[kaza]

Hi All, I’m new here but I have been reading others stories in the background.

So I have been married for just over 3 years and in a relationship with husband for 9 years. We were childhood sweethearts who found each other again.

We share a 6 year old boy and I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but he has raised her from being 3 and she calls him Dad. He loves her as if she was his biological child.

He has been taking cocaine on and off for most of our relationship. Not in front of me. He has months of not taking then something will trigger and it’s in his head and he will drink too much alcohol and usually causes an argument to leave the house and then he won’t come home for 2/3 days at a time. Or until he’s spent his bank account. He has taken my bank cards. Taken money out the cupboards. Stolen from his parents. It’s just a lot.

He’s also turned aggressive when he’s drunk and ‘needs’ his fix. He will do anything to leave the house. He is verbally horrible and has pushed me / pulled my hair in desperation to leave the house.

Sober I can’t tell you how perfect this man is. He is attentive, caring, loving, compliments me every single day, brings flowers and little gifts for us, takes the kids for bike rides, dog walks, football. Works extremely hard on our home and did have a very good job on a building site. We holiday 2/3 times abroad a year and travel the country. We have a good life apart from the addiction.

However, Christmas he became verbally aggressive after alcohol and my sister challenged him. He actually hurt my sister, she doesn’t think it was intentionally just the fact he was drunk and got to close. However, he did end up being punched from her and had a black eye.

I can’t understand how someone can change so much under the influence of drugs and alcohol but believe me he does. He never has anything horrible to say to me sober. We hardly ever argue.

I was having a really bad time in my management job before Christmas and he told me to leave we would manage and my health was more important, so I did. That was October 2019. I struggled being a stay at home mum but have found a little online company to work with.

Then Christmas happened. I had medication changed (antidepressants) and I had a severe reaction. Lost a lot of weight and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I’m sure it was a combination of Christmas and his drugs / behaviour change and the antidepressants. I was devastated that he’d hurt my sister.

When I came out of hospital I kicked him out. He’s been gone since before lockdown.

He did 10 weeks in a hotel and he got much worse. Drugs, not turning into work and then he said he hit rock bottom. He needed to get help but needed me by his side. He was scared he’d end up dead.

I felt bad so I let him home and after 3 days he didn’t return from work. Went on his binge and lost his job also.

It’s been 3 weeks since and he’s hit an all time low. I’ve never seen him so ill but I’ve also never heard him talk so positive about receiving the help that he’s getting now from a counsellor and GP.

I honestly don’t know what to do. The drug use I knew after our little boy was born and every 3 months or so he goes on a mad binge.

He’s ruined parties, weddings, embarrassed me and the kids so many times with his behaviour. But I want him so desperately to get better and be the sober, good man that we know.

Luckily his boss has said he will give him another chance because he’s getting help. I just don’t know if I believe him. And this violent rage that he had at Christmas has scared me. Does the addiction really cause a gentle man to become so evil?

I like others have severe anxiety caused by this drug addiction. If he’s not home on time I worry he’s ‘on it’. I don’t drink around him so he can’t have too many and ‘need it’. My heart is arguing with my head. I don’t know if I’m finally done even though I love him with all my heart.

[k1983]

Hi

My story is very similar to yours

We were together for 15 years until very recently

He always liked a drink and would use cocaine on nights out with his friends, when our children were younger he just wouldn’t come home from work on a Friday and sometimes I wouldn’t see him again until the Sunday.

Or if he did come home he would start drinking then start an argument over something stupid and leave.

It got better for awhile but the drinking got more and more and then he started to bring cocaine into the house and just sit alone all night while the rest of the house was asleep and then sleep all the next day.

He’s made a lot of promises to stop but as soon as he starts drinking and the wkends here it starts all over again, he drink drives to go pick it up and it started to really affect our finances.

He’s also a very big gambler.

I love him and he’s a lovely man, very hard working and lovely to me while sober.

Finally I’ve had enough, I asked him to move out a few wks ago and since then he’s said again he knows he has a problem but he won’t ask for professional help and told me I take him as he is or not at all.

So I have chosen not at all

It hurts a lot, I miss him and I hate that these substances even exist, without them I could be with this man for the rest of my life.

I’m now wondering if I stuck in there would it change, have I done the right thing but I’ve been waiting for it to change for a long time and he’s still not wanting to change his lifestyle.

It’s extremely difficult because to some people it might not look that bad but it’s a different story when you share your life with someone and you never know what’s going to happen next or if all the money in the joint account will disappear

[kaza]

Your situation does sound very similar.

I am always waiting or anticipating the ‘next’ thing.

