[sissi]

Hi everyone, I am Sissi. Let’s start with some background first. My fiancé’s name is Glenn, we’re both 32. We have been together since 2014. He became addicted to opioids after he had broken his back in the service. His Dr had then prescribed him oxycodone, 30mg of pure oxycodone 4X a day. From there, it was a descent into hell. He had tried other drugs as well, meth, cocaine, pills, you name it; and he suffered multiple -almost lethal- overdoses, some with me by his side. He was taking mainly oxycodone, though, as this was his treatment at the time.

He took it for years (and that was not enough for his Dr who wanted to Also get him on a derivative of morphine, which my fiancé had refused) and he was starting to feel its toll on his body, and he wanted to quit oxycodone, so he quit taking it and replaced it with subutex off the streets and then switched to suboxone, which he preferred because of the naloxone in it, offering him some protection.

When we first got together, he had quit taking drugs, all of them, replacing them with alcohol, for nearly a year, drinking day and night, he was always drinking alcohol to deal with the withdrawals and then he also quit drinking and was sober for a short time; then he got back on the suboxone off the streets as he couldn’t handle the withdrawals without any medicine to help them.

He still wanted to be off of it though so he reached out to a rehab center at the VA and he explained his situation and wanting to be off of suboxone and had asked for help. That is when he met The most amazing Dr he had ever had, who had agreed to help him get off of it, weaning him down a little bit at a time.

In a span of about 2 years, he had been down to taking only an 8th of a suboxone pill a day, and his Dr had planned to take him off of it completely, followed by withdrawal medication, when he suddenly suffered from a stroke who turned him into a vegetable and he had to quit his practice, which stunned us and broke our hearts as he was the kindest and most amazing Dr, and also it meant Glenn had to start over with a new Dr.

His new Dr was horrible, he had no interest into helping him at all, he bluntly told him it was hopeless and he was going to be taking it his whole life, and had put him to 2 suboxone pills/day, completely disregarding the work of his colleague and mocking my fiancé’s goal. But he was not taking 2, he was only taking 1 and a quarter, which is still worse than the 8th of 1 he was taking but the Dr had absolutely discouraged him, which caused him to backslide.

He had his new Dr sometime in 2017. Then in early 2018, he was suddenly complaining of migraines which would Not go away. He would not go see a Dr so I forced him to go. They had discovered shortly after he was suffering from 2 bone spurs pushing directly toward his brain (TBIs from the military) and he immediately had to go through treatment, if not he would die.

At the same time he had also quit taking his suboxone treatment altogether, which put him through severe withdrawals. They put him back on his prescription, and he had also found a new Dr, more compassionate and with some ethics, who had agreed to wean him off like the previous Dr.

So, while he was going through the treatment for the bone spurs, he was also being slowly taken off of the suboxone. That started in 2018. After the Drs managed to get rid of them, they had found last year, right after, a new growth on his brain. Tumour. Benign but there nonetheless, which caused him the same debilitating symptoms than Alzheimer’s combined with loss of motor function, ETC.

He held on and kept taking reduced doses of the drug anyway month after month and he finally, with his Dr’s support and mine, quit taking it this year. After that, he went through 6 months of pure hellish, intense withdrawals, physical part then the mental part hit, and it was the worst, he said.

Right before this, he had also lost his mind, literally, due to the tumour which was causing him excruciating pain. He had started mixing his suboxone, (righ before he completely quit) taking way more than he was supposed to take, he was taking then a quarter of a pill a day I think, mixing it with hard liquour.

He knew my work schedule so he’d sneak to the local Pub when I was working. I found out what was going on and he had diced with death again, suffering a severe overdose. I knew I had to take a decision. We have no family or friends where we live, no support whatsoever, so I asked his boss for help, who trusted him and liked him, I took a bet.

She had this empty mansion away from the Pub, (that she usually rents but it was empty at the time) in the middle of nowhere; a piece of heaven. I begged her to take him, if he stayed, I knew he would have died, and she knew it too, I told her everything. She agreed because she does care about him and she though it was the best thing to do.

