[cherryb]

I know now that my husband is a cocaine addict and over the last year (since he made me aware he had been taking it at weekends, at home) I have watched him change from a loving husband and my best friend to someone I do not recognise and it is having a big impact not only on our relationship, our family but me too.

I was supportive when he told me that he had started using it in the lockdown, I knew he did it before on odd nights out. I had absolutely no idea he had been doing this every weekend but it explained so much. He said he couldn’t stop and broke down. This was over a year ago but nothing has changed and I have watched him fall into the cycle of addiction over time.

I have encouraged him to research it, get support and all that but nothing has changed and it has got worse. I have done lots of research to understand this and each time we have had a heart to heart I had hoped it would be enough for him to recognise it was a problem but he has been in denial.

I have ensured he always knew I would be there to support him but I now realise I need to put my children and myself first.

He is using at weekends and still working all week. He is using more and I feel I am losing him.

At the weekends it’s the same cycle, it’s been very tough as I’m sure you will all relate too. I am now confident to say he is an addict. He has lied, been very hard to be around and been selfish.

We’ve had the treading on egg shells, nasty behaviours, mood swings, but now it’s just detachment and crashing all weekend in bed.

I know he has an illness and I know he needs to want to accept it is a problem and he needs to want to get help for anything to change.

I recently found out he has been lying to me about how much he earns and has kept a lot of money from me for a long time and spent it all whilst dipping into our joint savings to get us through the month. All while chastising and controlling me over money.

It has actually tipped me over the edge as I’ve come to the realisation of the extent of the problem and knowing he has broken my trust like this in a different way.

I have been more assertive this time and told him we are walking different paths. That I can’t solve this or have the strength to carry him through this. I have told him how much it is affecting our relationship and the one with his children.

I have been lucky to be able to find a counsellor who I see weekly and I am trying so hard to be the consistent parent and take care of them myself but it is getting so hard now and is affecting me mentally more and more.

Now I know the truth I am trying to process it all, I know I can’t pretend this isn’t happening. I am coming to terms with the next steps which will be boundaries. We have agreed on some relating to finances and I’ve moved the rest of the savings to a separate account. I am completely heartbroken.

I feel stressed and scared about the situation and our future. He is a good man but he is destroying trust.

I feel so alone and can’t talk to anyone else about it. I guess I am still protecting him because I know the damage it could cause confiding in family or others.

It’s all hit me recently in one go and I am determined to try to not fall apart but it’s hard. I sadly know deep down where this is heading. Until he is ready to get help it will just get worse.

This forum has been a great comfort to me, reading the stories has given me so much support this past year. I feel for everyone dealing with addiction and the families affected by it.

[bailey33]

Hi CherryB

I have just finished a 15 year relationship due to his cocaine addiction that has only gotten worse since it started five years ago.

I didn’t tell anyone for a long time, at least my family anyway as almost all of his family & friends take it too!

I’m four weeks into our separation and over the past couple of days my anxiety has eased, my appetites coming back, I’ve lost over a stone in a month.

I have four children to think about and a new career but what really bought closure for me was the fact he came to visit his children the weekend and just before leaving I heard him sniff coke up his nose in my kitchen. That was it for me! It still hurts and will for a while but I refuse to let my mental health decline anymore, I refuse to lose anymore sleep, I refuse to second guess if he has or hasn’t had it, I refuse to watch him destroy himself.

I’m a big fan of quotes lately, they seem to really hit me. There’s one I love and it says:

“I broke my own heart, to save my soul. There’s not a thing you can tell me about self-love that I don’t already know”

Sorry your going through this. It’s shit! Do what’s right for you, put yourself first. X

[cherryb]

Thank you so much for this Bailey33 I love the quote and identify with it so much. Well done for being so brave and putting yourself and your children first. I am glad your starting to feel better. I think it’s a process we have to go through to reach that point because we love them so much and still hold onto hope. It is so heartbreaking isn’t it… I can’t tell you how much it meant to read your reply and it confirms things to me that it will keep getting worse. I am on this journey now and feel stronger now I know the truth. until he changes nothing will apart from I will keep getting worse. Thank you and take care x

[cherryb]

And yes it’s shit! I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m sorry for all you have been through too x

[cherryb]

