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Hi all, as I write this I am totally shocked I am even on this website let alone a forum talking to people about drug abuse. My husband came home from work the other night and ushered me into the front room telling me he needed to be honest and he had something he had to tell me…. I honestly thought he was about to disclose an affair but then he blurted out he was addicted to cocaine and that he was a coke head. I was so shocked I have had no inkling about his habit and apparently its been going on at least 10 months. I say I have had no inkling but to be honest I have had periods when I’ve suspected him but he’s always lied to me as he knows I don’t do drugs and never have. I have seen odd text messages over the years but he has always passed them off or convinced me with his lies. He has been sat in his van during the day using it so its not even a social thing. I think this almost bothers me more than if he was out socialising when he was doing it…. I don’t know what to think. He has been squirreling away money to pay for this which has also upset me greatly as I have been budgeting to the last penny this month and couldn’t work out why we had no money left before pay day. I thought I was going mad and couldn’t add up properly! I feel like I can’t trust him to not use and I also think that if he can lie to me for so long then what else has he lied about. I have so many emotions running around in my head it’s so frustrating. My husband is my best friend and we never have secrets or so I thought. This has destroyed a lot of my trust in my relationship and I think the only reason I haven’t asked him to leave is because I still love him and he’s the father of my children. I also feel I’ve been put in a position where I have no one to talk to as anyone I tell with automatically judge him and I don’t want that. He didn’t use yesterday and says he feels strong now he doesn’t have the secret of it all and he is going to a meeting tonight but I’m just worried that this is how my life will be from now on. Rehab and relapses and the lying I just don’t know if I want a life like that. I hope he can change and I want to believe he will but he was hugely into drugs before we met and I thought he had kicked his habit when he so obviously hasn’t. I don’t know where to turn and I’m struggling to process who this new version of my husband is. Anyone else been in the same situation please chat to me. Thanks for reading
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Hey, I am also married to someone who abused alcohol, cocaine and marijuana. I walked out 5 months ago as I couldn’t take it anymore, I tried to deal with it for 13 years but decided enough is enough and left with my kids. As it is early stage for u, do u think u would like to give him a chance to stop the drugs and if he still carries on, then u can choose what u feel u need to do. I only say this as I sometimes wish I left much sooner. The cycle of relapse, apologies, broken promises went on and on for so long, I was so tired at the end, i no longer believed anything he said and that’s not a nice way to live. We also struggled financially, kids missed out on dad time. He wants to make up for it and I do pray he changes but I have read all about addiction and I have to say, I’m not getting my hopes up. Like you said, this is a habit he restarted after all these years same with my husband and thats what scares me cos addiction is a life changer and the success rates for staying sober, clean is pretty low from what I have read. But u never know. Plus my husband has finally asked for help plus he is doing some CBT stuff at home which explores the habit, why he does it, advantages, disadvantages, etc hopefully might make him think a bit more about it, this is not something he has ever done. Anyways just wanted to say you’re not alone and only you know how much you can/want to put up with. Sorry not much advice as I am still in the situation because I dont want to divorce him, I really do love him and he is my best friend but only when sober. But i am also waiting for his next relapse, so far he has been clean and sober for 2 weeks, 3 weeks was his longest. I hate it cos whenever i see him, i try to work out if he has used and that again is no way to live.
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No worries, this is a brilliant forum, so glad I found it makes u realise ur not alone. All I will say is put ur foot down from the start cos the more u let them get away with things, the harder it gets and u start doubting urself. Also focus on urself, dont let their addiction decide how life should be, i.e. I recall not attending important functions because he was intoxicated but now I realise I should have attended without him but i was also embarrassed and didnt want to have to explain why he wasnt there. I have learnt so much by removing myself and my kids from that environment. Addiction is a selfish disease but I hope and pray we all come out better from this x
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Hey let me tell u ur not an idiot, ur just someone who wants a good life, normal as we put it and u have every right. I have friends and family who live sober lives and when I think how my life compared with them, I realise it was not healthy, it was not ok and realise now how tiring it was, constantly walking on eggshells, my anxiety levels were sky high but I never realised this. I tried to put up with it for 13 years but in the end, I couldn’t take it, the lies, the stress and had to leave. You do what u think is right for u and if that means random drug tests then so be it. There is no sugar coating this, addiction wrecks lives. I really hope it all works out for u and he seeks help. I dont know if my husband can do this with willpower alone but like I say he has finally asked for professional help via counselling, and that’s a big step for him as he never thought he had a problem. Talk to ur husband and tell him ur worried about ur future, explain how u feel. He most likely will try to brush it off as no big deal and try to make it out he has it under control but let me tell u from experience, or 13 years experience should I say, that addicts will lie. They are not bad people, addiction is a brain disease and when they get that craving, they generally give in but if they work on their thoughts feelings and behaviour, there is a chance they can overcome those urges. Mine is still work in progress so I cant say for sure whether they can cure their addiction without proper professional help. Just remember ur not alone, there is a wealth of information out there, since I joined various forums I have to say I feel a little less anxious, theres some really good advice out there. It is hard as we do love them but we have to be careful we dont wear ourselves down by forgetting to love ourselves x
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Im sorry to hear about your story, in this instance would like to say I ‘was’ the husband but I am in a similar situation and still working through my addictions.