I packed his personal belongings and he was gone. He went to that place for 6 months, seeing his Dr at the beginning (then he couldn’t because of COVID so she would simply send him his meds through the mail). She was still wanting to take him off of the suboxone, that had not changed, so he got off of it, going through his symptoms from the tumour and the withdrawals together.

He had started losing hair as if he had gone through chemo and was Extremely weak. I went to see him every day to support him, after work and he kept on going. Before this, he had a business he had to shut down, so I was the only source of income. We barely made it, feeding us and the animals, paying the bills. But we made it. The worst was how people around, who knew his medical situation, trampled on us. That was so disgusting it made me sick.

Eventually, he pushed through and the symptoms from the tumour somehow subsided, and he was dealing with the withdrawals better. He said that sending him away (I had done this as he would have killed himself with the drugs and alcohol and that place was literally in the middle of nowhere and he had no vehicle so no temptation) was the best decision as he wanted to be by himself anyway, and he spent his days in the dark, fighting through it.

When he felt better, he progressively started working out, which helped with the withdrawals, and the symptoms of the tumour were still surprisingly under control too. He still has episodes of migraines etc but nothing compared to before. He came back home about a couple of months ago, completely off of suboxone and now on new medicine to help with withdrawal symptoms (the physical symptoms are mostly gone, it’s now the acute part, mental part which is supposedly the hardest) but it’s still very hard.

He was doing well, until he relapsed 2 days ago, taking a tiny piece of suboxone he had stashed somewhere and it made him higher than a kyte. He also took some other non narcotic pills today. He says he is sorry and he doesn’t want to take it, but it’s hard, and the Dr had predicted relapses could happen, but they wouldn’t bring him back all the way to the beginning either, that he just had to keep fighting. She says he is the only one he has known who was able to get off of this drug and she is amazed he is able to do this at home and not in rehab center. But it has its consequences.

I have been mad at him and frustrated, scared and tired. He has been verbally abusive with me these 2 days, destroying things in our home and screaming and just losing his mind. He never laid a hand on me but verbal abuse is just as bad as a beating, the effects are just as bad, and I know that because prior to him I was beat up for years by a man who almost killed me.

The abuse is so bad I honestly would rather be beat… to give a hint of how insane it is. I have been suffering from his episodes, from tumour mixed with drug addiction and I am SO tired. This had plunged me into severe depression. When he was gone, I had quit eating, quit getting up, doing all the things I enjoy, would never go out unless to walk my dogs or go to the store, in fact my dogs have helped me stay alive when I was by myself.

I had lost taste to life, quit talking to the few friends I do have, (writing to them as they are not here) don’t talk to my family at all and don’t want to talk about this stuff to them anyway as I am afraid of the jugdment (I have not told this to my closest friend I have known for 22 years!!!). I feel very lost and have had thoughts of ending it sometimes, stabbing myself. But I have not done it because I still have some hope it will get better with Glen and for the dogs too. I don’t want to leave them. I love them too much. They are my only love and support right now. My man is not himself, he says he loves me but he is obviously not the same; he has not been the same since the issues with the spurs started in 2018; and we had to put everything on pause, including our marriage, because of all this. I don’t want to talk to anyone I know, close or far, intimate or not, about this because like I said they would not understand nor want to help. Nor even care.

The few rare times I do have short interactions with people, it makes me feel so stupid. Today, I saw a stranger who was upset, so I went up to him and told him some kind words, and he told me to leave, saying ‘you think you’re good but you’re not, I feel sorry for you.’ The guy does Not even know me!!! I answered him, in tears ‘-you’re wrong, I don’t believe I’m good, I just wanted to be nice anyway.’ That is why I don’t talk to anyone. The few times I do try, people spew poison back.

I may have suffered but I have never grown bitter or mean. I have always kept my forgiving and kind nature, even though I do get frustrated and mad at times (but it doesn’t last). I have suffered immense trauma as a child (I have no memory of my childhood as my brain repressed it, I just have a few flashes. We have Thousands and Thousands of pics and videos of me as a child and I cannot remember ANY of those moments, it’s like looking at a stranger). I have a good nature and this helps, but at the same time it’s very hard at times.

