[ff1234]

I have just found out that my husband of 11 years has been taking cocaine for years (he won’t specify how many but now I know, I believe changes in his behaviour started at least 4 years ago). I am absolutely devastated.

We met at the age of 19 and we are now 37. We have both always been fiercely anti-drugs. I am numb writing this, it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare and can’t wake up.

We have a young daughter and he started to change about a year after she was born – withdrawn, moody, sleeping lots, incredibly selfish, no affection towards me, refusing to talk about things when I would question what was wrong, making me question my sanity, often being rude or nasty etc. I told myself he was depressed and needed help and support. Not for one second did drugs cross my mind.

After a couple of hellish years, I started to think I was the problem – that maybe he didn’t love me but was staying because of our daughter. He never went out so I didn’t suspect an affair, but he was so distanced from me I couldn’t make sense of it. I begged him to tell me what was wrong and he would snap at me to stop bothering him, that work was stressful. I stayed because of my daughter but I started to resent him for treating me so badly.

A few months ago he told me he was having problems at work, that he was effectively being demoted and he had a bit of a breakdown about it. I told him I thought he was depressed and this was what I thought was causing his work life to suffer. I urged him to get help. He still kept me at a distance and told me to leave him alone.

I was sorting our bathroom cupboards out last week and he had two different wash bags in there, both felt incredibly light so I opened them to see if the contents could be combined to free up space and one of them had packets of cocaine inside it. I have never gone so cold in my life. I confronted him immediately and he cried, said it had been going on for years and begged me not to leave him.

I don’t feel I know him at all. I have an overwhelming feeling of anger – I have suffered years of emotional abuse convincing myself he was depressed and excusing his vile behaviour. I feel betrayed and so incredibly hurt – like our life has been a lie and I have done nothing to deserve this hell. I feel sick to my stomach and so so worried for my daughter. I know it’s going to break her heart but I feel have no choice but to leave him. I don’t want her to be from a broken home, I want to protect her and I’m so angry that he never once considered us and put her well-being first.

I have no financial independence. I gave up my career to raise my daughter and have no income at all. He earns well and I’m so scared for my future in all of this. Most of all I’m heartbroken.

[lookingforhope]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I found out 9 months ago that my husband had been abusing cocaine in secret too, so I understand the pain you are in.

I would recommend getting things out in the open, having another a person who knows what has happened helps. If you can’t talk to people in your life, Adfam have people that you can talk to to help you. And coming on here helps too, to know that you aren’t alone

[ff1234]

Thank you so much for replying. I haven’t been able to tell anybody because I want to get through Christmas as a family for my daughter’s sake. I think the hardest part is knowing he had been doing it for years and I had absolutely no idea, I am so betrayed. Drugs are so far apart from the person I married, I don’t know anything anymore. This is the worst kind of betrayal, I can’t seem to process what’s happened and that it’s been going on for so long.

[ifonly]

hi FF1234 im sorry to hear what your going through especially today xmas enjoy for you and your daughter just today, your not alone on here you will find that out and it shows a true kindness when people with there own problems reply and hear you.

i confronted my husband of 28 yrs a couple of months back told him he has problem an addict he denied it spent 3 weeks twisting everything to being me then he left. i was broken i went no contact like no message replying to him nothing had to, its hard i have really stood me ground i was so upset though as my son said he was going to him for xmas day so for all our sakes i spoke with him hes actually gone to dr and has been going daily for test very early days but the last 4 yrs have been hell. im wary of beleiving him i will be there but he knows i need to help myself too. hes coming for dinner today keep thinking my wish today is this time next i want my happy home back. please try enjoy today through your daughters eyes and he’ll keep till tomorrow ( boxing day) sorry had to do that.

[anonymous23]

I’m so sorry to anyone else going through this.

About 5 months ago my partner came home with a hole in his nose. I’d been with him for 3 years and had no idea he was taking it when he was with me. He seemed depressed at times and slept a lot. He also seemed to have problems connecting with his son and said there was times when he questioned if he loved him (I’m not sure if this is an addict thing)

When I 1st started going out with him he was thousands in debt despite being on a good wage so the signs were there looking back.

