[Hays1986]

Hi

This is my first time reaching out but I am entirely at my wits end with my Husband.
He has been using cocaine for around the last 8 years, I’ve never even so much as tried it, and not that he has ever pushed it on me but it does use it against me as in I don’t understand what he gets from it.
Things have been progressively worse, to the point he waits for me and my two young children to go to bed and will start using once we’re asleep.
We’ve had episodes where he goes on 5 day binges. I’ve moved out before and threatened its the end of our marriage, I’ve thrown him out etc. But I always end up taking him back because (as silly as it sounds) when we got married it was forever.
However, I’ve just returned from a short break abroad, I even asked his sister to book the time off work so she could move in with him and the girls. I genuinely thought he wouldn’t mess up (I don’t know why) and it turns out he waited for the last night whilst he was home alone our children and decided to start using whilst I was flying home. I am so disgusted in him.
I mean I could go on and on about what we have been through and what we haven’t. But I guess I’m just going round in circles, I feel like perhaps I’m trying to hold on to someone who just isn’t there anymore???

[Lozzy80]

I’m so sorry Hays ????  my husband is addicted to cocaine too…and what I have come to realise when he is using , it comes above all other things that would be important to him…everything

 

We don’t have children so I cannot imagine dealing with that on top , I hope you can find support for yourself now … I’ve said on anothe thread this morning , we need help ourselves to break free from this cycle..it’s emotional abuse …the lies, deception, constantly being let down , mood swings , nasty comments , debts /financial ruin, list goes on doesnt it..

It hurts so much…I also value marriage as forever …I feel a failure .. it I know this is no way to live.

 
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I heard a good analogy the other day –  they are drowning in the lake, and rather than grabbing you with both hands and getting out…they are drowning and taking us with them</p>
 
<p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

[rabbito]

Hey,

I’m so sorry – this sounds horrible for you. Definitely not ok to be using like that in the house with the children and especially not while being the sole carer for them. Do you have options to move out or to ask him to move out? You have every right to do this and are protecting you and your children. I know how hard that is to do though 🙁

[rdnb]

As an ex-coke user myself (been clean for 2 years now) I have some advice for you and it isn’t good news and I have to be blunt with this and I’m going to explain what is happening.

So cocaine is a stimulant and is apart of a group of drugs called ampetemines (uppers) this group contains drugs such as MDMA and Speed. They all do the same thing and get you high. I mean high as in it floods your brain with huge amounts of uncontrolled dopemine. far, far more than the brain will ever release in normal circumstances.

Dopemine is basically what gives you pleasure. Such as when you have sex and have an orgasm.. that’s a dopemine hit, you get alot of it released when you orgasm. Anything you do that you like and enjoy, you get a dopemine hit for it. it makes you feel good. – Dopemine in the brain in usual circumstances is controlled by the brain itself so you never get too much of it but just enough to want to feel that feeling again. You do the things you enjoy because it makes you feel good. Such as when your kids do something and get excited, you get excited for them too. – This is why kids are never seem to sit still because their young brains are just constantly giving them hits of dopemine and kids being kids seek it out in anything that makes them feel good. it’s basically your brains lifeforce in simple terms. It keeps you alive, it keeps you going to work, doing the dishes etc.

Ok, now I’ve explained what dopemine is I’ll move on to whats happening in your husbands brain when he is using.

So when he does a line it goes straight to the brain via the bloodvessels in the nose. it’s absorbed very, very quickly and it only takes maybe a minute to feel the effects. – it starts off gradually and just gets stronger and stronger and after a few minutes his brain has been flooded with massive amounts of uncontrolled dopemine in amounts that the brain wouldn’t even come close to releasing, he’s basically just gave his brain an orgasm. So he’s super happy, chatty, looks like he’s enjoying himself and is probably really nice to be around. I bet he’s tried it on with you when he’s had a line, maybe you’ve had great sex while he’s high.

20 mins later it’s worn off and he’s feeling like crap.. so does another and when that’s worn off it’s another. I don’t know the extent of your husbands habit but it sounds as if he’s balls deep in his addiction. it’s why people get addicted to it because it makes you feel good. – it’s not something that happens over night, it creeps up on you over a long period of time. – you feel awful when it’s wearing off which is why you keep using. the withdrawals and comedowns are horrible.

it goes from a line with your mates at the weekend to a line after you’ve had an argument with him, a line when he’s abit stressed, it goes from using at the weekend to using it in the week then using it more in the week to eventually just doing it everyday.. you need more and more to get the same effect as the brains defence mechinisms kick in and as the tolorence goes up amd so does the use.