Thank you so much for this Bailey33 I love the quote and identify with it so much. Well done for being so brave and putting yourself and your children first. I am glad your starting to feel better. I think it’s a process we have to go through to reach that point because we love them so much and still hold onto hope. It is so heartbreaking isn’t it… I can’t tell you how much it meant to read your reply and it confirms things to me that it will keep getting worse. I am on this journey now and feel stronger now I know the truth. until he changes nothing will apart from I will keep getting worse. Thank you and take care x

[cherryb]

And yes it’s shit! I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m sorry for all you have been through too x

[ifonly]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through but your not alone and it’s hard my husband has used to the extreme and he still doesn’t see the problem but every night I never see him doing it. So if I comment he can try deny it. I’ve put up with it too long so I snapped few weeks back told him he had a problem said it straight your an addict you need help. I help a few years ago we were better for about 6 months. Since I called him an addict the worst name calling my kids are adults now i cant hide any of it now and stand up to him so then last Sunday he left I’ve not spoke to him seen him visiting his parents being the perfect son and I’m the problem have issues I’ve not spoke yet but I’m going to tell all this time they’ve helped pay enough debt of I’m angry and hurt that he chose coke over us and 26 years together

[cherryb]

Ifonly, I am sorry for everything your going through. The cocaine will always win over us won’t it. I have told my husband he has an addiction and once you can accept it and say it out loud it is a big step. I feel ahead of my husband in recognising he is addicted and that has been a turning point for me . I think he did not use for the first time last night but today has been very tough. I feel confident it won’t last. He has not been a nice person to be around and my anxiety has been through the roof. I hope you can begin to rebuild your life again, you deserve to be happy.

[cherryb]

Ifonly, I am sorry for everything your going through. The cocaine will always win over us won’t it. I have told my husband he has an addiction and once you can accept it and say it out loud it is a big step. I feel ahead of my husband in recognising he is addicted and that has been a turning point for me . I think he did not use for the first time last night but today has been very tough. I feel confident it won’t last. He has not been a nice person to be around and my anxiety has been through the roof. I hope you can begin to rebuild your life again, you deserve to be happy.

[ifonly]

Thank you cherryb x been hard last couple of days thinking about how much we have lost its sad I was his world once.think I’m facing up to being over this time I can’t forgive and forget the vile comments over last few weeks this page helps so much xxx take care

[cherryb]

Hi Ifonly, You deserve better and I hope you are managing to get through things with support. I agree this page has been a lifeline for me too. I find it to be a great support with people sharing their stories.

My husband has had a weekend off it and didn’t we all feel it. I’ve tried to be supportive but so much damage has been done. It’s actually been a terrible weekend.

I know we deserve better and I hope you can try to rebuild your life after everything you have been through. It is so sad and heartbreaking knowing life is never going to be what it once was. I hope you can continue to focus on you and put yourself first Take care xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi CherryB,

Thankyou for sharing your story. I am so sorry to read how tough life is for you, dealing with your husband’s addiction and keeping stability for the children.

I’m glad that you have found this forum useful and if you would like any more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support and guidance to families in your situation. If you get in touch one of our trained and experienced Family Friends would speak with you if you would find that helpful.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you and your family.

[cherryb]

Thank you for this. I am very grateful there is support from people on this forum and organisations like yourself. I will take a look at your site now.

[harry123]

I’m a cocaine addict and I see all the same mistakes I made during my relationship I chose partying with my friends and didn’t realise how bad it was till it was to late now I’ve lost my kids and the only women who truly cared about me not just fake friends who don’t have your best interest at heart I see more and more men going through the same mistakes I made and I just hope someone can read this thread and change before it’s to late and they loose everyone that actually cares for them x

[cherryb]

Hi Harry123, I am sorry you are going through what you are and thank you for posting. I am sure like my husband you are a good man, it is an illness. I am sorry you have ended up in this situation and hope you are doing ok? The hard thing is the damage this causes, it becomes too late to repair it and without support I can not see my husband being able to change.

I see it from both sides and hope with all my heart he can get support now.

He has not used this weekend and I think he thinks he is ok…but he has mountains to climb.

I know I will need to put myself and my children first as they need a strong and well parent.

I hope you are getting support yourself! Take care x

[harry123]

I’m a cocaine addict and I see all the same mistakes I made during my relationship I chose partying with my friends and didn’t realise how bad it was till it was to late now I’ve lost my kids and the only women who truly cared about me not just fake friends who don’t have your best interest at heart I see more and more men going through the same mistakes I made and I just hope someone can read this thread and change before it’s to late and they loose everyone that actually cares for them.