So this is for me a very first step in telling my story and also wanting to hear from others about how you all are dealing with someone you know who is using or who is going through withdrawals.

I would take any advice, help, even some encouraging words. I am so heartbroken, so beat, I guess…. I was feeling pretty good after Glenn came back, before this relapse happened, so hopeful and proud of him, but when he relapsed a couple of days ago he was so high and the abuse was so bad, it’s like he had never gotten off of it, and I was just absolutely shocked at how badly he treated me…..

It had Never been That bad. Usually, (except for the 2 incidents where he had lost his mind this year) he would simply yell a few words when he had some harder moments, then apologize and get back to normal, so the abuse before that was very mild. What I witnessed today was like a freaking tornado. Pure insanity. And it lasted for hours. Then it stopped. And he apologized. And he said he is sorry for taking the drug 2 days ago and he regrets everything. But I am So tired. I don’t know what to do. Any advice for me to help him or me would be nice. Please, pray for him.

Thanks, Sissi.

[lindyloo]

Hi Sissi

I was so sad reading your story. I wanted you to know that people do care and pray for you and your partner.

If you read the other stories you’ll see that there are so many going through trauma as a result of their loved one using substances.

Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers, but as the mother of an addict I’ve been through all the lies, selfishness, broken promises and I’ve cried a river over it all.

It’s difficult because we love them and you do what you can to support them.

I can only suggest reading the other stories for support and advice and I know the forum supplies info too.

First and foremost look after yourself and stay healthy. Take pleasure in the little things.

I will keep you and your partner in my prayers and be strong.

Take care, God bless Lx

[sissi]

Thank you, Lindyloo, this means more than you know. I have never been on any forum for support regarding addiction before, I just never even thought about it until now. I guess it’s easier to open up to people we might never meet, inhibitions fall off… I will definitely read other people’s testimonies. I feel silly for not thinking about doing this before, it’s obvious we can learn from others, part of my depression has kept me away from people and my pc though, I have only used it when I needed to work, so I would not even think about reaching out another way; today it just ‘popped’ in my mind…

Thanks for your prayers.

[lindyloo]

You’re welcome, remember you are probably stronger than you think. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to seek support or help. There will always be someone who hears you.

Lx

[sissi]

Thanks. I will remember that. God bless.

[sissi]

Well, he’s now officially back on it now. Been 3 days of hell, I have not slept in 2, just watching over him, worrying. He had decided at 4:00 to go work on our vehicle last night, acting crazy. He would like to stop but he says he needs more support. I agree. We’ll see what happens. I caught him hiding klonopins in his pocket. I’m honestly too exhausted to be mad. My whole body aches, I’ve had a migraine for 24 hours now. I’m just broken. Voilà.

[lindyloo]

Hi sissi

I’m so sorry to read that things have not improved for you. You truly don’t deserve all this anguish.

I notice the Icarus trust posts here for help and support for you.

Also, if you read through some of the threads people post.

Some are people with similar stories to yours, some work with their partner and give them ultimations, some have had enough and will leave for their own sanity and for their children.

I guess its whatever is best for you.

It would be great if he could get involved with a support group like AA or NA . Unfortunately they can only offer online help just now. But they do the 12 steps – Google it. They get a sponsor who they can relate to and will support them through their recovery.

My son managed 3 months on it at best, at least he was around people who had been been or are, in the same situation.

Please look after yourself first, and seek further support here. I know it’s difficult cos you love them and don’t want to see them come to harm. The only way for him is complete abstinence and the meetings will help him with this.

Take care and I will keep you in my prayers. Lx

[sissi]

Thanks so much. Yes, we’ve talked about these things before. He refused support groups in the past, but he is open to it now. He does want to stop and he does want help as he has come to realize he just can’t do it on his own, so it is an improvement.

I am not going to lose my sanity, if this was to happen, it would already have happened. I suffer immensely as I’m isolated and had no one to confide in before and I’m really tired but I’m a strong person. I left my mom’s house when I was 15 to escape a cult she was in, so I know about survival. This is the story of my life. I just like to vent. I know you say people care and maybe some do but I know for a fact no one will care where I live. It is meth land, they’re all busy being on it, coming down from it or busy trying to find it.