I think first of all this type of addiction can go on for many many years unnoticed and unchecked, I think you have to give your husband some credit for coming clean about the whole situation. As Stillhopeful says, addicts can be great liars and very selfish so for him to confide in you and come clean is a huge step!
It will not be an easy road and there will most likely be slips along the way! in the vast majority of cases addiction can be linked to past trauma. There could be an underlying issue here that you husband has not disclosed to you! I myself was sexually abused and silenced as a child and as a result of the abuse went on to grow up as a very timid, shy and introverted person (I was very loud and out going prior). When I found cocaine and alcohol (as crazy as it might sound) I felt like for the first time I found my voice and it was an amazing feeling, it was like the drugs allow me to be the person I was supposed to be! Freeing me from the years of hurt and bottled up shame and guilt!
Cases of abuse are so prevalent that its difficult to comprehend the scale of this issue, now Im not saying your husband was abused, but there could be a variety of reasons that have caused him to go down this path, happy people do not self medicate in this way!
Try to be there for him and hopefully he can open up to you about exactly how he is feeling! Recognising feelings and triggers and learning how to cope with them will be the key to beating an addiction, again as Stillhopeful says if he is saying he is fine and its under control, for me from my own experience this is a huge red flag, as an addict in early recovery there will be countless times when the cravings are overwhelming and times when he may try to assess if he can get away with doing drugs without you noticing, these are the times he needs to talk to you and these are times you need to be there in a non judgemental way! Addictions do not just disappear overnight so these feelings will be totally normal try to embrace them with him and let him know its normal to still crave the drug, but its not ok to use!
One thing someone said to me that resonated with me quite strongly was:
Imagine your family and children on one side of a scale and the addiction on the other. Decide now which is more important! This imagine sticks in my mind every time I think about relapsing and I envisage my wife and kids high up in the air on this scale whilst the drugs are down in the gutter.
I wish you both all the best on the long journey ahead!
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I’ve really been able to relate to all your comments. My partner is currently trying to get help with his addiction but I feel hopeless at the moment. I’m so hurt by all the lies around his addiction, I don’t know if our relationship can last. Was it possible to save your marriage? All I seem to be reading about is relationships breaking up.. I really want to start a family but I don’t know if I should run before children are introduced to the situation?
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Sal98 Only you can decide what you want your life to be like but if I was you I would read through the many posts where people have had to eventually leave their partner taking their children and take this all in to consideration. I personally wouldn’t have knowingly brought children into this situation as it certainly does affect them in various ways. Also having children does tend to make MOST people more dependent on their partner.
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Your right it does seem mostly about splitting up on most of the posts but it’s a decision only you can make. Of course all the sneaking and lying wears you down in a relationship. Every one is different but what I’ve noticed is that people lose their individuality taking cocaine they seem to fit a pattern of behaviour. It’s unbelievable when I read your post and it could be my own life I’m reading.
When I first found out he did it on nights out i disapproved but i didn’t make a big thing of it as I naively believed it was something that he only did occasionally and that he would eventually stop. In the last year or so I have found he’s been doing it throughout the week at some points even every day!! . We had been at breaking point over it and then he managed to stop. I had been worried he would lose his job. I rely on him financially in our current situation and have had times over the last few years where he has messed up our finances.
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Hiya, I’ve just been reading all these posts as I’ve just found out my husband has been doing coke every day for the past 6 weeks. And a lot. Like 70 grams. And got £13k worth of loans. We have a 1 year old and a 2 year old. I feel sick, physically sick. I don’t know what to do, I really really don’t.
