[amybrand12]

So my husband has a cocaine addiction. We met 5 years ago through smoking weed and as we got to know each other he introduced me to cocaine and speed. We were on it constantly, then he got offered some spice. He smoked it in a bong and had a seizure, then on I stopped all of the drugs and haven’t touch any drugs in 3 years. I now have a 5 month old baby girl and I thought everything was perfect. A month after having our little girl I got a call from our estate agents saying the rent had not been paid (Which confuses me because my husband told me he had paid the rent) . I confronted him about it and this is when all of the lies started. He denied it and we had a massive argument and he threw me out, leaving my little girl behind whilst I stayed at my mums. (It was heart wrenching having to leave her). 3 days later I found out that he had spent all of our rent money on cocaine, i then confronted him and it turned out that he had also spent all of his wages on it even though he had told me that he didn’t get his wages for that month. A month after he told me he wanted to stop doing it and needed my help so I tried to help him but nothing seemed to help. The day before Valentine’s Day this year he had spent quite a substantial amount on it again and when I asked him if had any more since the day before Valentine’s he said no.

The next morning he told me that he had logged onto my bank, gone onto our kids savings account for their birthdays and taken 40 pounds out. I was so angry. We talked and kissed and made up and I thought I could trust him again.

A few months down the line he had been paid and he wired all of his money into my bank so that he couldn’t buy coke but then asked if he could have 40 pounds back to get some and like the idiot I am I said yes just 40. Later that night he came home begging for more money to get more and I was saying no. So he went a took our our baby girls milk money and snatched my card off me and drew more money out. I was devastated.

Today he asked for 20 pounds from his wages to buy a bit and I said yes and he swore on his fathers grave and his little boys life that he wouldn’t ask for anymore. He came back a few hours after begging for more money, I kept saying no and he started raising his voice at me in front of our Until I eventually gave in just to stop the kids from seeing him like that and he’s been out ever since. Blaming it all on me saying that I haven’t helped him. I need to protect my little girl from all these drugs and from the person that he’s becoming but he’s already said that if I leave I can’t take my daughter with me and any parent knows that being told they can’t take their child with them is heart wrenching. I love him but I can’t take much more of this, I really need some advice on what to do. It makes me so upset and heartbroken. I’m stuck in a situation and don’t know how to make everything okay for everyone including myself. He’s pushing me to breaking point and it’s really affecting my mental health. I can’t bare the thought of not being with my daughter. Please help.

[danman83]

Hiya Amy, hope your are OK. I’m over 100 days from coke now. After using for 11 to 12 years. I just finally had enough of it. My addiction was like once a week, or every 2 week or a month but it got quite bad the last year.

God knows why he would want to try spice after what it does to you.

Anyways. I couldn’t do stuff like use the baby’s milk money ect.. That’s just to low for me. Sorry to be blunt. I always used what I could afford. But everyone is different. If he has one, no matter what we both know he’s gonna want more soon after that’s what this shite does to us. It’s so addictive. I finally joined cocaine anonymous 3 month ago and I’ve been clean ever since. I got a sponsor and I’m working the 12 steps and I go to meetings online.

Your partner needs to want to stop for him self and be determined to quit otherwise it won’t work. Does he want to quit?

I’d have a quiet word with him no screaming and that which I don’t blame u if u do. And ask what does he want??

If he wants to quit he needs delete all dealers numbers, and try and change his daily life around and get to some ca meetings. He can’t have alcohol either as this is a trigger to get coke.

Then if he doesn’t try, you really need to think of your 5 month old daughter. What if u needed milk, food last min and he had spent it. When it comes to situations like this and he is not prepared to quit, I think you need get rid ASAP. Kids come 1st. Sorry to be blunt but I’m being honest. If he’s robbing milk money now, what is he gonna be robbing in the future if he’s not prepared to stop.

Plus do you think he could be on crack or summat else? I don’t mean that in a bad way but that stuff makes u do things like that. But I could be wrong. Id stop giving him any money. And if u have any ties with banks together or cards. Hide them all now. Feel free to ask me anything

[amybrand12]

Well done for getting clean you must be so proud of yourself!!???? he keeps saying he wants to quit then goes and does stuff like that, we did need baby milk when he spent the milk money, I had to ask my mum to borrow some money to get her milk???? I’ve tried deleting all of his dealers contacts but when I do he just goes to his mates house and uses there phones to call them. He keeps saying I’m trying to control him but he can’t see that I’m just trying to help x

[danman83]

To be honest your flogging a dead horse. Deleting the numbers your self won’t help. He will find otherways. I know u mean well but all this needs to be done from him.

