[meg58]

Apologies for the long outpouring but this has been inside a long time.

My husband suffers from anxiety, depression and he has self medicated with alcohol a for years, probably since before we met if I am honest. Living with Jekyll and Hyde, lovable but constant lies, my best friend one minute then spitting at me the next, blaming me for all the wrongs in his life but then saying he cant live without me remembering nothing of what is said and done in drink and sometimes stating things that never actually happened as fact, so sincere that i have been almost convinced they did.

We had been together for 14 years, married 10 (no children fortunately / unfortunately depending on who i speak to – personally I would have loved to have been a mum, with him a sober dad) and then I told him I could no longer be with him – this was 18 months ago, we are both now in our early 40’s.

I left my best friend and my soul mate, the love of my life, we had named the children that it turned out we would never have, and there is not one day that i don’t both regret and celebrate that decision.

I hated what drink did to him, to us. Walking on egg shells, not knowing the person i would come home to, wake up with or some days not know who I was talking with minute from minute.

2 things pushed me towards my decision to leave

I was going through fertility treatment which caused some awful side effects – he was advised not to drink during the time. He suggested we might try IVF rather than him going sober and trying naturally. I stopped the treatment, if he couldn’t be responsible for conception, how would he be responsible for a baby / a child?

Secondly – my dad passed away – dad and my husband were great friends and he even spoke at the funeral. But because of what he did and said while drunk the night before I can never forgive him completely. He got so drunk he couldn’t speak or walk, cracked his head on the floor falling out of bed and decided that the reason it happened was because I must have pushed him – despite me being in another room preparing a photo board for the funeral. He ranted raved and told me i was worthless, should fk off and my dad was a much better person then me… maybe he was right, but i had lost my dad, i have never before needed support as much as i did at that time. My mum was admitted to hospital with fatigue and ill health the day after my dad died and she was just about able to make the funeral. (which was 21st December)

My husband does not accept that drink was the reason we split – he accepts ‘a mutual parting of ways, a new frontier of the soul mate continuum’ – even though i have described both of the above as the final straws.

We now live separately, however I still talk to him every day, and see him at least once a week. We still get on well when he is sober (ish), and when he is in drink (until I leave to go home) and I really would do anything for him but I can not live with him and the drink anymore.

There is one family member of his who still talks to me – his mum – his dad and brother blame me for our problems and my nieces have been told that i no longer exist, they are 5 and 8. His mum and me keep an eye on him, try and make sure he keeps on top of bills, household tasks, looking after himself and we keep in touch with each other when his mental health takes a dip, he goes missing or phones one of us up suicidal – She only realised the extent of the problem of drink with her son when we separated and I wasn’t managing him anymore, so now we do try to support each other a bit. However it is a delicate relationship as he needs to be able to offload about his ‘smother’ to me and to her about his ‘nosy ex wife’

He does not want help from professionals – counsellers are all crap, the GP prescribed him anti depressants which he took for 2 days but as he was told he couldn’t drink on them, decided after two days they weren’t working and went back to drinking (2 days is all he has ever managed (at a time) alcohol free in at least the last 8 years) drug and alcohol services are a no go for him as I am a specialist drug and alcohol social worker and no matter how much i have impressed confidentiality on him, he doesn’t believe me.

I have to ignore it when he is drunk, he always tries to pretend he is sober and if I don’t go along with the story the aggression flares. I think he actually gets to the point where he believes his own lies. Filling in the swiss cheese of his memory with fantasy and bearable truths.

He recently lost his job (6 months after separating)as he tested over the limit for alcohol at 8am at work when he was on shift. I suspect that it was a targeted test as he has been going into work smelling of booze from the night before for years. When we lived together, although it would cause arguments, at least i could stop him drinking by pretending i had drunk the last of the booze and he would just have to go to bed.

He has lost loads of weight, his mental health is terrible and now he is depriving himself of sleep (this is the newest one, that i really don’t know how to handle).

He has a new girlfriend (long distance) and when he is with her i breath a sigh of relief as someone else is there to take care of him and I am less worried for a while. She seems to think his drinking is just social and he is the funny life and soul of the party that he always was. But when he is alone again he cant deal with his demons.