He denied he even had a hole in his nose to begin with when you could see it clearly. He then accepted it was there and said it must have been a nasal spray he’d been taking that did it. He’s still denying even now that’s what it was.

He simply up and left and didn’t try to fight for the relationship at all. When I contacted him he told me that I’d accused him of something he would never do and that the relationship hadn’t been working for a long time and he’d just continued trying to make it work and that he’d lost that feeling for me and didn’t know what love was.

We were supposed to be buying a house together and he’d started transferring large sums of money to a friend which was supposed to be his half of the deposit.

I like many of you feel the same way this Xmas completely heartbroken

[gardenfence]

Hello all

Firstly thank you all for sharing your stories, as I’m so thankful you have because it’s letting me make some understanding of what’s happened to my relationship.

My partner called a halt to our relationship the day before Christmas Eve. I knew something was up for a few weeks but as we have a distance relationship I couldn’t see him face to face to really know what was going on.

Prior to us becoming an item we’d been out together for a few years in ours 20’s However, we both eventually moved on with different people. A few years ago we reconnected (as singletons) became good friends and supported each other through our own personal ventures into coupledom, eventually realising we could be a couple together.

I was aware he took cocaine, he knew my views on drugs (which hadn’t changed from the first time round). I wasn’t though aware to the extent he took cocaine, and seeing first hand the impact on his health I said it concerned me (as did his family to me and to him) the consequences to him and those who loved him. I never judged him, never told him what to do but when he blind sided me with his decision to end the relationship he said it was because of my judgement, my looking down on him and him referencing everything I’d done to make him feel that way. At no point did he ever bring these things up to me in our relationship rather stored everything up and saw me as being the problem. He said something changed he can’t put his finger on it but he feels nothing for me.

Like most things I’m hearing on here being bewildered, shocked and made to feel the problem is the cruel effects of this drug on those people who genuinely come from a good place, in their love and care for someone they love.

I hope we all gain our own peace of mind, and know we didn’t force someone to take cocaine, they chose to take it.

Take time to heal yourselves, and be kind to you.

[boo]

Hi, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate as I only realised during the start of lockdown that my husband is a coke addict. Everything started to make sense – the moodiness, the stone walling, the anger, the dirty looks, the verbal abuse. It is heart breaking as I still love and care for him but the abuse is intolerable. Sending you strength.

[Lizzie52]

Hi I completely understand the devastation you are feeling. I knew my husband had taken coke in the past. But he promised me he wouldn’t do it again. I’d found a couple of coke packets very badly hidden and confronted him and that is when he was very remorseful and said if it meant losing me he wouldn’t do it. To cut a long story short we married in August last year (both second marriages) and a week after we had married I was tidying his pyjamas off the floor and a coke packet, credit card and a note fell out the pocket. I was absolutely devastated and went into complete shock and took off my ring. He begged me to stay. The house is mine and he is badly in debt even though he earns a good salary. I don’t exactly know how much as he won’t tell me. Recently I suspected again as he had been really nasty to me, bad tempered, depressed and sleeping a lot and coming to bed late. Anyway his kids were down that weekend about a month ago and he was staying up until 4/5 in the morning with his eldest son and I found specks of coke on the shelf in downstairs loo and confronted him later that day. He denied it but eventually admitted that he had been taking it for about 4 months. I honestly think that he never stopped from the last time. This Christmas he has been staying up late again and can’t sleep. I had bought some cocaine test strips off amazon recently and when he gets up in the night for a wee he doesn’t flush the loo so in order not to wake me. In the morning without his knowledge I have been testing the urine in the loo and it is coming up very positive. I haven’t said anything to him and am at my wits end what to do. I’m telling you all this so you can try to relate. My advice would be to look after yourself and step back from the situation and just observe him and his behaviour until you can decide what you want. Cocaine addiction is a terrible and horrible thing to have to deal with. I would also recommend that you contact Alanon. Its mainly for family and friends of alcoholics but you will be able to relate that to drug addiction as any addiction is really the same. It has helped me and you can do online zoom meetings. I also attended a couple of Cocaine anonymous online meetings some of which are open to all and not just the addicts and it helped me to understand the mindset of an addict. I really hope this helps in some way but I can completely imagine what you are going through right now. Sending you hugs and support x

[love891506]

So sorry everyone hear everyone story.

