[esta]

I met the man of my dreams 3 years ago he pursued me for over a year. flowers left at my door, notes on my car windscreen it was overwhelming and all consuming. Two months in; he went to collect a £250 deposit on a job at 10am he didn’t come home until 11pm. He was crying and begging me to forgive him he had spent the money on cocaine after bumping in to an old friend. His father rang me on the Monday and asked what had happened; he told me he had a past problem with the real hard stuff before; if only he had used the word ‘Crack’. I had no idea what he meant, I had no knowledge or experience of drugs at all.

What I later learnt was that he’d had a crack addiction on and off for 20 years. Both his previous partners picked up the habit with him, he would use their money until it was gone, and then go off and use his own for binges. They both lost everything, one of them blew her £30,000 inheritance in 3 months with him. I thought they were just bitter, neither of them told me about the ‘Crack’ and none of his family were truthful, not even now.

He hid his use from me and I honestly had no idea he was using Crack. To look at him you would never guess his secret.

After the one early binge it didn’t happen again until a year later; the day before our wedding – when he disappeared in the afternoon and turned up at 8:30am on the day after spending £400. I was adamant the wedding was off; but he cried, broke down, he was distraught and hysterical, pleaded and I fell for it and the wedding went ahead. Despite what had happened It was the best day ever.

Things returned to normal or so I thought.

A month later he disappeared for the night again, and this became a regular pattern -disappear/£300/beg forgiveness. Gradually the stories emerged from his family about the repeat pattern of his behaviour; difference was I was not going to do it with him. He would always go to the same crack house and he was the only one who worked or had a vehicle so he became the cash cow for two manipulating addicts who called him their ‘Brotherling’ they spiked his crack with heroin; he was so disgusted with himself he cut his wrists and I sat with him in hospital whilst they stitched him up crying just wanting this chaos to all end. He hated himself and was adamant he would leave it all behind. He was so far In by now he was doing crack every day, trying to hide it from me, taking pregablin, Valium and benzodiazepines to cope with the come down and in turn they were making the come downs worse. He hated himself but just could not stop.

He spoke to a GP who told him to brave it out and take paracetamol for the withdrawals.

I hated his addiction but I loved him. He said all the time he just wanted a normal life away from it all. He told me he loved me everyday and would cry all the time about how ashamed he was and how much he hated himself.

He went to turning point to get help but because of the pandemic services were limited.

I was distraught I had lost my soul mate but I knew I had to leave.

I knew I was enabling him by keeping normal life going whilst he had his sideline; that was essentially killing him and me.

Life with a crack addict is horrific the nights when they disappear you worry that they have come to harm.

you hate them for choosing the drug instead of the amazing life you could have had together and the love and times you have shared.

You are going to work exhausted with stress and worry; as they come home and crash out on the sofa for the day.

Everything is pure chaos and changes who you are forever. I don’t think I will ever trust again

I wake up every night feeling anxious and guilty for leaving him

Will this feeling ever pass

He was the love of my life but Crack was his; and is stronger than anything

it truly is The Devil Drug

[emma123]

I could have almost written this word for word myself! I’ve just gone through basically the same thing & it’s the most horrific, helpless, souls destroying thing I have ever experienced. You HAVE to do what is right for you though, you have done everything & more just like I have tried & as hard as it is to walk away, you have to do it for your own sanity. It’s so hard to not feel guilty – even though we did not cause it you feel awful for leaving & I too fear my ex will only end up one way. The fact that these were good, hard working, conscientious men (my ex was my perfect human & most amazing man) That drug has robbed him of everything (and myself in turn). Sadly you have to walk away though, my ex will not accept professional help & is currently blaming me for everything (to anyone that will listen) & going through stages of psychosis/paranoia & denial. It’s so hard to stay strong but we have to. I have to keep reminding myself that isn’t the man I fell in love with anymore, I just have to pray that one day he can fight that demon when he is ready. How I will ever trust again I have no idea. That drug is the devil

[esta]

I started reading the message boards because I had no clue what the hell was going on.

I couldn’t believe that someone could say they loved you and then behave that way. You have to learn not to take it personally but that is so hard! You can’t help it.

I literally had no experience of drugs and I wish I never had.

I felt so betrayed but I do hang on to the fact that there were some amazingly great times between the binges and the final descent into full addiction.

I found him talking to me (but himself) in the garage at 1am one night and then hiding behind the bins as he thought people were going to shoot him. So almost positive that he was in the beginnings of psychosis.

