everyone,
I am new here and just need some advice and support!
I found out at the end of march that my husband has has had a cocaine addiction for the past 4 years. We have a 2 and 4 year old together and the last few months have been extremely rough. When it came to light he stopped using and stayed clean for 3 months, however sadly 3 weeks ago relapsed. I found out on Monday evening after I found cocaine thrown over our garden gate in a paper bag!
I have said I will support him, we have some good support in place this time. However the issue is my husband has been made redundant and is due to receive a significant payout next week. He has already spent £200 of this on cocaine before it has even reached his account! I have asked that this money go into a joint account so I can see it as although I work this will need to pay our bills until he is well enough to find another job. He has point blank refused to do this and this is a huge red flag for me. I have said I cannot move forward in supporting him if he won’t agree as I cannot risk not being able to pay the bills. Am I being unreasonable?
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I am sorry you are going through this.
How often is he using or aren’t you sure??why doesn’t he want it in a shared account? What’s his rationale?
sadly I feel (from experience) if he is an addict every Penny of his money will go on that. I have a sister who is an addict and she stole all of her children’s savings and my dads totally what we counted at least 10k prob more just to get her fix every night!
I also have a now ex partner who spends all of his wages on crack cocaine.
from personal experience . no you aren’t being unreasonable at all.
you have reason to worry!! Xx -
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Hi Poppy
You’re right to state it’s a huge red flag and there will still be a degree of Am I really going to relinquish the resource needed to buy more Coke from your hubbies perspective. I remember when I first tried to quit in June 2021 and my wife stated she needed full control and transparency over our finances. I point blank refused and flipped it back on her regarding trust, believing in me etc. This was all hogwash and was designed to create a smoke and mirrors situation to distort the truth.
Only in Feb 2022 once I had accepted who I’d become gave up our finances to my wife. It was a massive relief knowing I had no more access but vitally I knew my wife needed action to start trusting me again. The second part was so important to me that I didn’t care that I couldn’t withdraw any money. Not because I didn’t trust myself but because winning back trust which is fundamental to any relationship was that much more important.
When you truly accept what you have become you’ll do anything to start to repair the damage you’ve done. You had your chance and you blew it. You now have to abide by the terms and conditions set by others until you can show real change. Even then it has come to you with no thoughts or feelings of Look How I am Now, You Owe Me because I’ve changed. No one owes you anything because you blew it, you owe it to yourself to be a better human and this is where the real change happens.
Kulstar
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Hi Kulstar,
well done on your continued recovery.
how did you get to the point of seeing everything truly clearly like what you had become and how it was affecting loved ones?
Do you feel your empathy had been shut off and were there times you acted as if you didn’t care or told her you didn’t care about what she had to say when your wife was clearly distressed?
my partner has sent a big apology message yesterday saying he’s so ashamed at how he’s treated me and that he’s not surprised I don’t wanna go near him etc but I don’t even know if I should believe it or not as he had been so cold and callous earlier in the day after being awake for 2 days on coke, ket and alcohol.
I was sobbing my heart out saying I’m breaking down and that I felt like dying (I was seriously sleep deprived) and he kept repeating tell someone who cares, his attitude came after I refused to let him hug me as I’ve been pushing him away the last few weeks because I’m so let down and hurt. He explained after that he treated me that way because he feels so worthless because I won’t go near him physically and then said he understands why I don’t want to.
every time I let my barrier down I get disappointed
He’s currently not at home. He keeps saying he can’t get better if he’s not home but we’ve been here so many times and he comes back and slips again.
he’s due to start meetings again and is up for trying smart recovery ones this time as a start. Has a new job to start Monday but I’m not ready to have him back full time. The only problem is that the places he’s staying are all big triggers. I’m not sure what to do in that respect either.
sorry for the long ramble
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Hi M
My last so called hurrah involved me staying away in 3 different hotels over a 5 day period. I missed my sons first football match which I’ll forever be kicking myself for. Ironically I’m now the coach of the team and have been since recovery. For me it was the time away from my lovely family which absolutely done for me. I’d always hid under the cover that no matter what my addiction to cocaine, the kids got to go to all their clubs which I would take them too (often under the influence although as an addict you couldn’t clearly look at me and say that I was on it, maybe people could tell but just didn’t want to say, I’m not sure).
My turning point was my sons first football match, it was a glorious February 2022 sunny afternoon and instead of being there, I was into a 72 hr binge in a hotel on my own, drinking whiskey and sniffing gear watching porn and listening to songs (not at the same time I hastened to add!). I knew I deserved better. Yes, my kids deserved better but the real turning point was that I knew I had become someone unrecognisable to my core DNA of being a loving Dad, Husband, Son, Brother etc.