Does anyone every get passed this or is it a big waste of energy. 8 years is such a long time.

I am now wondering should I of done more to help. We’ve argued, I’ve shut myself down so many times unable to reciprocate love. Because I don’t understand this addiction. How it can rule our lives.

He’s actually been very distant with me since he’s been gone so maybe this is the final part of our relationship and we’ve hit the end which makes me feel very sad.

[bt1978]

Thanks for sharing

Despite what an awful time you are having, I see some positives here. It sounds like he’s hit rock bottom and I personally believe any addict has to get there first before anything can really be done.

Seeing the GP is great and so is counselling, how is that going?

For me when I put the junk down I did that and it was helpful, but also needed to find a way to live which is where getting support from other addicts really helped.

Are you also getting support and help?

[kaza]

Hi

He’s got support from a neighbour who is clean and a family man. He said he couldn’t of done it without him which is sad because I’ve always stood by him.

I’m just now looking for support which is when I was advised to join this group.

[k1983]

It is very sad. I think the fact your husband has been to see his GP is a positive step.

I made the mistake of letting him move back in many times and then after a few wks we’d be back to square one. I still haven’t fully let go and if he wanted my help I’d be right by his side. I really hope things work out for you and you take care of yourself

[kaza]

Oh don’t get me wrong I’ve taken him back so many times.

It’s so confusing what to do.

Do you not have any hope with your husband? X

[k1983]

It’s very confusing. I don’t unfortunately, right now he just thinks I don’t love him because I don’t want to live with him the way things are. It hurts a lot and then makes me want to try and convince him I love him by letting him back without any real change.

It’s hard isn’t it xx

[kaza]

I also had this. My hubby used to say, ‘I’m not good enough. I never have been’.

I stayed strong for weeks and it broke my heart.

How many weeks has it been for you now? X

[kaza]

It’s really hard.

Tough love vs real love.

I have no clue what the correct answer is. I just know I hate the damn drug. It’s taken to many lives. I don’t understand addiction either but I do know that we cannot help unless the want to help themselves.

It’s taken a long time for him to see and hit rock bottom. And it got worse before it got better.

People looking in on our lives must think we’re bonkers for putting up with them. Maybe we are? I’m reading about co-dependency at the minute. I suppose it’s about self love also.

If it was the other way around and I was the addict, do I think my husband would leave me? No I don’t. And sometimes that’s what makes me feel guilty x

[ash2013]

Kaza and K1983,

How are you both doing? I saw one of you mentioned co-depencency, theres a really good book called Hope Street, by Amanda Andruzzi, its her story, and it will resonate.

Its almost like there is a Cocaine switch in brains that makes them act the same way.

Kaza, my husband used to say ‘i’m not good enough, I never have been’. Its the self pity coming through, I guess to an addict, a non addict will always appear to be better than them right? I used to find myself hating myself for making him feel like that. I realise now that how someone else sees us is not our problem to fix.

Keep smiling x

[kaza]

Hi Ash2013,

I am trying to get my head around ‘his problem isn’t my problem’ but then when you get married you vow to help each other.

Is your husband in recovery / recovered?

Thank you for your advice x

[ash2013]

Hi Kaza,

My husband is 6 months clean from Coke, and also doesnt drink now either, as they tend to go hand in hand for him.

I’m always worrying about a fall back, last year he stopped for a good number of months, and then started again, I could see the stressful situation coming, and boom, there it was, a couple of lines once or twice a week, and after 6 weeks, back to every day and an absent husband/father.

I’m holding on the hope that one time he’ll stop for good. He seems in a good place right now, and very negative towards friends who do it still.

I never left my husband, so I wouldnt tell anyone to leave, unless they were in danger of course. But i’m sure you have to get to a point where enough is enough right. His problem isn’t your problem, thats correct, however his problem is making a problem for you, and that isnt fair. He isnt showing the same empathy to you as you are to him.

Marriage is about compromise, but when you are married to an addict, you do all the compromising and they seem to do what they like, even though i’m sure they’d protest different, haha.

Have a read of my old threads, my husband has been on coke most of our 15 year relationship, with some breaks, some longer than others. The good the bad and the ugly you’ll read from my posts.

I’m in a good place right now, but the fear of a relapse never leaves, and I still choose my words carefully, and think about his reaction before speaking, even though now, I dont need to!

xx

[kaza]

Hi Ash2013,

Wow you are very strong.

I actually don’t know if I can continue for another 8 years. He is a good man but is an absolutely ugly human when on that stuff or needing that stuff.

I will have a read at your other threads.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Xx

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