It’s also pill land, of course, but meth is the big popular thing. It’s everywhere, you’ll find it in our shared bathroom of the complex, sparkly dust on the side of the sink. ALL our immediate neighbours are either on meth or pills, usually both, and also alcohol, if not just alcoholics since we also live next to a Pub. The police is always around, busting and arresting people. So no, I don’t want to get close to nobody here. I just work, go to the store, walk my dogs, go back inside, that’s it. The landlord’s son himself went to crash on my neighbour’s bed yesterday (door was open), going through withdrawals from meth. He is a heavy user. This is the daily activity here. You just open your door and it’s there, right in your face.

We have been trying to move to a better place before but couldn’t, we tried hard, also I was the only source of income for a while too, because of his medical condition and going through withdrawals, so we were lucky to afford even the bills to not be homeless…

I love him. Messed up or not, he is the love of my life. I am not saying this because I’m sick in the head or dependent or have issues. I LOVE him. And I am not going to Ever leave him, because he’s sick. I am not going to give him an ultimatum. Like I said, I’m just tired and a lot of the times disgusted too, of course I have extreme feelings. I guess it’s natural if you’re sane… we’re humans… We all have feelings. To share my feelings helps, I had nowhere to do that to before and also don’t want to confide to anyone I know, period.

I have started looking at other peoples’ testimonies and will continue, I am sure this will help too.

Wherever this is going, I am there with him and for him. Nowadays people just quit, find someone else/or not, but just leave. I don’t give up. I truly love him and will help him however I can. He never left a wounded soldier on the battlefield himself. I will not leave him behind. And I will also keep sharing my feelings, because it helps too, even if I say crazy things or just rambling.

__This morning he woke up, took his pill bottle and headed out the door to the store. Came back, asking me where his pill bottle is, asking me if I’m ‘messing’ with him. I said no, I don’t know where it is. I am not even crying anymore. My heart rate is not even elevated. I am too tired to be mad. I care but I guess I realize, after the initial blow, that going off the deep end is not going to accomplish anything for me at this point.

A few minutes later, he says he believes I did not hide the bottle, he just had a moment of paranoia. I have no idea where it is. Now he is running around trying to find it. He says he is most concerned because if someone else finds it and takes some, not knowing what it is, it could kill them, and he doesn’t want that to happen. I know he means it. That’s who he is. He will strip naked so someone can have some clothes to put on. He wants it back for him but he also cares about what could happen to someone else…

If he cannot find it, he will contact his Dr to have more. I am glad at least he wants to get help and not just do this on his own anymore. He is a strong willed person himself. I know he can do this.

[sissi]

How is your son doing now???

[sissi]

Also, because I respect his feelings too, I asked him what he wanted to do in general, what he wanted in life, what was better for him, going through this. With or without me, etc. I was just curious. I asked him also if he still wanted to be with me, period. He says my support has always been crucial and he still loves me, nothing has changed, he’s just struggling but and cannot believe I’m still there for him. Many times before, he packed his bags in anticipation of being thrown out after doing something wrong or because he said he didn’t want to put me through this anymore and I was better off without him, I simply replied that was my decision to make and I didn’t want to leave him. It would definitely be easier for me, my life would be much simpler, but like I said I don’t want to just give up. Especially not after everything we’ve been through. Also, this is not criticism for people who do leave their loved ones because of their drug use. I understand how they feel. This is just my story.

[lindyloo]

Hi Sissi

I really admire your bravery and devotion to your partner, a sign of true love. I really hope all goes well for you both.

My son has his own flat, he has a good job too. Unfortunately he has had several relapses and lately spends his wages within days on alcohol. Sometimes it leads to cocaine but I don’t ask anymore. He’s missing the live CA meetings I think, he misses the personal contact. Due to stress and anxiety, we’ve pulled away from him a bit, just so he can see the consequences of his actions. I still text and phone as I love him and care about him. We don’t give him money any more, but i do give him food for the house when I know he’s needing it.