Your not controlling him at all, you just want the best for him. But he needs to want this him self. He needs to cut everyone off to do with coke. Even delete all social media accounts as u can message dealers on there.

Maybe tell him if he is serious of quitting u want proof he is trying. I use give my gf my phone on the usual days I used and my car keys, not buy any alcohol. And a few other things.

[68862]

Hi Amy there’s no court in the land that will stop you taking your children if your partner is taking drugs and using all your money to buy them. I know this from experience as I’m sad to say my son did this to my ex daughter in law and newborn son. He was a heavy gambler and did coke, not that we knew about the coke until 3 years ago. He ran up so many debts and used the majority of her inheritance from her nan. She even asked me for money to pay their mortgage as he had blown his wages and the money in the joint account. Even on holiday abroad I was asked to help them out as he’d blown their money. Anyway she finally had enough, she’d lost so much weight, her hair was falling out and in the end she asked him to leave, she was a bag of nerves. He came to live with us and she filed for divorce. That my friend was the best action she could have taken. He was never violent towards her or cheated on her but the emotional abuse she was receiving on a come down from coke, the worry of not being able to feed the baby and pay the bills was too much. They were divorced last year, sold the house and his share has sadly gone up his nose. He has nothing and never will. He lives in a nice little flat, holds down a good job and sees his son at weekends. He owes us thousands and has brought us to our knees mentally. I hadn’t seen him since last Tuesday as he was at his girlfriends for the weekend. He came in with his little boy for dinner and sadly he admitted he’d used last Thursday. ???? So from the previous Thursday when I received crying and begging phone calls and texts saying he wasn’t going to do it again and needed to stop and can we give him the money to pay off the dealers again he has succumbed to the devil. Of course I patted him on the back and said well done!!! Like hell I did so I’m just waiting for the pleading and begging for money. Unfortunately for him I am sticking to my guns this time and he will not get a penny. This is how sad he is, he said he can’t wait for the bookies to open so he can win some money to sort himself out. This has been the cycle he has lived in for years. He is self excluded from some online sites and actual bookies but he’ll find a way to gamble.

Sorry for rambling but what I’m trying to say is please,please do what my ex daughter-in- law did and get out of there. Unless like Danman you know he’s seeking help and trying and you can see him trying then you will have an awful life. My son has done GA, drugs project and been clean for 3 months but sadly gave in again. My head tells me to have nothing do with him but it’s hard, really hard so I know how you must be feeling but something will snap and that will be it. Good luck ❤

[danman83]

Hiya, sorry to hear about your son. It’s crazy what this stuff does to people. And they say tough love is the only way in the end. Is he gonna try and sort himself out or is he gonna give up again?

Must be heartbreaking watch this happen to your son. I’ve put my own mum through a pot of stress

[68862]

Hi Dan I don’t know. He’s txt to say he’s sorry he’s snappy and short but he’s under a lot of pressure and needs to keep his distance to sort himself out so who knows but I’m going to have to step back and not ask or question anything. As a parent it’s just heartbreaking. I follow a few people in recovery on tik toc and you and I hope and pray he will one day make the right decision ????

[lindyloo]

Hi 68862

I’m sort of at the same stage as you at the moment. My son relapsed about 3/4 wks ago. We’ve hardly seen him although I make a point of texting daily.

I feel its down to him now, he knows the strategies to stop, he has support from the Fellowship guys. He knows where we are.

I keep hoping and praying too.

Lx

[danman83]

Hiya Linda, how are you doing? Hope your doing well, how’s your son? Has he gone back to getting better or as he not bothered. Hope your OK.

[lindyloo]

Hi Dan, thanks for asking.

Not seen much of him tbh. I’ve phoned a couple of times and I text him every day to let him know I’m thinking of him. He said he’s fine and not to worry.

He told me last week that he needs to drink to cope, he said he’s not using but we know that it can escalate. He said he can handle it. He’s managing to stay working, so that’s good.

He said he was going to a meeting last night but dunno if he did. I don’t ask too many questions these days.

I just want to congratulate you for being over 100 days clean. That’s fantastic ????. All us mums are so proud of you as I’m sure your family will be, and rightly so!

Keep up the good work, and thank you for being so supportive to us all here, its much appreciated.

Night night

Lx

[68862]

Hi Lindyloo thanks for your comments. Totally agree, this is his problem and at 33 he needs to sort it. Just wish I hadn’t been so weak in handling over the money. ????. Praying for us all x

[danman83]

Your right what u are doing no matter how much it hurts. In recovery we have to think of ourselves 1st then everything else falls into place. I hope he gets well soon ????

