[bear]

Hi

This is the first time that I’ve ever sought help & advice or maybe I just need to write my feelings down and vent.

Sorry for the rambling long post I think this will be.

Where do I start. My son. My baby. He’s nearly 29 and lives at home still. I have known for years that he has taken cocaine. But he always makes out it’s from when he’s been out for a drink – which isn’t often. He has an addictive personality full stop and many years ago it was gambling. He got into £1000’s of pounds of debt because of it. He owed so many people money. My husband and I helped him out and hoped that being caught would have worked but it didn’t. A few years later his boss at work realised he had debt (yep more) and gave him an interest free loan to clear his debt again.

I sometimes think that’s the problem. He’s been bailed out to many times with no consequences

Trying to cut this short basically he lost that job. Fired

He has never been a drinker or gone out socialising often. He is addicted to online gaming and will sit in his room playing it for hours and into the early hours.

But ‘don’t be silly mum I’m not addicted I enjoy it. its not hurting anyone so what do you do.

So often I will be cleaning in there and find the small white crumbs on his desk. But ‘don’t be stupid mum that been there for ages’ Small plastic powdery white bags I find. ‘Don’t be stupid mum that’s old.’

recently we went through his room prior to removing wardrobes and drawers for decorating I found about 13 small empty (used) powdery bags. But ‘don’t be stupid mum they are old’.

He has never had any work ethics. He will constantly be late for work. Leaving at the very last minute so he gets a few more in bed. He will sleep like the dead when he eventually goes to sleep & through alarms and I still have to wake him up. Even if I’m on holiday I’ll set a reminder time difference and all. Yep sounds like he’s babied doesn’t it. And he probably is and all this could be my doing. But I think if he loses another job (and he’s lost a few now) we suffer as there is no housekeeping coming in. I think I’m scared he will do something stupid and I know I’d never cope with that.

He’s a very likeable person. He has conned people into loaning him money again and again and again I know he owes thousands. I’ve even paid one person off without his knowledge and he has never even questioned this person as to why she is not asking for it back. Again that was money she gave him to get her drugs – she admitted to me. He never got them or maybe he did and used it himself either way he kept the money.

It’s embarrassing. If we are at an event with his friends there I’m always wondering who he has tapped for money.

I think at one time he was dealing Coke or certainly was running it around for people.

Maybe he still is. Who knows.

He lies about the stupidest of things and sadly I question everything he ever says now as all trust is gone.

His hygiene is low. Often won’t bother with a shower or brushing his teeth. He leaves boxers laying around full of crap. Socks full of snot on windowsill next to his pc. And yep stupid mum here will pick them up and wash them. The one good thing about this covid is as he is working we insist he comes home and immediately showers.

He has had girlfriends but has a very jealous personality. Probably because he himself isn’t loyal so thinks everyone is doing the same.

He has some lovely friends but I think they have given up on him quite often and that breaks my heart.

So this morning. Again yep I wake him up for work. He had been without work for a few weeks as he is self employed on sites and it closed down – or so he said. But he has another at the moment. So I go in to wake him. Which every morning is like raising the dead.

Whats on the bed ?

A bag of coke.

But ‘don’t be stupid mum it’s old’

I told him to get up and get out. I couldn’t believe that in this time when me and his dad cant work he will go and buy that shit and another piece of my heart broke.

I said that when he gets home he un plugs and disconnects his pc. (God knows why but I know that it means more to him than me). He said no. I said well then you go and either way it will need packing down)

I can’t do this anymore.

But I am petrified that he will do something stupid if I throw him out.

Where Will he go?

How can he live?

I’ve said about counselling. But ‘don’t be stupid mum I do t have a problem.’

I just want him to be happy. Settled Conscientious.

He’s had so many opportunities and is far from stupid academically

So many chances

I need as much help as he does. But .don’t be silly mum I’m not an addict!!.

How do I help him? Where do I go?

Thank you and sorry for the ramble.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bear,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story. Yes it’s really hard what you are going through with your son’s addiction. Sadly, he will only start to get better when he realises he needs help for himself.

However, there is help available for yourself if you feel you could do with some support. We are a charity called The Icarus Trust and we offer support to people who are dealing with the impact of a family member’s addiction. We know how hard this is to cope with so we offer a service called Family Friends. These are our trained and experienced people who would understand what you are going through. If you contact us I can put you in touch with one of them. Maybe talking would help to answer some of your questions and help you to find a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope that you can find some help. Good luck with everything.

[bear]

Thank you so very much. I will contact xx

[n47]

Bear, I can really relate to this. Although my son is a cannabis user and has been dealing in the past, I get what you mean about the lies they tell us, that it’s all in our head. And I really felt what you said about being terrified to throw him out, as we as mums always feels so responsible and can’t face doing that to our child for fear of making their situation worse. It’s so easy for other people to say ‘just throw him out’ but it’s just too hard in reality. I really feel for you and we as mums would do absolutely anything for them just to be settled and happy. I really hope you can get the help you need xxx

[Author]

Posts