– At my height I was doing £100 quid a day and I was 15 grand in debt. I also owed my dealer £1500 quid. I was sniffing 8balls in 3 or 4 lines.. my lines weighed a gram and if you saw how much a gram is in powder form you’d be sick.

Eventually you stop getting high and this is when the real fun begins.

You mentioned he waits till you’ve gone somwhere till he uses. That’s because of the paranoia.. if you use enough you get acute paranoia and that is nighmarish… it eats away at you and makes you feel like you’re trapped in a living nightmare. your hearing all sorts, you think you’re being watched or followed by something unseen and you can’t just stop it. – it’s what lead me to try ending my own life. so you HAVE to keep using to keep that paranoia at bay.. it’s no longer a choice you have when you reach this stage it becomes something else altogether. the cocaine owns you now and you’re not going to stop because if you do then the paranoia starts the withdawrals are vile.

It starts dictating your life down to the last hour. you start planning when you need to have a line, you have your dealer on speed dial and he’s probably or if he isn’t already he’ll be getting it on ‘tick’ which means he’ll get a bag and owe the money to his dealer. when your addicted to cocaine nothing else matters, not you, not his kids, not anything and this is the truth.. the only thing that matters is getting a line – you leaving makes him stop using cause he’s lost you and the kids but as soon as you go back he’ll start using again and the cycle continues. – it rewires your brain to the point where you can’t function without a line.

I nearly lost my job because of it, I tried to end my life 3 times because I couldn’t get off it. it really is that addictive.. it ends up literally controlling your life and you’ll risk doing stupid stuff just to have it, like maybe going into work late because you need a line to get through work so you need a bag. – I had 2 choices 2 years ago when my mate saved my life – I either keep using and end up dead or get off it and live.

Doesn’t matter how many times I talk about this is still gets me highly emotional but I carry on because I don’t want to see another victim to cocaine.

I don’t know where in his addiction your husband is but he needs help and fast. if he doesn’t get help RIGHT NOW he’ll not only lose you and his kids but he’ll lose EVERYTHING and this includes his own life.

I really hope he gets professional help, there’s nothing you can do at this stage.. nothing you say will stop him using because if he’s addicted enough he’ll just think your nagging, he won’t want to admit he has a problem because I didn’t.. it took 3 attempts on my life to finally reach out and get the help I so badly needed because I wouldn’t be here right now warning you otherwise. For you and your kids and relationships sake he needs help and it can’t wait, addictions only get worse until he’s hit rock bottom and then he’ll have 2 choices like I did after he’s lost everything like me. stop using and live or keep using and die.

Sorry to be blunt and if it terrifies you then I’m sorry, it’s just how it is. how all addictions are. – My mate still uses and I don’t see him anymore but I can tell he still uses cause I know the signs when I do see him and it’s not good. some people can hide thier addictions for years. it seems like your husband can’t hide it and this is why you are reaching out for help. – I hope that he does. I’m sorry you’re going through this. stay safe.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/
They also have a treatment programme for addicts too, if he would like he help. It is totally free of charge in compassion to all other rehabs in the country!!

[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>rdnd – Thank you for your comments here.  I continue to try to understand how this drug has affected my husband.  Your description of this nightmare that is difficult and heartbreaking to watch as I saw my husband change into someone else when I was looking right at him.  It forever changed him even though he quit using it decades ago.</p>

[Lottier]

My husband has the same problem so I sympathise with you, and am sorry for anyone or any families going through this as it’s horrible.
i was embarrassed to tell or involve anyone else so put up with it for 2 1/2 years (not sure if he was taking it before) but when it got too bad for myself and children to deal with, bad paranoia 5 nights out of 7,  I was being woken for a few hours a night about 2am as he thought we had burglars in our garden, i watched him run round in boxers chasing the men so he could show me they were real, it was trees and shadows, or him thinking a man, I was having an affair with was in our bed, so took covers, Mattress off to try and find him, and going through my phone for hours looking for proof, ( I wasn’t I had gone off men a bit at the time and was exhausted!) I was then getting up with a toddler, while he slept most of the day, then got up to do work, I reached out to his family for help and they helped get him into rehab which he has returned from.

I know it isn’t going to be easy moving forward but what I’m struggling with is how I almost feel everyone’s blaming me for him doing it, his councillors, family and him

we bicker over silly things but now I’m not able to snap or moan (could be as silly as him saying there are no cups and me saying you know how to put the dishwasher on, yes it’s snapping but sure other wives would say same??) he now leaves the house cause I’ve raised my voice and goes to family till I’ve calmed down and rings counsellor, I’m a bit wtf and get more angry by the over reaction.