There was no reasoning with him at the end; his addict mates had full control of him. They both were homeless and took full advantage of him that was absolutely heartbreaking to see him being destroyed at the same time.

None of them care about anything but drugs heroin/crack whatever they can get their hands on.

He used to get texts coming through saying “New Food on NOW be quick for best around tonight” and so forth absolutely degrading and humiliating but shows the power they have over addicts who they treat like idiots because that’s what Crack does turns your brain into a dead dark place.

[emma123]

My ex convinced himself the neighbours were trying to climb through the airing cupboard, were doing sexual things in their garden shed & the latest is that he thinks I’ve put spyware on his phone – He’s told people I’ve been having an affair, the list goes on. He thinks all his social media/bank accounts keep getting hacked (when in reality it’s him sending all the stuff to people/women – he’s become obsessed with sex & slept with a prostitutes) – it’s heart breaking – I’m the only one that seems to be able to see the scale of it all & his family/friends are just hiding their heads in the sand. I’ve had a phone call from him tonight in tears, it’s utterly heartbreaking but he won’t admit he’s still using, it’s like he thinks there’s another person that’s doing all this stuff & it’s not actually him. The most awful thing is the dealer actually picked him out to do all this – he got him to try it November last year – as he told me at the time when he came home & I was livid but I remember the lads name & where he was from that got him to try it… low & behold that’s now his dealer – he messages him things like ‘tier 4 tonight mate, got the good stuff in, need it gone’ – he just wont leave him alone so he doesn’t stand a chance. He must have spend about 30k in a year on the stuff – he’s worked to hard for what he’s got & now it’s all gone. It’s all just so, so sad. I’m about 5 weeks in to finding everything out, I’ve done so much research & like you, I was just enabling it all so I knew I had to go & give the house up. I’m hoping it gets easier, for both of us!

[esta]

How did you find out about the prostitutes

[esta]

it is horrendous how similar all the stories of addiction are.

Have you had any counselling

I have spent the last 10 weeks processing the last horrendous year

Sleepless nights waking up heart beating feeling guilty. Posting on here was a massive off load and relief for me.

I feel that finally there is distance and I am turning a corner, the burden of carrying the weight is lifting. The addiction is not mine but you get dragged in like a co conspirator hiding it from everyone. The more that occurs it begins to normalise as they try to assure you loads of people do it and this will be the last time anyway.

Leaving the crack chaotic environment and trying to step into work and function as real normal people do when you are screaming inside. I had to leave my phone off and delete my work number from his phone in the end as I would get calls for money.

[esta]

Today I have felt so sad.

talking about it has brought up so many feelings

[emma123]

Sorry for the late reply, had the most horrendous week, finally got the house sorted last weekend which was a nightmare in itself, He had tears, tantrums, coke & cigarette breaks all while I was running around trying to get the last of his things out for the final inspection. This week I have felt like someone has died all over again. I’ve had all the emotional messages to deal with, the ‘I was going to propose On valentines day’ – it’s absolutely smashed me to pieces but I’ve had to stay strong. He’s still very much in denial about the whole thing & his use is as bad as ever, it breaks my heart but I know there is nothing more I can do. I found out about the girls & the prostitutes by going through his phone – his broke after his car accident & was using the spare & the pin was on the box – I had lots of disgusting photos to go through as well as messages to other girls dating back over a year. He looks so desperately I’ll now, it breaks my heart – even now – he’s told everyone I’ve been having an affair, I’ve put spy ware on his phones, I’ve been stalking him, you name it – and I’ve just had to suck it up & keep my head down as he became obsessed with recording me in the house & accusing me of things (hearing & seeing things that weren’t there) & getting really nasty about it. I’m hoping now the house is done his focus will shift & everyone else will be able to see the true extent of it. Hope you are feeeling a bit better since your last message x

[esta]

Hi Emma

How are you doing?

I am 15 weeks in now and after the initial leave, I did go through a phase week 8/9 of wanting back the man I had initially met. But he’s long gone.

I am past that now; as I recall nearly everyday yet another situation that I never want to go back to.

You forget things in the grief of the loss.

I had some phone calls and by the end I felt that I was withdrawing as myself to keep the conversation calm

I realise now how much of myself I had lost.

Reading on here really helps

I hope you are okay

I think the worst thing is you never really get true closure. So many unanswered questions.

you don’t realise how far off the Mark your judgement becomes.