[68862]

Thanks Dan, you keep up your good work and don’t look back ????x

[68862]

I should have added too that he ran up so much debt that I took it over to help them cope, I was stupid as it was over £40,000. He made his wife take out a credit card, she’d never had one before and he maxed it out leaving her saddled with the debt. He had a debt management plan too of £40,000 but he managed to get really expensive loans, high interest credit cards and pay day loans on top of that which is what I took over by putting it on credit cards and loans so now I’m on a debt management plan. He had lots of money off his nan before she died causing friction between family members. He’s had nearly £2500 off of us since February so that is why there is no more. I think he has cooked his goose now as he knows no more will be coming his way. All in all he has gambled or snorted a 6 figure sum and nearly bankrupted us too.

[danman83]

H

[danman83]

Thanks sooo much for that. I really appreciate it. I really do hope he goes Down the right path. No mum should worry about there kids in these situations. I’ve got to do my step 8 I think it is next week. Which is make amends to people I’ve harmed and my mum is one of them.

Thanks again x

[lindyloo]

Yes , i remember that step, my son apologised to me, my husband and his sister for all the S**t he’s put us through.

Dan, my son phoned around 3am this morning. He was frantic saying, he was ‘rattling ‘ I guess he had shakes or something. Told us he needed to have some alcohol ASAP. If not he said he would need to call an ambulance. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to enable him, but he said the Big Book says when that happens, you need to take some alcohol to calm it until he slept.

I didn’t know whether to believe him or not, but my husband ended up dropping off a bottle with some gin in it.

He phoned later in the morning to say thanks for doing that, but we told him we wouldn’t be doing it again.

Did we do the right thing? My anxiety was through the roof thinking about it.

So it looks like he’s drinking often but managing to work, i guess what you’d call a functioning alcoholic. So sad to hear him like this, I said at the time, maybe medical intervention might be what you need atm.

I told him he needed to seek support or his future could be very bleak.

I’m sorry if I’m unloading but only a person in recovery could answer this , can’t discuss it with anyone else really.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Lx

[danman83]

Don’t be daft, I’m always here if u need to talk to someone.

When some one is bad on alcohol and they get like that they do say u need to let them drink. Because if you don’t they can have seizures or something else I’m not to sure. It’s sounds crazy but not having a drink can be lethal when they get passed a stage. My aunty was an alcoholic and she died this year from it in Portugal. She came to my grans funeral, and she collapsed. My cousin wouldn’t let her mum have a drink, and my other aunty who was a sister at

the hosp said.. That’s the worse thing u could do. You should of let her have a drink. I think now if he’s like this he needs medical recovery as well. Not to sure how that works. It’s esculated pretty quick this hasn’t it, because he was clean a while not so long ago.

But he really needs to get help now with this, and go see a doctor, because it will just get worse and worse.

Hope your ok

[lindyloo]

Thanks Dan, I just needed reassuring that we did the right thing.

Yeah, I think he’s going for it big time to be feeling like that. He’s in his own place so I don’t see him.

I’ve told him to speak to the fellowship guys about it . We don’t know enough about it to help.

I agree though, I think he needs medical attention, he won’t want his work to know anything, they think he has anxiety issues but not his addictions.

Difficult one, I’ll phone him later maybe his head will be clearer, I did suggest tapering it down.

Thanks again Dan

You’re a good ‘un!

Lx

[lindyloo]

Thanks Dan, I just needed reassuring that we did the right thing.

Yeah, I think he’s going for it big time to be feeling like that. He’s in his own place so I don’t see him.

I’ve told him to speak to the fellowship guys about it . We don’t know enough about it to help.

I agree though, I think he needs medical attention, he won’t want his work to know anything, they think he has anxiety issues but not his addictions.

Difficult one, I’ll phone him later maybe his head will be clearer, I did suggest tapering it down.

Thanks again Dan

You’re a good ‘un!

Lx

[danman83]

It’s OK, but he needs address this straight away. Because alcohol addiction when it gets bad, it really is serious to your health.

Hope he sorts it????

[lindyloo]

Thanks again Dan

Lx

[thistim3]

Hi Amy. I agree with Danman, to get your accounts separate. When my husband quit years ago, I worked on changing this and all these years later this hasn’t changed. Our bank/credit accounts are still separate. I joined group support and learned that there are many more decisions than to stay or go, the bank accounts were one of those decisions.

[Author]

Posts