I also have a husband addicted to cocaine . I have been married for 7 years. When I first found out he claimed it wasn’t a problem.

I’m just so heart broke because he is a great person such a good heart . But now he is smoking crack . I have tried everything in my part to help . But I know if he doesn’t want the help no matter what I do it just won’t work. He has lost jobs he has pounded and sold jewelry cell phone and anything he knows of value . We have a beautiful 10 months old that adores him. But it has just gotten out of control seeing him with that pipe in his hand . Walking in on him just tore me apart. At this point I don’t know what to do because we have so much together car notes loans credit cards that I know will all fall on me if I kick

Him out . I just don’t know what to do . All I do is pray .

[Lizzie52]

I have continued to test him unbeknown to him and every time it is coming up positive. Does anyone think I should confront him or should I just wait – I’ve no idea what to do. Any help would be much appreciated x

[gardenfence]

I can’t say whether you should or shouldn’t confront your partner on the positive test strips. What I know has helped me is speaking to a counsellor about what I’ve gone and am going through. They allowed me to talk openly and helped reflect back to me that the other person’s behaviour is not of my doing. I also needed to take care of me and heal myself.

Maybe talk to someone independent of your situation who will give your better guidance, than well intentioned friends and family could. My main advice is do all you can to protect yourself from any more mental harm and anguish that the other person is inflicting on you. It’s hard wrestling between head and heart, just know you are worth more than being treated in such a cruel way.

[ivy]

Hello debbieg2020

You should take your own advice. Step back and decide what you want to do.

If you confront him now, he will have a lot of ammunition to use against you and you might end up feeling even worse. I think you already knew he was using and lying. Now you have proof you can set your own mind at peace and make rational decisions. Good luck

Love Ivy x

[em2143]

I am not sure when you originally wrote your post post but I would love to speak with you and find out how you are now?

I found out my husband has been a cocaine addict for the last 3 years. And have also found out he has a lot of debt.

I have 3 children. He currently isn’t living with me and looking back I feel like I have had years of emotional abuse. But he then tells me he loves me he says that me and the children are his world. I know deep down he has a good heart but I just feel he is now fighting so many demons I really will never know if I could get the trust back.

I don’t know how I am

Supposed to stop loving this man because he has been a good husband but I also cannot forget what he has put me through.

I really want to hear how others have managed to move forward I feel I need support from other women like me more than anything x

[em2143]

I am not sure when you originally wrote your post post but I would love to speak with you and find out how you are now?

I found out my husband has been a cocaine addict for the last 3 years. And have also found out he has a lot of debt.

I have 3 children. He currently isn’t living with me and looking back I feel like I have had years of emotional abuse. But he then tells me he loves me he says that me and the children are his world. I know deep down he has a good heart but I just feel he is now fighting so many demons I really will never know if I could get the trust back.

I don’t know how I am

Supposed to stop loving this man because he has been a good husband but I also cannot forget what he has put me through.

I really want to hear how others have managed to move forward I feel I need support from other women like me more than anything x

[bythesea21]

Hi em2143, how have things been since you wrote this? I also just found out this year that my husband had a secret cocaine/alcohol addiction using during work hours. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming. Since telling me he relapsed back into it all again only I found it and then he admitted everything saying he didn’t feel ready first time etc. It had been 7 weeks this week where he was doing better, doing things for me etc and then Tuesday night I questioned him when he came in and after having to push him to the limit he said he drank alcopops on the way home because he was so stressed. I felt so betrayed and let down that he just couldn’t help himself. I told him to leave and he has been at his parents house since but I just don’t know where to go from here. It has only been 4 months from I found out but my mental health has spiralled out of control since trying to work out my emotions on this betrayal and constant lies.