My friends have been shocked and saddened by it all.

Your husband trying to get you to smoke crack with him …

Your husband stealing money from you and disappearing and not explaining where they have been …

I miss him everyday

But I know I can’t go back

[esta]

The more I read; there seems to be the recurring pattern

Don’t beat yourself up for being strong

you had to take Steps to protect yourself and you tried to support him and had it thrown back at you.

Moving forward is hard but it will get easier hopefully

P.S I did have a little giggle at the end of one of your posts I think you will know which one!

[emma123]

Hey! I’m getting there thank you, I deleted & blocked him off everything a couple of days ago as I was still in contact with him but the lies just kept coming & I had to see the manipulation for what it was – so I’ve been really down again but I know I’ve got to keep moving forward. He’s been sleeping with girls in the village who are buying in to all his nonsense & I just feel so humiliated, embarrassed & like I could run away. Work have started to realise there is something seriously wrong With him (not just depression/all the other random things he keeps coming up with) so it won’t be long till it all unravels, it’s just been so hard when he’s made me the scapegoat for everything & people are still buying his lies while I’m the one left heartbroken & destroyed. I’m hopefully moving away in a couple of months as everything is just a constant reminder of him & I’m still torn between feeling sad for him, angry at him, embarrassed for him, guilty myself, it’s awful. He’s absolutely destroyed my life & mental heath but the only person he is concerned about is himself & that evil white powder. Like you say, it’s so hard knowing you will never really get the closure/answers we so desperately want. I really hope he gets the help he needs but until he is ready to be honest with himself he will be stuck in that black hole forever & I am not willing to get stuck in that with him. I’m so glad you’re feeling better & it’s given me hope that it will keep getting easier. I just want to have hope for the future again & it’s hard to see that at the moment. Like you, all my friends have been shocked & horrified by it all, they have all been brilliant with me but it gets to a point where I feel guilty for going on about it all the time! I just want it to stop consuming my every thought as I beat myself up about that too. Fingers crossed it’s onwards & upwards from here x

[esta]

Emma, try to rise above it.

Part of it is the lack of closure and wanting to know things you will never know the truth about.

I bet like here in my village; half the people know what he is really up to, but will not talk about it because they feel for you. People here say to me “promise you will stay away from him now. we were so worried but did not know how to help you”

They can see what is going on, the late night tracks in and out, the addict health sticks out a mile.

people know violence and chaos is attached and they don’t want the comeback if they get involved; because let’s be honest it’s a very sticky web that’s so hard to shake off.

I absolutely hate all the darkness it brings

Mine is now in hospital he’s overdosed on a binge of Crack and Benzos (on top of the handfuls of pregablin, Valium and taramadol he takes daily)

He’s been detained so I have no idea what will happen next

[esta]

Also Emma

I think that because I was with him people assumed I was doing the same thing.

I guess with the lack of sleep, stress, weight loss from worry I began to look like I was using.

I do enjoy now going to sleep without the endless clattering about downstairs, the grind of the knife on the plate chopping the crack, the lighter firing, the TV controller getting dropped for the millionth time; the back door going and the car starting every three hours as he went off to town for another pick up, oh and then the alarm for me to get up for work as he lay dribbling into the sofa

No I do not miss it one bit!

Emma dig deep; you are hurt, but you made a decision based on what was happening to you. In time you will heal

[emma123]

Hi Esta,

Thank you for replying, I actually feel better each time I read one of your messages! I’ve been feeling stronger each day that passes with no contract & feel like the cloud is lifting every day so I can see things for what they really are – now I don’t have all the guilt tripping & worrying with being in contact with him I’m finally starting to put things in to perspective. I know things will inevitably unravel for him & the truth will be out – like you I live in a small village so to begin with when he was spreading all the lies about me I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere & that everyone was judging & blaming me as he was shouting it from the rooftops that he was having a mental breakdown because I’d left him (more tactics to avoid the truth coming out & a LOT of people bought in to it) – but now his actions are speaking louder than his words & the truth is starting to circulate. I suspect he’ll end up in the same situation as your ex & tbh I think that’s the best place for him. I deleted all pictures of him off my social media & blocked him as I do not want to be associated with him & that stuff in any way, shape or form. I too lost 1.5 stone in a month from stress & worry, like you say, the sleepless nights, the constant churning in your stomach & anxiety levels through the roof – and then having to go to work & try to function like a normal person while you’re living in a nightmare & they are high as kites (and in my case having sex with anyone he can). I don’t miss that at all either, his poor parents will have that now & the silly girls he’s been manipulating over the last few months. I’m glad I’ve got to a stage where I can say they are welcome to it!! I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone but it’s so shocking how many people are in the same boat! We can only keep getting stronger & rebuilding our own lives now & hopefully one day this will all just be a distant memory xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Esta,

I’m so sorry to read your story and really sorry to see all that you have been through with your husband’s crack addiction.