It’s not easy, no news is good news is our motto. We have to take care of ourselves as we’ve had 12yrs of heartache . We can do it any more, it’s affecting our health.

I just keep hoping and praying that one day he will beat this illness that’s wrecking his life and our family life.

Thanks for asking , it helps to share.

Take care Lx

[sissi]

Thanks for your wishes, Lindyloo.

Thanks for sharing, I understand the hurt and heartache for sure. At least he’s trying so that is good. ‘As long as there is life, there is hope’, my 91 year old grandfather always says, not for Glenn as he doesn’t know but in general… it does resonate with me so much today though.

I will keep you, your son & family in my prayers as well. Love.

[lindyloo]

Thanks Sissi, we’ll keep hoping and praying until then. Take care

Lx

[sissi]

You’re welcome, love. Yes…

I would like to post episodic updates, as I find sharing how I feel helps me a whole lot, as well as reading other peoples’ testimonies; it helps make me feel better. I am not always necessarily asking for answers, if anyone feels like sharing something, I’d be happy to read it too.

__Glenn could not find his meds, that’s the first time he ever lost them, but then again he has been so high for the past week he could not even walk right, talk or even keep his eyes open, most of the time. I had to go in the street several times to find his keys, phone and other belongings which were laid on the ground and would have been stolen too at one point, had I not checked it for him. He even gave me his pills at one point, asking me to hold onto it so he wouldn’t lose them like he lost his keys and phone, but he ended up losing them too yesterday, after I gave them to him back home, and I’m sure someone picked them up by now.

So yesterday after he couldn’t find them, he called his Dr with me by his side, explaining the situation. Talk about embarrassing. The Dr rushed his new meds overnight so he wouldn’t be back into withdrawals and he has them now, he leaves them at home like he used to do. He is not looking so high now, he’s still working on our truck after coming back from work (he’s been back to work for a while now), as our truck needed some stuff done.

While being high as a kite this past week, he managed to change the fuel pump, after lifting the bed of the truck, all on his own. He cut his finger to the bone in the process (came home with blood everywhere, scaring me to death) but it’s changed and the truck runs great now. Always amazes me. Truck needed more work done, issue with fuel gauge and something else, well I don’t know what he did to it but the brakes work much better too now, I tested it yesterday, going to feed our horses.

He feels awful about everything, keeps saying he’s sorry and that he will get off of it but this time the right way, with proper help and support. All I know is he gets up every day before the rooster sings and he’s going to work, (I know he’s not lying as I see his boss picking him up and bringing him back, the same boss who has the mansion; he has been doing remodeling/construction/cleaning/handyman and maintenance work on her property for nearly a year now, except when he was incapacitated from TBIs) comes back home and always stays busy. He has always worked, no matter what. He has not given up. He did have a few relapses where he was hanging out with the wrong crowd (being in the place we are it’s hard to avoid and it will happen) and I caught him with dealers and other drug addicts and it was a mess, but he does know to stay away and staying busy does help too.

The only time he spent most of our money on drugs and nearly brought us to be homeless was years ago and it was a horrible time, we didn’t have hot water/power for the longest time, barely any food for us to eat and were taking icy cold showers, even in the wintertime, without heat, sleeping on the floor, no bed, in a very badly insulated place. It was tough.

Our dogs would keep us warm. The animals though, were always fed. They never went without food. He always managed to keep them taken care of. He always helped keeping them healthy, any issues, bringing them to the vet, etc. He has been remarkably responsible when it comes to them. Money stashed for them for food or vet bills, he doesn’t touch it, comes with me to the vet and makes sure they have all they need, goes to the park with them, etc.

He has a huge heart for animals. 2 years ago he stopped a pitbull fight by slipping his hands in the mouth of one who had a hold of another dog, trying to kill it. The pitbull had locked his mouth onto the other dog’s neck, but I saw Glenn stick his hand right in his mouth and managed to get the pitbull to let go, somehow. He is incredibly strong. The pitbull bit him in the process, not attacking him but still trying to kill the dog so that’s how it happened. He bled profusely and needed stitches so I brought him to the hospital but the other dog was fine, aside from a couple of superficial holes (the pitbull had issues getting to the neck as the dog’s collar was partially covering it) and some blood, the dog was fine. This is how much he loves animals. Anyone needing help, he will stop whatever he’s doing to run and help them too, without expecting anything back, that’s just the way he is.