[Trace35]

Omg I can’t believe there is so many of us going through this. My hearts broken so badly im lost. For about 8 months I kept saying to my fiance somethings wrong I feel it and it’s driving me mad you ent the same and I feel so alone I got all the abuse it’s in your head you need help your paranoid and insecure. He denied anything I even said it feels like your having affair or something there is something going on. Later home from work rather go shop without me sat up later at night when he’s up for 5 at work he snappy and moody and less affectionate unless he wanted sex I felt used and so low I still do. I caught him out because his dealer found my brothers on FB and told them everything he owed nearly 3 grand etc he’d been dealing and taking it. I just lost my mum 2 weeks prior to this I was and still a mess as it was only June. And having to deal with all that and now him was killing me. We just moved different cities n im alone all the time with our kids I need his support. His body here but he isn’t I don’t know who he is anymore I don’t like him but love him so much. He said he would stop end of June. Since I have found coke spoon and tubes money also he started smoking vapes to doesn’t smoke anything and I found them he said he’s stressed and likes the flavor he has one every week but tells me he has no money left he’s lyin about money I asked him to do a drug test he said I shouldn’t have to prove myself to u I said I should have to feel this way and u won’t leave so stop being an emotional bully how can I trust you if ur actions don’t match your words. Last night he was in garden with dog he vapes out there because I hate it I don’t want to see that. And I seen him sniff his finger and wipe his nose as he slightly turned towards window to look he didn’t see me walking past as was dark. Ihavent said anything yet he’s asleep. I feel sick im sick to death of feeling or made to feel it’s in my head I feel so alone and broken I can’t even grieve properly.

[Green30]

It’s nice not to feel so alone in this. Just found out my husband has started smoking weed again. I know that may not seem bad to some but he ended up in rehab after starting on crack and heroin too and hadn’t taken drugs for almost 20 years. Now I find the old friend he got weed from has messaged asking if he wanted to make extra money! He made his excuses and declined. But I don’t want him being dragged back into the circles he moved in. He’s always known drugs were a hard no for me. I’ve calmly explained how it’s made me feel and that it’s making me not trust him. I don’t really want to say it’s me or the weed but really it is. Am I selfish for that. I don’t know. We all need to look after ourselves though

[thistim3]

It was almost 40 years ago – FORTY. When I began to realize that something was very wrong bank then.  It was almost 5 years later before I confronted him with a bank statement and he told me ‘cocaine’.  He quit, and we moved on.  The good – we still love each other and are still together.  The bad – you already know.  The ugly – we have both been traumatized by what happened all those years ago and after years of pushing it down and happily living our lives, it feels like it has come back up from Hell and violently slapped us both around again. I remember now how scared, alone, and helpless I felt. I tried to protect myself and our children from something that I didn’t even know what it was. Shocking and disturbing still.  My advice is to remember who you are and what you want – in both for right now AND in the future as one day you will look back on this most horrific time.  I am proud of myself for how I handled it all – and, also of him. My husband (an addict) who was dragged into Hell and clawed his way out and quit using that vile substance all those years ago.  Do what you have to to keep yourself safe. Prayers.

[jinn54]

Hi guys

iv just read all your story’s and they all sound same like mine.
Let me give you all a quick intro of myself.

me & my husband have three children in total. My 1st two are from my previous partner and the third is with my husband.

we been together nearly 10 years now and i found 4 years ago that he is a heavy cocaine user and drinks Alcohol more or less daily. Smokes cannabis day & night every day no matter what.

now the problem here is that he won’t admit he has an addiction because that he takes one day a week off cocaine and drinking so apparently in his head that doesn’t make him an addict.

the emotional abuse and stress trauma i deal with only i know or my God knows.

i suffer from severe depression due to his addiction.

he tells me alot of porkies about other women he is seeing and then later tells me he only said that to me so I respect him and value him .

he makes me sick . His hygiene is poor , his judgment is bad and his health isn’t good either.

 

now we can sit and cry all day till the cows come home but still the situation aint going to change because it’s a cycle and we will keep suffering with the addicts and so will our children.

i have decided to go no contact and I’ve left him to it .

i refuse to put up with his abuse .
im doing whatever it takes to move on and i wish you all the best to get the strength to fo the same because you can’t fix them but you can fix yourself.

 

 

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