You sound very strong but if you would like some support I work for a charity called Icarus trust and you may like to contact us as we offer support to people who are in your position as we know how hard it is to live with a family member’s addiction. We have people who you could talk with which might help you through this difficult time.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[esta]

Emma, Glad you are having a better day I really am.

Today mine has been FaceTiming me from hospital he thinks he is in town; he said I walked here I can’t get home can you come and pick me up ….

Looking at the vulnerable man crying gets to me so badly

But then when I said I couldn’t come; he told me to F off so that helped!!

One of his so called brotherlings has started Calling me because he knows he is in hospital – saying he owes him £175 not how is he..

Emma just a quick one – you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to

Did yours ever ask you to do ‘it’ with him?

[emma123]

Oh god, that must be so hard to have to deal with but stay strong & try to stay focused. It does help when you get the standard ‘f off’ response from them when they hear the words NO & it reminds you of the person you’re actually dealing with now. And getting the phone call from his ‘brotherling’ – like you said in a previous message, another daily reminder of something you do not ever want to go back to. That is not normal life, it’s a hideous dark place that you do not belong in. My situation on that front is slightly different – when I was younger (we’re talking ten years ago) I dabbled with drugs with friends recreationally at festivals, parties etc but as I grew older it became something I started to hate – I’ve seen some people in some hideous states & what it does to people’s lives & It never interested me as I grew up – I actually became quite anti drugs & had no time of day for anyone involved with them. My ex was aware of all this & when I found out about his addiction he said that the only reason he wanted to try it in the first place is because I did it in the past. And that if we’d have bought some Coke together & done it at home together for one night (would NEVER have happened) he would have been happy & not gone down the route he has & ended up an addict! That was really hard to listen to, it’s another thing that had me blaming myself for a long time – because of my past he wanted to do it – but then I thought sensibly about it & it was nothing to do with me, that was his choice – and he didn’t just ‘try’ it like he said he wanted to – he used for over a year & became an addict. It’s his fault, his choices & his life – I gave him the most perfect home life & loved him more than anything – it wasn’t enough & I have to keep reminding myself that I am the victim in all this – not him – I didn’t choose what has happened/done to me – he did. Hope you’re feeling okay today xx

[esta]

Emma

Thank you for your honesty

I really appreciate your posts

I feel better also for your words

You keep your integrity and your sense of worth.

[esta]

Hi Emma

How’s things?

Getting better with space?

Mine is undergoing in-patient psychiatric assessment still

He is being impulsive and violent

What a waste of life and a good man

Feel very sad but the decisions have all been taken away from me now and strangely the guilt too.

This is his fault he pushed it all to the very limit

He knew the consequences

He actually said to me yesterday how stupid he has been, that he loved me so much.

He then asked me to get him out; when I said I couldn’t he started calling me an f Ing bitch etc

I don’t know if he will ever recover

[emma123]

Hi Esta, hope you are well apart from the obvious! I’ve only just seen your last two messages!

