[lc87]

Hi all,

I’ve been with my husband for 10years, married 7years. Found out he has been smoking cocaine…. He says he’s not smoking crack and he smoking cocaine and convinced me there is a difference even though the councillors I been speaking to said there is no difference.

He was a hard working man…. Great dad to our 5 year old…. But in January after getting suspended from work his behaviour changed. He started going out all the time, not answering phone, coming in at 4am, 7am and sometimes didn’t come home. When hr was home he just crashed on the sofa all day, if I woke him he would be angry and nasty. Then he would get up and go out again. I thought he was depressed and he said he was trying to make money. He was borrowing so much money from family and getting me to borrow money from my family. I knew he had a credit card and thought it had got out of control… what I didn’t know is he was in over £40,000 debt with over 6 credit cards!!! I didn’t understand where the money had gone. Things got worse and by July I had one of his friends wife call me and say I needed to get my husband help because he was a crack head… I found it so funny I laughed… my husband addicted to crack… never in a million years… how stupid was I!

His behaviour was very odd… angry then crying, the cogs started turning. I did ask him if he was doing drugs to which he denied and made me think I was going crazy. I then ordered tests off eBay, he forgot to flush one morning so I dipped the test in toilet! Blazing positive for cocaine.

I confronted him, he said he had a line when the football on but it was no big deal. By then I couldn’t shake the feeling he was lying, as he was always out I search his study…. Full of Brillo pad pieces and a pipe… I confronted again… he said he smokes weed in it. However I knew the smell of weed from my teenage years and it didn’t smell of weed. More weeks of disappearing and desperate need for money he said he was smoking cocaine and not crack (which I now know is the same thing)… he said he did it because it was cheaper than weed ( as a non drug taker I believed everything he said) I told him to stop- he said he would by replacing with weed. The week it blew up was he was hanging out with my sister and asked her to take him to get some weed, he ended up buying coke. She left him there and drove off. Long story short he made up some story about samples and he was gona sell it not take it… again stupid me believed him and gave him another chance…. Then 4 days later he went out and when he came back home I searched him as my gut told me… he tried to do a sneaky and got something out his pocket and quickly put it down his T-shirt by his neck- I swore and grabbed the bad… it had little white things, couldn’t really see properly cz as soon as I had it he nearly broke my hand to get it back. He lied said it was edable weed, which I googled photos of and it wasn’t. I chucked him out that day and changed the locks!!!!

4 weeks later is where I am at, I’ve had him ignoring me, blaming everything on me… keeps saying you chucked me out… what about the 7 months of u not being around at all. He manipulates me into giving him

Money, sad story about having no food or fags. Calls our child when he wants to sweeten me up to give him money.

Got access to our joint account and found out that he also been gambling grands and grands!

I’m so angry but at the same time I’m sad because he has ruined his life with this poison. I still love him so much and just can’t believe what he has changed into!

This is a shortened version of the story but there has been a lot of heartache since January!

I’m confused what I should be doing with contact with our 5 year old child…. He says he will call him everyday at 5 then he misses days but our child confused.

Every therapist I spoke to said he has to hit rock bottom… does that mean not letting him speak to his child so he hits it??

I really don’t know what I’m doing… my emotions are all over the place.

Please any help or advice would be great, especially how to deal with a young child. X

[redfox20]

Hey, Hope you’re okay. I would like to just say that you have done absolutely the right thing by cutting yourself off from him and changing the locks. As it will only get worse before it will get better and he will only continue to manipulate you or lie to you if he’s in your home. It will also mentally impact you in time as it’s a lot of stress dealing with and living with an addict on a daily basis. Talking to people is key to helping you are in touch with a therapist which is brilliant. Keep to your boundaries and don’t enable him this will only make the addiction worse. My son was 6 when it started happening i would tell him that daddy isn’t very well right now and he needs to get better and sometimes when he’s sick it’s hard for him to be there for us but when he’s well and able he will be there. I also don’t tell my son when he’s coming round or say anything until he’s knocking at the door to see him that way he’s not let down as it’s only me that knew. It’s so hard what to allow if your child is safe seeing their father then contact would be a good thing I know that sometimes pulling them away makes the addict worse they then hit self destruct. There is a limit however if they are high all the time, unable to care for the child and their needs or abusive then contact should be stopped. I think calling everyday is difficult to keep as he will be preoccupied with he’s addiction and needing to use so maybe discuss something more flexible or if he at least calls twice a week to speak with your child. It’s more manageable and your little one is hopefully less likely to be let down by there father. Hope this helps x

[lc87]

Thanks so much for your reply.

It’s very hard… my emotions are all over the place. I’m so mad but then sad and a part of me hopeful that he will sort himself and come back to us.

I’m abit confused with the contact with my son because a lot of the ex-addicts I talked to said they needed to hit rock bottom before they got help…. By me cutting him off from us would that make him want to go rehab and get help?

I seriously am out of my depth and just don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

I just want him to go rehab and come home to us so we can be a family again.

It’s like he doesn’t even miss us or care, I’m so heartbroken.

Even with everything he’s done, the lying the staying out and not caring, blaming me for everything, gambling, his addiction, I would forgive it all in a heartbeat if got help and wanted to fix things but he doesn’t want to.