I have a new boyfriend who is lovely. He knows about and supports my decision to continue the friendship with and support my husband.

I am so scared my husband will kill himself either by taking his own life while under the influence, driving drunk, (terrified he will kill someone else too) or by malnutrition – i feel like i have tried everything, (personally, professionally, emotionally, practically) I feel guilty for having left, i don’t know what to do for the love of my life – i want to fight those demons for him but know I cant. Even though leaving was one of the toughest decisions I have made, i suspect my journey with drink is not over, it has just changed.

[courage]

Hello Meg58, I really feel your pain. Like Benzanna it is difficult for me to give advice since every person and every situation is unique. Perhaps I can share my story and see if that helps.

I am in my second marriage…to an alcoholic. I felt ashamed at first to admit that I had “done it again”, however, with the loving support of friends and family I have let that go, mostly.

My first husband is the father of my two children. His drinking and behaviour got worse so eventually I went to Al-Anon meetings and that was very helpful for me finally acknowledging that he was an alcoholic, I was scared, like you not knowing what each day would bring. Also, it gave me the strength to tell the children this and to say that his moods were not their fault. One thing I learnt there that has stayed with me is that they have to want help and often they need to reach rock bottom before they do. So the most important things were for me to take care of myself and detach. He needed to feel the consequences of his actions. After 28 years of being together, married for 22, I decided to leave. His drinking had got worse to the point that he had failure of 6 major organs, ended up in hospital and nearly died. It was really hard to tell my children, 15 and 12 at the time, that their father could die. I remember lying in bed and planning his funeral. I must admit that I did think life would be easier if he died. Years later my daughter (the youngest) told me that she had also wanted him to die. He pulled through and made a slow recovery. Until that point I had only spoken to his mother about his problem; she was in denial and I stopped talking to her about it. I didn’t talk about it because it felt disloyal. So, when he was hospitalised the truth came out and there were people there to support him. This enabled me to think about leaving. Initially I wanted to take the children with me but I travel a lot with work so would need to have a nanny. He wanted to rebuild his relationship with them and I felt that was his right, and they loved him. I knew that I had the strength to maintain a strong bond with them. So I left and got an apartment nearby so that they could spend weekends and holidays with me. That was a very hard time, particularly because my daughter was ashamed of and angry with me. Fast forward 12 years and my relationship with both kids is beautiful. They have a relationship with their father, my daughter more than my son.

And then, 6.5 years ago I moved in with the love of my life. We had known each other for 4 years then, had met at work. I have grown so much in the time we have been together, he thinks and sees the world differently to me. He is intelligent, funny, creative and has introduced me to things I would never have done. I loved being able to have long conversations with him about a wide range of topics and he introduced me to authors I should read. He always drank heavily, but when he was working he could only do that in the evenings, so at first I didn’t think much about it. Over the years there have been so many occasions where I have had to help him home, tend to cuts, mop up blood etc. His drinking got worse approx 4 years ago when he completed his last project (he’s self-employed) and was at home all day. I did not realise until recently just how controlling and manipulative he is. My son came to stay with us last summer, originally to get back on his feet. They have always got on well. However, he has turned on my son. I don’t know what triggered it, but it has been going on since approx Aug/Sept. He is delusional and paranoid, says my son is trying to kill him, get him out, destroying our marriage. Says my son destroyed my first marriage. He accuses him of all manner of things. His behaviour towards me has got very abusive (emotional and psychological) and I gave him a choice, like you did. He choose the bottle, so I started divorce proceedings in January. At first I worried about what will happen to him. This time his friends are both concerned and angry with him; no-one wants to take him in. He fabricates stories (I like your swiss cheese memory), forgets things that have happened etc. His state of mind means he will find it hard to work and support himself. However, the mental stress that both my son and I are suffering means that there is no going back. He has life easy, I take care of everything – the bills, groceries, cleaning etc. so all he has to do is buy his alcohol and basically drink, sleep and watch YouTube. Until I stop caring for him, he will never feel the consequences of his drinking/behaviour. Like your husband he doesn’t believe in therapy or rehab and I feel I have tried everything. Now it’s time to let go, detach and take care of myself, and more importantly, my son.