As for me, I’m without work now. My permanent contract just ended, they just dropped me. I was working as a bilingual English/French customer service rep. from home, as independent contractor, and the company I worked for recently decided to lay most of us off and replaced us with an automated computer program, to take care of customers. It is not perfect and is not better than real live agents but the company makes enough money to have to worry about that. I’ve started looking for other bilingual positions or something to do with interpretation/translation as I’m fluent in both languages and learning others as well, it pays way better than the average job here so that’s what I focus on. I am still very much depressed but I am pushing myself.

I am also starting to eat and drink more, gradually. I was eating so little and drinking so little for the longest time (I would not eat breakfast or lunch at all, just usually a small piece of bread and ham at bedtime and some milk) that it would bring me to extreme physical weakness, I’d become dizzy and feeling like I was about to pass out, but whenever that happened I would simply eat some candy or some bread and juice and keep going. I sit at a desk most of the time so I guess by not being very active it did not get worse than just feeling weak, and when I did I would just swallow something.

Luckily, in spite of intense repeated traumatizing experiences I have gone through in my life, I never got hooked on drugs or alcohol myself. I did try weed, cigarettes and alcohol as a teen as people I knew around me did it and I guess that was the ‘cool’ thing to do at the time, they offered it and I tried, but I turned away from it all rather quickly. I didn’t see the point of it. If I needed to escape, I simply turned to sports. I ran, belonged to badminton club, trained as semi-pro athlete in another one, got on my bike everyday and would also go rock climbling. That is what I did to escape reality when I needed. And it kept me in shape too. At the time, I might have been depressed too, but at least I ate. My twin sister, who went through similar experiences, never stopped cigarettes, weed or alcohol and then turned to cocaine. I never understood.

She turned into a living skeleton. You could see every bone in her body. Always high. It was very upsetting for me and I had tried everything to try and wake her up, she’d say “I know I need to wake up”, but would just keep doing it. It would stress me so much and worry me sick to my stomach…. it ate me up from the inside, I ended up telling her “look, you want to die, just keep going, because you’re doing a great job at this.” And then she got better, we were still in touch at the time, she seemed to have improved, she had gotten some weight back etc. but then stopped contacting me. I have no idea where she is today.

I had numerous opportunities to turn to drugs, I have been around this for most of my life. But it was just never ‘attractive’ to me, I guess if I’m trying to describe it. Plus seeing all the horror from it, I just didn’t want any part of it… Even right after my surgery was done, and I couldn’t walk, as I was stage IV endometriosis and the surgeon had prescribed strong pain killers for me, I still refused to take that. I would rather feel everything than turn into a zombie, even if for a short moment. That’s just me.

I have been eating breakfast for a few days now, can’t remember last time I did that….. Forgot what the taste of coffee was like, and with cream… With toast and juice too! Then I have a quick bite at lunch, not much but I force myself, then I eat something for dinner too. Glenn is gone most of the time, so it’s usually just me alone with the dogs… Also, we just have been offered a house for rent right next to our horses’ stables, literally right next to it (we’re in a flat now) it’s surrounded by pastures, woods and just one close neighbour (a single middle-aged man keeping to himself) and the road, away from the pub, which is definitely the most important thing for us.

I will lay out a contract first, make it ironclad and have the landlord sign it, sign it or leave it, we are not doing a thing until it’s signed; I’m not signing any other contract than the one I make, that’s the way I’ve done things for us here and it has offered us protection as people do get evicted very easily in this area. We have seen dozens of people moving in and getting kicked out in the last 2 years, renting from the same landlord, around us. The guy has tons of flats and houses and lots of land. We have been staying at our flat under a contract I made and I will keep it that way wherever we go, safety first.

Whoever read this, have a good day/night. Feel free to share back, about anything you’d like. Love, S.

[Author]

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