Wow, what an update that is on your front but really sounds like the best place for him – that stuff absolutely scrambles their brains so badly & there’s nothing you can do now – or could do in the past – like you say, they play the game, they know the risks – and we become so far down on the priority list compared to the drugs nothing we could say or do will stop them. Hopefully this is your husbands rock bottom & he’ll turn his life around when/if he comes out the other side. It’s so sad & it’s such a waste isn’t it. Stay strong & keep remembering how far you’ve come – it’s hard to try & rebuild your life when they are constantly a lingering thought/worry in the back of your mind but it does & will get easier. Remember – we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it & we can’t cure it – the only thing we can do is rebuild our own broken lives now & let them choose the fate of their own. Things are a bit different on my front – I’m still talking to the ex & I’ve seen him a couple of times – he’s done just over a week clean & seems like a totally different person, He’s back to work in 2 weeks (they will be drug testing him though) & I’m really hoping this is the start of him turning his life around. Some of the things he’s told me that he’s done & the people he’s been involved with just shocks & horrifies me, he still has dealers pestering him & from what I could gather he was doing drug runs for coke at some point. I don’t know what has clicked with him but he’s determined to get his life back. I really hope he does, there’s a good man in there underneath but he’ll never be the same man I fell in love with so I know I can never go back there despite his best efforts. And if I’m honest I still find a lot of his behaviour very manipulative, he will only tell you what he wants to, I can tell he’s still lying about some things & I don’t actually think he’s that sorry for the way he’s treated me at all & how broken I am (the lack of empathy comes from the coke use). He just says it wasn’t the real him & he’s blaming depression & mental health issues (which i believe is true to an extent) but it’s not an excuse for everything he’s done. I find it quite laughable sometimes when he won’t just own what he’s done – I’m sure we’d all love to say ‘it wasn’t the real me so I can’t be held accountable for my actions’ every time we made a mistake but I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that! I think between the heavy drug use, bang to the head with the car accident & subsequent mental health issues he will always struggle in future & he’ll never the man I loved again & I’ve accepted that now. I’m moving out the village at the weekend to my dream home in the middle of nowhere so I’m really excited about that! I can’t bear the thought of running in to one of the girls he’s slept with in the village or his parents/family who he’s made me the scapegoat to. I can’t wait to start the next chapter of rebuilding my life! Keep going, it will get easier xx

[esta]

When Someone You Love has an Addiction

Emma this is probably the best article I have ever found on addiction

How’s things

[emma123]

Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, there’s no one around for miles apart from the neighbours in the house next door – I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx

[emma123]

Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, there’s no one around for miles apart from the neighbours in the house next door – I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gyets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx

[emma123]

Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gyets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx

[esta]

Hi Emma

How’s things with you

still good I hope with more distance.

It’s 23 weeks now and every day is better.

Looking at a new house on Thursday in a total new area to escape

He is still on psych ward and having a horrible time. He is completely in the grip of psychosis and so variable as you would expect.

[esta]

Sorry that cut short

Have you like me learnt little bits of extra (horrid info) since being apart?

Really hoping things are good for you

Every day gets better xxx

[emma123]

So good to hear from you, I was only thinking about you the other day! My life has just got better & better! I LOVE my new home, I’m back out competing & doing what I love with my horses & I have them both here with me at home which is a dream come true! I’ve had a big pay rise at work, had my hair done (and by Botox) ha ha! so I feel a million dollars! I’ve been out for meals with friends, doing all the things I love again that make me happy that I didn’t realise he had slowly stripped away from me & life couldn’t be better. He’s done a few things that have set me back like messaging me on my birthday (I subsequently spent the whole day in tears) & he sat in a lay by near my house a few weeks ago but I just told him to sod off in no uncertain terms. I avoid going back to the village because it just upsets me/makes me angry but I think that will fade in time. Everyone knows the truth about him now despite him blaming it all on ‘mental Health’ (And me) which has also made me feel a lot better & I care less & less about it every day. I’ve started dating a really nice guy too who has made me realise how wrong my ex was for me in so many ways & I’ve told him everything, I was really worried that I would never be able to trust someone again but it hasn’t affected me (as yet & i’m hoping it stays that way!) I hope the house viewing goes well, moving away was the BEST thing I did. Does he still contact you? Xx

[esta]

Emma

I am so so pleased for you.

Yes I am just he only person he has his mother is a chronic alcoholic and his father well he is a lifelong womaniser.

He swears at me mostly which makes me laugh now. Yesterday he asked me to bring his hammer, come to his bedroom window and smash it so he could get

He cries and I do feel sorry for him but it doesn’t make me sad anymore.

I don’t love him anymore.

I couldn’t be around him anymore; I have lost all respect for him and when he calls my heart sinks as I don’t really want to talk to him.

I can still hear the manipulation in some of the tings he says; “If I don’t make it out of here, always be happy” that really choked me at the time. But then I thought about it and it was just a keep me there wasn’t it, So I keep worrying about him.

I found some videos yesterday of him (now I realise) on Valium. I found the tablets in his garage and didn’t know what they were at the time.

I wonder if he will actually ever come out; he is all over the place. I think it would be easier to name what tablets he wasn’t taking (his mate did eventually tell me) the list was endless topped off with a daily chronic crack habit his brain chemistry must be completely knackered.

