[plainjane]

I found out last year that my husband has been lying to me and has been doing cocaine recreationally for about 3 years.

We have two young children together and I had absolutley no idea or incling. Truth be told I would have never knowingly settled down and had children with someone who was into this.

When I found out I was in shock and I ended up acting really stupid. I didn’t initially put my foot down basically, I have always hated conflicts and was more concerned with him lying to me at that point. I think I only thought it was something he did twice a year or so when me and the kids were away as that was the impression he gave. Looking back I was so naive. After I found out about this from one of his friends he has been honest up until recently I think and basically it turned out to be a monthly thing. It completly stopped during lockdown and that gave me some time to reflect. I know I don’t want this around me or the children.

As soon as lockdown eased he was invited to a party and he told me he wanted to do some. I told him that I will not accept him coming back home high and have his come down over the next few days around me and the kids. He said he was very dissapointed in me as he wanted to let his hair down, which I thought was an odd thing to say. I am almost certain he didnt do any at that party and that was a relief. This was a bit over a month ago.

However me and the children are now on holiday visiting my family. I know for sure he will do it whilst we are away, and even though I don’t like it one bit, I’d rather he does that when we are away so I let it slide.

However I am worried he is actually becoming an addict, or is an addict already. A few days before me and the children left to visit my family he went out for a haircut and came back in a very weird mood. He was very upbeat and wouldn’t stop chatting. He kept sniffing, but he does have hayfever, this makes it very tricky for me to tell. The next he was in a faul mood, very nasty, irritable and looking for an argument, he was similar the day after that as well.

I don’t want to believe that he was coked up but I don’t want to be fooled again. What do you guys think? Does he sound like an addict?

I don’t know what to think, or do, I am so confused. And I feel so alone and embaressed. No one knows, his family, my family and my friends would never think it of him. And I don’t think I am in a place where I can be honest sbout it just yet. In fact I am just trying to be honest with myself…I’m glad I found this forum.

[kel1]

First off, addiction doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone from any walk of life!

Is he an addict? Well, cocaine is highly addictive, so by what you e described I would say so yes ????.

It sure doesn’t sound like he wants to stop either, as he wants to “let his hair down”. That’s the drug talking. That drug will ruin your life anyway, so the choice sooner or later will be out of your hands as to what to do!

Loss is one of the significant issues with this devil drugs. It destroys people and families.

He would want to want help and until that happens id turn your attention back on you and the kids. That drug will drag you all down onto the hell it causes.

Keep talking and set some boundaries, what you will and won’t accept and stick with it.

Best of luck

[plainjane]

Thank you! I find it very hard knowing what to do next and how to be the best mum I can be for my children whilst dealing with this crap! I know for sure I do not want it in the house, or want him high in the house or to be on a come down whilst we are around.

But when you suspect someone is high and are crossing your boundaries but you are not sure, how do you go about confronting them? I am feeling so confused on what to do to.

[kel1]

Well in the end I drug tested him and needless to say he was positive. You’d know by his behaviour! Might do you good to do some research online as there’s some good tips on how to recognize when they are on it.

You can read my story if you click on my name. I do understand, as unfortunately this ended my relationship with my ex of 22 years. I also couldn’t have it around our girls. Sorry you’re going through this it’s just awful and it is confusing to say the least. In the end I had a break down over it so please look after yourself.

Surround yourself with friends and family and keep talking on here.

[hw12]

Hi plainjane.

I was also new to this forum a few months ago and it has been huge support to me speaking to other people who understand as i was in the same situation as you and couldn’t speak to any friends or family. I was at a point where i didn’t know where to turn.

I have children myself and knew very little about drugs before things unfolded. I knew my partner had taken cocaine socially, but i thought it was all in the past and he promised me he was clean. I told him then how i felt about it. Anyway fast forward a few months and its ruined everything. He was actually an addict and has been for 16 years, i had no idea for which i feel absolutely stupid for. I ignore my instincts. He too would complain about hayfever, even got medication from dr for it. The drug turns them into very clever liars. Hes now very honest and open with me but has lost everything, i made him move out.

I really hope you put yourself and your children first in such a difficult situation for you all, because im afraid when they are using it doesnt seem to get better only worse.

Take care

[kklost]

Plain Jane – I/my situation was similar but I said you choose, drugs or us.

We had social services involved – thank god they signed us off this week. They wouldn’t have if I hadn’t have said no drugs.

Would you have to explain to them that you allowed it, imagine that conversation.

I think you know you don’t agree and you don’t want him too, but lack the conviction or strength to say it and make it stick. I get it.

But if you don’t this will carry on and it will get worse.

It’s either a druggie or not. I’m in camp not, I can’t stand it. I don’t want any part of that in my life at all. I have three young sons (two are ASD) and I made my husband choose. Cake and eat it… isn’t real life… so hard to be in this situation but he can’t dip in and out of drugs. It won’t ever work.

[plainjane]

It is really hard knowing how to ho about things, I want to put my foot down, but I am a stay at home mum with no family support near by. I am a bit at a loss on how to go about it. I feel like I need to go back to work so I can become financually independent again, but I am worried about what to do if things escalates before I hsve managed to become financially independent again. I want what is best for my children and right now I feel like I am surrended by fog and I can’t see what the best action would be.

[kklost]

Can you get back to work in these current times?

I completely under you financial worries.

If you are a stay at home mum, I take it all the bills are in his name?

Everything is in my husbands name, apart from the joint mortgage. I was told if this is the case then he would have to pay it all. If he didn’t, it effects him and not me/you.

Are you pretty sure he will choose the drugs? Not give it up for you?

Only way I am sure is the drug tests. He does one every two days. Helps so much. Gives me peace of mind.

[plainjane]

I don’t know what he would chose to be honest, I feel like it is so damaging to our relationship that I have to act like a cop/headmistress, it makes me so angry with him. I do know that I can not come with empty treaths that I need to do my homework. And I also need to work on myself to be strong enough to follow through if I need to give him an ultimatum.

[kklost]

Couldn’t agree more. Empty threats won’t get you anywhere.

You need your own limits and you need to know what they are fast. That’s so hard!

It’s so damaging and ruins lives. It takes them piece by piece. It’s just so different and I understand your hesitation.

You sound like you know what you need and where you need to be. It’s a matter of getting there. You can! You will!

You birthed babies! Women are gods…. you can do this, do this for you and your self worth.

Keep talking. It will help. It will help remind you how far you have come.

I’m 9 weeks on and was a total mess at the start. Click on my name and read when you can, you will see I had no answers. I was blinded and had it slapped into my face hard! I gave an ultimatum and my husband knew/knows I will never back down and I am a stubborn B….h

[plainjane]

Thank you for the encouraging words! I will deffinatly read through your story, it is helful to know I am not the only one going through this!

[plainjane]

By the way I would be interested to hear about any stay at home parent who decided to split over drug or alcohol use. How did you go about it. I used to love the fact that my hubby earned a comfertable living so that I could stay at home with our children, but right now I feel it is a curse.

[kklost]

It might be worth contacting citizens advice and see what they say?

[kklost]

Hi plain Jane, how are you? Have you made any progress?

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