[tess29]

Me and my husband have been together 10 years January 2021. He has always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for as long as I’ve known him.

I’ve been through quite a lot of trauma from my upbringing, seen a lot of domestic abuse, drug and alcohol abuse from my parents. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of negative characters I’ve but I’m out the other side now, but never profess to be perfect.

Anyway cut a long story short, my husband is blaming my previous struggles in addressing negative traits from my upbringing as the reason his mental health has been affected and why he drinks. Baring in mind now he has always drank like this and even before we met.

I have tried numerous times over the years to get him to address his unhealthy relationship with alcohol and he has fought me on it. We have two young children and just moved into our forever home, but I am living an absolute nightmare.

He chose to drink all throughout lockdown, and now his moods are horrendous as he has had to reduce his drinking as he’s back at work and drives as part of his job! The negative and hostile environment he creates daily is painful for me and the kids. All of us on eggshells.

We’ve not spoken for weeks, I’m sleeping in the spare room. Because it’s like he has no filter and zero respect for me and the kids and says exactly what he’s thinking when he’s thinking it. For example, when angry at me said he wishes he could push me down the stairs and get away with it. Another example bought me flowers and then threw them in my face because I challenged him on his drinking. I haven’t set firm boundaries so I am half to blame for our situation.

He admitted to me a few days ago that he has an unhealthy relationship with the drink and wants to get help before it’s too late. We have been here before and he’s never stuck to it. I am so exhausted and have lost all trust and respect for him because of how he’s treated me and the kids. He has no patience for the children and I am left to parent when he can’t be bothered.

Fast forward to today and we had a chat to try and resolve things and I’ve asked for some boundaries to be set. He has completely blown his top and made out I don’t want the marriage because I’m trying to enforce some healthy boundaries and attach some consequences to his actions and behaviour.

The situation is absolutely breaking me. His words earlier during conversation were he doesn’t think he needs to stop drinking all together just wants a healthier relationship with alcohol. I honestly feel he should have said he wants a healthier relationship with me his wife and children. I am absolutely gutted.

He is using every opportunity to dig at me and in front of the children. My name has been mud. Same to his family too. I am at my Whitt’s end and don’t know where to turn or what to do. He doesn’t want anyone to know about this situation and won’t go to the doctor. Only thing he’s mentioned is going to an AA meeting next Wednesday ???? please help?

[tess29]

Anyone have any advice or experience similar? I’m interested to know whether things actually change?

Struggling to commit to my marriage

[bt1978]

Hey Tess

I’m 12 years sober in November.

I’m not sure what a healthy relationship with alcohol means tbh, you can either drink safely and stop when you have had enough, or want to, or you can’t. Maybe I’m too black and white.

I can’t diagnose anyone as alcoholic, but a quick look through the basic text of AA and you will probably see alot of similarities with what you have written. Aboit your partner above there….

The first thing to do is decide whether you want to carry on like this. That is going to mean spelling it out to him and being firm. Is he serious about wanting to change or just saying it when he feels rubbish or in the dog house?

How often is he drinking?

[tess29]

That’s fantastic, 12 years!! Amazing achievement well done

I am unsure too, I am able to stop when I’ve had enough my husband can’t ever just have one or two. I’m black and white at times, for me there’s no grey areas. U can either drink in moderation or not and my husband can’t.

I’ll have a look at the AA text.

He has started to become intimidating in front of the children now, I’ve tried speaking to his sister but he doesn’t listen to anyone!

As far as experience goes he has said it a few times and it’s usually because he’s in the dog house because I’ve had enough. This time tho, I’ve set boundaries. No physical contact, i am in the spare room. I’ve asked him not to initial conversation in front of the children and other sensible and healthy boundaries…but yesterday He said he doesn’t accept them.

He drinks Thursday to Sunday and then drinks shandy through the week. It’s like he has to have the taste.

[tess29]

One thing I forgot to mention is that my husband is blaming me. We’ve had a turbulent relationship since we met, I had a miscarriage early on in our relationship which triggered depression and then pregnant 7 months of being together. Post natal depression after the baby… I went through a rough time and didn’t deal with it well at all. He is saying that has had an impact on him mentally. A lot happened very quick so we didn’t get to know each other properly first. He’s always been a drinker even way before I met him.

His sister also had a brain haemorrhage and stroke 2 years ago, which he never acknowledged or dealt with. He has been diagnosed with accelerated hypotension and on medication for life. I am very worried about him

[bt1978]

Hey

Wow I get alot of identification there.

My wife and I lost a child around 4 years ago and I’m sure that’s where my prescription drugs abuse really took off – the trauma you have both been through will have a profound impact for sure. It sounds like he is using alcohol to martial emotions, I know I used external things to – even today (food for example)

It sounds like he needs to talk to someone first

Do you also have support?

[tess29]

Sorry to hear that!

That is good to learn. I agree with the trauma having an impact. Yes I feel that is what my husband is doing. I am awful for overeating ????

Yes he’s got a phone meeting with a local AA rep tomorrow ????????????????

I don’t have support, I have seen there is a family AA group though but not running currently due to COVID

[bt1978]

Al anon is always good, and there is always counselling and other options. I’m not fussy about how I recover tbh I’ll throw whatever I need at this stuff

[Author]

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