[tess29]

Anyone have any advice or experience similar? I’m interested to know whether things actually change?

Struggling to commit to my marriage

[bt1978]

Hey Tess

I’m 12 years sober in November.

I’m not sure what a healthy relationship with alcohol means tbh, you can either drink safely and stop when you have had enough, or want to, or you can’t. Maybe I’m too black and white.

I can’t diagnose anyone as alcoholic, but a quick look through the basic text of AA and you will probably see alot of similarities with what you have written. Aboit your partner above there….

The first thing to do is decide whether you want to carry on like this. That is going to mean spelling it out to him and being firm. Is he serious about wanting to change or just saying it when he feels rubbish or in the dog house?

How often is he drinking?

[tess29]

That’s fantastic, 12 years!! Amazing achievement well done

I am unsure too, I am able to stop when I’ve had enough my husband can’t ever just have one or two. I’m black and white at times, for me there’s no grey areas. U can either drink in moderation or not and my husband can’t.

I’ll have a look at the AA text.

He has started to become intimidating in front of the children now, I’ve tried speaking to his sister but he doesn’t listen to anyone!

As far as experience goes he has said it a few times and it’s usually because he’s in the dog house because I’ve had enough. This time tho, I’ve set boundaries. No physical contact, i am in the spare room. I’ve asked him not to initial conversation in front of the children and other sensible and healthy boundaries…but yesterday He said he doesn’t accept them.

He drinks Thursday to Sunday and then drinks shandy through the week. It’s like he has to have the taste.

[tess29]

One thing I forgot to mention is that my husband is blaming me. We’ve had a turbulent relationship since we met, I had a miscarriage early on in our relationship which triggered depression and then pregnant 7 months of being together. Post natal depression after the baby… I went through a rough time and didn’t deal with it well at all. He is saying that has had an impact on him mentally. A lot happened very quick so we didn’t get to know each other properly first. He’s always been a drinker even way before I met him.

His sister also had a brain haemorrhage and stroke 2 years ago, which he never acknowledged or dealt with. He has been diagnosed with accelerated hypotension and on medication for life. I am very worried about him

[bt1978]

Hey

Wow I get alot of identification there.

My wife and I lost a child around 4 years ago and I’m sure that’s where my prescription drugs abuse really took off – the trauma you have both been through will have a profound impact for sure. It sounds like he is using alcohol to martial emotions, I know I used external things to – even today (food for example)

It sounds like he needs to talk to someone first

Do you also have support?

[tess29]

Sorry to hear that!

That is good to learn. I agree with the trauma having an impact. Yes I feel that is what my husband is doing. I am awful for overeating ????

Yes he’s got a phone meeting with a local AA rep tomorrow ????????????????

I don’t have support, I have seen there is a family AA group though but not running currently due to COVID

[bt1978]

Al anon is always good, and there is always counselling and other options. I’m not fussy about how I recover tbh I’ll throw whatever I need at this stuff

[Author]

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