His mate also did say to me “he was always like it you just didn’t see it”

His addiction goes back 20+ years and he is asking the psychiatrist and carers to get him crack

I absolutely do not want a relationship! You are so brave.

You have a new and fresh start make sure it stays positive and very importantly on your terms

[esta]

You have a new and fresh start make sure it stays positive and very importantly on your terms

[emma123]

How are you? I keep thinking about you & hope things are going well & you’re healing with time. Have you got moved & settled? Xx

[emma123]

How are you? I keep thinking about you & hope things are going well & youg’re healing with time. Have you got moved & settled? Xx

[esta]

Yes Emma

Have been thinking of you too!

life is so much better

I have actually visited him a couple of times and left feeling completely relieved his manipulation has no effect anymore

He always asks me to buy him something (a van for one!) and that he will pay me back

Yeh right!

His idea of finances – what is mine is mine and what is yours is ours

No more thank goodness

I am so in love with being single that I cannot imagine ever being in a relationship again

He will be in the ward for at least another 3 months he is still asking for crack

It will never go – it is who he is

I can’t hold a grudge it’s not good for you and partly my fault for falling into the trap

But life goes on and I do feel so much better all the time

What about you?

[emma123]

So good to hear from you! And I’m so glad you’re feeling better & life is good again for you now. What a journey ay, basically to hell & back – I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m in a great place, I’m so happy in my little home, everything is going great with the horses & I’m super busy all the time, living life for myself again (Out with friends, going on a beach holiday with the horses & the girls next week etc) & I look & feel fab so that really helps. I won’t lie, I still feel very bitter about the whole situation, he’s moved on to a new victim now & a few people are still buying in to his lies. I really don’t know what is going on with him on the drug front as I haven’t spoken to him for months – (although I do know he’s still in an awful amount of debt & burying his head in the sand on that front). Sometimes I feel like asking him to meet me so I can go over everything as I feel like I need that closure & some answers & to make him realise what he actually did but deep down I know it’s totally pointless & he’s created this bizzare reality for himself that it’s all been down to anxiety, depression & PTSD from crashing his truck (high as a kite) & he’s the victim in the whole sorry mess. He’ll never be ‘right’ again now & I know that, that’s all the closure I should need. I hate that he’s told so many lies about me & people will never really know how horrific it was & what I had to endure. I know I’ll never really get the answers I want or the truth so I have to let it go, I hate that it still has a hold over me but hopefully it will continue to fade in time. I’m still seeing the same guy I was last time we spoke, it’s very steady away which is all I’m really capable of for the foreseeable but he’s been a big help & it’s nice to know it hasn’t ruined my faith in the entire male species as I was worried I would turn very cold & bitter on that front. I’m so glad we made it out – when I read the stories on here of people who have been stuck in this nightmare for years I KNOW I made the right decision as quickly as I did xx

[esta]

Yes you will never get the answers you want

And in time it won’t matter anymore

You are right it’s good to be out

Sounds like you are having really good times and long may that continue

I actually can’t believe what has happened

Now I look back it’s like a horrific bad dream

[susan-church]

I feel better for coming across these posts

As in I’m not alone thank god

So hi my story is this

Together for quite a few years

He suffers with depression anxiety p t s d

From child hood trauma

Lots of health problems

Anyway

I met him he was amazing

Fun

Built like a protector

I felt safe

I felt happy

We had a child

He was an amazing father

He cooked

He cleaned

He loved doing things

The list goes on

Then one day I arrive home to find him doing drugs in the house

He had lost weight and I kept saying to a few friends do you think he has cancer I was crying every day he looked so ill

He would get up and not wash or have food straight out the door all day long stop working just out all day and then lies saying he broke down in his car or he fell a sleep round a friends house so many things happened to him the list is long

I fell for it all

I got him in the doctors for blood tests

I was worried sick

Turns out he was bang on hard drugs

As rewind to me coming home finding him doing them

I threw him out straight away

He went to a hostel

He said he would get help and change

So few weeks later I took him back

Because I did not want to break my family up

And I loved him with every part of me

He did change for a while

Few months later bang on it again

He broke down and said he needed help

And he wanted to die

So of course I stuck with hi. And got him help

We moved home to get away from people

And things were going good

And then one day I was making the bed and found something that had come out of his pocket as he started to sleep in his clothes ready to get out the house quicker so I threw him out he went to stay with a friend