I’m sorry this post is so long. I hope it helps.

[courage]

A psychiatrist friend said something that I have found very helpful: the best thing you can do for him now is leave. It’s up to him whether he takes advantage of this opportunity.

[georgia26]

bless your heart.. thats so sad.

you cant blame yourself for whats happened and for leaving, you cant live like that.

there is literally nothing else you can do or could have done, being the person who loves an alcoholic is so hard because its like the person has died but their shell is still here.. its horrendous

i think its about time you started living and loving yourself, you need to let go.. he wont change, this will continue and yes its hard to think he will eventually kill himself by drinking but he will do that anyway – with you present, you will have no influence on this and you cannot change it.

i think you need to start living your life and moving on, you deserve so much more.

I wish you all the best in life, take care and get some counselling, it helped me a lot..

xxxx

[saralance]

Watching a family member, friend, or coworker with an alcohol use disorder can be difficult. You might wonder what you can do to change the situation, and whether or not the person even wants your help. Do not be deceived – if you are going to be direct and go straight to the point in your conversation, then get ready to hear that there is no problem. – Come on, everyone drinks, you as well, so why do you think it is solely me having an issue? You got drunk last Sunday, and somehow it is me being an alcoholic, huh? – Et cetera… Let these phrases go because, as you can imagine, your loved one will try to convince you that he or she is not an alcoholic. If there is a problem, then there is always a reason for it; the problem can be solved and there are specific steps to take in order to do so. These principles can be easily adapted to alcoholism and I use this pattern because I want you to believe from the very beginning that it is doable and feasible to help an alcoholic you love. For more info you can check this book – net-bossorg/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you-love

[bathshebathefirst]

My husband died from a massive heart attack. He was a functioning alcoholic.

I was in denial for most of our life together as he was a good provider and loved his stepchildren.

I too was married to a non functioning alcoholic ( the father of my children)

My second husband was and still is the live of my life.But I hadn’t realised until he died the effect of his drinking on my mental health. I have spent years suffering from depression and anxiety and spent thousands trying to find a cure.

My husband was in so many ways caring and very generous but sadly always right.

His inflated ego meant it was impossible to win an argument. I have gone along with his plans and at times drank heavily with him.

I have believed all his promises only to be let down.

When I realised that he would never stop drinking I started to withdraw.

In the end after his death this has hurt me than it ever did him.

He was clever, had a great sense of humour and people loved him( especially woman)

His funeral was packed with people telling me how great he was.

I am not sure if there were affairs ?? But their was suspicions or feelings . In retrospect I wish I had followed my intuition.

If I ever questioned him it was ‘ my jealousy at fault) The social functions where I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

I have found since he died things I didn’t know about our financial affairs .

We have lived in some lovely houses and each time we moved I thought things would change .If we moved here ?? we would ———-.

The Jekyll and Hyde personality, The tomorrow we will?The let’s downs because he has to work!!

The illogical mind created by the alcoholism ( which I never appreciated whilst he was alive)

makes discussing anything so difficult it makes you feel you are going mad.

Now in death I can see the manipulations, the lies the craziness.

My anxiety has left me . How can this be ? I am grieving the live of my life??

My future has disappeared yet I am still breathing??

The madness of grieve overwhelmed me. It’s not normal grief as I have watched someone drink themselves to death.

Before he died I was too traumatised to speak . I wanted to hug him, kiss him , tell him I love him but I was paralysed.

I lived in hope for better days. I hadn’t realised they were never going to materialise.

The guilt I feel because I couldn’t save him. The revert that I lived in Seidel for so long and didn’t get help for myself re his drinking out of a sense of loyalty breaks my heart.

If I had realised it was a disease? Maybe I could have ha died it better instead of always reacting emotionally.

The insanity of alcoholism hurts.

The best piece of advice I can give is to get help for yourself first. Understand as much as you can about the disease so you can make the right decisions for you.

[bathshebathefirst]

In above post I meant love of my life. Typing error.

[esta]

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