He has said he wants to stop, he has contacted private health and is getting councilling, something called schema which is meant to be excellent. He has found a cocaine addiction group where we are and will be going there…all these things he has proactively done himself. So part of me thinks…ok…that’s good, isn’t it?? BUT I can’t trust him? That much in such a short space of time. And 13 THOUSAND POUNDS!?? WTF! and I’m not stupid, I know he will relapse and get it again. Even if he doesn’t want to, it will happen, because it just does, doesn’t it?
Has anyone who’s posted previous to this actually came out the other end ok in their relationship?
He’s got such a good heart, he’s a fantastic dad, a brilliant husband. Just a good person. We had only been together 3 weeks and all my hair fell out and he didn’t bat an eyelid. His heart his very kind. But…this is just…I dunno, it’s another level of lying, sneaking around etc.
Anyone with any words of wisdom?
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Hi Noodles
That’s an insane amount to be doing. I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone doing so much! I would have thought that might have caused him to overdose or have a heart attack or something.
Do you know what happened? I mean how did he suddenly start using so much? Had he ever done it before or other drugs?
It’s good that he is seeking help, but the comedown if he truly was using that much will be horrendous and hard to bear (for him AND for you). I think you are right to view his efforts with caution, especially given the ages of your children.
Make sure to look after yourself, seek support for yourself and protect your finances if possible.
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Wow, I’m so sorry to hear this, I just got back from a night shift and I’m absolutely shattered so I’ll come back tomorrow but the 70 grams in 6 weeks isn’t that unrealistic for someone to do. At my worst I would buy 3.5 a day which cost 200 say 5 times a week so that over 6 weeks would be 6k
If he’s buying it as single grams and paying top dollar of 100 per the its not too far fetched to rack up a bill like that especially if some of the money was used on other things like drink.
What I’d say though is for someone to be doing a large amount every day, there would be huge tell tale signs.
He wouldn’t of been sleeping and would look wrecked.
Not eating
He would of seemed massively “off” or weird to you
His nose would have taken a battering
He would have tried to avoid seeing you or spending time at home as much as possible.
I really do hope you’re okay and tomorrow I’ll come back and go over it all again.
There’s plenty of people on here who can support you and offer you guidance so I’m glad you found the forum
James x
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James – Ahh… I thought she meant 70 a week! I worked it out as costing about 16K so thought if he got special deals like 3 for 2 etc, maybe that was how.
I agree, there is no way someone can use that much and not demonstrate outwards signs of completely changed and off behaviour.
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I’m so sorry you are me 3.5 years ago. I knew hubby done drugs before I met him & he told me he doesn’t anymore. He was going to work etc and I had zero idea he was doing it at all. Unlike your husband who told you ( massive congrats to him) mine didn’t but I found out & couldn’t believe it – he was spending hundreds of pounds a week and I didn’t know – how is this possible some May Say, well it is because it happened and has also happened three more times since without me having any idea. He doesn’t go out and does it at work etc when in a relapse and most likely in our home too & I didn’t have the foggiest . We’re still together and still in love and he’s in and out of CA , I am hopeful he will one day get it and stay clean for longer than six months at a time , my only boundaries I’ve put in place are that she continues to try & after every relapse gets back on his programme . When I see he’s given up ( hopefully that won’t happen) and just doesn’t attend CA or work hard then that will be the day we are over.
I’ve joined Al Anon and go to two meetings a week & have my own programme, not for him for me, because I need it and need the support- I would deffo recommend it to you if you haven’t already looked into it.
The main thing is you can’t control his drug usage no matter how hard you try.
I’ll tell you a. Funny ish story about the drug tests. I also brought some from Amazon a while back- before Al Anon and sprung this on him one evening- he was not keen as you can imagine , I said look I’ll do one too ( no idea why as have never taken drugs before) but anyway here I go take the test and it’s positive !!????I am not joking, you can’t write it, so I had to take another two which were then negative but of course I was thinking stupid things are wrong anyway. In the end he done one, it was positive – but so was mine so we had to do another again positive, I was all ready to go mad, then I said do another just to be sure it was negative , done another it was negative – so gave up completely . Next day i asked my best mate to do three and two were positive one negative and she also doesn’t do drugs. This lesson to me was either 1) don’t buy cheap tests or 2) just don’t bother & I chose the second one because by then had gone to first al anon meeting and realised there’s no point . Focus on yourself and look after yourself x
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Thank you so much for replying. My problem is, we have a 1 and 2 year old, and he is getting us into thousands and thousands worth of debt….£15k so far. Where does it end? He’s preventing us as a family moving forward, because we have SO MUCH DEBT.