And went to a help centre and went on medication that I watch him take daily

He hasn’t gone back he looks better has weight on him but … he has now replaced the addiction with drink he drinks all day every day and takes painnkilllers and smokes weed

I finally had enough of him not working anymore not doing anything with me or the kids not helping me around the house him not looking after himself anymore his angry he can be nasty with his words he has no respect for me he just uses me for money that I threw him out finally I don’t know how I did but I did

And he now has his own flat

And I feel so guilty

I feel like I have abandoned him

I feel like the worse person

I don’t know whether I’m going to find him dead or alive every day my anxiety is sky home

I go to work and I feel better as I’m not thinking about him

Then night time comes and I don’t know if he is ok and taking his tablets

He treats me like an emotional punchbag

And I can’t take seeing him

I can’t take talking to him

I can’t speaking to him

But I have to

For the kids sake

I have to check he is ok

As I don’t want this kids to loose there dad

I am trying so hard

I agree with everything he says to save the stress and worry and angry

I have no life

He can’t let go off me

He says it’s my fault he has turned out the way he has

He says I’m a bad person for making him leave the family home but he dose not see that he made me do it with his behaviours

I hate my self

I hate him for doing this to our family

We had it all

[esta]

replied to myself as you will read but I need to add this too

I have since found out that my ex first started smoking crack aged18

He had a long term girlfriend from 18 until 26 they smoked crack together even through and after the birth oh his first daughter

Her parents came round unexpectedly one Saturday morning and they found her unconscious on the Sofa surrounded by paraphernalia – he had gone out to score – they told her him or us – she came to her senses and left him- he got into an argument with her and punched her and knocked her out – ended up doing 12months sentence. He told me he came home and caught her with someone else …..

On leaving prison he was at a party doing all sorts and he got caught by a one night stand – they were both long term heavy drug users and they ended up having 2 girls both mistakes and had a horrifically domestic violent fuelled by both of them using drink and drugs

relationship for 3 years

Then he was temping and met an older woman (15 yrs older) who worked in accounts she was a heavy drinker liked to party but had her own house, a nice life until she met him – he got her smoking crack she lost her home, her job and all her savings. her kids came round one Saturday morning and caught them still on an binge horrific! But she stuck by him and turned on her kids (she had 5)

He had flings she knew but turned a blind eye and loved smoking crack and he go her involved in sordid internet hook ups with blokes and even with other addicts that they were scoring with! They were together 6 years. She now lives in a council flat, and he goes around to smoke crack and takes her prescription pills off her

When I Met him he told me his ex had spent all the money and hidden the bills, and that he had had lost his business because of her …

I never for one moment had an inkling about drugs

He never ever mentioned drugs

All his family kept quiet and lied to my face

Now I know the whole truth and although I had the unpleasant experience of having this lying, cheating, (because oh yes he did: lots of times when he was high, even though I was his angel, love of his life, can’t live without you, no one compares to you!) master manipulator in my life

I have managed to get free and move on

He begged me to have a child with him even bragged that all his kids were carried small, yes because they were all 3 crack babies!!

Now I realise he was using crack quietly right from the beginning

He hid so much from me, and so did his family

He has been a drug using serial cheater all his life but is so practised at it that he is a master manipulator

I cannot believe I fell for it but I did and it’s been the biggest and hardest lesson of my life

I was in a bad place after divorce when I met him and I loved the attention he lavished on me – I was a sitting duck – a new cash flow

Thank god I did not try it or let him take me down with him because he would try and get me to smoke it all the time

Apparently he is obsessed with head when he is doing a pipe

To him it was second nature it was his hobby he lived for it – not me – or his kids – for crack and that’s hard to accept but because they lie (and they lie so well) you get stuck in the fantasy of being the only one who really knows them; can save them; covering up for them a conspirator and codependent, But really you are just the only one who can’t see the whole truth who is being used and abused beyond all limits without any real care or attention

[esta]

Firstly hello and yes you have found a great place to help you make sense of his actions and try to regain yourself

Reading on here you will see that your story and my story and so many others are so familiar

It will really help you – keep looking and reading and eventually you will regain your strength

All the choices you have had to make are caused by him

Him lying

Him choosing drugs over you and his kids

Don’t you dare feel guilty – we all do initially as we have all been manipulated emotionally and destroyed mentally

