[AnonJ]

I accused him of doing cocaine, when I shouldn’t have. I shouldv’e had more trust in him, he doesn’t deserve me treating him like this.

 

I want to die, I would give my life to just take the time back and not say those words to him, to not make him feel so bad, so un-trusted. Why am I sabotaging my own relationship? after the past months have been so good?

He is my world, He is the love of my life. I am so terrified of losing him.

But then why couldn’t I take another minute to stay calm and not jump to conclusions?

 

Context:

My partner struggled with cocaine addiction in the past, it has gotten so much better, he has been sober for a while, and then was able to use it and stop – which was mainly the issues before.

Couple of days ago he got triggered by something I said, which sent him into having a really bad depressed day, at the end of which he went to do a couple of lines with a friend, but then came home and slept.

The day after (yesterday) I tried to not make a big deal of it – after all, that was the aim, right? – to be able to be ok with. small use, to not demonize it.

But his behaviour throughout the day made me feel as if he was somehow still high, he once mentioned to me he would leave a bit of coke to do the day after, to avoid being super tired, and just get through the day.

Throughout the day he did eat, he worked, and he was communicative – which I tried to use to put my mind at ease (I was working from the office he was home) – but I saw small tell signs that I knew are usually the way he behaves when he is high.

I was worried, but I told myself I might be over thinking it. I did not want to spark an argument or wrongfully accuse him. We even went to dinner with my friends, but I still had that in the back of my mind, I did not want to say anything, to not aggravate him, I didn’t want to have a fight, maybe I was wrong.

Today I woke up and went to the gym ( we slept through the night, which should’ve also been such a good sign, If eel so dumb re-playing this in my head)  and when I returned he wasn’t home, and for some reason my first thought was “he is out to buy drugs before i come back home”, because he usually texts me when he wakes up.

When he did text me his good morning message my reaction was wrong, I thought he is trying to deceive me that he is still home, not knowing I returned – and I said “I’ve been home for 15 minutes, what the fuck is going on”.

He was on a bike ride for cardio. He never lied to me, why did I just assume that?

It escalated into a fight where he, quite rightfully, accused me of not trusting him, and that why would this be an issue if he did eat, and work, and sleep, and went to dinner with my friends the day before.

Why was this my first reaction? I feel so guilty and so wrong, I could have just waited, but my initial response was that of “something is up and something is wrong”. Why didn’t I just wait, It was 8 am, why did I go to the most ridiculous case scenario.

He doesn’t deserve this. He’s been nothing but amazing.
But him using makes me so scared, which is even more stupid, why would i bring it up, why would I make it worse.

 

I feel like no one can understand, and that nothing I do is right.

 

[paw_x]

I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. What you did is react to your partner, who has previously had addiction issues, going out and doing cocaine. Why wouldn’t you fear the worst? Why wouldn’t you think he might be over-doing it like he’s done before?

If he’s previously had addiction issues he can slip back into that easily. Why does he think he can go out and do a couple of lines like it’s nothing, if you’ve been through the trauma of dealing with his addiction in the past and all the problems it likely caused?

I don’t trust my partner in the slightest at the moment given he’s just been through addiction and is in recovery. I don’t know how long your partner has been in recovery, but the trust isn’t something that comes back easily. If he announced tonight he was going for “just a couple of lines”, I would lose the plot. So I think you’re being awfully hard on yourself if you have previously stuck by an addict in his worst times x

[jamesb]

Hi mate,

I agree with paw in as much as you don’t need to feel guilty for the way you now feel when certain things happen.

Like already said, you have been through the trauma of being with someone battling addiction.

The most amazing thing I see here is that you are acknowledging his positive behaviours, and for his recovery that will be vital.

The lines (excuse the pun) are blurred though with the fact he went out to do a few lines but it’s not my place to judge on the agreement you guys have on what is acceptable in your relationship and if you can accept him doing a few lines every now and then and in a way where he still functions then that’s up to you. But the issue is that with you knowing openly he still gets on it a little it gives you a logical reason to suspect he could be taking it further.

I think here communication is key. I feel like you need to be honest with yourself about if you really are okay with him using at all and I know you don’t want to lose him but this is clearly effecting you.

If you are then you need to let him know how your brain works. You need to say to him “I’m still worried about you slipping back into heavier use so I may need extra reassurance when you’re not on it”. Let him know that things like not messaging and leaving the house still make you assume the worst but speaking about it openly means it shouldn’t get to the point you’re having to kick off.

I do however overall feel that you’re playing a dangerous game where you don’t like him using but allow him to do a little.

This seems like it will go round and round forever as you will never know for sure if he is on it or not.

 

I guess what I’m saying it be honest with eachother about what you really want out of this. Are you willing to put up with him using and is he prepared to stop completely of that’s what you want in your relationship.

 

Sorry I feel that probably isn’t much help but I hope it makes some sort of sense

 

Take care

 

James x

[navy]

Hi AnonJ

i haven’t posted on here in a while but wanted to answer you:-

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I feel your frustration and anger. I’m going through a similar thing.

I left him as it got to much for me to handler and I couldn’t live any more lies.  It was horrific for the first few days he said and done horrible things to me. He then begged me to come home that me leaving was a wake up call. It took a few days of  me deciding if I could live with him, he promised me he would do online rehab, he would include me and do tests……..I came back he was the nicest man ever, he was kind, caring and we went away for a couple of days of which he slept 3 out of 4 which I assume was the come down.

Work had issues which I know hasn’t helped but I been home 6 weeks and things have gone back to the way they were. He’s manipulating me. I can’t leave again, but this is so hard as I know he is doing it. I found it on the units again,  he won’t let me clean his room (another sign) he is over eager, can’t stop talking and is constantly sniffing (excuse hay fever) yeah right.

I’m hoping to sit with him later to say lets get a date in diary for rehab to start as we are supposed to be going away in June which is 6-7 weeks time at least then he will have a start. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

 

I wanted to ask a question. Do you addicts  know how awful you are to us when we have suspicions (that are correct) and have stood by you, loved you and are trying to help. Is this the cocaine talking as we seem to be the bad guy. I’m feeling pretty low today and really just want to leave. I know I have to stand up to him as he promised me no drugs in house and there is. Why do you have to take it when you’re with us we are your wife your supposed to be comfortable around us.

I’m going to try and sleep now it’s been an awful weekend

take care alnonj and look after yourself. You do need  to talk to him and let him know how this makes you feel when he doesn’t communicate with you as the trust is going to take a while to return.  He needs to be reassuring you.  I however don’t agree with a line now and then as it’s an addiction that will never go away unless he quits for good.

navy xx

 

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