I am not sure if this will get easier but it’s quite exhausting, I was so pleased for him coming back and proud how he’s keeping clean but it’s like I’m treading on eggshells re everything

I’ve spoken to his councillor re this and he just said the drugs were to mask problems in our marriage and I need family counselling to deal with my issues, I feel it is easy for everyone to blame me but feel a bit ganged up on and alone.

[jamesb]

Hi Lottie, I hope youre okay and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I felt the need to reply to this, mainly because I at one point behaved like your husband.

I was a cocaine addict and without going into to far into my personal relationship details, I used to blame my partner alot for use. Not entirely but for example, she would question me on something, I would kick off and say have I not proved to you I am trying to change, I’d say I needed to leave to calm down and go for a drive but infact i wanted to get out the house to have a nose. I’m not saying this is what your partner is doing but as an addict I found it hard to accept the 2 parts of me. Because withouty addiction, I considered myself a good person. Loving caring would do anything for anyone, so I had a hard time accepting I was doing wrong. Addiction is clever because it will cause you to manipulate the way you think and your outlook so to me, I was never the problem, “I want to stop but I can’t because she’s on my case all the time”.  “If she would just stop questioning me or thinking I’m lying then we wouldn’t argue and I’d want to be at home and not out sniffing”.

 

The thing is, I took an amazing loving girl and through my lies, secretiveness and addiction I drove her insane, turned her into someone who was cold to me unable to believe anything I said and when I eventually came down from the high and was craving love and affection I couldn’t understand why she was so cold or angry or suspicious so I’d twist it around and blame her for not loving me or being there for me.

 

The truth is that addiction has nothing to do with anyone else other than the person using. It’s their own way of dealing with life and the choice they make. I’m not saying its an addicts fault they are addicted that isn’t the case at all but what I’m saying is that your husband’s use has absolutely nothing to do with you so please do not feel responsible.

 

My advice to you would be to withdraw yourself from the situation.

As hard as it is, try to emotionaly withdraw. Ask yourself are these people who are telling me to not raise my voice worried about your mental health and wellbeing considering all I’ve been out through?

 

Don’t allow yourself to be a scapegoat because believe me an addict will blame anyone other than themselves.

 

When I got clean the hardest thing I have had to face is trying to get my still ex (we are still very close but not actually together) partner to understand that all the things I did where never intended to hurt her. Trying to make her understand that I always loved her no matter how much my actions said the opposite. Although I stood there and said to her looking in her eyes that she was a massive contributing factor to my addicting that infact it never was anything she did at all.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I feel sick thinking of the hurt felt by partners of addicts.

 

Feel free to come back to me if you have any questions.

 

Sending love and strength

 

James x

 

[eddie123]

<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. </span><span style=”color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: large;”><span style=”caret-color: #183264;”>adaptoxford.org.uk I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.</span></span>

[Lottier]

Thank you for your reply James I was starting to doubt myself and think maybe I am to blame, also thinking if I’m so bad surely he’d be better off without me and we could maybe move on and find other people to make us happy

everything that you said hit home, I’ve been called cold so many times and have had so many sleepless nights I’ve lost count, did you and your ex have children?

I know things need to change as am a shell of the person I used to be, it’s a struggle to leave the house as feel so low, whatever I say or do is wrong, he leaves the house and goes to his family as talks to them not m, so I fo t have a clue what he’s thinking, I’ve got his family saying how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, although his actions don’t show this

the one good thing is he isn’t using but he’s come back so different, I don’t know if it will get easier or how long to let him do what he’s doing.

[cap50]

I feel like reading your comments has really hit home with me.
I’ve been living with my husband’s addiction for years. Recently split but feel as though no one has my back apart from my family and friends but everyone on his side feels bad for him. He’s acting like he was truthful about his using and I just ended it. Which isn’t the case. I just think that being the parter of an addict is the most lonely place to be and you get the blame for everything when really you’re the victim of the lies, gaslighting, financial and mental abuse.
dobt get me wrong I know the addict is living in pain but it feels like they created all this but no one else really wants to help them and because it’s easy for them to blame you it feels like everybody else does too! Just wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even when you finally have had enough then it’s still making you feel guilty.
my heart goes out to anyone dealing with this ❤️

[eddie123]

<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.</span>

[eddie123]

<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you. They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk<span style=”caret-color: #183264; color: #183264; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.</span>

[eddie123]

<div class=”” style=”caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;”>Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/</div>
They also have a treatment programme for addicts too, if he would like he help. It is totally free of charge in compassion to all other rehabs in the country!

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