[amanda19]

Hello

I’ve joined this group because I really don’t know where else to turn. I can’t talk to family or friends because they have no idea about my husband’s drinking and I don’t want to go behind his back and talk to them.

My husband is an alcoholic, although he won’t admit that! For about 4 years now we’ve been stuck in a vicious circle of him drinking in secret and lying to me about drinking, me finding out, him promising me he’ll stop and not do it again, me believing him and thinking it will be ok, to him drinking in secret and lying to me and round we go again…!

I’ve tried everything….shouting at him, not talking to him, crying at him, pleading with him…but he just refuses to get help or talk about it to me or anyone! When I try to talk to him his defensive barriers go up and he just refuses to even look at me!

The last time I discovered he was drinking again was about two weeks ago. I have his bank card, for now, so he can’t get alcohol but that hasn’t worked before and I know it won’t work this time either! He just absolutely refuses to go the doctor and get help, or go to counselling, or talk to me, or do anything. Each time it happens I trust him less and less and I start questioning everything he does and looking out for signs he’s been drinking…and we can’t carry on like that. I know he’s not happy and he hates himself for what he’s doing. I tell him over and over that he’s not on his own, I love him and I’ll support him and be by his side but he thinks he can stop drinking on his own….and he can’t!

Apologies for the long story, it’s just a relief to get it all out!

Any suggestions or advice on what I can do to help him open up and get the professional help he needs really would be welcome.

Thanks for listening… 🙂

[bigdrunner]

Hi Amanda – I signed up this morning for exactly the same reason. I’ve had enough and just don’t know what to do. I raised her drinking with my wife for years and got exactly the same defensive response. I really thought I’d broken through in May when she realised and admitted she drank too much but she seems unwilling or unable to do anything about it, and a week after absolutely pouring my heart out to her she was the same staggering, slurring, drunken mess, and every night since then. I had a really helpful realisation recently that helped me come to terms a little it better. I obviously realise I can’t make her change, she has to want it. It made me feel better by putting my thoughts to her in writing, as I can read them back and see time after time how hard I’ve tried. My realisation was that I’m allowed still to love her but also able to conclude that I should not be expected to live with her drinking. I don’t have to pretend I no longer love her but am getting close to the stage where I’ll have little choice but to move out.

I hope this forum helps, I’m certainly hoping it helps me. No one should be expected to live with the consequences of addiction in this way.

[vix]

I managed to marry two alcoholics and I do know unless they accept they have a problem and want to change there is nothing you can do.

I think you are right to recognise that you love them but you do not like them and you do not deserve that life. I think you have to look after yourself and do what is right for your own mental health.

If they want your support to get treatment / help of course you do what you can.

My first husband died an alcoholic the second got treatment and stopped drinking but it took him 3 or 4 tries. We divorced.

[Author]

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