He’s actually had his first meeting right now, he says he wants to get better but I just found out he got a quick loan for £1500 yday and has already spent £500 on coke and did it all last night. But he acts normal, is like it doesn’t affect him anymore. I just dunno how much more debt and lies I’m ‘supposed’ to put up with before I leave.
When your husband relapses, how long is it for? Is it a random night doing it? Or does he hide it for ages and wrack up a load of loans? My husband is the latter so I’m going to have to leave soon if he doesn’t change. I so desperately want my kids to grow up with us all under the same household ????
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Thank you so much for replying. My problem is, we have a 1 and 2 year old, and he is getting us into thousands and thousands worth of debt….£15k so far. Where does it end? He’s preventing us as a family moving forward, because we have SO MUCH DEBT.
He’s actually had his first meeting right now, he says he wants to get better but I just found out he got a quick loan for £1500 yday and has already spent £500 on coke and did it all last night. But he acts normal, is like it doesn’t affect him anymore. I just dunno how much more debt and lies I’m ‘supposed’ to put up with before I leave.
When your husband relapses, how long is it for? Is it a random night doing it? Or does he hide it for ages and wrack up a load of loans? My husband is the latter so I’m going to have to leave soon if he doesn’t change. I so desperately want my kids to grow up with us all under the same household ????
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I just came across this thread and am grateful for it! I too, recently found out that my husband has a crack/cocaine addiction and feel like my world has been turned upside down. I don’t know what to do anymore. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last spring and I had to put her into assisted living, then my father passed away 6 months ago, and now I feel as though I’m losing my husband.
He’s self employed but has stopped working, has drained his bank account and is now going through our joint account quite rapidly. He’s turned into someone I don’t recognize. I can’t believe anything he says anymore. He is paranoid, always accusing me of cheating and has become so mean and hurtful. I’m always walking on eggshells. He says that it only affects him and refuses to hear or understand how the children and I are affected.
The irony here is that I work in the addiction/recovery field! I know about addiction; how it affects the individual, how it affects the family, how it affects the brain and yet I feel completely lost in what to do! I know the person needs to want help, which he says he does but hasn’t taken any steps to reach out for it. I’m finding it almost impossible to be compassionate about what he is going through.
Given everything that has happened in the last 8 months, my patience and tolerance are quite low! I’m still grieving, trying to deal with my dad’s affairs, and am finding myself resenting my husband for adding more to my plate even though I know his addiction has nothing to do with me! I want to support him in any way I can but I’m struggling to let go of my anger.
I’m wondering how you all cope with the hurt, anger, resentment and fears? How do you support them?
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When I found out and confronted him (more than 30 years ago), he quit. I went thru the emotions you mentioned, prayed, read about it, went to Nar-anon meetings, and told his parents (no-one else other than a therapist – I still haven’t talked about it with anybody, but him). I figured that if he was my child and he was trying to kill himself – I would want to know. I stayed out of his way and tried to have the best day that I could, everyday.
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You are not alone it’s like reading your diary of what it’s like to live with addiction.my husband is a addict cocaine about 8 years now with massive fall outs verbally abusive to me in the past I’ve got through to him few times but he stops never for long.he ran up huge debts which ended up on me having to face collectors for him and once on Xmas day morning while he hid in bed claiming depression and never got up.I believed him every time and tried helping him I was self employed but he put me in so much debt by paying people and having nothing left to cover bills so I closed business and got employed work instead I haven’t given a penny since.I still can’t believe how much he has spent and he doesn’t care I’ve just reached the 6 year mark hopefully start seeing my credit file improve at last.my so called husband still using daily never in front of me though but having just got through Xmas not speaking to me or his parents I’ve had enough
he has fallen out with his parents few times they bailed him out but he lied about what it was for but he had to sign house to them.he started talking to them last week.I’ve been trying to get my own place been classed homeless at home over a year now tried private but credit file no references he knows I’m trapped and I stay quiet as been told to leave by my in laws is awful I don’t blame them but they blame me from what he says to them I’ve lived here 25 years.
his mood started last night in front of my 2 little grand children I was having overnight and he called me a ba****** twice saying when am I leaving.I told him don’t start now in front of the kids.he left it and went upstairs to get on it.
I can’t let him hide behind me anymore I need to tell his parents there is nothing of him left to me now
i
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Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. https://adaptoxford.org.uk. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.
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Thank you I will take a look
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