Do I have to accept my husband is gone forever, do I look at it like the relationship is over and I have to move on or it’s just a break until he wants help, what if he never wants help.

You said your son was 6 years old, did u stay with your husband and did he ever change and want to get help? And what was the point/ the thing that made he want to change?

Thanks ????

[harper35]

Hi there I can relate to your story on the same substance use my boyfriend of 2 years is also a crack addict it wasn’t clear to me to begin with I suspected he used cocaine as a recreational user but to my horror it was crack! There was red flags from the start but I foolishly believed I could change him this is not the case, I dont live with him and when hes using I barely see him he will go off and I feel nothing but neglect all I ever hear is I love you no actions only words that mean absolutely nothing, I’ve ended the realtionship quite a number of times but I always find myself back because I’m afraid I love him I wish I didnt but I do and im at the point now where I need to think with my head instead of my heart and its telling me walk away cut him off let him be and let him discover tough love if he comes back and wants help great but if not thats what am scared off that the outcome isn’t what I hope for and im left hurt broken, they lack empathy from what I can tell you they con you to believe they not doing it they lie continuously its a horrible place to be in as a partner im here to speak to you because I’ve been on here for a while and I couldnt bring myself to write my story however I take comfort in the fact that we have eachothrr support and advice.

[lc87]

Thanks Harper.

I agree it’s heartbreaking ????

I had an awful dream yesterday night and woke up sweating and crying… I dreamt my life had fast forward 5 years and my husband was still addicted to crack but he looked different, skinny, Ill, and had lost teeth. Was crying so hard when I eventually woke I had to control myself as I actually have my 5 year old sleeping in my bed.

He called me again for money the other day… he was trying to make me feel bad and kept saying ‘nobody wants to help me’, made me mad as I’m struggling to put food on the table to feed his son and everyone, his family and mind have given him grands of money over the last year before we knew he had a drug problem!!!! How can he say nobody wants to help him…. His mum offered to get a loan out and pay for him to go rehab but he doesn’t want to go!

I just in utter disbelief how much he has changed… he was the most loving husband, never one for going out with hos friends- would rather be at home with me chilling watching films, we would do so many family day outings, ride our bikes, picnics, he was the best day I could ever ask for our son and now he’s an angry, broken man who just talks about needing money and how bad things are for him! He lies, manipulates and can be a nasty piece of work. The complete opposite of the man I married, the man he was for 9 years of our 10 year relationship!

I cry so much, sooooo many questions… when did it start, why did he do it, does he not love me, do he not care, does he not want to be a family, does he not miss us, how long is this going to go on for… etc etc etc could go on for days!

I wish I had answers….. the biggest question…. Will I ever get my wonderful husband back ☹️

[harper35]

Can relate to the manipulation they will literally take your last for it as crack is highly addictive, my partner will make me feel guilty if I also say no they will play you like a fiddle for it as they will do anything for it, my partner works and its almost like he doesnt as he never has money he would never talk about finances I originally before I found out throught he was just a scrooge but it isnt its the drug taking it swallow up every penny they have, they don’t realise how hurtful soul destroying it is for us, they will leave you feeling empty its exhausting luckily no children involved for me which is a blessing but its sad that I more than likely will never get the life I dreamt of with him he is still in active addiction but he will tell me he isnt doing it I know full well this isnt the type of drug you can just cold turkey and stop with hes still lying to protect his habit.

[lc87]

Sorry to hear that Harper!

Do u think u are going to stay and support or walk away?

Suppose that the question on most peoples mind is when is enough enough- because we love them it’s so hard to cut contact completely.

I worry he will overdose or something bad will happen!

[harper35]

Currently I remain with him I know my head tells me to leave as what am I doing staying? I see it as enabling when I learnt what it was all about but when it comes to matters of the heart and because I do really love him I stay, ive never taken anything ever so I had to learn myself what the behaviours are to drug addiction I asked him to stop he agreed and Foolishly on my part realised it doesn’t work that way and they will say they will but not, I’m at the point now that I want him to loose everything job home stability and have nothing to be at rock bottom as I believe while they still have I.e you job home it will never change or make them reevaluate there life, currently I am in the relationship but I dont think I will be for much longer if am honest with myself he tells me he loves me but he can’t seem to put that into action which they seem very good at words mean nothing actions speak more and unless he does I cant see a future nor would I want that kind of future, I believe my partner has done it for the entire 2 years of our relationship and hid it rather well up until the last 8 months.

[lc87]

They are definitely amazing liars! My husband was doing it for 8 months (well what I know of) could be longer but I guess il never know. He friend told me yesterday that apparently he has cheated on me… so another blow.

He is being so nasty to me, blames me for everything, saying I’m a bad mum and shit wife. His friend says it’s the drugs talking and not him but I don’t even know now what to think.

I’ve come to the realisation that I have to let him go… for the sake of my sanity and my son. Like the saying- “if you love someone, set them free; if they come back to you, it was meant to be.”

I have to let him go… if he sorts himself out or even wants to take that step I will be there but until then all this is doing is hurting me and my son.

[esta]

You have made the hardest decision and it will feel awful but you have totally made the best choice for you and your son; your sanity and your Future

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