[ifonly]

Hi cherryb I’m sorry to hear you had such a bad weekend.my husband ended up walking out Sunday not spoke to him since I spotted him today looking rough so still on it and in denial.

Saturday was his bad mood day I was ignoring it anything to put me down as I’m the one with the problem got to the point both boys told him to shut up!! there not baby’s no more There young adults that work hard so proud of them. I always hid it in the past, just like we do with our husbands if it’s not bad moods it’s big ideas and promises that never happen so now I’m going to leave him to it… I’ve slept better this week had no anxiety which is good. It’s harder when kids are young I hope you take a look and the extra support being offered I feel better just for talking on here a big help take care x

[ifonly]

Hi cherryb I’m sorry to hear you had such a bad weekend.my husband ended up walking out Sunday not spoke to him since I spotted him today looking rough so still on it and in denial.

Saturday was his bad mood day I was ignoring it anything to put me down as I’m the one with the problem got to the point both boys told him to shut up!! there not baby’s no more There young adults that work hard so proud of them. I always hid it in the past, just like we do with our husbands if it’s not bad moods it’s big ideas and promises that never happen so now I’m going to leave him to it… I’ve slept better this week had no anxiety which is good. It’s harder when kids are young I hope you take a look and the extra support being offered I feel better just for talking on here a big help take care x

[harry123]

There is a good saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone it’s so sad to see you’ve got this point where you have to leave, Coming from a cocaine addict myself you don’t see the damage or how much it affects everyone els by spending money that could be used els wear constantly telling lies about taking it or what your doing to avoid arguments but that ruins all trust and making promises that u Carnt keep as you want to keep them but you end up sniffing again and ruin everything then you promise you’ll never do it again then a day later your back doing it again and hating yourself for being so weak just a shame it takes loosing it to make you change

[cherryb]

Hey Ifonly, sometimes there are no words, another tough weekend for us and many others i am sure. You sound like your doing an amazing job with your boys ???? I’m glad your anxiety has improved and you’ve slept better. This weekend has really affected me and it’s made me ill. Think it’s the realisation of the situation and it’s ironic as he did not use this weekend and it’s been horrific. I am taking things one bit at a time. This group has been a lifeline , I can share what’s happening and people support and just understand.

I am going to look at the extra support, I am seeing a counsellor who is brilliant and on this journey with me. Thank you for posting and your support. I am thinking of you x

[ifonly]

Harry123 hope your getting help. you sound remorseful it’s sad to hear what cocaine has taken from you. Everyone has a breaking point I’m absolutely gutted I’ve never asked for much just wanted a happy home and it was the best up to 6 years ago I never thought after 28 years together he’d break me like this .

[ifonly]

Harry123 hope your getting help. you sound remorseful it’s sad to hear what cocaine has taken from you. Everyone has a breaking point I’m absolutely gutted I’ve never asked for much just wanted a happy home and it was the best up to 6 years ago I never thought after 28 years together he’d break me like this .

[ifonly]

Hi cherryb Another halfway point to the weekend I’m ready for snapping the day my husband walked out was the day he picked parents up from holiday I’m guessing I’ve been blamed for why he left I’ve been ignored totally like I’m at fault there son not home they don’t know about the cocaine. Tonight he’s been down all of 5 minutes next door in his parents we have always had My granddaughter stay Saturday except the last2

My little saviour we have so much fun together then he called her in next door spent 5 minutes and left He hasn’t seen her for 2 weeks I’ve seen her loads. Sad .he’s a grandad who’s walked out for coke I don’t know how his body copes with it.

Take care

[cherryb]

Hi Ifonly, so sorry to see things have been rubbish. You know the truth and if you are not wanting to share this with his parents I understand that too.

Where do you think things will go from here? I hope you are managing to take care of yourself in all this xx

[ifonly]

Hi cherryb Another halfway point to the weekend I’m ready for snapping the day my husband walked out was the day he picked parents up from holiday I’m guessing I’ve been blamed for why he left I’ve been ignored totally like I’m at fault there son not home they don’t know about the cocaine. Tonight he’s been down all of 5 minutes next door in his parents we have always had My granddaughter stay Saturday except the last2

My little saviour we have so much fun together then he called her in next door spent 5 minutes and left He hasn’t seen her for 2 weeks I’ve seen her loads. Sad .he’s a grandad who’s walked out for coke I don’t know how his body copes with it.

Take care

[Author]

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