[sanixons]

Hi.im new to this group.my son is 27 years old and addicted to painkillers and drink.hes lived with his dad from the age of 21 and he kicked him out about 6 months saying he couldn’t cope and had got to stand in his own two feet.my son has got somewhere to live but won’t stick at a job.at the moment I’ve been giving him money for rent and food.and so has my mum.i just feel so guilty he will be homeless.he self-harming and talks about killing himself.he wint get any help.my husband.whos an alcoholic in recovery wont have him living with us.which is fair enough.its his sobriety.But I cant decide between them and I shouldnt have to.im growing resentful of my husband but logical I totally understand what he’s saying.he has said when my son is ready to talk and ask for help he will be the first one there for him.last month I wouldnt give my son any money for his rent.maiy because I’m skint.and I nearly ended up killing myself.i took an insulin overdose then had to eat loads when I realised what an idiot I was being.and then I gave him the money because the thought of him on the streets upsets me so much.How do I keep thinking so much with my heart.this is making me so ill.i know he has to hit rock bottom but I dont know how to deal with it.ive had counsilling for it and it hasn’t work.Everything they have said I agreed with.i wake up thinking about him until I go to bed.i work within the police which I dont think helps.any advice defo welcome

[bump22]

I dont have any advice really but totally relate to what ypuve said.

I’m also told he has to reach rock bottom and am gradually getting better at tough love but it kills me each time and makes me ill.my son is homeless at the moment as I’m having to take a stand. I thi k your son is emotionally blackmailing you saying he is going to kill himself. Reach out for yourself and get counselling anything to help you stay strong

[sanixons]

Hi.thank you for your reply.ive read your story and I hinestly dont know where you get your strength from.you are truly amazing.i know only I can do it.abit like my son.my husband and I have had a row tonight and we should be going away Friday.he says we can’t go on like we are anx he dosnt know ic he can and dosnt know if yo stay ot not.i feel totally alone and broken but I love him.its taken me 50 years to find him and I dont want to lose him.im going to try the tough love and refuse my sin.even thoug I know it will make me bad but I knos i am enabling him.sometimes I wish he hadn’t been born.isnt that an awful thing to say?£dont know where to go 4 counsilling. I’ve been mind and everything they said I agreed with.i just couldn’t let go off the heartstrings.prehaps my husband saying what he’s said tonight will toughen me up

[bump22]

Sometimes I feel that people must think how can she do this to her son and see him on the streets. But I get my strength to do it from the fact I have to protect his.much younger brother. We cannot have him in the house it was becoming scary for us and just was unbearable. We had shielded my youngest from all of it as we are fortunate enough to have a large house and just generally staring put lives in a way we cld avoid situations when my youngest was awake and in the house. But that turned a corner and we cldnt risk his emotional wellbeing and so his choices have were to change his behaviour and have a house and free food but you cant reason with him and so we had to kick him put luckily he for the supported living but within weeks his behaviour their saw him kicked out. He is now homeless due to his own fault. It kills me knowing this but when I’m low I think of my younger son and how happy and safe he is and that is what is important. I cant say I’m really enjoying life and this week has been particularly traumatic but I have to stay strong for my other son and my husband . I hope rock bottom for my other son is now as I cannot see how it cant be but hes so drunk all the time hes not really able to see it at the moment.

[sanixons]

Hi bumper.ive been rereading your last post to me alot this week.im on holiday in tenerife at the moment and my son has messaged me 2 for money.both times 8ve said no.i have no money to give him tbh now.my husband has rowed woth me this morning saying if I dont cut contact with him.hes not my sons dad.he will leave me.he cant cope watching me be destroyed by him.my son got a job staryed Monday and he’s going the doctors tonight for help which I think is a massive step but my husband says it will blow up.like he’s no faith in him.and dosnt want to see it.hes saying my son can’t even leave me alone whilst I’m o n holiday.How do u cope with your hisband or does he support u completely in your decisions.i cant cut a contact off with my son.i would prefer to know whats happening but my husbands adamant this has got to happenx

[bump22]

Hi there I hope your managing to enjoy tenerife.

I can relate to you being called by your son whilst on holiday.

My husband his stepdad is really supportive but some days cant beleive how much I am bombarded by calls which normally involve my son asking me for something.

Fortunately I havnt been given an ultimatum. What about if you agree to only speak and see your son when your husband isnt around? Not in a secretive way but say ok I get that his calls and his situation is getting in the way of our relationship from now on i will only speak and see him when you’re not around. And I wont speak to you about any of it either…maybe that cld be a compromise. Then tell your son what his situation Is doing to your relationship and also say I’m only going to pick up your calls etc at certain times as its affecting my life. On holiday tell him you wont pick his calls up he will have to deal with life like a grown up and block his calls for 2 weeks.

I dont know if that wld work? it also means your saying I have a life and I refuse to be on call 24/7 including holidays.

I actually blocked my sons calls on Monday as it was interfering with my job and stressing me.

I think it’s ok to see boundaries. I also wldnt be able to cut off completely as I would worry.

Its positive your son has started a job that’s not easy at the moment and he is trying to sort himself.

Keep strong xx

[sanixons]

Hiya.thank you for your advice.im so pleased for you your husband is like that.the problem with mine is he is an alcoholic in recovery and cant deal with drama .I dont accept calls from jake if he’s around and rarely talk to him anymore about him but he himself is becoming obsessed with jake sorting himself out.he says he just wants the #old me back#whatever that was.At the moment he is the only one putting z strain in our relationship and I feel really pleased with myself ive told jake no to money but hes adamant I will give into him.i really hope your son can turn his life around and I’m sorry that’s what uve had to do for your own sanity is to block him.if its any help my husband didn’t speak to his own child.son.for five years when he started and kicked off.he was a drug user and has come through it.they have z brilliant relationship now .I think that’s why he thinks the way he does about jakex

[bump22]

Yes does sound like maybe his past is affecting how he views your son. I hope it sorts out. So tough for everyone. Enjoy your break in tenerife…very envious!!

[sanixons]

Thank you.i hope you find some peace for yourself and your sonxx

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