[turncreative]

Hi there. My first time reaching out.

I am at my wits end with my wife and her alcohol and her hate towards me when drinking. She drinks at least 1 red a night and then more at the weekends. I have 2 teenage kids and I cannot cope anymore! I have tried and tried to help her and she has seen a doctor and then goes straight back to the drink.

I need to leave the house and start to proceed with divorce… but I dont how to to and is this seen as im leaving the children? I would move to my dad house as he has the room and can be back at the house everyday. As only lives 15 mins away.
I just don’t know what to do! its driving me insane.

[careaboutyou]

Dear Turncreative,

I feel so so sorry for you as I understand your desperate situation so well. I was married to an alcoholic who eventually died from this in 2012. My Son was only 5 at the time that we left, he’s now 16 and luckily unscathed by it all. I won’t go on about what happened to me, but I’m a survivor so I know what it’s like. I tried to help my husband for 5 years. Nothing worked….The drinking got progressively worse over time.

I had to flee the family home with my child and rent a flat ( are you able to do this? ). I would strongly advise you not to leave the children there with her. You say that they are teens but I get the impression that they are younger teens, even so don’t under estimate the affect that your wife’s drinking is having on them. The longer they stay with her, the more damage is being done. It’s also important that you show them that this is not a way to live a life and that you abhor it and strongly object to your wife’s life style.

You say that you could move to your Dad’s, could you take your children as well? Even if you’re cramped you will be safe. This action will show that you are the responsible Parent. You must start recording all events in your diary. Times and descriptions of her drunken behaviour as evidence to support you in the future. Drunks are very good at blaming everyone else and she will very likely make you out to be the bad one. Has she ever been in rehab? If yes then keep all records and correspondence related to this. Film her when drunk and angry if you can, if your children are old enough maybe they can help with this. Your children are old enough to be believed as well, so encourage them to tell the truth about the chaos your wife is causing in your home. The alcoholic will also try to chain people to them with love, even though this is their dependancy…not love. Make your children aware of this of how they could be manipulated.

See a Solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Then you will need to sell the house ( if you own it ) as part of the divorce settlement. If you rent then this is much easier, as part of it will be that you have to give notice on your Tenancy etc. She will need to re-locate ( this could take time if like my late husband, he almost tried to squat in the house, he had to leave eventually, and our house was sold). Remember your children are your allies, they will support you.

Remember even if you still love your wife, no one has a right to destroy other people with their selfish behaviour. I described it as like wearing a lead overcoat, I was chained to him and I had to take off the coat for mine and my Son’s survival. Your wife is responsible for herself, don’t feel guilty, find the strength and leave!! Once you start it will happen. Be prepared that she will still have a right to see the children, but make sure that this is never unsupervised ( this is very stressful as well ). I managed to avoid going down the access centre route, as I didn’t want this for my Son, so this means that someone sober and responsible needs to be with her when she sees them. At least they are not young children…in a few years they will be much more independent.

I am wishing you all the luck in the world! Hold on to the fact that there is a future for all of you away from her. I am now happy with a normal partner and you will have that in the future to.

I understand the shame of having a partner with alcoholism and that you may feel that people might think that you are guilty by association, therefore you hide it and cover up for her. Don’t do this anymore. Speak to people, everyone about it, inform the School if they don’t know already and just be honest about what’s happening to everyone, especially anyone from your own family who can support you.

Very, very good luck. Find the strength…….You and your children will survive!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lost]

I find myself in a similar situation. My wife has always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but the last 3 years it has really deteriorated. I got home today at 2.30pm to find she had finished the bottle of vodka which was half full when I left this morning. I find myself constantly checking the line of vodka against the label so I can tell when she has been drinking…the irony being is I can always tell from her behaviour anyway. She was still logged on and “working from home”. If her boss knew, she would be fired immediately. The truth is, she is making me really unhappy, and she knows this, but still continues to drink. I know I should leave, but in truth, that’s so much harder than people think. I love my house, my pets and we can afford to live here with our joint salaries. To move out and start again in my 40s just seems too overwhelming. I know this sounds like cowardice, and it probably is, but I can’t work out what’s worse – a beautiful home, with everything that makes me happy, apart from an alcoholic or a room in an empty cold damp flat on my own. People tell me the second option is the best in the long term, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I hate that I’m less important to my wife than a bottle of vodka.

[thistim3]

Stay or leave. There is more than 2 choices. There’s numerous choices everyday.  Take the focus off of your spouse and the vodka line.  Hard as it is (I’ve been there though the circumstances were different). Instead do something for yourself, i.e. see a movie, go for a walk, see a friend, go for a run, paint a room, take a class, etc. Whatever you want. One day at time – one moment at a time. The answers (choices) will come to you as figure it out – while you are calm and most likely – when you’re not even thinking about it.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[Author]

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