You need space to let your brain untangle and to rest i bet you are exhausted

You just take a step back

If he doesn’t take his Tablets that’s his Fault he is an adult

He won’t forget to buy his drugs

He won’t forget to roll his joint or crack open a beer

He won’t think I should give this last bit of money to you to feed the kids or pay a bill he will just put his hand out for more and walk away to score without giving any of you another thought

He will disappear for the night/days and not spare one thought for you or the kids

You have nothing to feel guilty for or to try and prove you are a good person to anyone except your kids

One thing – I can guarantee there is more for you to discover and it won’t be pretty or nice but please remember that it does not reflect On you

It is the worst thing to go through

Grief – despair – anger – self loathing – loss of control – isolation

Feels like you will never be the same agin but you will because there will be a point where your feelings will change

Your strength will come back

You will say – no more – you can’t keep me in that place anymore – I am so over your BS – Bad you will move on – it doesn’t mean you have to hold a grudge or carry hate around – it means you will let it go and the weight will lift and your head won’t be full of negative waste of time crap anymore

And you will smile x

Don’t hate yourself

All you did was fall in love with an addict and let your goodness be used against you xx

[hilton]

[esta]

Okay so I have been thinking about how to reply to you all day

When I first met my ex

The first night we went out we went to a pub where we bumped into one of his Childhood friends who turned out to be a dealer

His girlfriend was older and adored him he cooked up crack – At time I had no idea – as he passed the pipe round

I declined but Watched how he took the piss out of her but I couldn’t work out if it was banter because of the drugs or he meant it

He had told her to get a tattoo – it was a crown and said KIng and his name on her very low abdomen which she then showed us!!

He told her he was going to marry her – when I came out of the bathroom he was there and gestured for me to come in with him – one hand on his crotch!!

She had spent years trying to stop drinking and drugs but he was supplying her and it was obvious she needed to stop she had involuntary twitches and her daughter was so upset at her physical decline

I felt like saying come home with us we’ll drop you home you shouldn’t be here but I knew that she would be back the next day so no point – he had her just where he wanted her

But the damage he was doing and saying he loved her it was so wrong

Addicts tell us what we want to hear

I can see from your posts you are in a bad place and I feel you may need more help to get out and move on

But you say older should no netter

None of us chose to fall in love with an abuser because that’s what they are and I think what we have to realise is we all want to be loved and feeling loved is amazing – that is why You have to stop and really think about this because what you are living in is now not love on any level

It’s convenient

It’s familiar

It’s safe even though it’s abusive and very damaging

The night before we got married my ex disappeared ;the first major crack binge that happened, I have since learnt he was with a woman. I had left in the middle of the night he came and found me in the morning he was hysterical, begging me not to leave him swearing on his kids lives no women were involved and I gave in. I think he even sneaked off twice to buy crack during our honeymoon.

I literally had no idea about drugs back then. Or the levels of deception and deceit or the lengths addicts will go to without any remorse or feeling for anyone they hurt along the way

You know being on your own is actually a lot less lonely than being in a relationship with an addict sat waiting for a sign of life being picked up and dropped as they please

They actually choose a strong anchor to hold down their life for them which is why you feel if you walk away they will disappear into orbit but they won’t they will just find a new anchor

And that’s a crap feeling knowing you are replaceable because you want to be the one that’s what they told us again and again

But so what – you will be free and the next person will have to learn the hard way. And don’t fret that person will be better than you because of course they will be initially; but the Penny will eventually drop for them and you will be long gone

I too have had 25 + years of abuse which is why being on your own is actually exactly what you need

The smallest freedoms should be celebrated and you deserve more

I hope that you find the strength to cut him off

Small steps away from him

You really must be strong

None of us know what tomorrow brings but to live in this misery is not right

My mother died at 56 and I know she would kick me into next week if she thought I would Waste anymore of my life on sadness or waste my strength trying to save someone who treated me with such little respect

Please please do whatever it takes to set yourself free xxx

[emma123]

How’s things? Xxx

[bolton82]

Reading this is absolutely heartbreaking. Exact same situation here ???????? 11 year relationship and 2 children in though, he started using (unknown to me until our 2nd child was born) about 5 years ago and still to this day it’s the same repetitive behaviours. I do feel a bit better knowing that with crack it seems to be the same stories all around? I was taking it so personally. Hard having to explain to a 3 & 4 year old where Daddy has gone, as I am having to do this morning.

Hope everyone is well & holding up ❤️

[hilton]

[emma123]

Just wondering how you are.. still think of you! Hope life is treating you kindly x

[Author]

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