It often takes certain life events which have consequences to enable the change. If I was ever to go back their again, the society around me would know far too quickly of my missing presence. I’ve built a completely different life in that the time I had before for sniffing, getting high and being able to hide even in plain sight simply isn’t there anymore. There is no space for it. I live quite a regimental life now with the kids football, early nights, gym etc that the moment this slides out of kilter my loved ones would rightly know about it. When people recover or abstain they often still think about their previous life which is what pulls them back. They think they’re missing out on something however the key is to work on yourself during abstinence so you have far more coping mechanisms and your kitbag is strong to resist the trap of going back down that hole again. It never served any purpose.
My empathy had been shut off completely, the moment it would return a sense of guilt would rush over and given my core DNA of being a loving hubbie, father etc. I would shut this down by sniffing and drinking more to numb these powerful emotions.
The apology is a great sign, it’s a step towards acceptance. This acceptance needs to be unequivocal and without any terms and conditions. Yes I did it and I’m sorry BUT. There can be no BUT. No rhyme or reason can be provided. People go through such hardships in their lives but don’t resort to coke or alcohol to suppress their emotions. The coldness you talk of is the drugs suppressing any emotion. Him being callous to you is easier than to accept what he has become, a classic diversion to make himself better by making you feel you don’t care.
I was lucky in that after my last hurrah I only wanted to be home, my wife forced me to stay away at my parents house around the corner but I refused. I knew my time had come and that I wanted to recover around my loved ones.
This will be hard to hear, you say he’s let you down a number of times. Key thing is what makes it different this time? Does it feel different, what different actions is he going to take? If he’s on this merry go round that you’ll always be there then it feels safe for him to repeat the cycle.
Don’t worry about rambling, you’re struggling for support and don’t know what to say or how to say it. Just say what you feel. By heck none of us wish we’d even have to type here but hey ho, life isn’t simple!
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Hi Poppy,
No you aren’t being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable. These are huge red flags that he isn’t being honest about his recovery. What kind of man – who is unemployed and not currently providing for his family – would even ask why you need access to the money coming in? What does he think pays the bills? This screams that he is using heavily and not thinking of anyone but himself.
When my partner first relapsed after 3 years of sobriety I was devastated and looked up what to do online and the advice was to support him, that he would feel bad enough so don’t make it worse, etc. I did that and less than a year later, he had ruined both our lives, spent thousands of our savings that we needed for our new home, lost his job, attempted suicide twice, and has ended up in court. The only real attempts at recovery he made was after I kicked him out, after he lost everything, when his mind could no longer convince him that it was okay, nothing was wrong, he could keep doing what he was doing. I had to completely detach myself from him to protect myself, my job, my life and my sanity from this chaos. It’s been the best thing for him and for me, because he’s now in recovery, and I have managed to find some of my own peace with us being apart so that I can heal from this trauma in time.
He needs to understand how serious this is. He’s already getting you into financial bother and that will continue. The problem is unless he’s ready to change, he won’t do a thing. It’s absolutely insane but for me, he didn’t get how serious it was until he lost everything. It’s like the denial voice is so strong they keep going until they physically can’t pretend anymore that there isn’t a problem. I wish there was another way but there wasn’t. There are ladies on forums who have lost their homes because of their partners.
If he doesn’t get that this is a problem, you need to decide whether you want to be there for the downfall. If you do, keep all your money separate and make sure you survive. He should be at meetings every single day, no excuses. The work money should be kept somewhere he can’t access it. If he won’t do those things for you, for your family, I’d be questioning why I’m sticking around. My partners been out the house since March, is in recovery, and working and doing well. I’ve continued to protect myself and will keep doing so until and if I’m ready to have him back. You need to put yourself first, as there is no way that he will right now.
Good luck and stay strong x
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You made a good point about the because he’s stopped for 3 days you should trust him.
I think because they’ve got so used to wanting quick rewards with how their brains are wired with the drugs they see everything else as wanting if instantly when trust really takes time and effort.
I really hope your husband gets back on track xx
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Hi Poppy,
I’m so Sorry to read what has happened , it’s the merry go round of hell and absolutely not are you being unreasonable.
I have a similar story , I asked for all access to my husbands Accs, but he too used to say you need to trust me , refused and we did the same thing week in week out for 18 months .insisted I’m clean , the most he ever did was 12 days .
In 2020 I discovered his secret that he was an addict and using constantly prob since 2019 . my Children were 2 and 4 it was chaos, dealer leaving coke in the hedge to pick up , He disappeared for 4/5 days at a time using in different hotels – late summer last year I called it a day before I made myself seriously ill I felt like the person I once loved had died and the lies were out of control, he sank us financially and I could see the house bills weren’t going to be met ( he was the bread winner ) .
You’re going to be ok and the children but you need to keep strong and start questioning what lies ahead . It’s the most heartbreaking scenario but you have to think of you and the kids and your sanity .
Doesn’t sound like he’s hit rock bottom yet ..Mine still hasn’t , he’s alone in the house , sleeps most days and personality differs every day . Our divorce finalises next month , I couldn’t do anymore I have had to make my peace with that.
Sending hugs and strength xxx
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