[Sfu100]

<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I have been with my husband for 18 years, we have two children together a 15 year old lad with tourettes and various other neuro diversities and a 13 year old daughter with ADHD. My husband also has a 21 year old daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>My husband has always smoked weed since before I met him, strangely I have always thought this was just normal even though I grew up in straight laced house. I also have smoked a bit in the past here and there but stopped completely over a year ago as I felt it was maybe becoming a problem. Also with my children being teens I was worried about it be normalised to them should they find out.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>Then my husband started regularly using cocaine over the last 7 or 8 years which got more frequent over the last maybe 3 years.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I have been deeply unhappy with his toxic behaviours for some time, but have always wanted to keep the peace. I have basically put up and shut up with my deep unease.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>Recently something changed in me and I realised I was quite unwell, constantly feeling heightened, my heart racing. I can’t focus on anything and being a freelancer that is not good. My work has really taken a back seat and I am so overwhelmed with dealing with everything. I am constantly stressed. I do almost all of the household chores, I look after the kids needs including all appointments and following up on the extra needs with different services. Cook all the meals bar a few here or there.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I do try and address the massive imbalance but I constantly get made to feel bad with; “I feel like shit”,  “I don’t get anything right”,  “yeah because I don’t do anything,  you do everything”. He lays in bed until the mid afternoon but seems to be able to get up to go to football on a Saturday morning or go and see his “mates”. He never really holds down a job and when he does works he goes into a depression until he quits. He generally keeps most of the money he earns and doesn’t overly contribute financially towards our lives.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I have addressed that it’s a big problem and he has started to seek help. The problem is he’s full of motivation when he’s using but then never follows through. He has just started with the drug and alcohol service, and come up with a plan of using every four days but seems to want me to fund this with our family money. I can’t afford it and I don’t even remember the last time I had money for myself. I just feel completely undervalued, unappreciated, frustrated and angry.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I wrote a letter a couple of months ago after getting some support from a drug service. Saying I can’t carry on giving him money. I addressed a lot of things and set some boundaries. However I feel like he has just ignored them, he constantly asks for money, uses in our house and thinks because he hides away in our bedroom or goes in the garage it’s acceptable. I’m made to feel like I’m uptight and no fun all the time. He gets irritable and grumpy, loses his shit when theirs no pants and socks, towels are in the wash, no food in the cupboard but doesn’t contribute.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I know while writing this I’m thinking why the hell are you still there. It’s just not that easy. I know and can see it’s not him it’s his addiction and many underlying issues. After seeing a therapist he helped me see I’m not addressing my own needs but I feel trapped, my kids are vulnerable and I don’t want to disrupt there balance which is always fragile.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>I love him, we have had so many good times and we connect on so many levels. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sick of not knowing how to support him without enabling. He doesn’t seem to give two shits about my mental health. Today he actually got in a massive mood as he struggles with his relationship with our 13 year old daughter. She is going through some pretty intense stuff and she didn’t want to speak to him about the marks on her arms. He turned around to me and said he was going to have to leave,apparently he can’t stay here and watch this and that our daughter is no good for him. I remember he previously said that about my son when he was struggling and was down. All I said was, I really don’t think she can help it. That was it, I was defending her, I don’t let him have any say, there’s no point in him saying anything. I just feel emotionally battered</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”>Any outside advice would be appreciated, I feel such a tangled mess fed up of the sicky knot feeling in my stomach and I’m drowning.</p>
<p style=”-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent;”></p>

[Author]

Posts